Sometimes when you sit and wonder, you tend to extrapolate some memories that are swimming in your head and be affected by the blissful thoughts of nostalgia.
Haiz...I don't know lah what's happening. I am happy but it's more because of "someone" rather than "something." I wish it's a "something" that trigger the Happiness button and not a "someone". Well, guess you can say that a "someone" is also a "something" but still, when a "someone" makes you happy the emotional bond that keeps you together can bend and harm you somehow. It's when the delectable feeling turn sour with time. It's not wine, that becomes better with time. It's acidic - sour and corrosive.
Having a "someone" to remind you of the good times in your life is not exactly that desirable. If that "someone" is gone, or no longer here, caving in would be easier. You lose your pillar, you lose your balance. Keeping your emotions in check soon become annoying. Being focus is hard. Almost everything that you do is not right and in turn, you become agitated; easily bristled by the slightest tension. You fleet from one emotion to another. It's as if you cannot seem to be grounded. And...this is what I'm preparing myself for.
A "something" can be replaced, but not a "someone". A "something" can be substituted with another thing but to do the same for a "someone"...
I don't think I'm asking for much, just for your time and heart. Why get close to me when you wish nothing more? Why be nice to me when you know I'll overread? Why pay for me when we go out to eat when you know I can afford? Why give me good signals when you don't want me to read them? Why decline when I act on them? Why touch my heart when you don't want me to touch yours? Why can't you accept and lead me in? To me, the fine line is blurring. If not already blurred.
Can I hate you? Can I not be your friend? Can we end this masquerade and fess up the truth? Can you give me an answer that I find viable? Can I? May I? Should I?
You know what I've been harbouring yet you let it, and me, linger. You're treacherous! I hate you!
Stop agonising me! Please! Please...Please...
I wonder if it's because you'll find it weird - a drastic change from your previous relationships with girls - or it's just me - I don't look good as your boyfriend: I'm too tall, too good perhaps, too effiminate, too...whatever. Or is it because it's fundamentally not possible for reasons neither you nor I know. Answers. I want them. I need them.
I've been pondering over this, this whole issue basically, for a very long time. It's just that I keep avoiding and pushing it back time and again, making up stupid reasons to buy time. But I've run out of reasons. And now I'm forced to face them. No more running around, and avoiding the matter.
And I don't know how to...
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