alone and lonely

i was telling liyana (griffiths) the other day when i went her place: i realised that at the age of 21, what we've always worked for is seen. like visible.

for yana, she likes business and teaching. and she's been doing both extensively. fatah got into mass comm and a scholarship as a cabin crew- two things which he really wanted. me: i've always loved theatre and look at where that has brought me - esplanade, touch the light boards, asm, know people. must say, i do feel lucky (remember about being jealous of others?). =)

i just come back from hafeez's birthday party. it was great and awesome. but i was slightly disappointed: i thought i was their friend but i was ignored most of the time. guess i'm still known as the clerk and not part of their gang (and here i stupidly thought i am). the bmc sgts all joked and talked around but i didn't feel like part of the group. it was quite embarrassing. guess i'm kinda done. i'm not as close to them as i thought i was.  uhm...so don't bother about trying. they won't care anyway. x|

and guess i know who my friends are; or rather the ones who feel that i matter as much as i do about them. i mean i do care for everyone i befriended. EVERYONE. yet, if they don't feel about it too, guess it's stupid to hope and try so hard. hahak.

smile and laugh it out ruz. smile and laugh it out. =)

oh ya. i'm in the craze for french music, french pop music! Frédéric Lerner. sexy and good taste in music (ok this is bias. it's more to my liking than the general public. ahahahahahak).

i mean after all live has to go on. be it what people think of you, thicken yourself, and move on la! hahak. just don't care as much as they don't care about me lor. i'm lonely and alone, i know. but suck it in boy and smile and laugh, smile and laugh.

people who matters to me and vice versa: my mum, siti, ayah, astri, liyana bar, hana, sufirah, ina, karyn, liyana griffiths.

and i'm giving up on dating. i'm no good. no one wants me. i feel weird when i'm dating / seeing someone. again, i'm lonely and alone. i've learn to smile and laugh even when my heart is wrenched and miserably languorous. and i can do it! just brush away the subject and smile and laugh. i have me. i have ME. I HAVE ME! I HAVE ME!!

and me will not go away. me is my alter ego who is just as lonely and alone. but when you put us together, there'll be no difference. there'll be no sense of filling of companionship. weird huh? but it's true. i guess maybe that is why i withdraw to myself most of the time. the only time i'm really empowered and feeling powerful is with astri / hana / yana / ina / karyn / any combination of the names listed and i'm on that stage as a performer. =)