who i am, truly

i appear as

friendly,
outgoing,
caring,
polite,
considerate,
fun,
kind,
etc.

but really, i am

selfish,
self-centered,
self-indulgent,
vengeful,
spiteful,
callous,
etc.

i'm reading character analysis by wilhelm reich. (reich is a psychiatrist, and the book is a compilation of his theories and studies.) after reading several of the case studies presented, i come to realise who i truly am.

apparently, sometimes, character traits are known as character resistance that acts as an armour to protect one's self. to recognise the difference (if it's a genuine character trait or a symptom) requires knowledge and experience (and a certificate, which i do not have).

it hasn't been very nice for me (either). and like one of his patients, it seems that i've been influenced into becoming who i am today. i've made myself a guard and i've been putting it on since. it's an unconscious effort. i only see the final product. but it's all a result of my infantile experience. my childhood and growing up facing the adversities has "toughened" me up by taking away and hiding the vulnerability and creating in its place something more hostile and to cover that up it creates a character resistance that opposes it. 

"the passive feminine characetr is an example of a third type of armouring. on the surface, he appears to have an acquiescent and mild disposition, but in analysis we get to know it as an armouring that is difficult to dissolve." (wilhelm reich) 

it's complex and deeply multi-layered in the unconscious mind. in short, i'm lost within myself and that's what been making it hard for me to stand firm my ground.

all these may not be necessary, or relevant. but i've been feeling empty and hollow. and i just want to fill it up without forking out any money. of course, i do have to be extremely careful or i might end up killing myself, literally.

wish me luck!