Tuesday, 19 May 2009

post 21

uhm...i am not happy with my b'day celebration ytd. well, mainly cause it wasn't a celebration. no cake, present, out with frens. hahak. the supposed big 21 is a big disppointment to me. i wanted more but nothing. mum tried but she's pregnant. i utd. dad is hush hush. siti made a card for me. i thought it was sweet. and zahid wished me at night ( around 8).

the fact that i could remember it all is not a good thing. cause if there had been more activities, i will remember the important ones. those memorable ones. but since i've only got the wish and hush, and that's all i can remember...so it's memorable? (cause it's stuck in my memory.)

no point blogging about this bad thing. maybe sth better coming as i learnt from last friday's congregation: tmr is better than today. all i need is gumption and patience. and oh faith.


last friday i attended von's b'day celebration. it was big and partying all happening but i didn't do much cause i don't know the rest of them - when i came only his jc friends were there. i wanted to try the drinks but decided not to. i said to myself, i shouldn't. the next day when i woke up: i realised that the day i have that drink and sleep with a man is the day i forsake my religion. my religion! not god! it felt wrong. i felt worse but helpless. why did i even think of that? religion before god. sish. i'm sure damned. =(

but then again, maybe i thought wrong. after all (on that day) i haven't had sleep for about 28hours. so maybe my brain went bonkers. hahak.

Monday, 18 May 2009

the 21

hi there. today it's the 21 b'day. my 21. felt pretty emo about it ytd. don't know why. hahak.

so wht now, eh? =)

Friday, 15 May 2009

the if-i-don't-get-to-school plan

ok so i confess now. i am worried i'm not getting any letter of offers yet. many people have asked (told rather) me to be postive but i say, "what silver lining? u mean the inside of my frog? eew!"

ok that was lame. and lame as i will be. 

i have also learnt to not be obsessed with intelligence and wit. instead, look at beauty. that's better and longer lasting. plus i can accept that. =) so long as i keep seeing sth nice, i will be nice - both inside and outside. yay!

so now that i might go to sch this yr, i have learnt to accept that. well, preparing myself; -ly (mentally, socially, psychologically, etc-ly). i can do more FOH and get more money. make new friends. and be happy. see the prettiness of it? =)

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

learning to accept who i am

this is my online diary. hence, it's mostly personal stuffs. i guess thatwas why i decided to privatise it and only restrict certain people to read it.

ok. i have to really accept that i have an average iq. not very intelligent but still is to some degree. i am less campy now - i saw a vid of my acting. =) and i have lotsa inhibitions and reservations. and i do contradict what i believe and say sometimes. 

this entry is about me being engaged with real social affairs. i gotta know about UNIFEM two days ago. and met with one of their members yesterday, sonja bretscheinder. we briefly spoke and today i joined the UNIFEM facebook group.

i stumbled upon www.findingbibi.com, www.mideastyouth.com, www.freekareem.com. these are good blogs about the thoughts of the arabs. and it's a joy reading on their culture and recent happenings.

but it's quite ironic like how easy it was for me to look for these articles when i'm having the hardest time looking for similar articles about singapore. maybe i am not looking at the right places. uhm...

an excerpt that got me thinking...

"Q: Do you find Islam to be a problem that leads to our societal restrictions?
A: Well, a lot of religious Muslims are decent and understand the importance of living in a free and tolerant society. I know that Islam is not our problem. Politics is our weakness and Islam is just an excuse that many of our governments successfully get away with."

it's true: politics and religion are independent issues that overlaps and intersperse sometimes. more often misunderstood and lazily declined thus accepted. it's thru the deveopment of ideas and wide exposure that help people draw and form their own opinions. these thoughts get published and shared and rephrased in the process of spreading the word. so much that eventually words got displaced, forming new (sometimes radical) ideas. the process repeats.


Saturday, 2 May 2009

lost in my thoughts

i am lost in my thoughts. i am told, severally, that i overthink. and i think i should stop but i don't know how and where to.

and i had a heart 2 heart chat with astri, hana, yana about my sexuality. man i thought i am over this. apparently i'm still puzzled. it all staretd when astri asked: so what is it that you wannabe (sexuality)? and i reluctantly answered cause i was extremely embarrassed to talk about it yet i wanna. see how weird that is?

and i still have to get the part that i have an AVERAGE iq i.e. stop acting as if i'm very smart. i can't hand around smart people cause i can NEVER keep up. 

i wannabe smart cause i don't wannabe bullied. i was bullied when i was more naive and pathetically immature. and i hated that big time lah.

i think i'm still looking for 'me'. so meanwhile i'm hanging around.

i know we can tell how intelligent a person is from the way he talks and writes. many think i am from the way i talk. but writing wise - CHECK OUT THE POOR WRITING! it's quite in your face right ruzaini? so, suck it in! be embarrassed and thickened yourself. now that's how it seems like how it should be. so you're gonna go all red. (sigh) what to do.

the more i run, the more tired i'll be. but it'll improve my stamina. bad analogy. but basically...you know what i mean lah.

man. i'm lost in my thoughts.

ps: i think i just overthink again? is it a work in progress? =S