Tuesday, 28 August 2007

Truth. Justice. Life.

I attended a trial at the Court Martial recently. Some stupid idiot decided to test his luck with the law lah basically. Little did he expect a simple matter to escalate to such extent. On that note, little did anyone.

Well the atmosphere in the court was rather tensed as the two lawyers got ready to present their case. Eventhough it didn't involve me, I felt the tension. It was simply piercing.

And the trial thus begun. Silence sank in as everyone in the room awaits what the lawyers have to bring forth in his case. The prosecutor began first. He opened the trial by introducing himself before the court and "his learned friend". The defence lawyer replied in turn. The first witness was called for. He had to take an oath; whereby he swears to "tell the truth and nothing but the truth."

The defence lawyer is a sophisticated and firm man. Under the plain and simple attire lies a man capable of slicing someone's conscience. I'm glad I wasn't the one being questioned.

When he opened his mouth, his first few sentences were elegantly phrased. They were made up of simple words yet when stringed together, they become sophisticated sentences. Within minutes the witness was shred to pieces. I couldn't help but be awed.

Of course I wouldn't say anything less about the prosecutor. He too is a strong man.

It was the defence lawyer's turn to cross examine. He thoroughly questioned the witnesses to the point where they become like puppets - answering without putting much thought into it. Thankfully it was over and now the prosecutor is given the chance to retrieve the loss in confidence in the witness. The caprice was magnific!

And that was how entire trial went: an intellectual banter of words by two hard-headed men who are strongly determined to win their case.

Yet in the midst of this heated exchange of words, they were able to maintain their decorum possible only when I'm in the mood to be fucked - patient and dogged (very persistent, don't digress your attention people). Like who doesn't behave when they are promised to be given what they wanted?

Anyway, what is more interesting is the two men's pursuit of the "truth".

It was almost like an edifice. The whole trial. The concept of "truth" became clearer. The facts and evidence were presented to help form a logical picture of how the sequence of event had happened and how the discrepancies were cleverly covered. I find it amazing that some remotely related fact can be surfaced during the lawyer's "spoofing session", I'd like to call it.

It doesn't matter how you get he "truth", it's more important to show and tell the "truth" and make it eminent.

The stark similarity I drew from my observation is how intrinsic "truth" and "justice" is. For simplicity sake, I'll not try to give my believed definition of "truth" and "justice" for it's hard to give a definition of the two. According to Philosophy, there is actually no fix definition of any word. Even the definitions in dictionaries varies but the crux of the matter remains. It's the idea that matters. The truth of what the word means so as to do justice to the word. If one of the two conditions is not fulfilled, then the word would have no meaning. Hence, let's keep it simple.

Yet the fundamental of "truth" and "justice" lies in their meaning. These words which are used to find meaning for other things need to have a "meaning" themselves or they would have no purpose. Their use would then be pointless. Their purpose, supported by their meaning, can then bring something to them; something here is used to personify an arbitrary object.

The ardent need to find "truth" is crucial for it satisfies yet another entity called "justice". We need "truth" so that "justice" will be held. The search for "justice" cannot be undermined for it determines our sense of belonging. If we do not push for the search of "justice", we would not find the "truth" of our existence which inevitably is closely tied to our own sense of belonging. The latter is an addition of the former. Hence, establishing a firm grounding of the former would lead to the latter.

All of us question The Divine for our purpose in Life. We longed for the purpose of our existence so as to satisfy our query of the meaning of our existence. This emptiness in our soul is fed by Religion. Upon close examination, the crux of any religion is for us to comprehend our existence through the believe of a Divine being, capable of conjuring the impossible. Yet as Man of science, the rational explanation is that it's the psychological state of a person's mind. What we believe to have come about will materialise - after the mental block is removed. It's nothing mythical or mystical.

I am not an aethist, let me make my stand clear. But it's the pursuit of "truth" and "justice" (to logic) that has speared me to form the above mentioned rationale. Like you, I long to find the reason - meaning and purpose - of my Life. Otherwise, I felt empty. Even seeking solace in religion wasn't fulfilling. They was something else I had to do. And I finally figure out one day what that emptiness was.

And what is interesting is that I consciously take note of my surrounding. There were signs present for me to pick up and string together so as to get the answer I'm seeking. Life is a journey of intricate paths, and this journey is also a metaphor for the troubles we have to face in order to get to the "truth" and "justice" of any matter.

Take for example Newton's discovery of gravity. He took months of research to find out what is this thing that has caused the apple to drop to the ground. He wants to find out the truth of the matter so that he could do justice to his inquisitive mind and curiousity. It would then satisfy his sense of belonging: he finally understood what he was meant to do. It gave him contentment and pride.

The same could be for us. It doesn't have to be something great, and by that I'm referring to a common understanding - something that is famous. It could be something minute to others but great to yourself. It has to satisfy yourself first before others can feel the appreciation. And the formula is to find out the "truth" and do "justice" to the enquiry.

The formula wouldn't work if you're conscious of what the "truth" is and how you can find "justice" together with it. It cannot be forced. Simply ride the wave of uncertainty and curiosity with careful steering of your imagination.

It's just something I'd like to share since it has worked for me. Maybe it could work for you.

Love y'all

Sunday, 26 August 2007


You can shoot me any profanities that you can think of. I won't be greatly affected. I'll get mad, maybe, and shoot back a few or maybe none but that's because of your tone. It's harsh and unwelcoming. It's merely a reply. A natural aspect of any form of conversation.

Being who I am, it's a heresy. Heinous even to some. But someone's gottabe me. Too bad I'm the unfortunate one.

Yes I do lament over who I am. I do get angry at Him sometimes 'cause he made me who I am - a joke for others to ridicule. I do wish that at times I'm disparaged but that will skydived my self-esteem.

Hence, it's better to not conceive who I am and let others talk. Since people like to talk and spreading not pleasant news are often the topic of our conversation...now lemme see, I thought Islam disallow that too? It's one of the heaviest punishment to be given for those who've convicted such crime. Oh the horror. I let others talk and dummify myself.

Syaza called me last night, after 7 months I think, to tell me that she chanced upon my blog from someone at school (MJ) whom I seldom talk to. That could mean one ting: many have known about me. I only hope I won't be looked down upon. I cannot push anymore out. I could just cave in.

I can concede, but tolerance have a limit as opposed to acceptance. I accept me (do I have a choice?) but not tolerate those who jester me. And as for any insults you can fling at me, there's one word which I realised will really get to me.

You don't have to think far. It's not a bad word. Really. It's not even a profanity. Serious. It's a decent word. An innocent word if y0u'd like to personify it. You can see the object, to use a general term, everyday. You might be one yourself.

I act like "it". So I guess must have mistaken that I would like to be "it". But I'm not. I never wannabe it. It will never cross my mind to be "it". Yet they are the people whom I am very close to. My two close friends are themselves.

I've given you all the clues. Go figure. Hee!

Love y'all

Saturday, 25 August 2007

Excuse me

Why do we say "excuse me" and "bless you" when we see someone sneezes? The person just pollute the air you're breathing.

And why "excuse (yourself)" when you've sneezed? Trying to be polite lah I suppose. Tell you what...forget it ok!

Singaporeans are not polite, so don't bother. We rush to get on that bus so that we can grab that empty seat. We don't give up our seats for those in need (not all of us of course, most). We are kanchiong. Rushing.

Excuse me.

Stop trying to be polite. Be polite. Sincerely polite. No show. No acting. Singaporeans can act, very well - when it comes to personal interest. Maybe it's human nature. Maybe it's just typically Singaporean. So be proud people.

Excuse me.

Take for eg the whitening advert that feature Shah Rukh Khan. Polite to say,"Bastard sia the advertisers." (I'm saying the gist of the article) I don't know whether its the papers or the papers quoting from somewhere. "Excuse me but why the hell do you have to have such negative thoughts?"

Excuse me.

What about the papparazi? Not giving celebrities their privacy and spouting nonsense to spark controversies. That's polite?

Excuse me.

The ammendments to GST and CPF are for the betterment of all (?).

Excuse me.

Is it ok to tell others of your sexual fantasy? The one about this hot guy who wears a sleeveless top and a pair of short shorts at the beach. And when he takes off his shirt, his hard rock abs and arms reveal themselves...sending every kind of hormones in you to race frantically.

Excuse me.

Dear Z,
I'm sorry if I had offended you in any way. I still don't know why you went silent suddenly - it's both frustrating and terrifying. Please talk to me. I don't like losing my friends.


Excuse me.

Yesterday went to watch a video at camp - some traffic police thing. Of all the ten (I think) vids he showed on accidents in Singapore, no one bothers to come out and offer assistance to the flung out victims. They simply watch and look out for plate number; other's loss is our gain.

Excuse me.

Irritated? Point made.

Love y'all

Friday, 17 August 2007

Bite me

Astri kill me on Friday (today), if you're coming. I'm seeing Izzy. Like seeing seeing Izzy. I'm a mess. A straight acting possibly even latent gay bastard who is stuck in a rut 'cause of his relentless failed relationship with men, or boys, and fervent desire to be loved and touched by such venomous poison of physical intimacy and sensuality to find solace in the midst of expounding solidarity.

Just then a grilfriend messaged...telling me she dislike her boyfriend. They often quarelled. So I try to philosophized the matter for her. Hahak. I don't think I was good lah.

'Cause you see, the way they behave is like as if they've tied the knot. One is busy with work. The other is annoyed 'cause she's seconded. He fights for her early discharge.

The way the two show concern for each other is through hostility and animosity more than love and harmony - typical of a married couple. It's like the two know that they have each other so they take advantage of the other, expecting the other to undestand. BUT it's a fairy. And fairy tales don't always have a happy ending...

She said that she doesn't wanna leave him 'cause of a promise she made.

Here's the thing. When she niat, she has bookmarked something crucial to her mind. Let's not talk about religion here. Let's talk logic - the basis of understanding.

She niat, it gets noted to her mind, she keeps reminding herself, so it stays and moves to the long term memory slot in her mind.

Crying is a way to let it all out. A stress "reliever" so to speak. Metaphorically, the tears she shed represent the pangs of emotions she's bottled up.

However, sadly her reluctance to erase that bookmark has deeprooted her desire to want something she cannot have.

Her wishful thinking becomes an obsession. She becomes compulsive. She gets paranoid. She feels scared.

Thus she goes back to her comfort zone to find solace - the niat she first make. The matter becomes relentless and she becomes restless; 'cause she cannot find peace. There's no definite place for her to go to. Her "home" is gone.

Here's where you go...ceh...ceh...ceh debar...! Hahak...

But seriously, don't you think so?

Now it's about me. I'm reading this book ah. Quite philosophical. It made me think and reflect what I've been going through.

It came to me that who I'm looking for has always been there. It's just that I refuse to see. He had been there. And doesn't seem to budge. Not moved by anyone else.

His mind is fixed on someone. He was willing to wait. He apologized eventhough it wasn't his fault. He's always there for me. Willing to wait for any period of time so long as there's chance.

He cares. I failed. And I'd like another chance. Would you think he'll give it to me?


Love y'all

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

Thank you

Why do people say "thank you"? Especially Singaporeans. Seriously, I don't know. It's like pointless what. I mean Singaporeans got very the considerate and polite meh? We are kanchiong - always rushing for everything that we wanna do.

We push and shove others while boarding the bus so that we can grab that empty seat. We rush to the market in the morning so that we can get that fresh fish. Yes it's basic Singaporean survival kill. But if we are like the Australians, Canadians or French all of us would not be wasting our money on health products.

We buy this product lah, that product lah just so that we can look youthful, radiant and healthy when we ourselves are robbing our own youth. That's why the French thrive on Asians: L'Oreal is very popular for this kinda thing. Look at what it does to Gong Li's skin. And Garnier to Zhang Ziyi's.

Realise the ambassadors are from the country whose lifestyle is rather fast paced? Tsk tsk tsk.

It's because it's polite. It's because it's right. It's because it's instinctive.

Yep, instinctive. Like breathing. You don't control your inhale and exhale. Ok fine so you do. But not consciously. All happen through the subconscious control of our muscles.

But saying thank you isn't good enough. You have to mean it for it to have weight. For it to have purpose. For it to be polite, right and nice. The intention plays a part. No intention then it'll be as good as merely words.

Words have no meaning. Man - humans - give words their meanings. Words thus have their purpose.

For eg: "Iran" - I ran away from the world cause it's not allowing me to test my nuclear power like Invisible girl from Fantastic. How come Americans accept her but not me?

"Holocaust": That chamber is not hollow cause it's filled with red ironed water.

"Woman/women": I was thinking that since we refer to humans in general as Man, then maybe women are men with womb. That way it makes sense why even women are referred to as Man.

I saw this poster: "Envy - blowing out the other person's candle will not make yours shine any brighter." Not quite true when there're only two candles. With the other one extinguished, albeit being the only one left your candle will inevitably seems brighter. But you'll be left alone. So don't knock down your competitors, you'll win miserably.

Thank you for your time!

Love y'all

Sunday, 12 August 2007

Vacation's out. Period's back.

It sucks to have "period." By period I don't mean I have mensus. By period I mean I'm facing the behavioural pattern of women having PMS (pre-, present-, post-MS).

Like I don't get it lah. I'm more health conscious now, fuck. I drink milk, take yogurt, exercise regularly (thrice a week run), short yoga sessions alone, I buy facial product that will supposedly help the condition of my troubled skin yet I'm feeling sickly - as if I have Aids/leukemia/TB/cancer/some mental problem.

My feet has rashes (how the fuck I got them I don't know; ask fuck). I'm having more breakouts - if I show you a pict, you'll freaked out so better don't I need readers - I have low self-esteem, by back aches like errgh..., I have muscles aches.

Maybe I have aedes, since I get come back from Malaysia for a short holiday. The mosquitoes there must have had a nice spread of buffet being served to them (I am big size so bigger area to feed on) without me knowing. I do have a few moquito bites. How would I know I have Aedes. Oh ya, and sore throat. So you think I have Dengue?
I decide to not blog about my vacation cause it's too long. And I cant recall important details. That's me lah. I don't like to remember these kinda things. Hahak. Sorry peeps.
The only thing I wanna say is that WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO KL AND LEMME SHOP TILL I DROP DEAD FROM EXHAUSTION. PJ is for the govt peeps. So the clothes were plain and expensive. I can so buy them from here lah.
But I'm kinda betta now, as in psychologically. I have someone...Hahak. So I'm in the zen zone. So far I'm not affected by any sai kangs. Period's back but I manage to keep it at bay. Hopefully it'll stay there for some time...
Love y'all

Tuesday, 7 August 2007


With the lost of his political party, LDP, in a recent election (37 out of 221 seats) Japan's PM Shinzo Abe is said to step down form his position. Ha has to quit. Note the word "has."

"Has" here implies he is obliged. He must, you can say. I don't quite care about his status. I'm more bothered by the word "has". Like...wtf sak? Japan is a democratic country. Think of another democratic country (hint: it starts with the dollar as the first letter).

But he aint gonna. I read in the papers two days ago. He said that he is staying and he will materialize his dream of making "beautiful Japan." With all due respect sir...things isn't looking that beautiful in Japan. (Damn he is one stubborn man.)

Your fellow colleagues are mad at you for going against tradition. Your people wants you out. And you have stepped on toes. Abis (informal malay spelling for finish).

If there's one thing I learn from my nineteen years of living is that we should not step on others' toes. The pain will take forever to subside. But then again, I'm sure you know better.

Mr Abe has become like a celebrity. His downfall is apparently one of the major events in the history of Japanese's politics. Everyone in the press loves him. His stories are reported almost everyday in The Straits Times. I'm getting tired of it though...still, people need to make money.

Now let's look at other "Abe-s" in the region.

Abe 1: Malaysia's PM (sorry I just cannot recall his name)
His Abe: Claiming that Malaysia is an Islamic, not a secular state. Many non-muslims in the country are in rage by his comments. Sir, I don't think it's a bright move. I don't think we'll be seeing "beautiful (Malaysia)" anytime soon.

Abe 2: Thaksin Shinawat (Thailand's ex-PM) (vice versa also can lah)
His Abe: A once popular man in the politics, now condemned by people and colleagues for corruption. Remains in the politics still but under a different party. A neutral one.

Somehow hearing about these horror stories of corruption make me feel fortunate to be in Singapore. At least the number of corruption cases here is quite low. And, in the words of MM Lee: The Cabinet is as Good as it gets. I feel thankful, yet a little scared.

Despite being a democratic country, it's impossible to have a totally democratic country. "Big Brother is watching you" is one of the most haunting lines.

Mr Abe's failure is like a warning to all of us. Your leader maybe well-liked and popular but does he have integrity? It's hard to measure a man. You may not know what is behind that smile.

Even the most loving couple will have a lil bit of crack in their relationship due to infedility. Think Lynette and Gaby from Desperate Housewife.

Yet his stubborn attitude to stay in politics tells that he is sincere. And to show, not exactly prove, that he will change for the better he sacked some key people in his Cabinet that has caused to his downfall. He will choose his new Cabinet ministers personally. It is also a way of telling others that he is sorry.

Well Mr Abe, I admire your courage and obstinate behaviour. I mean you dare to go against tradition. That is wow! Japanese are afterall well-known as one of the few people who firmly holds onto their customs. I pray that you'll face these adversities with courage and determination.

And regardless of what happen to you, Japan is, and will be, a beautiful country...

Love y'all

Sunday, 5 August 2007

Squeeze. Squeeze. Cum. Cum.

Sex is a funny thing. If it's consensual and legitimate, it feels good. If it's consensual but not legitimate, it feels good yet wrong. If its neither consensual nor legitimate, it feels bad and wrong.

Sex becomes permissible when a couple is married, at least that's what the Islamic law states. Even more so, it's encourage; as procreation expands the population. However, I believe it's not the procreation that Islam strives for. On a more fundamental level, I think it's more symbolic of a union - a union of two entities on a basis of love. Something very the profound...

And if that is the case, then the following argument would be who are the "two entities". Traditionally, it would be a man and a woman - as how it all began: Adam and Eve conceives to procreate. Then something grotesque hit me. If Adam and Eve are the first two humans to be made, does it mean that their children...?

If that is the case then it would mean incest was legitimate, before down came another prophecy that states it was sinful (probably after a few thousands years where siblings become strangers).

I am not preaching or challenging anything or anyone. I am merely putting up a view.

But now, things are getting a bit...well fine...a lot more complicated. A new gender has come to face, which I believe began from a mutation of genes due to wars. The conflicts that fuelled the many wars that had happened has changed a person's mind thus influencing a change in the genes - its structure and stuff.

This is based on modern findings that stress can release/alter certain chemical like hormones which causes acnes/pimples, or even hallucination - you start seeing things cause maybe a chemical was released to your eyes that allows you to view images. I don't know. Freud and Jung didn't explain. They merely say that it's something psychological (what men of science they are!).

Or make you do something crazy and feels right cause you believed it's right. As a science student, I think it's the chemistry of the brain. I highly suspect so. Nothing is mythical. Everything can be proven by science! Yay. Hurray! Go scientific industry! Go government, pumped more money into this sector. It's hungry for more! Go! Go! Go!

Anyway (sorry to digress), in the line of Darwin's theory of evolution, Man was initially a Fish - or whatever the use to call the kind of creatures who live under water. And as years go by, He starts to evolve to learn how to live on land - a totally different environment. This simply means Man knows how to evolve and adapt accordingly. It's an innate characteristic.

The same can be said about Nepalese, Eskimos and !Kung Bushmen.

So with all this examples it all boils down to one thing - nothing was ever carved in stone in the first place. "Change is constant."

If the religious laws can be altered, or rather, further assessed to adjust to the changing context of human society and that even cynics can have that basic ability to change (though slow but still) when time calls for it, I'm positive that one day people like me will nicely be weaved back into the society - free from any stigmas and prejudice. If the whites can do it to the blacks, I see why cannot the yellow, white, tan, caramel, black, brown do the same.

Hey even Jezebels get second chances ok!

My only concern is that the change is taking place quite slowly, as how it has always been. I mean come on, we need to catch up with the era of colour tv, pagers, handphones, computers, laptops, pda, flat screens, Nintendo, PS, PS2, PSP, ipod, Creative, Internet, broadband, wireless, MIO.

(I thought that as time passes and Man's concern with the lack of time, He would want to change faster as well. Guess some things need more time to see changes to the change itself. Haiz...)

We should keep in pace with the evolving technological sector and not lag behind. Singapore is all about forward thinking. Not backwards. About being a leader, though sometimes ineffective, but most of the time is, so the ineffectiveness gets quickly covered (go find your own egs).

About being the first in anything and everything - even if it's something lame (think floating platform, most number of people folding hearts, biggest Ferris wheel, most number of people doing sign language on national day, having one of the greatest porn star).

So back to my initial subject: sex. I guess that one day the "two entities" would not be restricted to a man and a woman. That sex would be permissible and legitimate to whoever wants it, keeping the condition that it's consensual. 'Cause otherwise we'll have rapists going around town unpunished. Now that's wrong and unlawful.

The important element here is "consensual." Having said that I would then say that promiscuity is ok. Just wear your glove guys. Danial Reeds does it and look where it got him: the CEO of Mode! Wtf?! That's one very valuable lesson we all can take from.

Love transcends all boundaries. Love is beautiful. Love is pure. Love is pristine. Love is real. Love is omnipresent. Only if it's trully true - right down to its core (and that's hard to get to by the way).

Love...funny it's the Singapore word but I guess with much animosity brewing, it's no wonder love becomes the favourite word. It's what we all (regardless of race, language, religion, skin colour, place) long lor...

Love ya'll

Thursday, 2 August 2007




Some people choose to share their problems with others. I don't know if I should. On one hand, a shared problem becomes lighter. On the other, it becomes a shared burden.

Sometimes I don't think it's fair to share your problems with your friends. You're dragging them down with your problem. Not exactly very friendly right? You're making them involve in a mess that they are not part of in the first place.

I mean yes they are concern about you. And they want to help you get it out of your system, so that you'll be better, feel better. I appreciate their sincere and kind effort. But I cannot bear to let them go through such ordeals.

No offence guys, I do wanna hear your problems. If you wanna share them with me, and trust me to keep them to myself, then I will. You have my word for it.

Just that I think your problem is big enough to be shared. Unlike mine. They're quite minor. Like feud with parents, at work, with other friends, falling into depression, having thoughts of doing something stupid but then decide not to 'cause after thinking about it, I realise how stupid it was to have such stupid thoughts. Hahak.

Love y'all

I don't know what else to do except to keep dragging my feet through the audacity of the matter. I wanna die. take myself away. Away from all those whom I know. Start afresh somewhere...may I?