Frent

I'm mad at someone. Fucking mad. Well irritated actually. Fucking irritated. Ah!

Would you be mad at a friend who doesn't reply to your smses (and you know s/he is the kind that doesn't reply to smses often)? Or would you say,"It's ok. I know you're busy." Or even think that s/he would expect you, of all people, to understand s/he most?

What would you do? How would you react? Would you confront? Or maybe act to play the same game some time later? Or just let it pass (your friendship matters most)? I'm up for all of the above. The sooner I can get to it, the better. Revenge is sweet. My heart is black. It's stoned.

But wouldn't that be unreasonable? Like really. That poor fella is trying his hardest to breathe under the pile of stress and here you are fucking him about not spending time with you? In retrospect, it's not like he's like this all the time.

But I wait for him all the time. For him to finish his work, till late sometimes, before going home. I mean I don't have to. I'm not his boyfriend. And neither is he mine. We're just close buddies. He did say I didn't have to wait for him. Or stay in with him. But I won't listen. I want to cause I simply want. So if anything bad were to happen, it's me I blame. Not him.

But his boss would send him home if I don't wait. If I do, then he'll send us both in his car to a bus stop where the two of us can take the same bus home. I am grateful for his help. It's very kind of him. And in his car I'll watch them both joke around with each other, like father and son. It's really endearing, and touching. I enjoy watching them building the chemistry. However now I realise I'm like an outsider - as if I'm disturbing a father and son bonding session. Indirectly, I feel chided. And I don't blame them. It's their time. I mean I accepted the offer. I could have declined. Maybe I should have.

I should have.

Of course it's not said that my presence in the car is unwelcomed but the strong bonding (man, now it reminds me of chemistry all over again) had an effect on me. I really do feel out of place. Like the outsider who tries to be part of a family, but simply cannot be welcomed, like the creature in Frankenstein.

Talking about him, man right now I do feel like I'm the creature. My grotesque-like demeanor (in my opinion it's so) and unhandsome appearance, a total contrast to this friend of mine here all the more makes me feel like the creature. I do feel disgusting. One, for being angry at and jealous of my friend when I'm clearly not in a place and, to needless to say, entitled to. And also possessive of his time, wanting more of his attention than what he's already given. It's his time. He gets to decide how much time he wants to spend with who. For me to say he should have spent on me would be unscrupulous. It's despicable. I'm despicable. That's why I feel like the creature. I know how it feels like.

Innocuous as his intentions may be, he's hurting me by keeping quiet and making me feel that I've been pushed aside. It gets irritating when what you've waited for doesn't come, right? I mean if I mean a lot to him as a friend, then he should take care of my feelings. This is not about whether I would yearn for him to be my boyfriend or something along that line. Or whether or not he's considered as a boyfriend or me deluding myself that is mine. No. It's about friendship. And about caring for the people whom you care for. It's one of the basic rules of forming relationship with people. It's about treating a person. About how a person should treat another. About the goodness and respect you share with each other. It's about the effort you make to keep the ties you formed strong. It's about our closely-knit friendship. Unless I am stupid enough to believe we're close buddies when in truth we're just friends (aka colleagues, acquaintance, and not confidantes) I think I deserve an apology. What do you think?

But I doubt he'll give. Knowing him, he's like any other guy: less sensible, sensitive, caring. Just moving along with the ebb of time, and moving on. No sorry. No sentimental moments. No sympathy, or empathy. Nothing. Maybe just a treat (which I should be grateful for though passe) and that's it. It's a guy thing. Sadly, something I don't get. That's it, case close, a new chapter opens. =)

Phuking hell. Sometimes I feel like a friend for rent. Maybe it's just my more effiminate psyche or the little more astrogen in my body (which I believe is one of the main reason why I'm like this) that's making me so melodramatic and all. Maybe I should straighten things up a lil. Ya. Maybe I should. If not I'll drop (dead but still looking gorgeous). If I continue to lean on still, I'll soon fall out of place (not that I already am not). Gosh! Phuking hell. Help!

Love ya'll