so i haven't been writing for quite some time. partly, it's because i got nothing important to write. and also, i keep forgetting what i want to write (some of my ideas come when i'm not at home). anyhow, i think i should write this down.
i've been reading again. after watching the entire latest season of grey's anatomy and desperate housewives and uglt betty i find the time to read again. last week i couldn't because i was involved in anna karenina by the finnish national ballet. it was at esplanade theatre. PHUKING HELL I'VE MADE IT THERE! NOW TO WORK HARDER SO I CAN HAVE MORE STAGE TIME. damn it's one fine theatre!
i just finished "in the country of last things" by paul auster. and now reading another book by him called "the music of chance."
albeit its futuristic setting, "in the country of last things" is full of events that might probably happened to us city-dwellers if we were to continue living as we are now. it's a story told by anna blume who is a very witty and brave character who's left her home to look for her brother in the city. there isn't any name to this city but auster give us a clear image of devoured it is. there, people either kill themselves or live through the hardship.
there're the Leapers - people who voluntarily kill themselves by jumping off the roof because they can no longer withstand the hardship of extreme poverty. when they die, the Vultures - people who steal from the dead corpes of their belongings - and Scavengers - people who take the belongings of the dead and sell them for glots (their currency) will come, and their bodies will be collected by this other group of people who comes and collect them for burning fuel to generate power. imagine the backdrop of the story the pianist, starring academy-award winner adrien brody. that's pretty much it. and the story is told from the first person narrative in letter-writing form to give the personal relationship. i felt moved when i was reading it. i sympathised with anna but also myself. her world is fiction. ours is real. and she's saying what's real to her, as if to tell us that it's just as real to us. it's almost like a warning.
in the book, there is no form of rescue. any kind of help quickly diminishes as soon as it conjures - from the time she talked to bogat (her brother's employer who sent him to the city to report what's happening) to the wobourn house (that serves as a hospital for the wounded and the sick). they do not last. as soon as anna feels the comfort of such solace, it's taken away. it is as if auster is telling us that hope and faith no longer exists. this is in addition to the missing presence, or even existence, of a devine being. anna even said that she no longer believes in god. and the jews she met in the library said that they "talk to him, but they're not sure if He listen to them or not."
it's a good 21st century gothic novel (thank god i studied gothic for my a's).
as for "the music of chance", it's the story of jim nashe who just inherited his father's money when he passed away and now travelling around the united states aimlessly when he met jack pozzi, a 22 year old poker expert. nashe rescued pozzi one summer morning when pozzi was running away from a group of millionares who've been robbed by a bunch of black-suit men while playing poker. angry at their loss and believing that pozzi was responsible for the attack, they mobbed him but he managed to escape, wounded and hurt but alive. i'm at the part where pozzi was telling his story and nashe realised how similar their lives are. i've yet to read the end of the story.
but it got me thinking of the notion of frailed masculinity. the lack of father figure in a boy's life that led to his reckless living as he is growing up - both of them finished high school simply because their fathers made them promise to, both of them are going around their lives with no solid idea of what they want (gambling their way through - risking the chances they got), nashe left his daughter to his sister's care and he disappears into the states, and both never quite knew their father. "the father" disappears as soon as they're born and suddenly shows up at different points of their lives several years later. and the repetition of their fathers' mistake is their pathos. these men will fall - like their fathers - simply because they're behaving like their father. they are being the men they choose to hate, which in turn means they are hating themselves. and probably that's why they do not have a sense of direction. it's the acme of any man's fall.
i feel bad for them. and worse, i'm seeing it in myself. i am being like my dad, somehow, eventhough i resent him at times (cause of the things he does). and i try my very hardest not to but the fruit usually don't fall far from the tree. i have his genes. i have him running in me. maybe that's why i can't let go and run away. maybe this is every man's tragedy!
boy i sure am going absurdly far aren't i with this ludicrous and preposterous idea. but hey, i can use this as my usp essay (if i choose to apply to nus again next year).
but diary, i'm thinking of doing the english degree at stansfield. it's by uol. uol is good. but i don't know about the administration at stansfield. i'm just afraid it'll screw up a lot of things. already now i haven't gotten a reply from their marketing team about my fees and financial assitance queries. if they can't be efficient, how will i know the efficacy of my degree? plus, i don't know if the bank can approve the max loan. it's approx $28, 000 (i gauge the fees at unisim) but my dad can loan up to $16, 500; that's $12, 500 short! or should i wait for next year?
anyone there. please reply... o.o"
ps: the other authors whom i adore are margaret atwood and iris murdoch. now paul auster's joining the list. =)
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