That Kid

Confession.

I've always been the kid who aspires to be someone great. Someone whom a lot of people adore. Someone who can do many things and still be good at them.

I've always wanted to be that kid that made it to RJ, with 4A's and 3 distinctions and A1 for GP and MT. Who can speak fluent French and German and Jap. Who has a well toned bod - the kind that will make others oogle. A sportsman - maybe canoist and tennis player - and a musician; can play the piano and most string instruments. The EDB scholar who made it to Cambridge Law then Harvard for PhD, skipping masters 'cause of my excellent LLB results. The perfect man.

Juxtapose it with reality - the neighbourhood kid who did good (not well) enough to go uni and do a decent course, the moderate achiever and commoner, the normal kid at school, the kid who isn't good at many things and sucks at the things he's good at, an acne-prone face, not a sportsman or a musician or an artist, an average build bod, not smart - you get this failed piece of crap blogging about his fantasy.

Why is it that when others dream hard enough they get what they want but me, He gave me something which I don't know wht to do with, taking into consideartion that we both put in a lot of effort? He works in ways I cannot understand. Thus left perplexed and lost.

I try to be me but can others accept me? One word labelled onto you and that's it: doomed! It's probably shocking to Harry Potter fans that Dumbledore is gay. How can a good-hearted, kind, loving and generous man be gay? It's not possible. It cannot work that way. It just can't. No way!

Yet it's true.

Living in denial will probably perpetuate the animosity and prejudism, from others to me and myself to me. But how can one live in peace when the mind is restless? It's utterly impossible for a perfectly human being to do that, lest you're a robot. I've only accepted the fact that I'm flamboyant and bitchy (at times) and I show it during Raya when out with cousins and relatives. I was usually very quiet, almost mute. But this time I didn't wanna hold back. Let others be enthralled or disgusted by my feminity. I don't care anymore. I'm done being self-conscious.

And of course people talk. Aunts complain to each other, in private, and cousins talk among themselves about my very feminine behaviour. Hey if given a choice I'd like to tweak myself to be more manly my dears. But since I can't maybe becoming a eunuch would help. So flaunt what you have while you still can. People are dying even at 23 years old. If my fate is like them I only have 4 years to live. Might as well let it all out. I will regret that I did some things, some undesirable things but I know I'll be proud of myself one day that I did them.

I don't care that I made mistakes at work cause NS to me is just a phase I must go through, whether I want (or like) it or not. I'm oblige to. So why pin myself down when I made mistakes? Sure I'm entrusted with responsiblities but I know I won't go the extra mile 'cause I know I won't benefit from it. Maybe my "conduct" can help but if I'm good enough for a "good" rating then so be it. I know I'm gonna get a "good" anyway. So why try harder? I'm not the "outstanding" or "very good" type. I know. So I live by what been laid down for me. Fair? I think so too.

I wannabe a 3SG when I ORD or be sent overseas sometime in my service, or go MDC. But since I'm not cut out for it, live with what you have. Life give you lemons, make lemonades. Not orange (or lemon) peel. =)

So here's the low-down. I'm the kid who failed to be what he wants so he's learning how to settle with what he has and given, while masking the most important feature of his: his identity. As long as Penal Code 377A won't be repealed it's not safe for me to come out. "It's still a conservative society with strict Asian values being embeded; that forms the strong pillar of a family-centric community thus impossible to abolish it for fear of a collapse of an institution", says someone (whom I cannot recall). So for those who know, thank you for your acceptance and friendship and keeping it low as well. For those who don't, I don't enforce it upon you to accept. Grow with time. Be like the government - following the society instead of upholding a doctrine, and being dogmatic.

Cheers!

Love y'all