Saturday, 19 January 2008

Just another thought

They say that when someone has occupied that special little place in your heart, there isn't much to say. It's homerun!

You don't need to say "I like you" or "I'm fond of you" or "I love you" often. It's understood between the two of you. Just keeping each other company and confiding in one another is adequate enough. Having dinner, sharing a cab and joking with each other are the simple things that brought the two of you closer. No need to buy presents because you feel oblige. Or call and text often just so the other know you're still thinking of the person. No kiddish stuff.

I never knew this could be one way to call someone a boyfriend. All the while I thought I have to bring it to some unknown level, somekind of abstract place, and work from there instead of kicking it off as friends. And doing many things that friends do except that you do them more often with that someone, alone. It's not that hard afterall. It's quite simple and easy-going actually. Never knew I could do it.

Couples usually quarrel because of lack of time spent together, and me being naive to these kinda things thought that's how it's supposed to be. It's like there's a certain code of conduct and mode of behaviour we are oblige to adhere. Who ever said so? Hahak...who ever said so?

I call him when in need of support, when I'm at the edge. And though busy he answers my call and ensures that I'm fine before hanging up. If he doesn't, I do get mad but that's unreasonable right? He can't attend to your needs always. No one has to do that to anyone. But I know what he'll say. And that's comforting enough.

If he's merely a friend, then? Who ever said your boyfriend cannot be like any other friend of yours? He doesn't need to be special always. He'll get bored and the two of you will tire out. Next thing you know, flop! Goodbye. =) No need for double-standard; that's pathetic. And in my opinion that's the reason for the first crack in your relationship.

And physical intimacy, it's more of a want isn't it? You want to caress the other, kiss the lips, and run your hands through his/her hair and look into the eyes and say "I love you." Puh-lease, that's so soap! Hahak...And undeniably "physical intimacy" more often than not means sex. If you're ready for sex, then go ahead. If it's rushed then...uhm...I think it's more of lust than love and that's not a good sign. My friend and I have this theory which we like to testify -

"Which of the two would lead to a more successful relationship? Love then have sex, or sex then love?"

Basically it means you either love the person and that's why you have sex with the person or you have sex with the person and then hope that love will bloom between the two of you. What's your stand? I wanna hear 'em.

As you guys have gathered, I'm in Lalaland and it's damn good to be in it! Hahak. It's so funny to think of it. I can only laugh at how ridiculously childish this feeling makes me feel. Lol...haiks...

Love ya'll

Saturday, 12 January 2008

I'm dithering...

Sometimes when you sit and wonder, you tend to extrapolate some memories that are swimming in your head and be affected by the blissful thoughts of nostalgia.

Haiz...I don't know lah what's happening. I am happy but it's more because of "someone" rather than "something." I wish it's a "something" that trigger the Happiness button and not a "someone". Well, guess you can say that a "someone" is also a "something" but still, when a "someone" makes you happy the emotional bond that keeps you together can bend and harm you somehow. It's when the delectable feeling turn sour with time. It's not wine, that becomes better with time. It's acidic - sour and corrosive.

Having a "someone" to remind you of the good times in your life is not exactly that desirable. If that "someone" is gone, or no longer here, caving in would be easier. You lose your pillar, you lose your balance. Keeping your emotions in check soon become annoying. Being focus is hard. Almost everything that you do is not right and in turn, you become agitated; easily bristled by the slightest tension. You fleet from one emotion to another. It's as if you cannot seem to be grounded. And...this is what I'm preparing myself for.

A "something" can be replaced, but not a "someone". A "something" can be substituted with another thing but to do the same for a "someone"...

I don't think I'm asking for much, just for your time and heart. Why get close to me when you wish nothing more? Why be nice to me when you know I'll overread? Why pay for me when we go out to eat when you know I can afford? Why give me good signals when you don't want me to read them? Why decline when I act on them? Why touch my heart when you don't want me to touch yours? Why can't you accept and lead me in? To me, the fine line is blurring. If not already blurred.

Can I hate you? Can I not be your friend? Can we end this masquerade and fess up the truth? Can you give me an answer that I find viable? Can I? May I? Should I?

You know what I've been harbouring yet you let it, and me, linger. You're treacherous! I hate you!

Stop agonising me! Please! Please...Please...

I wonder if it's because you'll find it weird - a drastic change from your previous relationships with girls - or it's just me - I don't look good as your boyfriend: I'm too tall, too good perhaps, too effiminate, too...whatever. Or is it because it's fundamentally not possible for reasons neither you nor I know. Answers. I want them. I need them.

I've been pondering over this, this whole issue basically, for a very long time. It's just that I keep avoiding and pushing it back time and again, making up stupid reasons to buy time. But I've run out of reasons. And now I'm forced to face them. No more running around, and avoiding the matter.

And I don't know how to...

Sunday, 6 January 2008


Not been updating. Duh you can tell. It's cause been occupied with rehearsals and filling free-time with friends (catching up on what's happened) and also self-reflecting. New year, new start. Or at least, something different. Ideally, something better. Truthfully, same old same old.

Still pegged with remorse. Blame my adamant behaviour. Old habits die hard. I have this hope. But here's the felony: it's not meant to be conjured to begin with.

The Show Must Go On - Queen

Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...

Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore

The show must go on,
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.

Whatever happens, Ill leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?

I guess Im learning, I must be warmer now
Ill soon be turning, round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark Im aching to be free

The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends

The show must go on
The show must go on
Ill face it with a grin
Im never giving in
On - with the show -
Ill top the bill, Ill overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on

Backed with an intention the Hope, sadly, cannot be silenced that easily. It's become relentless. But why complain over something that's done for? It's evident our relationship cannot go any further. Perhaps it's because I've not given up, yet. As Jugde Dredd says it in Aids Anthology: Hope is but gibberish to make people stop giving up.

Tell him this: What a fucker you are!

So I continue acting. It's after all what I've been training for. It's my life now. Even Astri cannot recognise her bestie anymore. What I can only do is to cry and move on. I've disappointed myself and my friends. And maybe even my family, especially my parents. But regradless of what has happened and what is going to happen now...

I have to find the will to carry on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on

And Kent...I love you. I know you don't read my blog and that my readers know about him because only my friends read my blog. So it's rather safe to bin it in the virtual world. He's my friend. And it has been staying as that all this while. He ain't my boyfriend. He's a close friend and a confidante.

He's the perfect guy. But he's meant for someone else. Now you see why I'm heartbroken? Someone else will fill up his place but till then...I'm just going to laugh it all out. Hell yeah It's fake. But to fake a happiness is anyhow better than wallowing in sadness, agree? So laugh it all out Ruzaini. Laugh it all out...

Hahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Love ya'll