Monday, 29 September 2008

Fear me, yes I do

Can you blame a boy for being scared? Or should you teach him to use a knife and defend himself? What is with a man and his ego?

Fear is synonymous with desperation, the desperation of wanting to live and not be threatened. To have a fence around one's self and warn off any intruders. Yet in the effort of keeping ourselves safe, there is another impetus driving us away from this fence. And so the circle of one's barrier gradually expands, and we don't care if it eats into another person's space. We simply want to have a space that can shelter the fragile and vulnerable heart. It is, at heart, the issue of one's security. Had one been more secure of the dangers lying around, there isn't a need to cover up; the trap is well recognised.

But to get trapped in someone else's skin defeats the purpose of going out and facing life - the playground. But not just any playground. It's a place for the strong-willed and bold-minded. If the outer layer of one's self is strong enough, there wouldn't be a need to have another barricade of fences; fence them with one's own weak and feeble heart. Only then can we learn, and know what to learn. For learning itself is not enough. It's more important to know what to learn, and learn to know.

So let the fear inside come out and play with the dangers from the outside world. Let them mix around and get to know eah other. Perhaps then can we recognise who's the enemy and who's the friend. Though in such a joyous and playful time, who can tell the difference between the two?

I think a man is more afraid than a woman. He has got more balls to play with, and juggling them all isn't easy. Look at the women, and what they have to carry. What the men have are peanuts compared to theirs.

I think that's why men gave women the "easier" tasks to do: raise children, give children, wash the dishes, and other household chores while they go out and provide the bread and butter (only bread and butter?). They are afraid of losing. Let's face it: how different can a woman be from a man?

She has got more (than just the bread and butter to worry about). And more power to control the men. And when they use this natural ability of theirs, men who fell prey by such beauty and charm call them femme-fatales: the bringer of death. It is, in my opinion, a form of fence to fence off insults from the masculine counterparts. One which has the potential to threaten their bond of homosocialship. It is stemmed from a fear of being overthrown. So, to put up their status they have to bring the other one down. "Put up" cannot be more apt; for it speaks of the front, a facade, to have on. Having the best face forward and surging in-front, leading the packs behind, like a hero, a saviour. It can also be said to be an "act".

Nothing shines better than the damask of dismasked truth.

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Pointing fingers

I don't know who should I blame: myself or you? On one hand it looks like a cowardice act, and the other it seems quite noble(?). However I choose none is actually better than the other. Both will end up losing.

Could it be that I am being less understanding or are you being more liberal? Sorry, I cannot say such things especially when it is yours. The choice is yours to make. I have my own to worry.

It is not that I am distrusting you. It's like I think I am losing something here. Perhaps it's my insecurities, hence my problem. But isn't mine also yours when we've got this to share? Or is this one of those things that we have to split the responsibilities? Is it "a responsibility"?

I reckon it is so. But, since you are also involved in this I let you make the decison too. The final say shall be (to use a popular word these days) democratically agreed on. It is not that hard to do, right?

Anyhow, I think it is not even an issue to begin with but a problem I have chosen to overrate. Quite obviously, the problem lies in me. Hahak...

Pointing fingers.

Let me get over it. But such relapses are hard to get over and done with, you agree?

Well then, I guess I just have to live with it. How is telling you going to change anything?

Love ya'll

Sunday, 31 August 2008

What happened yesterday

I have nothing much to say. It has been quite fine this week. Yesterday I had stomach flu (I think) or gastritis. I went through rehearsals with a painful stomach and endured for a little longer for dinner with some of the Young Co. members. I couldn't eat so I had Ice Mocha. Luckily (uhm...uhm...uhm), Gillian could not finish her mushroom soup so she gave it me. So, in the end I did eat dinner.

And I thought the pain would go away. Instead it became worse! I was practically wriggling in bed before deciding to pop two pills of antacid and 500ml of water and then head to bed. Oh yes, I had ointment applied on the stomach as well. I don't know if it would work but I pray hard it will.

This morning, I woke up feeling better at first then the pain came back. So while typing this, I am enduring a bad stomachache. Aww...

Anyhow, yesterday we had a full-run through of Love's labour's Lost; the first time since a month ago. Last time we could see the shape of the play, now we're getting the sense of the play. Isn't that good? We're bringing Shakespearean english and making it understandable to today's audience. It's a good thing. And I must thank our camaraderie for making it possible.

Oh yes, before the run through one of our cast members asked for permission if he can read a prayer to us all. I thought that was quite dramatic enough but said nothing. But what he has to say was more!

I cannot remember word for word what he said because I was trying my hardest not to laugh. But here are some of the phrases that caught my ears: "god bless our soul, our friends, our family and our spirits...", "this is a very important and last night for us all (for goodness sake it was 2pm in the afternoon and only a full-run through!)..." and "god please protect us all and bless our souls" (LOL).

After the run through nine of us went to watch the gala premiere of the Write Stuff - a national script-writing competition for those below 12-years-old. I didn't want to expect anything; sometimes it's better to be shocked or surprised. Man was I both shocked and surprised! They were really good and very creative. Who would have thought you can spoof Goldilocks, The Three Little Pigs and and Nanny Mcphee into out-of-this-world original stories!

The second runner-up retold the story of Goldilocks as a selfish little girl who only had one rule for friends: "Don't touch my toys!" Joined by her friends - the hip-hop Red Riding Hood and French Puss in Boots - who taught Goldilocks a lesson about her character, I was entertained by the creativity of this 12-year-old. It was good to watch.

The second place play told the story of one of the pigs (from The Three Little Pigs) who became best friend with the wolf and how they struggled through hardships together. Pressured by his dead grandfather - who came back in spirit - and growing hunger, the wolf began to have entertaining thoughts of eating his own best friend! Yeah, typical so I won't go on anymore. The idea was cute.

The first prize went to this UWC girl. Her story was about this aunt who was put in-charge of looking after her nephew, whom she calls Dorothy, and niece, whom she calls Geraldine, while their parents were away. Their real names are Andy and Anne. Like Nanny Mcphee, she was a living hell of a babysitter but she's not magical, just eccentric. The story took a turn when the children decided to chase her away by playing loud music, since she has an aversion for loud noise. So they decided to "party" to loud music at home, thinking it will drive their aunt out of the house. However, little did they know of her excitement for dancing and music. So, annoyed by their horrible dance moves she decided to teach them a lesson - in dance! And that was how the story turned to a happy ending. Yeah I know: boring review. But I am too excited that I cannot think properly. It's not my fault I'm made this way.

I am surprised by their talents, even now. Who would have expected such beautiful stories written by twelve year olds? I feel like a cuckoo... Hahahak.

That's all I have.

Love ya'll

Sunday, 24 August 2008


Sometimes you just cannot rely on others too much. You only have yourself to depend on, regardless of how close your friendship is. At the heart of it lies two different and distinct individuals. It is not one, but two.

There will be guilt for the negligence, that's irrevocable and unavoidable. Yet it should not be forgotten that each one has his / her own stand. It is the rights one has as an individual living among this huge and intricate society. It is one's own fundamental rights.

I am not implicating anyone. If I have to pacify somebody, let me then say this: I am not being diplomatic neither am I being dogmatic. It is a universal de facto.

And to hurt someone is also within a person's rights. S/he can either be doing it intentionally or otherwise but it doesn't change the fact: someone has to get hurt and somebody needs to hurt.

Perhaps it is this commonality that relates us to one another. We share certain similarities, albeit the difference in experience, and exist in a realm of higher order. Sigmund Freud calls it collective unconscious. I choose to call it Death.

We are all going die one day. But not all of us are scared of it. Yet we anticipate it. It is real. And it is going to happen.

We will all be funnelled into the same space. Death brings us there. It is the thread that runs through us all.

And then it comes to a full-circle: you become alone once more.

Next time when I feel like I have nobody to talk to, I'll be grateful. It's preparing me for what is to come.

Love ya'll

Sunday, 17 August 2008

Say what you want

It's not very hard to talk is it? Just say something and wait for a reply. In my opinion, so long as you speak, you will get a reply (though it may take a while sometimes).

And to say something, to express yourself verbally is as good as extending yourself to another person - to make a bridge in the gap, a connection to the other person or something of that sort. But be mindful of what you say. We may be living in the new world - a world of freedom of expression - but what is said will have an effect on another person.

I talk to Kent about this quite often, about telling of the person just by the way they talk. I am not a professional but have you noticed how much you can tell of a person just by the way they talk? It speaks volume doesn't it?

Yet it is improper to quickly, and hastily, make a judgement. I am guilty and I seek yours too. If there's anything we can do just by listening to them speak is to get in the same "frequency" or "wavelength" i.e. get in sync with their style. That is one of the best way to communicate to others.

I realised this also because I am studying shakespeare for an upcoming production; yes I'm gonnabe in Young Co.'s Love's Labour's Lost (by William Shakespeare) that will run from 10th to 14th Sept 2008. Tickets can be bought through Sistics. They cost $25, and $12 (students only).

Sue, my director, told me once that to study a shakespearean play (to better understand and perform the plays) is to read his lines properly; to peruse it with care. We have to be wary of all the punctuations, the verse, the vowels and consonants for they are our only guidance to understanding the play, first, then the sense of what we're saying. Essentially, we have to pay very close attention to the language. And never have I seen language being so highly praised like a reverend sport. I was simply humbled by the experience. It was overwhelming.

And to speak shakespeare is to have control of our breaths and organs of articulation. It truly is wonderful isn't it? How many people take care of the way they breathe and make the effort to pronounce the words properly i.e. without cutting corners? And the they are important too. They tell of which part of the word to stress on and which don't.

Try making the effort to say those words. They will sound more beautiful.

Love ya'll

Sunday, 10 August 2008

Two good songs

Song For A Friend- Jason Mraz

Well you're magic he said
But don't let it all go to your head
'Cause I bet if you all had it all figured out
Then you’d never get out of bed
Well no doubt
Of all the things that I’ve read what he wrote me
Is now sounding like the man I was hoping to be
Keep on keeping it real
'Cause it keeps getting easier he'll see
He’s the reason that I’m laughing
Even if there’s no one else
He said, you’ve got to love yourself

He said you shouldn’t mumble when you speak
But keep your tongue up in your cheek
And if you stumble onto something
Better remember that it’s humble that you seek
And you’ve got all the skill you need
You’ve got something
Call it gumption
Call it anything you want
Because when you play the fool now
You’re only fooling everyone else
You’re learning to love yourself.

yes you are
you are
yes you, you

There’s no price to pay
When you give and what you take.
That’s why it’s easy to thank you.
You, you, you, you, you

Let’s say take a break from our day and get back to the old garage.
Becuase life’s too short anyway but at least it’s better than average.
As long as you got me and I got you
You know we've got a lot to go around
I’ll be your friend
Your other brother
Another love to come and comfort you.
And I’ll keep reminding
If it’s the only thing I ever do
I will always love you
You, you, you

It's true I love it's true
It's you I love, it's you I love, It's you, It's you I love
It's true I love, it's true I love
It's you I love
It's you I love, it's you I love, it's you I love
I love you I do

oh and it's you I love

It's you I love, it's you I love, it's you, it's you I love
It's true I love, it's true I love, it's true, it's you I love
I's you I love, it's you I love, it's you, it's you I love

And I love I love I love
And I love I love I love
It's you I love
It's true
See my love my love my love
You see my love my love my love
It's you my love my love my love oh

(Jason + chorus)
Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it, Take control
And inevitably wind up
Finding for yourself
All the strengths you have inside still rising

Climb up over the top
Survey the state of the soul
You’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it, Take control and inevitably wind up
Findingfor yourself all the strengths you have inside of you

Life is Wonderful -Jason Mraz

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

La la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Al la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ha la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ha la la la la la life is wonderful
Ha la la la la la life is meaningful
Ha la la la la la life is wonderful
Ha la la la la la

This is one of those times when I let the songs do the talking...

Love ya'll

Sunday, 20 July 2008

I got scared

I have been thinking about...things.

Maybe I should push it back to a couple more years later. It was simply too scary.

But it doesn't mean it'll not come; just got delayed for awhile.

Though it does mean that nothing is how it's appearing to be. A smile, a laughter, a giggle and a jolly load of time doesn't mean I've been happy.

It is something everyone does to make a mockery of others. I for one am a good mocker. Not many people can see through the disguised and not many more care. There are a lot more who are oblivious to both.

I like to escape the gripping bareness of my life. It's brought nothing more than a mere existence of this set on stage; much like a prop - important but un-lasting. When the play is over (note: not ended), the stage is strike. Leaving the bare and coldness of space to take over once more.

That is how it has been - in episodes. The last few ones are coming, drawing a close to the story. And like any book that's being read finished, it's closed then shelved.

I know I am not alone in this. There are million others in this world who are going through the exact same thing as I am. But that's them, and this is me. That's the essential difference. That's the only essential difference.

Still, if you refuse to accept the above then think of it as another Holocaust. Easy to draw the similarities? Thank you.

I am an entertainer. I entertain and bring joy to others. But sad to say the same cannot be for me. An entertainer cannot entertain himself. It is his duty "to not do unto others what ether's do unto you."

There were depressing moments before but they've not lasted this long. This has been longer than a moment.

Of course it doesn't mean I've not been happy before. I have, I think. I just couldn't remember how it feels like to.

Remember my "tired" face? It's not exhaustion perse. Well, maybe it is. But it's more of a tired of living kinda thing. So I think I'm going to retire to bed again. I don't know why but I've been very tired lately. All I want to do is sleep.

Till next time. Good day.


Friday, 4 July 2008

Why can't I see what others can?

From Jason Mraz - The Beauty in Ugly

She’s so big hearted
But not so remarkable
Just an ordinary humble girl
Expecting nothing as we’re made to think
It’s a pretty person’s world

But you are beautiful
And you better go show it
So go look again
You gotta be true to your own
If you really wanna go to the top
Do you really wanna win
Don’t believe in leaving normal
Just to satisfy demand

Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly

Well you are fresh
Your face is fabulous
Don’t forget you’re one of a kind
When nobody’s checking the deeds you’ve done
And nobody’s hearing your cries
You make all the fashion statements
Just by dressing up your mind

And if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
And see the beauty in ugly

Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
And see the beauty in ugly

It's true what they are what you believe yourself to be. But...that belief has got to come from somewhere, hasn't it? Question is: where from?

I have no bearing to look at or clues to go on, how do I cope with myself? All these changes and everything...I've been taking them in and spilling them out in ways too stupid or dramatic to look at. I, myself, for one am not sure of my own doing. It's too erroneous and erratic; an impudent wench's doing. It can aptly say I've derailed.

Haha. It's true, it's true...I am no longer walking on proper grounds, I feel, or looking into the mirror for my reflection to see who's looking back at me. I don't want to know who it is and I don't think I would like to. I'd rather keep reeling in the real life. The essence of my living is gone and what's left are just...debris. What have I got to look back for? There's nothing but just dirt.

It is gone and I feel empty and forsaken but I still have to move on, dragging through for a couple more years or so before it all comes to a halt. A standstill. A freeze.

Well I find things are becoming more alien and unheimlich that I don't seem to recognise any. It's like I've become a stone, rock-solid and just sitting there, observing the scenes passing by. I know that I have a lot to live for but when the time comes, I just have to stop it all. Stop all the moving images and buzzing sounds, and sweet smell of stench air and velvet razors cutting through...everything I guess. Just, switch off the lights and go to sleep.

Catholics believe there's such a place called Purgatory. Muslims too, just that they don't call it such; I don't know what it's called. And so do Christians and Hindus and Buddhists and Pagan worshippers. And other agnostics. Funny how similar yet different some things like religion and faith are. I like to think religion as a rubic cube, just give it a few turns and voila! you've got one cube nicely colour-coordinated.

I'm not an atheist. I'm a Muslim. Not a pious muslim, just a decent one. I believe He will never forsake those who have faith in Him. But as for me who's living precariously by the edges, I feel like I'm living in the out-skirts of Life. So I don't know when I'm going to fall. My only worry is whether I will drop straight to Purgatory or Hades. Still, until then you will see me hanging by Hope and Faith. Maybe that's why I feel wishy-washy like in a washing machine. I am holding onto the thread instead of gripping a rope. Well I'm slipping anyway. It's only a matter of time before I let go.

But before I do - as I will not be able to come back and apologise (kakakakaka) - please forgive me for any wrong that I have done to you or any harm whatsoever. With regards to the money I still owe you, don't worry, rest assured I'll pay them before I go (I understand you need money to live). Uhm...what else? Just help me pass my goodbyes to those I didn't have the chance to, ok? Thank you.

Love ya'll

Tuesday, 1 July 2008


I know this is very sudden but...

Two things.

1. I wanna work in the PR line.

2. I hope the SAF Day celebration just now had been more professional looking and better orchestrated. Only the parade SM, warrant juma'at, did an excellent job. The rest of us have to learn from him.

Love ya'll

Thursday, 19 June 2008


How do we analyse language? There are a few actually. Read a book. Talk to Someone. Or come up with your own hypothesis. Universally, we use a textbook written by linguists or psychologists to understand spoken, written, sign or body language as reference. For me, I refer to books like How Language Works by David Crystal.

From reading his book I learnt that lexemes form the basis of language, not words; words are simply arbitrary constants, they have no meaning on their own. It is through understanding what it's meant to represent then would the word have a 'meaning'. And we get this from the study of semantics - the study of word meaning. After which we come to study the sentence to get 'the sense' of what something mean or is being referred to. This is where discourse and pragmatics come into the picture. Discourse is the phrases/clauses where the 'meaning' of the sentence lie - expressed in either active or passive form - and pragmatics is the study of how the language varies according to the social context. Thus, affecting the general rule i.e. grammar. And through all these we get speech acts, or better known as conversation (as a mean as communicating).

I finally know what's my problem: everything! I don't know what to do or where to go with what is there for me to use. I am bad at choosing and deciding. So that's how I ended up as sounding 'clumsy'.

That aside, I don't know what to study later at university. I still don't know what's best for me. More time? Is it necessary?

But I learn one thing though: not to get too close to someone too quickly.

The following lines are from Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Sir Walter: Why do you speak like a fool when you are anything but a fool?

Elizabeth: A fool? Yes, I am a vain and foolish woman.

The following is taken from King Lear(2.4.62-78):

Fool: We'll set thee to school to an ant, to teach thee there's no labouring i'th'winter. All that follow by the noses are led by their eyes but blind men, and there's not a nose among twenty but can smell him that's stinking. Let go thy hold when a great wheel runs down a hill, lest it break thy neck with the following. But the great one that goes upward, let him draw thee after. When a wise man gives thee better counsel, give me mine again; I would have none knaves follow it, since a fool gives it.

That sir which serves and seeks for gain
And follows but for form,
Will pack it when it begins to rain
And leave thee in the storm.
But I will tarry, the fool will stay,
And let the wise man fly;
The knave turns fool that runs away,
The fool know knave, perdy.

Sometimes it's better to be the fool, then to fool one's self; it's more virtuous.

Love ya'll

Friday, 13 June 2008

When a man airs his laundry

Like this would ever happen. He cannot even do his own laundry let alone air them. He's only good at taking them off and chucking them aside. Come on guys, let them know what you've been doing behind the doors...

Haiya. Whatever for. It's no secret anyway. I don't need statistics to tell me. Lancome Man, Chanel Man, L'oreal Men, Biotherm Men series, Clinique for Men, Clarins Men...they are quite loud you know.

That exposed, I am happier. It's a good evolution for us men. Show to tell, instead of show and tell. Story-telling do get old sometimes.

But I do need guidance and help on one thing: being a good modern man. Are you one? If you aren't, watch this:

(I poach from Su's blog without her knowing. Hehe) How I hope I can find one that fits the profile.

Don't you just love the Modern Man? They are simply more sexy and irresistible. Lol.

And being part-man (other part, boy), I finally learn to see and look, hear and listen, speak and talk, and be infantile-ly adult. Goodness help.

Deputy-secretary-general of the Rudzy's administration has. Design is expression, fashion is a statement, and style is personality. Influence influence Influence. Unjustifiable E-cupless but still fantabulous diva extraordinaire utters logic and runs away. Incongruity takes him apart. Danger plays with his toes. Tapping fingers to silence. Depression-therapy. Sees the dark and walks towards the man awaiting his coming. Sexing and petting. Religious controversy. Headlining. Awaiting patience, seeping silence. Gorgeous gown, white palate. Dull rainbow and colourful grey to fill the Life bottle. None other but yours truly. No more keeping but people waiting. Destructuring conventions. Appalling grammar. Breaking free. Tieing restraint. Break the ice. Kaput-ing. Sent for rehab. Hungry for love.

Love ya'll

Friday, 6 June 2008

I want a differing view

I want to be free like a bird...

Doesn't he see what he has?
For what good it brings and stories to tell
Goodness, no!

Did he ask why?
Forbid to speak
Thus, no!

Isn't he the slightest bit curious?
By the garden of Edens
Of course!

Why then does he keep quiet?
For the better good
It's better!

"For the better" by whose standards?
Well by the universe

Hasn't he thought of it as foolish?
Better than to err

Who does he fear?
By the name that says it all

What does he wish to be?
A bird!

Why a bird?
As the sun dawns on the land beyond
The vast space has he!
With nothing holding him down
He roams free!

Think again.

Think again?

Think again.

What's there to?

Has he a vast space to fly?
Is there really nothing holding him down?
Is he truly free?

A bickering pause as mountains move, valleys part, volcanoes explode and winds blow their strongest yet.

That is why he chose not to ask.
Even if curiosity brims, greater is the power of the mind.
Even to limit a limit, to space the space in between, to question a question, to answer an answer
There is, and forever will be, a greater greater.

Words will carry no meaning.
Time will have no purpose.
And Art has lost its culture.

Everything is gone.
Nothing will stay.
What's left?

A pause. A strong ray of blinding light seeps in between, shadowing what's in its way.

The nose can smell no more.
The ears can hear no more.
The eyes can see no more.
The mouth can speak no more.
The mind can touch no more.

A pause. The strong ray of light scissors what's left, even the finest.

I stand alone at the gates of choice. With me are my pain, sorrow and happiness, the three close friends that I never leave behind. I am not sure what to do next, or what to happen. But this I know for sure: when that gates open, I'll...

Love ya'll

Sunday, 1 June 2008


Had it been easier, it'll not be called Life...

If only I could tell you for real how it is. If only I could explain and make it less complicated. If only you'd finally accept. My life will be happier and guilt-free. Has it been this hard for some people? Why do I question this kinda things? It's quite clear there is no way around it. Maybe there is...but...nah, I don't think you'll do it. But then again some things aren't predictable. I'm becoming stupid. It's no wonder I get corrected most of the time. Ruzaini, help yourself! Well if it suddenly works out, what happens next? Wouldn't it very awkward? Turns out, we'll drift apart even further and faster. Like the story from the book The Glass Cathedral. Then, I'll learn my lesson. No! No! No! I can't bear that. I'll plunge to manic depression and die. How's that for living Life? But I would love to be with you. But it just can't. Unless you change (which will not happen). I need to move on. But it's so hard. Yet I have to. Would getting a surrogate or substitute be good? sounds like a good idea. Now where can I get one? No where, duh! Help! What's the use, no one is going to hear anyway less listen. I can say all I want but no one would talk. I can't move. Gosh...I need to move! Why am I stuck in this place. I know why, cause I'm fat hence high inertia. Don't give me thoughts. But oh please do. It feels so good to feel them. Is this love? But how can a good feeling be mixed with a horrible sensation at the same time? The juxtaposition is just wrong yet it's quite uncanny. Can I marry the two? Now that's a recipe for disaster! But everything has to be in balance for it to work, right? So that would mean it's good for both the good feeling and horrible sensation to coexist (man that sounds very animal but, errgh, whatever)...really? Nope. Some things can exist in balance but this kinda things, especially when at the centre of it you have the heart, mixing the two will not work. It'll be a conflict of interest and soon, I'll self-destruct. But it's better to self-destruct now especially when I'm feeling like crap. I've nothing to gain but everything to lose. Might as well lose everything at one go and atone. Atone? Was it a sin to love? Yes. Especially when it's the wrong person. It's a carnal sin, the eighth. But I've never lust over - . Don't lie. Oh okay, sometimes but it's to a harmless degree (aka with the top off). Whatever. You are greedy for wanting all to yourself. It's not greed! You're right, it's selfish. It's...What? Nothing. So how now? I don't know...I'm not happy because I'm guilty.

I hate myself for falling.

Love ya'll

Thursday, 29 May 2008

Bursting Bubbles

I have a space. You have a space. We have our spaces, our little cute bubble around us. But mine has burst. I am now bubbleless. I am not as bubbled as before. I am no longer bubbly.

But you still have yours. I can see it. You may not be able to see it but I can. It is a gift I have. I am gifted to see your bubble, and you're bubbly.

The bubbles in my eyes have burst. And water is now streaming down. I am telling myself, "Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts." But the water keep streaming down. Why?

I am smiling to keep the bubbles together. I am smiling to keep myself bubbly. But the bubbles burst still. And water is streaming down. Why?

Today was not a good day. I tell myself that tomorrow is better than today. But today is tomorrow. And tomorrow is yesterday. And yesterday is today. And yesterday was not a good day. So what is today?

Tell me how you'd like to live and I'll be happy. Tell me not and I'll keep smiling. Tell me so, I'll keep it a secret. Tell me now, I'll ...

I've yet to know where I am/have to go.

Love ya'll

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Writing like a Malay

It just "come to"/"dawn on" me that I write like a Malay. Yeah this is gonnabe a controversial entry but still politically safe. I am a Malay and I'm writing about my own race which effectively means I'm writing about myself.

But before you jump on the wagon let me clarify something. By writing like a Malay I mean the style I use to write my entries, or anything for that matter, is similar to how it would have been written in Malay. The lexical differences does not vary much (awkward expression). I cannot explain it well because firstly I am only an aspired linguist and secondly, it is difficult for me to express in words. But nevertheless I am going to try.

It is very technical. The way somebody writes is influenced by "the way the person is exposed to language"/"how much exposure the person gets" (this is just my view, it may not be true). So the more exposed the person is the better he/she gets. For me I grew up in a Malay household so Malay "is the first language I'm exposed to"/"is my mother tongue". Naturally, I "am"/"will be" better "at"/"in" Malay than "at"/"in" English. So when I have to write in English, I will have Malay influence (awkward expression). It is like, to put in layman term, Malay is the backbone for all the language I am going to learn; explains why I have a Malay accent when I converse in English (super awkward expression). But that was a long time ago. I no longer talk with a Malay accent but still writes with one.

That's why I am frustrated "at"/"with" myself whenever I cannot express myself well in English. It's because "I'm thinking in Malay still"/"I'll be thinking in Malay", though not consciously (needed?). It's like when I have to write something I'll be thinking this is how it is "written"/"going to sound" in Malay, how do I change it to English?

The problem "comes in when I have to choose the words"/"lies in choosing the words" and put("ting") them in a sentence. Even coming up with a sentence is difficult for me because it's heavily influenced by Malay which is wrong. How can two languages collage together in writing? It's a crime! For example I don't know when to use the word "talk"/"speak"/"say" in a sentence or which words should come first "so that it"/"for it to" sounds nice like: "I finally know now...."/"I now finally know..."/"Now, I finally know...." As you can see, using different words and expressing them differently gives different meanings. And if I am not careful, I might "send out the wrong meaning"/"send the wrong meaning out".

And that is the problem I have with spoken and written language. I am not good "with"/"at" them. I am clumsy with words and my expressions are awkward. It is very embarrassing to "still be making such mistakes at this age"/"to be making such mistakes still".

In the end, I subconsciously tune in to the frequency that I am better at: Malay (super awkward expression). And use it as a reference "although I know better"/"despite knowing better" that I shouldn't have and that I can't. But you see, we always go back to what we are familiar with and more comfortable in when in doubt or lost. And that is what I "keep"/"been" doing. I'm stressed.

Love ya'll

PS: Note that if I use one of the two expressions I wrote, it'll sound very Malay.

PPS: I wanna kick this habit but I can't seem to. I'm terribly stressed by this.

PPPS: Sorry if I have annoyed you. It's annoying me.

Thursday, 22 May 2008

I'm fucking mad.

Angry. and


at myself! I'm so


I don't know what to do or say!

Errgh! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

I'm so pent up and frustrated! Ah!

I'm so fessed up I don't wish to talk to anyone. Because I know that it won't be nice. I'm in the firing mood right now.






















This...this whatever you're doing! Don't think the world revolves around you because it doesn't! And no one is going to stop and attend to you. You're just a fucking somebody. Just a somebody! Anybody!

Grab hold of yourself and hit hard! Stop pretending that people has got to attend specially for you because they don't. They don't always care for you. They have their own matters to attend to! You've got to be up and on your own! Stop thinking that you are the centre of the universe. It's sick! And it sickens people! Sick I tell you! Sick!

Take a fucking good look around. Look! Don't say that people are difficult to attend to or please when it's just you! Yes, you fucker! It's just you! You!

You are the one that's fucking hard to please and entertain and get close to. It is you! Not someone else, but you! The problem lies in you! You are the problem! You are your own problem! Look no further or anywhere around. It is just you Ruzaini! YOU! You are the difficult and ridiculous one!

No! No! Don't say that it's others when you yourself is the problem! Yes you are! Look no further you fucking motherfucker bitch! Just look down and at YOURSELF!

What have you got to look at in others that you don't see for yourself? What's in others that you don't see in you! You are the matter! You are the cause! You! Stop looking around and pushing the blame AND TRYING TO FUCKING RATIONALISE!




Accepting the fact that you're problematic and pent up and frustrated and irritating and annoying and ridiculous!

You are a joke of your own kind you damn fucker!

Don't say and tell others they have changed when it is you who have! Don't say that they are difficult. Stop saying that! Stop pushing the blame around and let the finger point at you! Accept the fact that it is you who's the difficult one! Point the finger at yourself!







Fun's over and get real! You are nothing but a piece of shit who broods and whines and seeks attention from others and rationalise things thinking you're all smart and all-knowing.

You think you're so good and intelligent and all-knowing, right?! Condeming others with your "wisdom" that comes from your fucking arse! Your friend is right.







Monday, 19 May 2008

Curled fingers

Am I simply boring or depessed? There seems to be nothing much I'd like to moot about.

Take today for example. I practically slept through the day. Many people would say it is fine and normal for us to be lulling in bed the whole day since we've not had anything much to do. But here's the problem: I don't like lazing around doing nothing. I wanna work it out or do something, anything besides sleeping. I'm not tired or burnt out. If I am I would appreciate the time I have to sleep through. But no. And now the day is coming to a close.

I was supposed to go Raffles City with Kahei today to shop for a watch. But I just got mood out suddenly and decided to call it off. Why?

Could it be money? I mean if I had lotsa money to shop or simply go out I think my time would be better spent. I wouldn't mind going Taka and grab a few tops and bottoms or Compasspoint even. Or spent money with family eating out, at all the expensive places. I pity them. Because it is I who often goes to these places with my friends and spend a lil more.

Or maybe I could sign up for dance and singing classes. Yes, that would be what I wanna do more. I need to condition myself. I feel so unfit and fat; like a huge tub of lard sitting on a stool - growing heavier by the minute. And my dream of becoming an entertainer can actually come true. What do you think? Me the next Madonna?

I wannabe a geisha. I find them simply stunning, dedicating their life to the Arts. Yes I know most are forced into being one that'll be the other difference between me and them. The first is that I'm a guy. Do you see how they dance? Walk? Sing? Play an instrument? Every stroke, every gesture is strong, powerful, elegant, poised, graceful as if they're painting. They are magnificent artists.

And that's how I feel about Dance - strong, powerful, elegant, poised and graceful. That's why I wannabe a dancer. And that's why I'd like to enrol in a dance school. After that I go to an acting school. Only then will I actively go for auditions and work my way to getting the Golden Globe, Tony Award, Emmy's, BAFTA and be at the Cannes Film Festival. I wannabe an actor. That's what I wannabe, and that's who I am.

There's nothing more satisfying than performing for others. To let them enjoy and capture them in that moment, to enchant and put them in a trance-like state and bring them through the emotional journey. To force them to scream, yelp, tear, cry, sob, be angry, happy, laugh and let them enjoy the catharsis. It's just beautiful, subliminal even. And pure harmony.

Love ya'll

Saturday, 17 May 2008

A touch of truth

Hearing, reading and knowing what university alumni has to say about their alma altar is still not good enough. Yes they do give us a picture, a rough idea, of the school culture and strengths but do we really fit in?

Just browse through the papers and tah-dah! you'll find half a page of advertisements on a local university and what its alumni has to say. And then you think,"Hey maybe this school is for me! I wannabe smart and successful just like them!"

1. The students featured are already good enough hence chosen. You might not be. The school does help to boost their success through its syllabus, teaching style, curriculum, activities, etc. If you're not good enough then you'll be deprived of certain priviliges given to only those deserving - the already smart and sucessful. Small fries get shelved and eaten by the jaws of time.

2. I'm a small fry.

1. The school can make a small fry become a big fry that will fry others; the lame-ness of this statement is equivalent to the absurdity of the idea.

Just like the relentless and appalling number of death toll reported recently.

Master Jensen: (after hearing the news from BBC) Everywhere people are dying. Not of old age, or sickness but of violence.

Me: (after a momentary pause) And it's sad that people are getting smarter (and more intelligent).

I find it simply alarming that intelligent and well-bred human beings are inflicting pain on Gaia and themselves. And here's the best part: even after knowing better! What is wrong with us? What's happening to the mind that was given to us by Him to be used wisely?

And the government of those affected countries? It is clear and well understood why they refuse to accept foreign aids eventhough the situation is deteriorating exponentially. Having foreign aids to intervene and help settle down the dust would show their incomptence in managing a large-scale catastrophe such as an earthquake and cyclone.

I think there would not be a better time than now to foster good international relations. It's how friendship is built; good friends stay when others walk out. Let them in and help. It's not a problem so stop making it as one. Time is running and more people are dying. Please understand the gravity of the situation.

Can it be pride? Or a whimsical paradox?

To fail is a way to succeed.

Last Thursday I went for a 5-km route march with the MOCC cadets. Not having done a route march for a very long time, I wasn't cynical of my capabilities. I knew I could do it though people were telling me otherwise and discouraging me to go. But that wasn't the problem, this is: during the march a few of the cadets were lumbering even before the halfway point and the instructors were indifferent. I suddenly became mad and worried at the same time. Why didn't they (the cadets) fall out and why didn't the instructors force them to? Those poor fellas were slogging through intense pain. So I talked to Kent (he was the safety officer for the march) about it yesterday and he said something along the line of,"the commander and instructors know but they want to cadets to endure and persevere. It's not being heartless, it's being caring."


And then I realised, it's a fucking natural paradox. But can there be no compromise?

I'm not sure if the Burmese and Chinese government are going to let foreign aids in anytime soon or even ever. But this I know for sure, if they keep preaching that safety is paramount don't openly breach it in the name of paradox. Compromise and lead, that's what I think any good leader should do.

Love ya'll

Sunday, 11 May 2008

Not happy

I feel like writing something but I just don't know what! Errgh fuck this shit.

And if I'm bad communicating, tell me. Thanks Astri.


What is it that I know and am so sure about?

What is it? And what can it be?

Seems like I know nothing and that I blabber utter rubbish all the time. Explains why I got a C6 for GP and people stop talking, I think the word is communicating, with me at certain point of time. Gosh I must have been so thick and dense to not realise such a simple thing...

But dear Life has to go on and I will have to realise what matters to me.

I think I need sex, or friends with benefits for a start.


If I let out - i.e. say out - the crazy things that I'll do, it means I won't. The frustration is already out; nothing is bottling up.

Too complicated? No one is easy to comprehend.


This is what I see: people have talents, they are good at something whatever it is whereas me, I lack so many things and needless to say, being good at something. Seducing? I'm not seductive nor sexy. Business? I don't have the aptitude. Writing? I'm clumsy with words. Talking? I speak gibberish. Leadership? Pfft. Being trendy? I am not good with style and latest fashion. Confidanteship? I'm trying but doesn't seem going well. Crafty? I have no such creativity. Dance? I'm not good at that either. Acting? I'm amateur-ish.

So what is it that I can be proud of?

Love ya'll

Friday, 9 May 2008


The money will be in tonight (YEAH!) which means I'll be...neither poorer nor richer (what!? why? oh no!)...

That's 'cause I have to put aside some amount - which is quite a lot you know - for the bills and all those kinda things I have to pay. Like duh right people. Lol. You also what. Kakakaka.

So after coming up with a plan (several actually) I have decided.

On another note, I feel like catching a play. The one by Young & Wild, The Hydrochondriac or something like that lah. I'm most prolly going with Su - my theatre buddy (*winks flirticiously at her) - next Thursday. If I go then I tell you lah hor. Otherwise, sorry. Go watch and tell me!

Oh ya, do you know that you use "if" only if you want the person to reply. "Whether" is used whether you want the person to reply or not. +)

Haiks. Baeg and Ahmad gonna ORD this June. And Kent November, so is Dickson. And so many other people also...SMTI will not be the same lor. I mean I can make new friends but it just wont be the same, it's simply different. I'm gonna miss them. I already am (I think). Don't laugh at my melodrama. It's true okay. Uhm!

I mean like even in camp it's hard to meet, what more outside. Like JT. Eversince he ORD, I never see him. Okay that was a lie. I did, once. For a meet up. Then long period never see. Then later this 24th I think I seeing him again. Like very long then can see sia. It's so what right?

But we keep going forward, just don't forget to pick up the pieces when you pass them.

Love ya'll

Saturday, 3 May 2008

A dumb ass talking

Physical intimacy, sex, kissing, touching and all other taboo but rudimentary subjects that make a man have genders. It's either a male or female; no two way about it. Simple, less complicating and acceptable. And it has one criterion: it cannot be done by two people of the male species.


Any other permutations would do, except for that one. Why?

I do not wish to be dogmatic but the absurdity of the exclusion compels me. As far as history is concern, boy-lovers were many among the royalties and those who've had the privelege of being in the hallmark of human history. Alexander, Phillips, Aristotle, rulers of the cultured Chinese empires have had them. Don't you want one too, it's easier to get one to you know? You've one here who's willing to give it a try. =)

And male escorts aka a more legitimate term for gigolo? The rich have them. Doesn't your innate desire to be someone great urges you, even the slightest?

If you can't be The Rich, then tweak a lil bit of their lifestyle and it's yours. I think we had a math prodigy doing that somewhere in the world (a math prodigy, oh goodness!).

And let's not forget our star. Having had to endure those 10 hours with 251 men pounding on you, man! that takes power and courage. Some would say she's stupid, idiotic and crazy. But what do they know? Were they from one of the elite schools in Singapore and a lawyer, trained in UK, brought up in a strict and astute Christian background?

And models who are good at one thing - giving gorgeous pictures in a flash. Though I cannot but recall reading somewhere and meeting people some time who have more than simply looks. Their brains are just as gorgeous. Tyra, Sharon Stone, Scarlett. Ok, let's bring down the scale to the size of a red dot on a globe. How many models have brains? Jaymee, Lilin, Utt, Nadia, Michelle Chia and Chong, Zoe, ...

Nah...but then again, it's different. People have class, and they are classified. Certain behaviours and mindset can only be applied to certain people and only certain people have those mindset and behaviours. Not all will be given and have equal rights. We need gas and carbon and they need to suffer. We need to live they have to die. They need to be in poverty so that we can have our luxurious life. It's just fair isn't it? A balance. A right balance. Right Murphy? =)

Sometimes I find it better not telling. Other times I wish that people would think, better.

Love ya'll

Monday, 28 April 2008

Sanctimonious, Being Piously Lewd

With the beat of drum,
The men are coming
To say their peace
All forsooth and unbecoming.

To hear me speak
While the vines all climb
In due all time
In mute, no time.

But they have yet to say

Here astood the man that once said,
Back in set the domes of Faith.
The light that dawn once there;
Now good agone the long lost nay,
Bequeath his heart he asked not why
For what he gets he sleeps he may.

But they have yet to say

In a lie a life he tie
To a ring he swallows by.

To those forsake he runs not where
To those forsake He's not been there
To those forsake he asked not why
To those forsake He laugh on by.

But He has yet to say

The big red wing come onto the sky
Let it be known that once it's white.
The sacrilege of thy will not be known,
Only the sharp-toothed fang will show you go.
For it proves the It inside;
Will loom on grow the wilted fellow.
Stand the ground that thou shalt walk
Let it not damn the rose;
Whose colour ever so pure
As the blood that runs the veins
And the same that seeps the pain.
The red it shows mean many
Just not let it stain the lifting dove.

His heart seeks the felony
To cease the salacious desire
Of prude a matter that makes a man
To light the dim that shadows the wall
Whose blood it pumps
For in so pure.

His mind is spaced
To Paradise he goes
The path he longs
Once shrouded now clear.
With the beat of drum
He takes off a leap
For that he forseeks
He says,"I'm coming!"

Love ya'll

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

"Self-deduced" - somebody

If something were to happen to me, just know that it's got nothing to do with your doing (somehow) or undoing. It's unfortunate that it happened but nevertheless, it did. Move on and continue loving and living. If there was something, anything, that made you realised do wake up and change before time runs out. Time is ever ticking and awaits no one. Nothing will change if you don't.

Love ya'll

Friday, 18 April 2008

It made me think

Looking at the date of this entry and the last made me wonder somehow if I've been dead and now back to haunt the living beings of his friends...kakakaka.

Well no. I've been pretty much dead; just not buried. Need I say why?

For the benefit of those who'd like to know, it means my life has been wonder the age of Fin-de-Sicle came about. I'm so feeling it man. Muahahahaha! Interesting right my life?

If you're bored of hearing me lament over my boring life then feel free to either write your own or read some of my friend's blog. Alternatively, you get start facebooking. (Man, has that word become a proper noun now?)

Anyway, I saw the Atonement last Sunday. Rent it from Play. Followed by the Transformers. I'll try to talk about Transformers if I have the stamina still. Otherwise, it'll just be about Atonement.

Atonement...need I explain more? The title is pretty self explanatory right? Anyway, after watching the film it made me think for awhile - note my awhile is usually hours long (the subject of time is after all subjective). It made me realised that I should be more careful when I want to do something. And not to take it lightly. Yes emotions do help, especially when you have a hunch on something but being overly emotional could prove to backfire.

And to not act on impulse, that's another danger. A small matter can easily blow up to out of proportion with my carelessness. To not be callous and insensitive. And most of all, to love.

On another tangent, this drama king/queen/whatever has a talk with one of his friends and a brief text conversation with another. It appears that he has spoken again - made another (to what only he believes) alarming remark that he has split personality disorder!

Wow! Kudos! Brava! Eureka! Fireworks cracking in the sky!

It's not bad enough that he made a claim earlier on that he had to devise a new persona to differentiate himself from his stage persona, to safekeep his name and protect his identity; now he vouched - by a seemingly "sudden" stroke of miracle that has just been bestowed upon his (pathetic) self - that he actually has no real personality of his own to begin with! That his life has been a lie and a game of masquerade! What belied truth to beguile the bemoan (and precipitating) a (chiascurro) moment of sublime reality and fantastic illusion! one might say.

Goodness gracious me, this boy is already fucking mad. Quick get the doctor! Is there a doctor in the house, somehow? Like under the bed or in the closet or something? Quick! Hurry! Rush! Rush!

God bless his soul. He's out and gone. May he rest in peace...

Is this fucker a fucker or a fucker?!


Am I sick? Am I really unwell or am I simply being overly dramatic? Any heart-beating and breathing teenager reading this would say it's more of the latter. And any harbouring thoughts of thinking that it could possibly be the former is quickly dismissed as preposterous and labelled as a mean of seeking attention.

Well perhaps I am. Perhaps I am seeking attention. Perhaps I am an attention-seeker. I long for attention. I long for people to take me seriously and not look away after one glance. I long to be challenged with mature conversation. I long to be questioned and probed. To not look at me as this aloof flamboyant gay bastard who prances around like a fucking irritating pest that's better left unattended to! To fling him aside and left at the dumbster to ferment...

I have issues. I hate myself.

Love ya'll

Friday, 4 April 2008

Love You More

Take me back into the arms I love
Need me like you did before
Touch me once again
And remember when
There was no one that you wanted more

Don't go you know you will break my heart
She won't love you like I will
I'm the one who'll stay
When she walks away
And you know I'll be standing here still

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
Can't you see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

See me as if you never knew
Hold me so you can't let go
[ Find more Lyrics at ]
Just believe in me
I will make you see
All the things that your
Heart needs to know

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
Can't you see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

And some way all the love that
we had can be saved
Whatever it takes we'll find a way

Believe in me
I will make you see
All the things that your
heart needs to know

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
Can't you see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

Tentatively speaking

We are all living, tentatively.

Nothing is permanent. Everything will come to an end.

I have ten active seconds. Each one different. Each ten is different. Each difference is subservient to change. Even they do not wish to keep still. Lol. Look at how funny it is.

We cajole to change. We wait for change. We make the change, sometimes. We change.

But why do we change?

Because we have to.

We have to?

Yes, and it's needless to say.

There has got to be a reason.

Should there be a reason for change?


Should there be a reason for everything?




Everything is tentative. It's going to change anyway. Why bother wait for answers?


Should I change?


Should I not?


I think I should.


Because I'm happy.

What's that got to do?



Can you keep a secret?


What do you think of me?


...That's it...?

What more?

Guess I settle for good.

You want better?

Better is good.

Good is better than poor.

And pathetic.

But not friends.

Friends are good.

Not all.

Friendship is not tentative. It's lasting.

Love is lasting.

Friendship is Love. Love is subservient.


Sense of belonging.

And purpose.

What's the meaning in there?

No meaning.

But you said...

I know. So?


Nothing is good. Nothing is tentative.

But everything is tentative.

Nothing is everything without anything.

So anything is tentative?

Yes. Anything is tentative.

And so is Nothing?



Everything will change. Nothing will change. Anything will change. And I'm tentatively dead. =)

Love ya'll

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

Random mumbling

I'm watching American Idol...

...which reminds me...Shafiq got say to me once, "Have you ever wondered why is it American Idol and not Singaporean Idol?" I just stood, stunned...

...and today's mentor is Dolly Parton

(do you really know who she is? Or are you like,"Yeah I know who she is but I just don't know what song she has sung..." So I admit I don't know. Innocent. Smile.)

who says, "I know I'm cute" and we can pardon her for saying that cause that's just how it is. She's a familiar face in the industry, she's become a friend to many people - who know her but she doesn't know them and that don't matter - and friends saying that about themselves is permissible by us. Right? So can I say I'm cute and not get tomatoes thrown at me?


"Say what you think!"

I say: Just don't get caught.

"Just shut up!"

I say: You first.

"Don't talk to me!"

I say: Who said I was?

"Don't try to be a smart."

I say: Not gonna.

I had a sms-conversation with Su (Sufirah) :-

Su: Ruz! My boyfriend is as straight as the equator!

Me: But the equator follows the globe and the globe is round so the equator bends...(not in the sms but I just added)...because it can...hehe...

Am I such a bastardy bitch? Haiks, no I'm not.

And we all should start watching Dirt.

And David Achutella might win American Idol.

Syesha is rocking the song I Will Always Love You! Which was originally sung by Dolly Parton (what!? really???)...So of course ANYONE who sings that song WILL be compared to Whitney and she didn't get good comments by the judges but what the fucking hell. It was Syesha. I really like it. Another singer who did the song justice is X-Factor winner Leona Lewis. Yup! The Bleeding Love woman. Go youtube her lah; Leona Lewis - I Will Always Love You. Almost perfect sia..wooooooooh! Orgasing. Don't disturb. Ooh ah. Ooh ah. Ooh ah. Ooh ah. Ooha ah. Lol.


Another night. Another rambling. Another day coming to a close. Another day I managed to wake up. What happens then


Love ya'll

Sunday, 30 March 2008

I (need) help

Haiks..I don't know what have I done. I'm such a drama king/queen/whatever. It's like ridiculous lah. But I don't know why I do it also.

This is the problem actually:

I like to spin drama in my life. And then pretend like I'm the lead in this show who got all these emotional crap thrown at him and then how he seeks sympathy from people close to him.

Repugnant? Totally! Unnatural? Exactly! Sick? Absolutely!

How? You mean my life so boring one meh that I have to make a drama out of it? Or is it because I cannot get roles like that I'm making my own? Can also what. I mean, logical kan?

See lah...that's what happened when you're not handsome and have a good bod and you like to act. You make drama out of nothing, kinda like Shakespeare.

Wait! OMG! Am I the new Shakespeare?

- Oh comes me dreaming again...enough lah. You're not fucking Shakespeare. Can stop dreaming so big can or not? - okay.

But if I don't dream and make drama, how to write good drama stories right? I mean I need material. And where better to get them from own experience. So that means I can spin drama lah.

But if you cannot write properly, what's the point?

Well, at least I got material. I can start somewhere. Suchen-Christine Lim took 3 years writing and re-writing the awared winning The Souls God Forsake. That shows it's possible. I just have to keep refining it.

Whatever you say lah Ruzaini...

Oh ya. One more thing. Should we be given the ability to change our history?

Well of course! That will be great. So many people would want that to happen. So yeah, we should be given that ability.

Like Hiro?

Yeah! Like Hiro! Yaa-tah!

But why?

Why, why?

If we get the chance to change history, we wouldn't see and go through what we have come across. Isn't that bad?

(saying it Ellen's way) What? What nonsense. Eh mat kental (geek), can wake up and smell the air or not?

Don't you like what you've seen and gone through?

Nah. No, not really.

Are they all that bad?

...not all lah. Some.

So some are good?

Uh huh.

But what if you go back in time and change your past which cause your future to be more miserable than it already is?

Wah! You so pessimistic one meh? Can also be better what? Stupid!

"Can also be better." Not necessarily better.


Maybe we should not change what has happened. There must be a reason why we cannot change our past?

Oh yeah? And what's that?

What's that?

I'm talking to myself again...God I must be crazy... :\

Love ya'll

Friday, 28 March 2008

The song that I'd like to dance to

And also sing (gosh someone teach me how to)


"Doesn't Really Matter"

Hmm, he-he
Oh, hey
Doesn't matter (It doesn't matter)
Doesn't matter at all

Doesn't matter what your friends are telling you
Doesn't matter what my family's saying too

It just matters that I'm in love with you
It only matters that you love me too

It doesn't matter if they won't accept you
I'm accepting of you and the things you do
Just as long as it's you
Nobody but you, baby, baby

My love for you, unconditional love too
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that it¡­

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

(You're so kind)
Just what I asked for, you're so loving and kind
(And you're mine)
And I can't believe you're mine

Doesn't matter if you're feeling insecure
Doesn't matter if you're feeling so unsure
Cause I'll take away the doubt within your heart
And show that my love will never hurt or harm

Doesn't matter what the pain we go through
Doesn't matter if the money's gone too
Just as long as I'm with you
Nobody but you, baby, baby

You're love for me, unconditional I see
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that it¡­

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

(You're so kind)
Just what I asked for, you're so loving and kind
(And you're mine)
And I can't believe you're mine

Doesn't matter what they say
Cause you know I'm gonna love you anyway
Doesn't matter what they do
Cause my love will always be with you

My love for you unconditional love too
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that
My love is true, and it's just for you, uh

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true

And best of all you love me to
And nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me
Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
(I'm always doing that!)
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

Thursday, 27 March 2008

I don't know what to do

Sometimes you make a mistake and you don't know how to wriggle your way out of it. So what you do is to be invisible - make yourself scarce and unknown. The less likely to be seen, the better.

I guess that is what I'm trying to do. But I feel like I'm in deep shit so I don't know what to do. Should I let the matter be as it is or pursue it? If I pursue it, it might get messier (as if it's not messy enough).

Grrr...I don't know what to do. Perhaps I should play the game of hide-and-seek.

Or not wake up at all. Let the thing fleet around somewhere somewhere...

Love ya'll

Saturday, 22 March 2008

Theatrically speaking

Had Young Co. just now with Sue and 5 other people (instead of 10+ more). It was good. A good session. So far, all my Young Co. sessions have been fun.

I learn what it's like becoming and being an actor. And acting is no easy thing. You think some actors are acting? Well they are "acting" all right. If I had a better looking face and body, I'll be a celebrity in Singapore by now (or least till after my NS). Sorry but I have to say that. I'm mad at the public supporting some of our (supposed) local actors, on screen especially. Wake up and watch true theatre and excellent screen acting, and then you'd know. =)

Haiks...I have another confession to make. Because theatre acting has been a huge part of my life, it's been theatre-ed somehow, inevitably. My own character is always filled with theatrics. Explains the over the top behaviour sometimes? Yeah. It's all the theatre acting. It's now become part of me. And I can't shake it off.

So I'm sorry if I show it too loudly. It's hard to hide behind the highly theatre-ed me. The theatrics hides nothing. Instead, almost everything I do gets magnified and exaggerated. So I'm sorry if I appear as a drama queen/king. I can't help it. It's too well embedded in me. I'm theatrical by nature now.

Which sadly isn't a good thing because that means people don't think I'm actually acting on stage. Even I find it so. So how to I make my acting believable? I don't know. I'm only 20. i've a lot to learn.

Love ya'll


I just wanna go back to sleep and not ever wake up.

Burning in me is a flame that refuse to die out. I'm slowly burning from the inside out. One day, haha, I will be on flame. And I don't know if that's a good thing.

Perhaps it'll be a new beginning? Perhaps it'll be a new end? Or will I be gone and not found? Uhm...

It's not a good thought to entertain huh?

Love ya'll

Sunday, 16 March 2008


Mary J Blige sings happy song about Family Affairs but I think sometimes it's everything but. Unlike some people I am not close to my family, but doesn't mean we're apart. We don't eat together. Spend time together as a family like going to the beach or simply having a picnic over the weekends. Maybe I have myself to blame for that. I chose to drift away from them. And I think it's for a good reason.

Would you still want to acquaint yourself to people who are unsupportive of the things you do and more, of who you are? I've not told them about me because I find it pointless. Furthermore, they'll flip and maybe disown me. Well I may never know but the fear if enough to put off thoughts of exposing myself. It's frightening enough.

You see the things I do now I keep my family in the dark. I told Kent most of it. I think probably he knows most about me. That's because unlike him, they would brush off the idea. Especially my dad. He's always condemning - there's no better word for it - my brother and I of the things we would like to do. Words like "idiot", "stupid", "waste of time", "ridiculous" are among the unplesant words he would utter to us. Compliments? As far as I could recall, he's never said them. Or maybe he has but because it's been a long time since it seems immaterial now. But it doesn't matter. My brother and I are old enough to take care of myself. Let my youngest sister have all his attention and care.

It's fine with me that he compliments her a lot, and pays more attention to her because that means she'll have a better childhood and later life compared to my brother and I. And as the eldest child, you just wanna see your younger siblings be better than you. Just like how our parents want us to be better than them. So I'm happy for her.

I stay in camp for reasons like these: I want my space, I wanna get away from my family, I wanna prove to my parents that I can be independent, and, especially this, I am not worthless. Are these selfish reasons? My mother thinks so which is why she disapproves me of staying over in camp. But I couldn't care less. It's my life now. I think it's time I have control of my life.

And my dad? Well he's okay with it. He knows. He was once a young man. So I appreciate his understanding.

Before I continue, please bear in mind that I do not loathe my family. Neither do I dislike them. I simply want to tell them, indirectly, that I am not leeching off them and to leave me alone. If you're not supportive of what I did and gonna do, then leave me alone to do them. I don't need your help anymore. I can carry on on my own. You've unnecessarily baggaged me enough. Let me succeed and fall on my own. Isn't that what you're pushing me to do?

I'm only close to my brother. And that was because I have to. There was a period of them when he was seriously troubled, and getting into serious trouble. And my mum was practically losing her mind. My dad indulges in work to get away from all these. And my sister, she's just lost and pained in the mess. I drifted away as well. But realised that my mum was flailing so I decide to help. Thank goodness things got back to normal. And now, I'm detaching myself once more. But still close to my brother. But he doesn't know much about me. Neither do I know much about him. But we definitely know more about each other than our parents do about us. And it pains my mum. I see it in her eyes. But unless some things change, I don think my and brother and I are gonna. I've done enough to make things better. But none are appreciated.

I envy those people with good parents. From what I see, they grow up becoming more sucessful and happier people. I wish my family is like that. Maybe when I have a family on my own, I can have my fantasy family. But till then, I'm working hard for it.

A friend of mine told me that he feels like he's got no family. They're physically living together but not together. And it saddens him. I know what you're saying man.

What's the root of the problem actually? Is it the conomy? A natural by-product of modernisation? Fate? A psychological problem? Whatever it is, it's insidious alright.

Right now I feel empty; almost literally. I feel so empty. As if my whole body is a vacuum, and my life is a facade. A smile in front hiding the drooping frown underneathe. It really feels so empty. I've never felt so empty before. Even with all the fun activities I were to do, I still find my life uneventful. I feel like sleeping and not waking up. It's like I find no reason and purpose to wake up.

Why am I waking up everyday?

Love ya'll

Friday, 14 March 2008

Unexplained propensity

It's the controversy again: world champion athlete withdrawing from the Olympics, schools closing down due to pandemic, celebrity taking obscene photos, incompetent leader wins election, etc. It's never ending, is it?

Can we really forgive?
Can the bad be good?
Can I say something and be pardonned?
Can second chances be given?
Can the chapter be written and the book closed?
Can someone vouch for some things?
Can the rain stop falling?
Can every moment don't weigh heavily down on us?
Can we don't talk so much?
Can we not utter a word?
Can the end be over?
Can the loop not rope anymore lives?
Can pretty be ugly?
Can I come home?
Can I feel love(d)?
Can vultures hunt?
Can sadness be the new happiness?
Can the grey clouds go away?
Can the eyes not be fogged?
Can I sleep forever?
Can I not wake up?
Can hatred stop killing people?
Can hope?
Can faith be false?
Can god be imagined?
Can the hated be adored?
Can a broken heart be mended?
Can language stay faithful?
Can there be wrong?
Can there be right?
Can the wronged be right?
Can the right be wronged?
Can the open wound heal?
Can the healed wound open?
Can there be no buts?
Can they understand?
Can regrets be collected?
Can beauty be grotesque?
Can I make it over?
Can I make it stop?
Can I not feel scared?
Can the remains decompose?
Can I stop living?
Can I stop breathing?
Can time stop?
Can the heart beats no more?
Can I not remember?
Can a curse be a blessing?
Can power conquers all?
Can I have you?
Can everything be stripped bare?
Can there be no judgement?
Can doctrines cease to exist?
Can heroes live forever?
Can I not feel troubled and uneasy?
Can it be better?
Can better be an option?
Can an option be better?
Can the dust settle?
Can art mock life?
Can stupidity not be foolish?
Can the mind capture everything?
Can things exist in a vacuum?
Can the mind be a vacuum?
Can there be an answer?

I have nun.

Love ya'll

Sunday, 9 March 2008


It's not been a good week for me. Not that things aren't good but I'm feeling melancholic. And to a large extent, sorry.

It's remorseful. I love my friend. And I wannabe there for him. But he's not ready to let anything go. It's painful seeing your friend in pain, right? He doesn't need to say or do anything. You're so close to him that even you can feel it. I don't know who else would feel the same. He aint me. I really show what I'm feeling. Although an actor, the time when people know I'm not acting is when I show my true colours and self. It's the time when I don't have to hide or feign anything. It's the time I can be me. It's a thing I develop. Another persona.

This friend of mine hides all. He's been through so much that his facade is really good. He might have talked about it to his other frineds. Or colleagues. Or his brother. But I don't know how much of it he talks to them. And I don't wanna bother also. What I care is how well he is. And from the looks of it, he ain't doing too well.

Friend, if you're reading this, don't feel bad for me. And don't you dare feel sorry that I have to bear this baggage with you. It's not your fault. Don't you dare feel like you're burdening me. We're in this together. I'm with you. For as long as it'll take. And don't you hide anything from me bro. Just don't, okay? Just don't.

We're pratically the same person now. So forget about feeling bad that you dragged me into this. Remember the ridiculous equation we made up? It's not that ridiculous now, is it?

Stop saying sorry. Do you know how frustrating it is? You can try to hide it all from me. But it's written all over you. And you can't hide it. I've seen through you. I saw what you've been through. It's no different now. Please.

Love ya'll

Tuesday, 4 March 2008


I'm mad at someone. Fucking mad. Well irritated actually. Fucking irritated. Ah!

Would you be mad at a friend who doesn't reply to your smses (and you know s/he is the kind that doesn't reply to smses often)? Or would you say,"It's ok. I know you're busy." Or even think that s/he would expect you, of all people, to understand s/he most?

What would you do? How would you react? Would you confront? Or maybe act to play the same game some time later? Or just let it pass (your friendship matters most)? I'm up for all of the above. The sooner I can get to it, the better. Revenge is sweet. My heart is black. It's stoned.

But wouldn't that be unreasonable? Like really. That poor fella is trying his hardest to breathe under the pile of stress and here you are fucking him about not spending time with you? In retrospect, it's not like he's like this all the time.

But I wait for him all the time. For him to finish his work, till late sometimes, before going home. I mean I don't have to. I'm not his boyfriend. And neither is he mine. We're just close buddies. He did say I didn't have to wait for him. Or stay in with him. But I won't listen. I want to cause I simply want. So if anything bad were to happen, it's me I blame. Not him.

But his boss would send him home if I don't wait. If I do, then he'll send us both in his car to a bus stop where the two of us can take the same bus home. I am grateful for his help. It's very kind of him. And in his car I'll watch them both joke around with each other, like father and son. It's really endearing, and touching. I enjoy watching them building the chemistry. However now I realise I'm like an outsider - as if I'm disturbing a father and son bonding session. Indirectly, I feel chided. And I don't blame them. It's their time. I mean I accepted the offer. I could have declined. Maybe I should have.

I should have.

Of course it's not said that my presence in the car is unwelcomed but the strong bonding (man, now it reminds me of chemistry all over again) had an effect on me. I really do feel out of place. Like the outsider who tries to be part of a family, but simply cannot be welcomed, like the creature in Frankenstein.

Talking about him, man right now I do feel like I'm the creature. My grotesque-like demeanor (in my opinion it's so) and unhandsome appearance, a total contrast to this friend of mine here all the more makes me feel like the creature. I do feel disgusting. One, for being angry at and jealous of my friend when I'm clearly not in a place and, to needless to say, entitled to. And also possessive of his time, wanting more of his attention than what he's already given. It's his time. He gets to decide how much time he wants to spend with who. For me to say he should have spent on me would be unscrupulous. It's despicable. I'm despicable. That's why I feel like the creature. I know how it feels like.

Innocuous as his intentions may be, he's hurting me by keeping quiet and making me feel that I've been pushed aside. It gets irritating when what you've waited for doesn't come, right? I mean if I mean a lot to him as a friend, then he should take care of my feelings. This is not about whether I would yearn for him to be my boyfriend or something along that line. Or whether or not he's considered as a boyfriend or me deluding myself that is mine. No. It's about friendship. And about caring for the people whom you care for. It's one of the basic rules of forming relationship with people. It's about treating a person. About how a person should treat another. About the goodness and respect you share with each other. It's about the effort you make to keep the ties you formed strong. It's about our closely-knit friendship. Unless I am stupid enough to believe we're close buddies when in truth we're just friends (aka colleagues, acquaintance, and not confidantes) I think I deserve an apology. What do you think?

But I doubt he'll give. Knowing him, he's like any other guy: less sensible, sensitive, caring. Just moving along with the ebb of time, and moving on. No sorry. No sentimental moments. No sympathy, or empathy. Nothing. Maybe just a treat (which I should be grateful for though passe) and that's it. It's a guy thing. Sadly, something I don't get. That's it, case close, a new chapter opens. =)

Phuking hell. Sometimes I feel like a friend for rent. Maybe it's just my more effiminate psyche or the little more astrogen in my body (which I believe is one of the main reason why I'm like this) that's making me so melodramatic and all. Maybe I should straighten things up a lil. Ya. Maybe I should. If not I'll drop (dead but still looking gorgeous). If I continue to lean on still, I'll soon fall out of place (not that I already am not). Gosh! Phuking hell. Help!

Love ya'll

Friday, 29 February 2008

Like a Cow whose pussy got stuck

I'm frustrated. I'm fucking frustrated. Like whatever I do and be in is not right. That's fucking frustrating you know? Fucking frustrating.

Simply said I'm like a cow whose pussy got stuck. Use the phrase if you wanna. It's gonna make its way into the English dictionary anyway. Soon lah. Wait till I talk to the relevant people hor.

I stayed in camp yesterday. Mum blasted in the morning, again. Wanted to get away from it all. And I spent the night with friends at SMTI. Bunch of cool people. A good getaway. Well since I got no where else to run to, staying in camp was the best option. Besides, I know its safe. Food's there. Shower. My own bunk. What more can I ask for? All the basic necessities are there. That's why I love camp. People don't understand lah duh. They call me crazy. But camp is like a weekend home. My own dwelling place. My own place. My space. This of course is not the frustrating part.

If you still haven't realised, I don't quite like to blog about negativities that have happened to me. I choose to forget them. One way is not blog about them. That way I won't need to recall the incident, right? I will if it keeps harping.

Haiks...I'm frustrated about my english. Can't I write nicely? I mean I'm aware of my grammar and thank God I don't make mistakes as often. But I'm frustrated that I cannot express them better. It's like I try and try and try and try and the fucking expressions just don't fucking change.

Why this bothers me? Cause I aspire to be a writer, too. You tell me, who'd read my book if I were to write like this?

Ya, ya. Maybe I'm being too hasty. I mean I never tried. How can I know right? Who knows I could be better than Catherine Lim or Stella Kon or Haresh? Kakakakakaka! Yeah right, right? Fuck man. Cow whose pussy got stuck.

Okay, what does it mean to have a good command of the language? My idea is to be good at coming up with wonderful expressions effortlessly, not forgetting the grammar and semantics lah duh. Is this a valid idea?

Why am I even asking you? It's not like you're somekind of theorist or linguist or something. Whatever. My ideas are valid. They are true. And they will stay. Unless someone can make me budge. =)

Okay, problem. I suddenly got a bit, a bit only not very much, concern of the words "true" and "valid". It's like I think they're problematic terms. Alright, here comes me philosophising the words again...

Okay. Here's the problem: "true" and "valid". It's like something can be "true" but it may not be "valid", likewise vice versa. The Einstein laws are true and valid. But to me the increase in GST last year are true but not valid. Euthanasia is immoral is not true but valid. Okay, another sexy and much debated word: moral. For this case, I'll leave out the argument for what is "moral". Not gonna talk about it. It's too chimp-panzee.

But whatever lah! Moving on...

Man. Why am I not smarter? Why can't I be better though I try, relentlessly. I'm fucking frustrated I'm not smart. This is my problem. This is the issue. This is it. To look better. More popular. Dress better. Think better. Be better than everyone else. I feel so stupid. God I feel so stupid. Gosh, I am stupid.

And dumb. Assholic. Idiotic. Pathetic. Ghoulish. And...

Love ya'll

Sunday, 24 February 2008

Re(de)fining me

I'm almost 20 this year. And there are things I was proud I did and some I wasn't. But I cannot change much anyway. I can make what is to come better, that's what I can do. I think that is what I'll do.

But what? What is it that I wanna better? My psyche? Personality? Image? What? There are so many...

Maybe I'll start with the way I write. I realise I'm not a good writer. I'm not good with words but I try to be. In the end, it becomes messy and incomprehensible. I wanna write like Sarah, Su, Iris Murdoch, Margaret Atwood because I find it nice. The way they write is very good. The words they choose and the way they write their sentences. It's complex yet simple. It can be understood. I tried to write like them. But when I do, it becomes retarded. My sentences are horrible. And it's obvious that I have poor command of the language. And it's fucking embarrassing! Kakaka...

And acting. I wanna learn how to act properly. To be a good actor. To act and react as the character and not as me. This is very hard. It's harder than I thought. Have you tried?

And my outlook on things in general. I realise I need to be more accepting and more critical in my thinking. It's too naive still. I'm 20 (soon) for heaven sake. At least have a better mindset. How am I going to survive in university if my mindset is still so childish?

And this of course has got something to do the way I write. I need to write better, dammit! Maybe I should read more...then practise writing and penning my thoughts.

Or should I approach subject matters that are more related to me and my age? I don't want to sound too old, nor too amateur. Yet I want to point out my views. Oh I know! I can still talk about the things I want but now I just have to be more careful of how I would write them. Ya. That way I won't sound too old nor too unknowing. I think this is a workable solution. Am I doing it now? Kakaka...I think I am. And it feels better too. Kakaka...

And of course when you're more comfortable with the way you write your views will come across, right people? It's "cleaner", less contrived and more apt. I guess I was having problem with the brevity. Hopefully, it's not anymore. Tell me if I am. I wanna clock my progress.

With regards to my image...I'm now in the mood of not dressing up. Yes people. I'm not dressing up whenever I go out. I wanna look thrashy to fashion aficionados but not to the ordinary people who know nuts about fashion and style but still dare to make a statement. Hats off to them. Well, I guess cause I like to tease. Yeah...I'm a teaser. Like many people in Singapore. By looking at the way they dress, you'd never thought they'd be living in a big house and driving around in luxurious cars and having high IQ. I like this game of teasing. So I decide to play too. You should, it's fun. Kakaka...

One reason is because I'm running out of clothes to wear. I've practically done all the possible permutations of tops and pants and accesories and tried them all. So that means I have to stock up my wardrobe but I'm low on "moolah" (to use Tannie's word). That's why I've to tone down on the dressing up bit. Haiks...So now I'm dressing to be comfortable and look decent. Presentable lah to safely put it. Sorry. I'm guilty if charged.

That's all I have to think now.

Love ya'll