"Think twice, 'cause you got such a long way to go"

Something (hrmmph how would I say this) dramatic (?) happened this week at camp. Someone finally spoke what is on his mind. He couldn't tolerate anymore nonsense from some of our mates therefore he felt the need to voice it out albeit the two weeks we have left (actually it's one). I respect him for this. He's caustic, what to do. In a way, he is speaking for the rest of us who felt the same. Salute to him! He is a smart guy, so I'm sure that he has been contemplating as to whether he should bring it up or not. However, for some of us they don't think before they speak. Consequently, they got themselves into unnecessary trouble. Come on man, "think twice, 'cause you got such a long way to go."

I got a letter of acceptance from NUS Civil Engineering and NTU Chemical and BioChemical Sciences. Although the choice is pretty obvious, I'm still rather shaky about it. If I opt for the former I'll go into the port trading/PSA/Keppel kinda thing. The pay is good and the job scope is more interesting than visiting and supervising sites lah I think. If I opt for he latter, I'll enjoy the course more. Simply because it is a course of my interest. And experience has taught me to choose the choice that I am interested in. It'll be a bonus if it's practical. Strangely, my ideal carreer is not related to either of these two fields! Therefore, I'll be wasting money and time training myself for something that I will not be widely exploiting. Still, many local actors do that since acting is a rather volatile job. You might be unemployed for a very long time. Hence, it'll be wiser to have a day job. Plus I get to minor in Linguistics at NTU. Haiz...don't know lah. Ruzaini you better "think twice, 'cause you got such a long way to go."

Sarah reminded me that this blog can be publicly viewed. Hahak. Thank you. So I shouldn't be saying things that may be subjected to a public uproar (?). (Pardon me; bad with expressions.) This time I am being more careful about the things I wish to say and how I say them. As Cassie puts it,"think twice, 'cause you got such a long way to go."

Ok Lindsay, I don't know if you know Cassie but I think that as your supporter, it is within my best interest to say that you should "think twice, 'cause you got such a long way to go." I'm just repeating what she sang, but using it in a different context. You are a talented young woman. So please,"think twice, 'cause you got such a long way to go."

Use a condom people. Remember "think twice, 'cause you got such a long way to go."

And you might be thinking: why am I obsess with this line? Well, "think twice, 'cause you got such a long way to go!" Not many of us are aware of what we say, I am guilty as charged myself. Truthfully, it is not very easy to be mindful of what we are saying. Talking has become second nature that we start to lose conscious of it, just like breathing. We say what is on our mind most of the time. In a conversation (that is why it's a "conversation", we are conversing- constantly talking and replying effortless), reading a forum or, even on our bus ride home. We talked a lot. I read somewhere that we spend 80% of our time talking to ourselves in a day. So it's hard to control it.

Nevertheless, basically we want freedom of expression and speech. If this is practised, then there wouldn't be a 16th Century. And the legend of Socrates would seep into the ground (or is it out from the ground? Bet you he is still talking right now and making himself heard. Don't worry dude, we all hear you. And what had happened to you. So you can shut up now! Sish, it's bad enough that you have infused your soul into some of us and make us talk and talk and talk and...now you want justice? Talk about die hard.)

This is what happened when we talk: something gets in, something gets out. Either way, some process of thinking is involved. Some messages get into the mind (registered) while others are lost (unregistered or didn't even reach); which cause miscommunication. When the system breaks down, it gets disorganised. The process of going "in and out" gets disrupted. And in the midst of rectifying the problem, silence sinks in. The pauses are significant. If there are no pauses, we know what happens. If there hadn't been a truce, the UN cannot intervene to help solve the Hutus and Tutsis conflict in Rwanda and Burundi.

In a conversation, we need an understanding. If this is not present then the conversation cannot go on and we wouldn't be talking. The understanding can be established when appropriate pauses are made so that the message gets registered. For this, I believe what we are doing is "think(ing) twice" so that we can come up with appropriate things to say to sustain the conversation " 'cause we got such a long way to go." We want to know more about the person and interested in what s/he has to say. Thus it is best to make those golden pauses and not ramble on and on, right Ruzaini? Unless you are in an intense conversation and you have a good rapport. Also, you need to breathe. So, do take a break.

Perhaps why we can talk more to a person and not the other is because we are tuned at different frequencies. Hrmmph...makes me wonder if the "like-poles-repel-opposites-attract" rule still hold. Nevermind, the matter here is that we need to think about what we say. If we accidentally spill something that's not meant to be, trouble follows. Use tact, or euphemisms. It helps. Also because we will be protecting ourselves. This is when the double-edge sword idea comes in handy. Instead of killing ourselves twice, we are saving ourselves instead. =)

We only have "one life, live it" (to borrow a slogan from M1). Teenagers like myself got "such a long way to go." Keep yourselves out of trouble my friends. Although making mistakes is inevitable, learning from them is not. Don't attest the accusation that you're an idiot. Yu got a mind, so use it! "Think twice, 'cause you got such a long way to go!"

Love y'all

Let's straightened this out

One: It's taboo to be talking about my sexuality; that's my rule. You can skirt around the issue but don't ever approach the subject directly. Two: Let's get technical.

Yes I am an unconventional being. My sexuality has unofficially deemed as away from the norm. I took quite a long while to comprehend and grasp this fact. So do be mindful. Nevertheless, I'm fundamentally a human being with flaws. My imperfection might be apparent or, otherwise, subtle. I am susceptible to making mistakes just like you. I am prone to being influenced just like you. I am almost just like you. Our differences make us unique. Thus, embrace them. It's God's gift to us. Failure to do might lead to undesirable consequences. One such example is to be despondent and dejected for most part of your life. This could be your earthly punishment. My rationale is that you are spiritually imbalanced.

Religion is important. It keeps our spiritual side balance. As the Chinese believes, if your ying and yang are in perfect harmony, you'll live a happy life. Sadly, in a materialistic world such as this one that we are living in, happiness is often measured by our prized possessions. I pity these people who have been warped. The truth is you can still be happy if you are not wealthy. It depends heavily on one's self. For me, being born into and raised by an average "middle-income group" family has taught me to be appreciative of what we have. It's pointless envying our friends who are able to afford the latest thousand something Prada beg. I'd rather seek spiritual solace than to be hunting for the latest top by Zara. Your mind is often in a zen mood. And subsequently, you'll find happiness. I am happy with who I am. I wasn't like this not too long ago.

And of course in the course of seeking spiritual solace you'll learn more about your religion. You'll gain a better understanding of why were the rules made and how are they applied. Being someone who is attracted to men, more than women, I strongly believe that I should study these laws carefully because there are some exceptional rules which were made specifically for me. The Qu'ran didn't state that men are forbidden to fall in love with another men. It states that: "one is forbidden to be engaged in a sexual activity with someone from one's own gender." This is a very problematic statement. It is susceptible to a common assumption. However, every statement in any holy text is rather dubious. It is up to the followers to interpret them, with the help and guidance from certified religious leaders. Not forgetting the context in which the rules are made.

The main assumption, thus conclusion, that many have undertaken is that it is wrong to be gay then simply because Islam doesn't condone gay sex. If we look at it closely, the fallacy here is that sex is being equated to sexuality. Primarily because the former is a root word of the latter therefore they are understood to mean one of the same thing. If that is the case then steadfast is a sophisticated term for (getting) steady (fast) , right? Man the word sex and sexuality sure get steady fast.

Allow me to digress a little here. Here's another statement that deals with wordplay,"The pen is stronger than the sword." Can you spot subtle sexual innuendo? (note: read the words "pen is" as one word.)

The other assumption made is that in a romantic relationship, sex is involved. This careless (pun intended) equation is hard to avoid. It is true that sex is involved in a romantic relationship as it has been widely understood as a process of "making love." However it is a choice made by the couple. And when the question of choice is brought into the picture, it becomes obvious that the immediate connection and association is untrue. Sex doesn't need to be a major part of a relationship. Afterall, it's 5% sex and 95% hardwork am I wrong? I can still continue with a relationship without having sex. Some people might not like it, others don't mind though they are not for the idea. It's up to individual's preferences. I do not make their decisions for them.

Here's another statement that I have to observed: Islam encourages marital sex of two opposite gender. This is an encouragement; to procreate and expand the population of Muslims in the world. Usually, when something is encouraged it's for the betterment of one's self. Would it be wise to avoid it?

Also, gay sex is dangerous. Most gay couples perform anal sex and fellatio. I do not know how fun and pleasurable it is but if it's often done means it gives the couple great pleasure. And receiving pleasure makes one feels good. Thus the need to want more. It soon becomes an addiction which might be critical and perilous. The constant exchange of body fluids increases the chance of a person getting HIV and subsequently AIDS, which is fatal. Hence, in a way you are taking your own life away. You are being ungrateful to God's gift, which would incur His wrath and a one-way ticket Pyro Villa. This is to show the severity of the matter. Hence, to avoid it it's better to avoid being gay. Interestingly, I do not see why the same logic doesn't seem applicable to my promiscuous heterosexual counterparts. The offences do belong to the same page and not sui generis.

I do not wish to ponder over the matter if I would straightened up one day. I might, or I might not. It depends on my fluid sexuality. I do not wish to get lost in this labyrinthine thoughts, again. For all those who have accepted me for who I trully am, I love you for it. For those in the process, don't rush it. Let time takes its toll. For those who are reluctant, I am indifferent about it. I respect your decision. For those who are trying, good. Life is more than just about sex and sexuality. It's a labyrinth itself. Thank God I'm not lost anymore. I owe myself to You.

Love y'all.

Popularity, Money, Power, Class, Image

I went out with Jevon and Khairul yesterday to catch Spiderman 3 at Cathay Cine. I disagree with the critics who said that the movie sucks! The show has a good balance of romance, acting, story, logic, emotions, action and animation. It's not just an animation film. There are strong underlying themes that propel the shows. Themes such as love, vengeance, friendship and sacrifice are well-explored. Even the story itself can be easily related. They pertain to our everyday lives. Does that mean we have spiderman in the neighbourhood? I think why people say that the show is "draggy" or "boring" is probably because they are more interested in the action and animation, which I cannot disagree as Spiderman is primarily an action animation show. The awesome graphics are probably what they paying for. Hahak.

After the show met Kanesh to do some shopping. He said that he needs to shop. Too bad Khairul had to leave 'cause his parents were waiting. Jevon followed us.

We went Taka. And for your knowledge I don't go Taka. Firstly, because the things sold in the shops are too expensive (way beyond my budget) and secondly, I am not brand-conscious. Neither do I keep up with the fashion scene. The best thing that I do is to be occasionally aware of updates and the design of a particular brand. At least I won't be left out when they are talking about the latest clothes or whatever stuffs. I'll go,"Yes, yes. That is nice. I prefer the design before this one though." Or," Ya, I know. I saw it at AX the other time. Oh, they have new ones now?" I don't act himbotic OK. I really know what they are talking about. It's just that I'm not an aficionado of fashion. I like to be in the know, but not that, to use an overrated word, passionate about it. What to do, unfortunately all of my friends are into fashion. And I don't want to be the black sheep.

Still, I like the clothes sold at AX, Topman, Zara, Ben Sherman and *Celio. It's not the brand I'm after, I cannot stress this enough. I am in love with the design, and it in me. The only barrier between our love is numerals on the small 2 inch by 1 inch price tag. How can numbers do this to me? I am good at math. Math is the world's gravity, I dare say that. See I even put you on such macroscopic scale. Why are you doing this to me? Why? Cannot you bestow some grace upon thee, your humble servant who slog through the complicated calculus and proving that logic reigns, if not even for a short eternity? Dost not thou recognise thy passion, thou holy mongrel! (quietly sobbing).

Nevermind lah. No point brooding over something that I cannot get, anytime soon. Maybe better luck in the future (Thou heard that?! Decline in thy values in time to come, and not escalate!).

Yup bad Shakespeare alright. Betcha those literarists out there must be fuming mad at my failed attempt to speak in Shakespearean English, mocking his good grammar and excellence in writing. Perhaps I might do him justice when I get my PhD one day. In the meantime, stick to modern English.

Watched Midsummer Night's Dream at Fort Canning later that night. The setting was perfect. The rain didn't stop the show. Instead it bowed to the fervent enthusiasm of the actors and audience who obstinately stayed. The power of the theatre. Oh, I'm in love with the stage and theatre even more. The show was a treat by someone actually. Love ya for it! I tell you...the play was magically beautiful, simply enchanting. All of the actors did justice to the play. Oh Shakespeare....thank you for your works.

Now for the serious matter. Having been in the army for three weeks and staying with people with various backgrounds, I didn't realise that I am drawing myself into a world that is out of my league. A world that I aspire to be in yet afraid to accept it now that it has come. A world of, what I would say, elitists.

The truth is that I am trying my hardest to keep up with Jevon and Kanesh; and Khairul. They do have quite a profile which they don't want others to know unless they are asked. They are my close friends in the army. I don't want to a wannabe. I want to remain true to myself. I would rather expand my own traits than to change them. Jevon and Kanesh are really nice people. We protect each others' gluts. And I like it that they don't use their assets to draw friends. But the fact remains; the three of them and I are of different leagues.

Yesterday when we went out, Kanesh spoke more to Jevon than me (Khairul had left remember?). I didn't feel left out because it's just my luck that I don't share their common friends. I really don't mind. Surprisingly, I remain cool. Betcha it's the actor in me that helps me adapt. But what set me thinking was that how did hell did I get to know these people?!

From where I am, people like them are like living miles away from us. Yet I easily make friends with them and go with the flow. Thank God I can. It's not that big of an issue to some of you but it is to me. The way I was brought up and the neighbourhood I have always been in are so different from theirs. So I have to make a conscious effort to be aware of the way I behave and talk. It's pretty cool to be invited to "high class" people party but I have only gone to one out of the many invitations. Firstly, because I'll be alone. Everyone seems to know everybody, except mua. Secondly, I might not know what they are talking about- whatever topic they are in. I can only afford to smile and laugh- like what happened at Jevon's birthday party.

These people are popular, they have money, good-looking, class and altogether power (to command authority). Where, or better still, how do I fit into this category?! Yet they accept me for who I am. They are not snotty or show-off, so unlike the perception I had before I get to know these people. I do feel lucky.

Another thing I realised when I was walking down Orchard Road yesterday. You can actually count with your fingers and toes the number of people who know how to dress appropriately. And by that I mean they know what colour, design and accessories that best suit them really well. The others who think that they look good turn out to be quite an eyesore because I think they are trying to hard. I thought I was a fashion disaster. Man was I proven wrong yesterday.

Fortunately there's someone who keeps my sanity in place. Thank you babe!
Love y'all.

Warped

My second book-out and I'M ALREADY MISSING TEKONG! I really love my platoon mates. They are super cool and fun bunch of people. I'm talking about the general view. There are of course one of those few jokers who will spoil the fun but once you get to know them personally, they are OK peeps! Really.

As you guys would have known May 18th is my special day. And on the night of May 17th they gave me a birthday bash that I will never ever forget! I will always remember that fateful night. OMG I'm tearing, close to burst out crying. Ok Ruzaini control your tears. You need to type. And for that you need clear vision.

May 17th, after routine order (RO)

My sergeant, Platoon Sergeant Faizal, suddenly asks the entire platoon 3 to refill their water bottles and this boy, Benjamin, to take off his shirt (Ben and I share the same birthday). The reason he gave was that he wanted to show us how to fold our clothes so that they can fit into our field-pack. And so Ben did take off his shirt. Next the PS asked him to knock it down. He threw a confused look. Nevertheless, he went down to the pumping position. The next thing he knows, everyone emptied the full water bottles on him! He was completely drenched lah. All of them, except for myself, all 40 of us emptied our water bottles on him. Really soaking him.

Then Ben got up and say,"Eh Ruzaini also birthday today leh!" In an instant 40 odd pair of eyes (including our 4 commanders) look at my direction. Just imagine the effect la hor. Piercing eyes enhancing their sinister look and cheeky grin. I gulped. "Now it's my turn," I said to myself. "Die!" I gingerly walked to the front. PS Faizal asked them to refill their water bottles again. When they all return, Platoon Commander Lo said,"Eh wait wait wait wait! No, no, no, no. Don't pour water on him." I immediately gave my widest smile. "Thank God I'm spared." Fucking hell did I speak too soon.

When we all fall in to keluar baris, those adorable minions suddenly swarmed around me, ensuring that I cannot escape and started emptying their bottles on me! It was my turn. Man was I taken by surprise. They just poured water all over me. A few of them had ice cold water from the water cooler. Ya, you're damn right. It was super cold lah. They didn't let even a small square inch of skin dry you know! Not even a small millimetre square! Water just keep pouring in and soaking me. I was helpless la, duh. The only thing I could do was to smile and laugh and enjoy getting drench. Hahak. It was super cool (pun intended)!

After all that, they all sang me a birthday song. I was so touched I almost cried. Ya I know, I'm such an emo freak. But it was cool (pun intended). Really cool. The best birthday bash I ever had. And just like that our bonds got stronger. I love them all!

And today during Arm Drill 2, the entire company was taught by he Company Sergeant Major. He taught us sedia, senang diri, rusuk senjata, turun senjata, julang senjata, hormat senjata and marching with our rifles. Man I love AD. Also I get to see more of that sergeant. Yes, the same one that I wrote about in my last entry. The only difference is that now I am no longer tongue-tight. I can speak again! Ah, thank God! Hahak. I have managed to overcome that fear thanks to that special someone who has taught me how to. I wont mention names. I think you know who you are. =)

The other difference is that I no longer made him the centre of my life, the gravity of my mood. I am more independent. =)

Influence can really warped people. I have been warped. And so have you. We have all been warped. It's a warping whoop world! Whoopy! Wee! Whay!

Tomorrow I'm going out with a few friends. Thank goodness I have money man. I can enjoy. Hahak. Current mood: euphoria! Hahak.

Ok, got to go chat online now.

Love y'all.

Back After 2 Weeks Confinement

BMT is not as bad as some people warned me about. Maybe it's because I'm in Pes C. Thus the physical training is not as strenuous. The tenacity level is not that great. This largely due to our medical reasons. All of us have some form injury; be it upper or lower body. And some of the recruits there look like they belong to Pes A/B. Some of us, like myself, want to be in either of the two Pes but we can't. I would really want to try the Standard Obstacle Course aka SOC. It looks really fun. Needless to say, it is physically demanding. Nevertheless, I am very glad to be posted to this company, this platoon and this section.

My bunkmates are cool. We from different backgrounds; from all walks of life. And it is interesting to listen to their stories. It helps me build up the different kinds of personalities the characters I will be playing.

Our nicknames are: Gerpal, Java, Bitch, Rose, Papasan, Request, KL, Safari, I/C, Nick and CB (chi bye).

And it's a surprise to meet some of the ex MJCians. These are the people whom I met:

• Ferino
• Luqman A
• Faris
• Ezad
• Fabian
• Ken Teh
• Thomas (Sargas OG)
• Adam
• Jeevan
• Fuad
• Danial (Drama president)
• Han Long
• Zhi Yi

And of course my primary school friends and some other people whom I've met before but we lost contact along the way. Very Cool.

And I learnt that soldiers are not just people who carry guns and chiong when there's war. The are mentally and physically intellectual beings. They plan, strategise and execute their agenda swiftly. You should see the fluidity of how things work. Very efficient and disciplined. Traits that every actor, and on a more macroscopic level, man should have. I really love it. You should experience it to get what I'm saying. Words don't explain enough. I can't wait to go in again.

I wouldn't deny the audacity we have to overcome, especially the physical training, but it's worth it. My gameplan is to have fun. Enjoy every moment no matter how daunting it is. We also have to be accepting and open-minded.

However, on a more serious note, I have fallen prey to Cupid's vicarious appetite to make love happen. I think I have fallen for my sergeant. He is very handsome. No one in the entire school of 3000 or so looks as good or better than him. What initially seems like a crush and something to not be taken seriously develops into a strong liking. My mood is greatly affected by his presence and absence. Whenever he is not around, I will feel upset. It's subconscious; and later I became conscious of it when my close friend raised the matter up.

He wasn't in camp last Monday and Tuesday and I felt miserable. Now I won't be seeing him for 5 days (from last friday to next Tuesday). I don't want to imagine what is going to happen.

The thing is that it's complicated. I don't know if he also like me or not. It feels right yet wrong. It's beautiful yet ugly. It's either acceptance or rejection (on his part). And of course there are religious, societal and cultural laws that we have to abide by. I feel pain. Simply painful.

And the song My Baby You by Marc Anthony has been playing continuosly in my head for the past 2 weeks. It hurts deeper each time I hear the song. Here's the lyrics:

As I look into your eyes
I see all the reasons why
My life’s worth a thousand skies
You’re the simplest love
I’ve knownAnd the purest one I’ll own
Know you’ll never be alone

Chorus:
My baby you
Are the reason I could fly
And cause of you
I don’t have to wonder why
Baby you
There’s no more just getting by
You’re the reason I feel so alive

Though these words I sing are true
They still fail to capture you
As mere words can only do
How do I explain that smile
And how it turns my world around
Keeping my feet on the ground

(Repeat Chorus)

I will soothe you if you fall
I’l be right there if you call
You’re my greatest love of all

(Repeat Chorus)

(my baby) I feel so alive

I really don't know what should I do. I really don't. I seldom talk to him. Wait. I cannot bring myself to talk to him. I got tongue-tight each time he is like an arm's length away. I could only give a wide smile while my heart race. I don't think I have met him before but he looks very familiar and that I have known enough about him. It's very uncanny. But one thing for sure is that whenever I lay my eyes on him, I will have that Zen feeling. It's confusing. Complicated. Terrifying. Agonising. Dubious. I can literally go berserk thinking about it.

Don't you find it funny? The two of us got to be in the same company and platoon. And he said that he "sayang" (adore) the platoon and he asks us to "not miss" when he's not around. The subject that he is addressing could sepcifically meant for me. Mate, lit student lah. So I'm sensitive to words. But then again he could just be saying it in passing.

And he is getting close to my close friend, my bunkmate lah. And he ensures he looks presentable most of the time. It could just be his personality. Or could it be subtle hints? YA I KNOW. DRAMA MAMA HOLLYWOOD BOLLYWOOD. But if you areme, someone who is desperately expecting for a reply, you can understand the reason for me to stoop to such pathetic level.

Another song in my head: Be Without You by Mary J. Blige

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oooo (oh, oh, oh, oh) oooo

Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't build nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People swore it off as a phase
Said we can't see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It's so true that (yes)
We've been through it (yes)We got real sh** (yes)
See baby we been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

I got a question for ya
See I already know the answer
But still I wanna ask you
Would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
I'll be faithful (yes)I'm for real (yes)
And with us you'll always know the deal
We've been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

See this is real talk
I'm always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick and thin)
Right or wrong (all day everyday)
Now if you're down on love or don't believe
This ain't for you (no, this ain't for you)
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that it's true (come on, come on, come on)
Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)
Fellas tell your lady she's the one (fellas tell your lady she's the one, oh)
Put your hands up (hands up)
Ladies let him know he's got your love
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
We've been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

So much have happened in these two weeks. Little did I expect any of them to happen. It has been quite an experience. A great difference from my past 5 months (December to April before enlistment) where things were pretty apathetic.

One last song that aptly conveys my innermost thoughts: Real Love by Massari. Pay attention to every word.

"Real Love"

(Boy,boy) I'm goin' outta my mind
And even though I don't really know you
I must've been runnin' outta time
I'm waiting for the moment I can show you
And baby (boy) I want you to know
I'm watching you go
I'm watching you pass me by
It's real love that you don't know about

Baby I was there all along
When you'd be doing things I would watch you
I picture you and me all alone
I'm wishing you was someone I can talk to
I gotta get you out of my head
But baby (boy) I gotta see you once again, again
It's real love that you don't know about

(Boy, boy) I'm goin' outta my mind
And even though I don't really know you
I must've been runnin' outta time
I'm waiting for the moment I can show you
And baby (boy) I want you to know
I'm watching you go
I'm watching you pass me by
It's real love that you don't know about

Every night when I would go to sleep
I couldn't stop dreaming about you
Your love has got me feeling kinda weak
I really can't see me without you
And now you're runnin' round in my head
I'm never gonna let you slip away again
It's real love that you don't know about

Every now and then when I watch you
I wish that I could tell you that I want you
If I could have the chance to talk wit cha
If I could have the chance to walk wit cha
Then I would stop holding it in
And never have to go through this again, again
It's real love that you don't know about

(Boy,boy) I'm goin' outta my mind
And even though I don't really know you
I must've been runnin' outta time
I'm waiting for the moment I can show you
And baby (boy) I want you to know
I'm watching you go
I'm watching you pass me by
It's real love that you don't know about

Today when I saw you alone
I knew I had to come up and approach you
Cuz boy I really gotta let you know
All about the things you made me go through
And now he's lookin' at me in the eye
And now you got me hopin' I ain't dreamin' again,
Again

It's real love that you don't know about
Every now and then when I watch you
I wish that I could tell you that I want you
If I could have the chance to talk wit cha
If I could have the chance to walk wit cha
Then I would stop holding it in
And never have to go through this again, again
It's real love that you don't know about

(Boy,boy) I'm goin' outta my mind
And even though I don't really know you
I must've been runnin' outta time
I'm waiting for the moment I can show you
And baby (boy) I want you to know
I'm watching you go
I'm watching you pass me by
It's real love that you don't know about

You're the one that I want and no one can take
It from me
No, no, no, no, no
Even though I don't really know you
I got a lot of love I wanna show you
And you'd be right there in front of me
I can see you passin' in front of me
No, no, no
Girl I need your love
Baby I need your love

Love y'all.