nightmares

for the past few nights i've been having nightmares.

from being in a horror movie to experiencing supernaturals myself (no, not the real ghosts, just the ones my mind created). but of all, i think last night was blog worthy.

i believe that dreams are our suppressed inner feelings that come out as images when we are most relax (sleeping). so when they surface, i don't usually brush them aside unless they're really ridiculous.

last night i dreamt i was really mad at this someone - who happen to be someone i know. i can't recall her face but i remember vividly that i saw her face when i was dreaming of her.

in the dream, i went insane. i was yelling at the top of my lungs and throwing things around (which is what i won't normally do!). the dream is set at a cafe by the way. and i was working at this cafe. i didn't throw anything else but knives, scissors, forks at her. making sure i'll hit her but purposely miss when i actually threw them.

the argument started when she went back on her words on me. she promised that i'll have a decent live if i work at this cafe that she owns. oh now i remember, she's the bully who always picks on me! so it was meant to be a truce or something.

but obviously she didn't stop lah. she humiliated me in front of everyone else time and again until finally that time, i snapped. i was raging mad so i charged at her, beating her so hard so that she'll feel the pain, so much pain. i remember having slammed her face to the door and pinning her down next to it while yelling and (practically) crushing her bones by sitting on her with my full body weight. and hitting her several times. mind you, i threw punches, not sissy slaps. yet all the time, she didn't fight back. it was as if she knew she had deserved it. strange ain't it?

now to what's happening in my life at this period.

i've been offered a job as a credit collector. my job is basically to call customers that they've to pay up. it pays $7/hr, 9 hours work each day for five days and four weeks each month, excluding the 10 hours of OT i must do each week (or so i was told). financially, the job pays more lah and it's also more stable. but i'm not enjoying the thought of it, more so about the work itself. so that goes to say that i'm not particularly interested in it or at all excited about the prospect.

i don't mind working in the theatre for 13 hours every weekend for free. when gilly offered me the job, i took it up immediately without any thinking twice.

but for this job...hmmph...you get what i'm trying to say?

so i guess, in my dream last night i was both person - the hitter and the one who got hit. although i enjoyed hitting her (almost to her death), she didn't seem to flinch or fight back or hurt for that matter. which is even more bizarre. naturally, this wouldn't be the case eventhough i'm the one "controlling" the dream.

anyhow, over-interpretation aside i think it was a sign or some sort: that i shouldn't let myself be bullied (this i know when my inner demon had to come out) or pressured into doing something which i don't want / dislike /adverse / hate / resent.

guess i'll be calling my agent and telling her i've changed my mind.... =(