Wednesday, 30 December 2009

inside a cockroach mind

move idiot, move! where to? i don't know. just move. i can't. then shut up. think, think! do something, anything. anything? but stupid. shut up! shut up! shut up! now what!? there, go! stupid! shut up! now what? i don't know. what?!


five minutes! hurry! trying! i can't breathe.


hurry! i'm trying!


move! move! move! what? what!? you're hoping. so? you can't hope, be certain!


shit! shit. shit. shit. just do it. now! i can't. what! why? something is not right. i don't fucking care, just do it! wait! not much time to...

tick tock. tick tock. tick tock.

Saturday, 26 December 2009

i started another =)

i've been having the idea of starting another blog, one that's more open. it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago a few colleagues said that they too have two blogs: one for private matter, one for not-so-private matter.

but i didn't want to start it immediately after, i wanted it to have a purpose. but right now, i just find it refreshing having a new skin - since i can't change this one.

so here it is:

i am probably going to make the other one more 'intellectual' (YAH! LIKE REAL!). cause it's more private (you can't find it on google, unlike this one). it's going to be another channel for me.

Thursday, 24 December 2009

i should stop thinking now

it's stopped. it has got to stop. i have to stop considering my 'other' options.

the only available ones are here. since i worry too much; or write too long, what's available for me is quite simple; not complicated or confusing.

i know where i want to work. i know what course would be relevant. and the options are (were) already available for me. so i have got to stop worrying and.

it's either of the three public universities. that's it. this conversation, and consideration, is over ruzaini. it's over. so stop!

you were here

you are dead. you are gone. you left me here, all alone. to be by myself. to be with me. i didn't know what to do and what to think. i didn't know what happened. you didn't tell me and you didn't say anything. what was i to do? what was i to think? who was i to be?

you were all i had. you were my strength, my power, my life. you were everything to me. you meant everything to me. you were here with me and i love you and let out a prayer to not let you be away. to let let us part from each other. to be with one another. i love you. and that's all that matters.

you were whom i thought about when i was down. you were whom i have faith in. you were whom i know who i am. you were whom i care. you were part of me. you were me.

what am i to do now? what am i suppose to think now? who should i believe? who should i think about?

i am lost without you. i am broken without you. i despise the thought of losing you. i felt i am gone. i felt i am lost. i am without direction and thought. my faith has dissolved. i'm solvent to the enormity of circumstance that has befallen my gratuitous self.

why did you do this to me? why did you bring me into your life and then drop me off? like i'm thrash. why did you get to know me and love me only to sword through my heart. why did you want to hurt me?

i hate you! i hate you for being part of my life. i hate you for making me part of you. i hate you for creating 'us'.

go! just go away amd don't come back. don't haunt me with our memories. don't haunt me in my sleep. don't think about me anymore. just go. go!

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

still deciding, and it's because i'm afraid

i've done my thorough research. yet, i'm still unconvinced. why?

llb(hons) is definitely not an easy subject. it's complex and rigorous and intensive. and i want to do it. but i'm very afraid at the prospect of studying the subject. and imagine me, being a lawyer! i'm peeing in my pants just thinking about it! (who in their right mind wouldn't?)


*saw a cute guy and had this monologue: excuse me sir, can i see you behind? i need to fuck you right now. (smiles)*


(the following is written hours later. it's now 12am)

"I've read it is as difficult as Oxbridge but it has a great rep so will be worth the slog"

i chanced on this while doing my research. it's from:

it excites me more, and i'm more psyched to do the llb. but a couple of things came to mind:

1. this was a subjective view, meaning oxbrigde (as well as the uk universities law programme) standard maybe higher.

2. this is comforting, as it shows how difficult the course is (or can be) and that i might not lose out to my competition from oxbridge. (see the nullification?)

3. it's more about me and how i want to succeed. i've gone through 'O' and 'A' level and from my results i can gauge just about where i am at. so it means i have nothing to fret. now that i have more time, and i'm in control of it, i should be wise enough to decide on to do and how to do it better. i don't have a "rigid" school curriculum and activities to take up my time; i have as much time as i want to dedicate to my learning.

*4. of course i do not have the privilege of training for presentation, learning a new language(s), communication skills, research, internship, formal meetings with the bigs boys and girls, relevant and important contacts (before graduating), workforce exposure(?) and day-to-day schooling (which was responsible for my discipline back in school). this might put me at a (huge) disadvantage. so i  have to carefully consider. (ruzaini, refer to point 3)

5. and i cannot grow complacent and believe those not in the course are inferior than i am. we differ only in the knowledge we decide to pursue. etiqutte, attitude, aptitude and the way we work (i.e. how) don't differ that much and it is these qualities that determine my own success. our success. so i shouldn't look down on people. instead, i appeal to them to be on the same page and standard as i am, or slightly lower.

6. regarding finding a job, the skills i grilled myself to acquire would do me fine! i may not have the specific or technical knowledge but having a law degree will put me on a relatively safe ground. i need to prove to myself, and them, that i can work and i deserve the best. it'll earn me respect and confidence. and in the long run, i wouldn't ask for more.

7. since i am mentally prepared, i shouldn't have doubts. it will only falter my determination. i need to stop looking at the: "what if i had done this..." or "what if i did this..." or "should i take this up instead..." it will only bring me no where. (i'm kinda proud to say that i am gradually teaching myself how to think like a lawyer: "i think, therefore i am".)

it's an investment. and i have to play rough if i want good returns. yes?

Monday, 21 December 2009

this was what i felt yesterday

this song was going on:"and have a little christmas..."

and this was on my mind:"i'm so pissed, annoyed, frustrated, bothered!"

it was a very bad day. partly due to my lack of sleep the night before, and for the most part i was annoyed by the amount of debts i put myself in. i spent the night thinking about what i could do and how i am able to help myself. apparently, that didn't work and i went to work groggy. my face was so black. i felt like shit. and i was exhausted for most part of the time. it was a horrible day and i was in an even more horrible state. i was so easily ticked that i'm quite sure i would've given some customers a good shelling. and we know what's gonna happen next...

but i have come up with a solution; a practical one. and in the process i taught myself financial management. it's about manipulating the numbers and having faith in my sanity (weird expression but it's apt). correct. and because of that i could get a good night sleep. and this morning i sprayed YSL l'homme eau de toilette and walked out of the house feeling positive.

but i think i might have anger management problem. or the way i managed my anger is a problem. either way, my mind is on to it. and it will let me know when it's done.

Friday, 11 December 2009

i'm angry

i am so angry!

i've got so much anger inside me that i can just snap. it sucks to hacve this feeling but what to do?

i'm mad at my dad. i'm angry at myself. i'm annoyed at stupid customers. i'm irritated by slow walking people. i'm frustrated at my phone. i'm pissed at my state.

pissed! pissed! pissed!

really. i'm not joking. i am so very angry i'm practically boiling on the inside. and i'm too angry to say anymore.


Friday, 4 December 2009

the dream i had last night

i had strange dream last night.

i was in this mosque. and the azan is being heard. the mosque was dimly lit, and the walls were moldy green. and there was a bar in the mosque, near to where the imam is to pray. and the bar was selling alcoholic drinks while the azan is being heard. and there were muslims buying those drinks and gulping down shots after shots of vodka. i was there. instead of going to the imam, i went to the bar and sat there, watching the drinks being poured and people drinking. i didn't have a drink myself but neither did i stop them from buying and drinking. when i looked to my left, there were people praying, or they looked like they were trying to pray but they kept being distracted. this huge moldy green mosque has got so little people, most, if not all, of whom suddenly turned to look like zombies. they look grotesque and disturbing. they wanted to pray but break away and laugh. some even rolled around. the mosque started to get dimmer, and the "beings" seemed to have grown in number. i didn't know what was happening or what to do but i know, for sure, that it was odd, and wrong. yet, i did nothing but stood watching as the place becomes moldier - as if running down very quickly - and dimmer, and trapping me. i didn't go over to the imam or anywhere near him. i stood, transfixed, at where the "beings" are. they were scary looking but they didn't scare me, or rather i wasn't afraid of them. i was more afraid of my reluctance to perform my prayers.

and then my dad woke me up for the dawn prayers. i was still feeling very afraid of the nightmare.

Monday, 30 November 2009

in the woods

ssh. hush. can you hear it?

there it is again. listen.

quiet now.

do you hear it?

there it is. there it is again.

it sounds

they're crying. can you hear tears? they're crying. one, two, three, four, five,...


i hear something else.


Saturday, 28 November 2009

who i am, truly

i appear as


but really, i am


i'm reading character analysis by wilhelm reich. (reich is a psychiatrist, and the book is a compilation of his theories and studies.) after reading several of the case studies presented, i come to realise who i truly am.

apparently, sometimes, character traits are known as character resistance that acts as an armour to protect one's self. to recognise the difference (if it's a genuine character trait or a symptom) requires knowledge and experience (and a certificate, which i do not have).

it hasn't been very nice for me (either). and like one of his patients, it seems that i've been influenced into becoming who i am today. i've made myself a guard and i've been putting it on since. it's an unconscious effort. i only see the final product. but it's all a result of my infantile experience. my childhood and growing up facing the adversities has "toughened" me up by taking away and hiding the vulnerability and creating in its place something more hostile and to cover that up it creates a character resistance that opposes it. 

"the passive feminine characetr is an example of a third type of armouring. on the surface, he appears to have an acquiescent and mild disposition, but in analysis we get to know it as an armouring that is difficult to dissolve." (wilhelm reich) 

it's complex and deeply multi-layered in the unconscious mind. in short, i'm lost within myself and that's what been making it hard for me to stand firm my ground.

all these may not be necessary, or relevant. but i've been feeling empty and hollow. and i just want to fill it up without forking out any money. of course, i do have to be extremely careful or i might end up killing myself, literally.

wish me luck!

Monday, 23 November 2009

from stoker to meyer

why are vampires so sexy? that instead of running away from them, i so want them to suck me (my blood, i mean)!

from stoker to meyer, they just get sexier!

it's one of the greatest porn ever made. think about it.

so screw righteousness and prejudice against gayism, vampirsm is indicative of such moral hypocrisy existing in our society. this vein runs through us all.

it is the act of bringing out this fantasy is what causing our desire to relentlessly repress our need to be accepting of what we are - sexual beings. conversation on sex are left for the intimacy of a smaller group of people. it is not an appropriate conversation topic when we're among many people. this irony is cultured through time and before long it becomes an unspoken rule; silenced.

i think sex talk make us feel naked, and undesirable; who wants to appear naked in public?

but whatever it is, if i see a vampire as hot as brad pitt (was), i'll surrender myself.

you see, i see the image as form of approval for us to indulge in sin and not feel guilty. we simply think about it, let it out and we watch it. as if we're a medium for all this sex, and we don't actively participate in the process.

well, we did. but watching it is passive. it's less wrong, but twice as fun. just like porn.

our health is based on our sexual gratification (freud). so as long as we feel sexually satisfied, active or passive, we're happy (studies have shown that it's the same ecstacy).

and i'm so gay about it!

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

when reading a book

when i am reading a book, a fiction book, i am now more aware of the writer's style and treatment of how s/he wishes to write. i guess i got it from dr s (the sensitivity part); she's a great teacher and i love to be taught by her.

the way the writer writes is heavily influenced by his/her culture. i notice this after reading books by eastern writers (the translation): murakami and toto chan write differently from jhumpa lahiri, likewise for orhan pamuk and catherine lim. but novelists from the same culture has got similar style. the general feel is similar, but, of course, personal style differs.

then i began to wonder about western writers. they differ too! murdoch writes different from atwood and auster.

this realisation made me excited to read more books by different writers from different cultures. it's showed me how powerful natural langauge is, and how much one's mother tongue influences one's thinking and aquisition of second and subsequent language - but this is for another time.

(perhaps, it's because of this my english "sounds" clumsy and i keep bashing myself about it.)

of course they're people gifted with the ability to acquire language quickly and communicate well in the respective language "rules". meaning when they speak english, it's neutral and not accented by their mother tongue. when they write in english, it "sounds" english.

this was what i realised when reading the translation of the writer's work. the japanese essence of murakami's works is retained in the translation, and the same goes for pamuk's. so although it has been translated to english, the essence of the original language the literature was written in is kept and that is important in understanding the writer's background and subsequently the culture s/he grew up in. it tells of the bigger story and the history of the anthology. isn't that just fascinating?!

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

what i'm good at

if everyone has something they're good at, then i think i know mine: i'm good at creating drama.

but is this ok?

Thursday, 12 November 2009

my story

this is my story.

once upon a time there was a boy. to him, he is ordinary. however, little did he know that being different - both on the inside and outside - would make a difference to how he is going to be as he is growing up.

like any other boy, he was sent to school. on the first day, he realised that not everyone likes him. but he didn't think much of it and continue making friends. and he did make friends. they were not many, and he wished he has, but they were enough.

then one day, he was...touched. by his own cousin. his cousin is a growing male teenager with raging hormones and heaps of curiosity to try out and know more about new things. now, this little boy is "soft" and young. he didn't know what was happening but what he did know was that it was enjoyable. he wasn't sure if he was enjoying it but it was enjoyable. the touching didn't happen just once. they happened severally.

a few years later, the boy started to realise another thing: he is attracted to boys. then he thought back of all the incidents that happened after the touching and this new realisation. his fantasies were that he was the girl being touched by the boy. it made him think.

the thought lingered on for a few more years later. he started to drop hints and showed certain signs, all while trying to be as discreet as possible. meanwhile, he was trying to grasp the matter himself. and fearing for his safety, he didn't tell anyone, not even his family.

when the boy was sixteen, the "new thing" became apparent to him. (much later he got to know that) people around him began to confirm their suspicion behind his back. at this age, too, he started to explore himself and understand what was going on.

he went on several dates. none of them went very well and because of that he decided to give dating a break.

at the age of eighteen, he came out to some of his friends. he told only those he could trust and (especially) those who would remain neutral about it. it wasn't an easy thing to do. but he was glad he did.

eversince then, he has been curious of what it was like to be different. articles, news, stories related to him caught his interest and he started reading extensively on the subject matter. he searched for people whom he can talk to and help him understand better. the more he got to know about it, the more at peace he becomes. and he stopped giving reasons and excuses to himself. he started embracing them.

he didn't know that by meeting people and letting himself into "the circle" would make any difference. initially, he lust over the men he talked to. now, he could talk to them casually. it gave him a very good feeling.

taking in what is different is never easy. but that's the hardest part.

(if only his family has the same thinking. he would've let them in a lot sooner.)

ps: this is my first time telling the story public

Monday, 9 November 2009

it is called "not taking it to heart"

i have been thinking.

i was thinking about who i am and how i am to other people. i don't know how they see me and i'm quite curious to know.

this is why: i am the guy that no one invites to birthday parties, gatherings, or just for company. it truly and deeply saddens and devastates me that i'm left out from all those. it made me wonder who am i to them?

am i a friend or just some person they know? have i done enough or nothing at all? or do they think i'm too busy with other people or the things i do? i don't know, honestly. and i would like to, if i could.

i guess it's because i've chosen not to actively go out and force such things (friendships / relationships). this is who i am. i don't want to change it. i don't want to be someone else anymore. it's taken me very long to understand myself and who i can be. i am comfortable.

after saying this, i feel...nothing. because i've gone through this before and i've learnt to comfort myself by saying that hey! i got me! *smiles (and i genuinely smile)

so, if it doesn't bother me then why am i making it (sound) as such? because i wanted to let it out and make it incumbent to feel guilty (because this is what it's all about).

it makes me feel guilty that i'm not spending more time with other people. it makes me feel guilty they don't feel like they matter to me. it makes me feel guilty i don't make them feel i matter to them. it makes me feel guilty that i put myself down by intrepidly telling my inferior self i am not good enough a friend. it makes me feel guilty i am worth-less than their other friends. it makes me feel guilty how i undercut myself. so it has got to stop. i am stopping this right now.

not everything is about friends. not everything is about the outside and the extension of myself. i am an actor (and i can now call myself an actor). i have a job, and that is to unattached my emotions.

i am feeling better. i don't have to take it to heart unless i want to anyway. it is a choice. and i choose.

Sunday, 8 November 2009

i was thinking of the moon

i was thinking of the moon. i was thinking of the moon before i thought of you.

it has been days since i last spoke of you. how have you been? i sent you a prayer not too long ago. here, i just sent for another. wait for it. listen.

the moon looks nice tonight doesn't it? it's plain obscure self hiding - hidden - from what it doesn't wish to see. maybe it's afraid. maybe it's afraid of its own shadow.

the glass feels nice tonight; as if it's a piece of velvet cut from a long....

i can see the moon on the glass but not the glass on the moon. i see you. but do you see me?

Monday, 2 November 2009

the reason i go to school

i go to school because i want to study. i want to study very hard and make my mummy and daddy happy. my mummy and daddy always told me that i should not be lazy because lazy people will not be happy. my friend g is lazy, and he looks happy. my mummy and daddy are not lazy but they don't look happy.

i go to school because i want to see my friends. i have many friends. we like to talk to each other. we talk to each other on so many things and for very long. one day, i heard some the girls talk about some of the very cute boys in school. i was interested.

Friday, 16 October 2009

the guys

the guys are:

1. ryan reynolds
2. enriques iglesias
3. hugh jackman
4. simon baker
5. jonathan rys meyer

Thursday, 15 October 2009

why i love

why i love is because it makes me happy.

she is my support. she makes me strong and she makes me happy. she made happy strong me. i am happy she is strong for me.

well, i'm happy and strong because she is happy and strong. a happy and strong me make a confident and sexy me. and confident and sexy me mean believing in and being who i am.

she doesn't need to know everything because she already does i reckon. i don't need to tell her. i think she knows i know. i know she doesn't know i know. i know she knows. we both know. but we don't tell each other.

as for him, that is still someone whom i want to meet and know. so i'm not entirely happy.

but then again, we cannot get the absolute.

Thursday, 8 October 2009

i am an enfp



(Strength of the preferences % )
Extraverted 22%
Intuitive 50%
Feeling 50%
Perceiving 22%

Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:
-slightly expressed extravert
-moderately expressed intuitive personality
-moderately expressed feeling personality
-slightly expressed perceiving personality

(the following was taken from

Idealist: Portrait of the Champion (ENFP)

Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.

Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.

Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.

Joan Baez, Phil Donahue, Paul Robeson, Bill Moyer, Elizibeth Cady Stanton, Joeseph Campbell, Edith Wharton, Sargent Shriver, Charles Dickens, and Upton Sinclair are examples of Idealist Champions


People naturally confide in the Champion (ENFP). That's why they make such good mediators, counselors, teachers, consultants, and reporters. Any position that outreaches to others can fit the Champion. They can be columnists, journalists, publicists, copy writers, advertising account executives. In the arts they can be character actors, cartoonists, art educators. If they choose jobs such as restaurateur, be sure that their business sites will be unique and designed for a particular type of customer. Don't be surprised to see them as an inventor. This type of personality wants to experience the whole of life and may change careers more often than many other types. Says Charles, "I've had a number of jobs and when there is nothing left to create, I move to something new. I want my life to be spiced with newness, love, and joy."

Fitness & Nutrition
Recreation Specialist
Social Work
Acting and Performances
Film Producer
Public Relations Specialist
Fashion Merchandising
Famous people of your particular type
Mark Twain, Bill Cosby, Oprah Winfrey, Betty Friedan

Dealing with Stress from Work: Idealists Out of Balance

The Champion is usually a bundle of energy, but they can become exhausted if they are overloaded with work. They also will experience stress if their values and principles are violated and they see others in the company being hurt by policies that kill the human spirit. Then they become hypersensitive to what is going on around them. Facts become exaggerated. They have feelings of paranoia and may withdraw. To regain their equilibrium, meditation will help. Kindness and support by others, but not patronization, will help them get back to normal. Says Gloria, “I’d given a number of years of support to one boss, then he started bad-mouthing me. It threw me into a turmoil. I became suspicious of him and everyone else. Then a friend said that the boss was blowing up at everyone, not just me, and encouraged me to look at a position in a new section. I meditated to become centered again, then applied for the job. I love my new job and now life is great again. My old boss retired; he was drinking too much.”

Men and Romance
Part 3: Idealist Men
By Dr. Lovegood

Idealist men find it relatively easy to express tender feelings, sympathize with others, and have female friends. Some even enjoy shopping. Many women find this intensely appealing while others view them as effeminate (or gay, like me!).

Idealist men are the most likely to provide romantic dates, an empathetic listening ear, and kindness. Women are likely to appreciate their ability to simply listen without trying to solve problems although they are likely to need to share the stage with the Idealist man who also wants to be heard. Along with sensitivity, Idealists are the most likely type of man to be moody, responding to the moods of those around them.

He never lacks for female companionship. Women seek him out because he's cheerful and believes in them. P.J. has his tendency has been to have very intense relationships which burn out quickly. He's decided that it's probably best to date casually to avoid flash-in-the-pan romances. P.J. figures he'll eventually settle down and have a family but, for now, he enjoys the experience of femininity in many different forms.

Love the One You're With: Tips for Idealists with Non-Idealist Partners

Most of us end up in a relationship with a partner of a different temperament than ourselves. This is due both to statistics (Idealists make up no more than 15-20% of the population), and to our own temperament - we often look for people that bring new interests and excitement to our lives, and this means people that approach life differently than ourselves. As an Idealist, your partner may be another Idealist, but odds are they are an Artisan, Guardian, or a Rational. Here are a few pointers on taking the differences between you and your partner into account, and making the most of them in your quest for relationship bliss.

Rationals can be the most complementary temperament to Idealists. Idealist/Rational pairings can be highly satisfying relationships based on exploring the world of ideas. Imagining possibilities - whether romantic or pragmatic - and creating dreams for the future can represent the epitome of quality time for this pair. Idealists are often initially drawn by the intellectual gymnastics of their Rational partners. Rationals can be fascinated by Idealists' sensitivity and empathy for others.

If you partner is a Rational:

Rationals love to be seen as experts and approached for advice. They rarely lose enthusiasm for talking about their ideas for building and improving systems. If you have an interest, or at least enough knowledge to talk intelligently with them, in their areas of expertise, your relationship has a solid footing.
Help your Rational partner to be romantic. Of all the temperaments, they are the least sentimental, so marking important dates (such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc) on calendars where they will not miss them will help keep them from letting you down on these occasions. Even though it is often hidden, Rationals do have a romantic streak - they just need your help uncovering it.
Remember that your Rational partner is very utilitarian, and will often not even consider people's feelings when making decisions. Try not to take it personally if it is your feelings that weren't considered, but do discuss it with him or her in a non-judgmental way. Rationals are usually good about revisiting decisions based on new data, and your feelings are part of this.

Idealists and Guardians often make good pairs. Idealists can appreciate the Guardians' practicality and ability to deal with day-to-day matters that may interrupt the Idealists' dreams for the future. Guardians may appreciate the Idealists' sensitivity for others and their deep interest in their partner's success. Guardians are the most traditional partners - they'll remember birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions that are important to you, but their "traditional" behavior may seem at times to you like stubbornness and inflexibility.

If your partner is a Guardian:

Be sensitive to their need to plan ahead, schedule themselves, and be on time. Time can be secondary to you behind attending to relationships, but if you told your Guardian partner you'd be somewhere at a specific time, it is important to them that you meet that commitment.
Gifts are meaningful to your Guardian partner, but the amount of money spent is very important. It needs to be enough to show that they are valued highly but not so much that they feel resources are being wasted.
To make a special or romantic occasion, plan things out in advance, taking care of all the details. Don't try to surprise your partner - let them know the plans in advance. Knowing that everything is already taken care of, they can relax and enjoy your time together.

Artisans may be the most opposite of the other temperaments to Idealists. While you are abstract in your communication and cooperative in your actions, Artisans live in the here and now, and are more concerned with results than following rules or smoothing peoples' feelings. Idealists are often initially drawn to Artisans because of their zest for life, spontaneity, sensuality, and sense of being in the present. Artisans can be drawn to Idealists by their sensitivity, empathy for others, and sincere interest in other' success. On the other hand, the Artisans' disinterest in exploring and discussing their own, and your, inner lives can leave Idealists feeling unfulfilled.

If your partner is an Artisan:

Enjoy the here and now. Artisans live for the day - Carpe diem! Artisans will bring out the best in your own sense of adventure, so have fun. Just remember, the Artisan is in the moment - you may assign more meaning and sentimentality to spontaneous events than they do.
Develop your own set of Idealist friends with whom you can discuss and examine deep feelings. Your Artisan partner has much less need for this type of analysis, and may grow restless with too much of it. Artisans are concrete, preferring to talk about things that have immediate importance, not the "what could be" that you like to explore.
Don't let your need for harmony cause you to always be the diplomatic partner who simply goes along with your partner's preferences when you have other desires. Artisans' natural mode is to "go for it", and you may often just go along rather than challenge them for fear of confrontation. Don't worry about it - challenge and negotiation are also part of their natural mode. Stay true to yourself, and make sure your needs are known - you'll both appreciate the outcome more.

If your partner really were just like you, life would be very boring indeed. So, celebrate the differences that add spice, understand the ones that would otherwise frustrate you, and let your relationship thrive. Vive la difference!

Maximizing Your Study Environment
Pt.3: Idealists - Study Where The Heart Is

Idealists are the most variable in their needs for a study environment. However, one thing that can strongly affect their ability to study is the emotional temperature around them, even if it doesn't directly include them. Idealists find that a positive aura has a synergistic effect on their work output.

Champions (ENFP) need a study environment that is stimulating. They have a very difficult time working alone and quietly. They work best when their ideas bounce off someone else. Paul studied and studied for his psychology mid-term. It didn't seem to help. Then he went to a study session. As he started talking and getting feedback, he was amazed at how much he actually knew. He aced the exam.

Capitalizing on Your Intelligence Style
Part 3: Idealists' Diplomatic Intelligence

By The College Advisor

Idealists want a dream job and the best matches fitting their type of intelligence and skills. Possessing natural diplomatic intelligence, they empathize with others, communicate in a global language that allows others to add their own meanings, and seek harmony with all.

Champions (ENFPs) have inspirational diplomatic intelligence. Champions use interactions with others to gain new insights and spot deeper issues for both individuals and groups. They use words to paint pictures to inspire others to meet new challenges and go beyond that which is easy.

Kirby has been studying Kinesiology and Health Promotion. He'd like to travel to Third World Countries to improve health conditions. "I hate to see people suffering because of poor sanitation and ignorance about healthy ways of living. When I graduate, I'll be associated with a missionary group that provides medical assistance and health information." If you're a Champion, how does your major help develop inspirational diplomatic intelligence?

qoute from joe butt: "ENFPs are strongly influenced by the opinions of their friends."(

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

blunt blundering


turns out, my plan won't work!

i don't have enough to do everything and still graduate a semester earlier! OH SHUX!

so either i take more mods and graduate later or matriculate straight to nus.

option 1

exemptions allowed for up to 1) 8MCs (1 gen ed + 1 breadth), 2) 12MCs (3 mods) of UE and 3) 20MCs programme requirement. i.e. 20MCs! ( i know. wtf, right?)

option 2

apply to fass. or apply to civil engine then transfer to fass. =(

i did some calculations last night to see if its worth going poly and find out that i won't have enough MCs to do the other mods unless i stay longer (i.e. it'll be the same as going uni straight)!

man! i hate this dilemma. on one hand, i wanna try out my luck in poly before going uni. on the other, i wanna do so many things in uni which i can't cause of the credit exemptions.

i was very sure i wanted to go poly two weeks ago. now, i'm not.

pissed, disappointed, confused.

i had my reasons. they were:

1) i was looking for an alternative route for my education
2) i like being part of the poly culture
3) i don't wannabe caught in the same rat race as the "JC kids" ("poly kids" are more laid back but they still produce results)
4) i got a diploma in business
5) which allows me to do sth that i like in uni (philo/tsd/lit/e lang/eu studies/pol sci)

but the reason that negates them all

*6) i suddenly don't have a good feeling about going poly

i want to create opportunities for myself. i want to grow as a person and a performer. so i thought that maybe taking the longer and less travelled by route will give me some satisfaction. OBVIOUSLY, NOT!

i like the mods offer at np biz school. i getta do a lil bit of marketing, pr, advertising and business admin. yet i'm having doubts if i should do this. why?

Sunday, 4 October 2009

ran an ant

rant, rant, rant, rant, rant..

well actually, i haven't got anything interesting to say. just wanted to blog cause i miss you. hadn't been here since 7th sept 09!

since i don't have anything to say, why not i write down my plans? =)

i plan to go np and do biz studies with a marketing communication option. in my last sem i'll apply to nus and do philo and tsd. yeah i know i'm not the best person here with the impeccable command of language. that's why i am going to work hard and do an hons in either one of them. maybe even minor in one and use my remaining mods to do a few langauge mods. awesome right? sounds like a plan to me!

i don't know. i have this obsession with the high level of thinking. it just interests me although i sometimes grasp for what i am saying / want to say. one would think that i have good command of english. well, i'm more comforatble speaking / talking then writing. guess that makes up 40% of everything.

i'm excited for school! finally, my brains are forced to work and i can keep my mind safe and active. i've kept it idle for so long and i'm beginning to doubt my own intelligance. now, how sad is that?

you see, even as i am typing this, i am saying it. so it's not quite written language. it's a physical form of spoken language; which is technically different. i reckon that's the controversy with msn and sms or internet and new media language. they've been misinterpreted, interspersed and now, confused. tsk tsk tsk.

i haven't been reading the papers, or keeping up with current affairs for that matter. my world is how i physically see / hear / taste (eat) / feel it. nothing more than two plus two equals to square-headed me. how can i think outside the box!? i only see the box but not what's outside of it cause i'm in the box; squared and trapped. as it's said in defending the caveman, "hindered by logic." (it's actually "not hindered by logic", but i changed it for contextual fitting purposes).

if i cannot see what's beyond me how can i be sure that it exists? based on the notion "seeing is believing", if i cannot see my future what makes me so sure that it'll come true? i guess that's where IMAGINATION comes in (from image + calculation). i perceive an image then calculate its distance to estimate how far i go; and that's can be boundless cause i've no sign to say where to stop. true?

ok i gotta go sleep now. eyes getting tired and mind's freaking out.


Monday, 7 September 2009

beating the beatened

i am feeling guilty.

i feel guilty because i did something wrong, and i don't know what to do now. do you?

i am feeling uncomfortable and restless. i cannot sit still and i don't want to stand. i don't want to sleep and i don't want to lie down.

something is here.

something saw what i did. something knew. and something wants to tell.

i wish i hadn't done it.

oh! how i'm sincerely wishing now!

i only have my regrets to live with. i am very sorry. i am very sorry for what i did.

why didn't this come before i did what i did?

then, i wouldn't have done it. and i wouldn't have this feeling. and this all wouldn't have happenned.

Saturday, 8 August 2009

between school, work, and everything in between

i am in a dilemma, again. i feel like going to school now.

i wanted to go to either of the three universities. but i fucked up. big time i think. no. i did fuck up.

and i had that reconciled: work for a year, then go to school, continue working while schooling.

but things have changed. i now wanna go to school. maybe it's because of peer pressure. unconditionally and unknowingly, my mind changed on its own. i suspect it happened when i was sleeping. =)

anyhow, i am thinking of going to a private school like itc or sim or stansfield. payment is one thing. studying. no. schooling itself is hard. i mean law? hello! 

i am also interested in advertising and pr and marketing. because it's business, and it's about creativity. i like being creative although i'm not that good at it. heehee. but i like it.

i like so many things. and i can put my mind to them. but sadly, that's a lie. i can only put my mind to some of them. others are...wishy washy iffy flippy kinda things.

like acting. i am putting my mind to it. most of it, all the time. law...uhr...that's a tuffy. english: seventy to eighty-nine percent of the time. other languages: always dream of them. you know, sometimes i wish i have this ability where i meet people from different races and i immediately talk to them in their langauge. like french to the french, german to the german, mandarin to the chinese, japanese to the japanese, etc. yeah. wouldn't that be cool!?

oh. and i'm on a movie marathon today. from the gray man to fame to taking pelham 123.

i bought a new wallet yesterday. cost me $39. and a new pair of contact lenses ($16). and 12 face masks for $11.70. then to al-majlis for dinner ($15). played cluedo. took photos with nurul, sulina and zallie. had fun.

been a long time (very long) since i last spent my friday nights. so it was good. i appreciate it. ok, gotta continue watching taking pelham 123 now. till next entry! =)

Friday, 24 July 2009

another official

i've got another official, diary: officially bad employee selling techniques / tactics.

for phuk sake man. i don't know what the phuk to say. actually, i don't know 'how' to say it. that's more precise - knowing 'how' to say it!

i had one interview today. and i told ina and karyn about what i said. they flipped! cause apparently, i didn't say the right stuffs! i said something like "try" for the job, which according to ina is a total put off. 


man. i really got a lot to learn. A WHOLE PHUKING LOT!

Monday, 6 July 2009

if i were to be...

(a) a recording artist

if i were to be a recording artist, i want to have my songs written by people (great musicians) all over the whole and sung in as many languages and genres as i possibly can. my reason: so that everyone can be entertained!

this may seem like a domination but its not. imagine this: beyonce having her record in french, italian, chinese, malay, etc. those who can't understand her in english will get to enjoy what the song is in their own language. plus, it forms that more intimate relationship between me and those who give me their support. after all, people like those who speak their language (like the french, i am proud they're proud of their language.); it shows they love who they are.

talk about french, i wish frederic and francois can have their records in english too. yes i know it'll lose its essence and i don't want it that happen at all but i also want to understand their song. that way, they can have more people supporting them.

alternatively, i can learn french. but what if we both learn each other's language? isn't that (way) better?

(b) an actor

i have done some acting but i won't call myself an actor yet. that's cause i don't feel that i fit the role well enough. there're still many things i gotta do and learn before i'm fully prepared to be an actor.

having said that, one i gotta build up on my stamina, then my voice, learn how to sing, and dance well, and learn as many languages as i can, for reasons stated above. besides it brings in (a lot more) money.

Thursday, 2 July 2009

facebook quizzes

have you seen or done any of those quizzes on facebook?

i particularly have a certain dislike for some of them, such as "when will you die", "how long will you live", "what age will you get married", "what sign is your life partner", etc. i find them ridiculous and almost cursing.

that's just me. others might say that it's just for fun and no harm intended. but like i said, it's just me.

i'm not superstitious. but such quizzes are dehumanizing and mortalising the Great Being.

as such, i do not like them. i do get a little annoyed when i see them tho. and i wish they would stop (being created).

on the same note, i find some other quizzes just stupid in the fundamental human intellect sense. why are people doing these things? what are they doing? hahak

Friday, 26 June 2009


for the past few nights i've been having nightmares.

from being in a horror movie to experiencing supernaturals myself (no, not the real ghosts, just the ones my mind created). but of all, i think last night was blog worthy.

i believe that dreams are our suppressed inner feelings that come out as images when we are most relax (sleeping). so when they surface, i don't usually brush them aside unless they're really ridiculous.

last night i dreamt i was really mad at this someone - who happen to be someone i know. i can't recall her face but i remember vividly that i saw her face when i was dreaming of her.

in the dream, i went insane. i was yelling at the top of my lungs and throwing things around (which is what i won't normally do!). the dream is set at a cafe by the way. and i was working at this cafe. i didn't throw anything else but knives, scissors, forks at her. making sure i'll hit her but purposely miss when i actually threw them.

the argument started when she went back on her words on me. she promised that i'll have a decent live if i work at this cafe that she owns. oh now i remember, she's the bully who always picks on me! so it was meant to be a truce or something.

but obviously she didn't stop lah. she humiliated me in front of everyone else time and again until finally that time, i snapped. i was raging mad so i charged at her, beating her so hard so that she'll feel the pain, so much pain. i remember having slammed her face to the door and pinning her down next to it while yelling and (practically) crushing her bones by sitting on her with my full body weight. and hitting her several times. mind you, i threw punches, not sissy slaps. yet all the time, she didn't fight back. it was as if she knew she had deserved it. strange ain't it?

now to what's happening in my life at this period.

i've been offered a job as a credit collector. my job is basically to call customers that they've to pay up. it pays $7/hr, 9 hours work each day for five days and four weeks each month, excluding the 10 hours of OT i must do each week (or so i was told). financially, the job pays more lah and it's also more stable. but i'm not enjoying the thought of it, more so about the work itself. so that goes to say that i'm not particularly interested in it or at all excited about the prospect.

i don't mind working in the theatre for 13 hours every weekend for free. when gilly offered me the job, i took it up immediately without any thinking twice.

but for this get what i'm trying to say?

so i guess, in my dream last night i was both person - the hitter and the one who got hit. although i enjoyed hitting her (almost to her death), she didn't seem to flinch or fight back or hurt for that matter. which is even more bizarre. naturally, this wouldn't be the case eventhough i'm the one "controlling" the dream.

anyhow, over-interpretation aside i think it was a sign or some sort: that i shouldn't let myself be bullied (this i know when my inner demon had to come out) or pressured into doing something which i don't want / dislike /adverse / hate / resent.

guess i'll be calling my agent and telling her i've changed my mind.... =(

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

...that is to say...

i'm 21. and this shouldn't be a worry or something of that sort but i really feel left out not being in a relationship before.

I KNOW! LIKE WTH AM I WORRYING OR SHOULD BE? it's not something major or what.

but here's the thing...i feel like it is. 

21: single, virgin, haven't drunk / smoke /getta tattoo, feel any sense of importance. man, i do feel pathetic. for having this feeling, and having the thought of having this feeling. like i got nothing better to do. or anything interesting to keep me company but to dwell on such menial stuffs. shux!

and now i think i'm childish. a man with a child's mind and child's thinking. maybe that is why i'm not making more friends than i can; they get put off by my stupidity and naivety. right?

this is not overthinking. this is just...considering (a thought).

one of the play in short and sweet is about alzheimer's. and it states that: keeping the mind and body active can and will help to prevent diseases. so i'm just keeping my mind busy with...thoughts.

maybe it's because they don't get me. or maybe that's too cliche / passe.

now i know why i couldn't make it to VS/RI/VJ/RJ/Law Fac/any elite schools. i'm way too dumb be a... a... manager even! hahak aka (that is to say) - not cut out for it.

i'm not that intelligent always = sometimes i'm not that smart = sometimes i am intelligent. so which one am i looking at (most of the time)? hmmph...

(to see that i'm even considering says something, right?)

and this is what i mean!!! i think what i think and write is something intelligent / adult-sounding but after re-reading, it's utter rubbish. *heres another one: i'm uttering rubbish! (AH! HELP ME. SAVE ME FROM ME!).

(i'm resisting the urge to change and rewrite what i've written but i won't cause i want to see it written down, and look at my mistake and...the restis history.)

at this point - i feel like a total idiot. *sobs and cries and wails.

haiks ruzaini, ruzaini...or (is it) zaini, zai, ruzai, nini, didi, ujai, zu, ruru, ruzini, ruzaiynie, ....

Saturday, 20 June 2009

alone and lonely

i was telling liyana (griffiths) the other day when i went her place: i realised that at the age of 21, what we've always worked for is seen. like visible.

for yana, she likes business and teaching. and she's been doing both extensively. fatah got into mass comm and a scholarship as a cabin crew- two things which he really wanted. me: i've always loved theatre and look at where that has brought me - esplanade, touch the light boards, asm, know people. must say, i do feel lucky (remember about being jealous of others?). =)

i just come back from hafeez's birthday party. it was great and awesome. but i was slightly disappointed: i thought i was their friend but i was ignored most of the time. guess i'm still known as the clerk and not part of their gang (and here i stupidly thought i am). the bmc sgts all joked and talked around but i didn't feel like part of the group. it was quite embarrassing. guess i'm kinda done. i'm not as close to them as i thought i was. don't bother about trying. they won't care anyway. x|

and guess i know who my friends are; or rather the ones who feel that i matter as much as i do about them. i mean i do care for everyone i befriended. EVERYONE. yet, if they don't feel about it too, guess it's stupid to hope and try so hard. hahak.

smile and laugh it out ruz. smile and laugh it out. =)

oh ya. i'm in the craze for french music, french pop music! Frédéric Lerner. sexy and good taste in music (ok this is bias. it's more to my liking than the general public. ahahahahahak).

i mean after all live has to go on. be it what people think of you, thicken yourself, and move on la! hahak. just don't care as much as they don't care about me lor. i'm lonely and alone, i know. but suck it in boy and smile and laugh, smile and laugh.

people who matters to me and vice versa: my mum, siti, ayah, astri, liyana bar, hana, sufirah, ina, karyn, liyana griffiths.

and i'm giving up on dating. i'm no good. no one wants me. i feel weird when i'm dating / seeing someone. again, i'm lonely and alone. i've learn to smile and laugh even when my heart is wrenched and miserably languorous. and i can do it! just brush away the subject and smile and laugh. i have me. i have ME. I HAVE ME! I HAVE ME!!

and me will not go away. me is my alter ego who is just as lonely and alone. but when you put us together, there'll be no difference. there'll be no sense of filling of companionship. weird huh? but it's true. i guess maybe that is why i withdraw to myself most of the time. the only time i'm really empowered and feeling powerful is with astri / hana / yana / ina / karyn / any combination of the names listed and i'm on that stage as a performer. =)

Sunday, 14 June 2009

a response from a blog entry

here's my response from reading a blog entry ( and i got from nurul (ycp):

hey there.

ok i agree with you that beyonce / sasha uses greek mythology as part of her persona - in her music and to a certain extent, her life. i can clearly see that.

i am convinced by your argument, and fervent belief in what you think.

however, i am not buying it all. you get me?

greek mythlogy is an interesting subject to play around with. we see it in many great literary works and periods. but what makes it interesting can also cause people to read deeper into what is portaryed, sometimes too deep.

"sasha fierce was born when i did crazy in love" (sorry if i've misquoted). i think quite simply it means: people - the mass public - starts to identify and look at beyonce as an individual artist, as the person she's made out to be. after all, it's her first single. and it was huge. it caught our attention of this powerful woman.

yes there have been symbolisms and depictions to show this transference, but at the end of the day sasha fierce is just a persona of beyonce. a "someone" she created when she's working because people love and adore that someone. it's a character, and she's lending her body. it's acting. is acting a sin / vice / diabolical then?

however, that is not to say she's been possessed or something like that. she's new, she's fresh and she's a force to be reckon with. not a diabolical force or any demonic descent of that sort. just a force, as in the lay meaning of the phrase "force to be reckon with." simple.

and she said she puts on a persona - sasha fierce - when she's on stage. as a performer myself, i know what she's talking about. we put on a front to brave ourselves in front of the crowd. a psychological barrier that helps to harden ourselves as a means of protection from going crazy by all the energy the audience brings. that is not being possessed. i find that magical.

here's the ethereal part - the stage has the kind of special energy that even when you're really sick, when you get on that stage to perform you will perform as if you're alive and kicking.

it's not something demonic or diabolical because i don't feel that energy / force churning. and i believe that is what every performer (entertainers) feels. it's a good and positive energy that helps us do our job as an entertainer.

so while i admire your "beyonce literature", i do not buy them all.

Saturday, 13 June 2009

new exciting fantsay world

what is real?

how do we decide what's real and what's not? i am not a pychology student nor a philosophy one. but i think i would like to say something about it.

facebook. it's now more real than before. it's present, current, "in". no one in a developed country will not have an account, or at least heard about it. the latest tech is twitter but since i don't have one and it seems to be a celebrity gadget as well, i shan't go in to there.

but my point is this: my so called "virtual life" has become very much part of my "real life"; in short i feel like i'm living in cyberspace as well.

so if i put two and two together, my life has gone virtual too. my entire life has been expanded and extended (since i won't "die" there).

is it good? some people have made their "virtual life" as their real and actual life - feeding, resting, playing and working their cyber persona. this character they made up is usually something more extraordinary than their real and actual life. which is a fair fantasy to play around with but i think it gets derogatory when they start to indulge in it. 

indulgence is a permissible sin when done occasionally, and for the sake of pleasure with no intentions of harm. on that note, going overboard and being obsessively absorbed into this new world so much that it starts to harm, i think a bold line should be drawn. there should be a stop to it.

perhaps it's the feeling such exciting place brings which makes people glued to it. however so, as capable and rational adults we know better. we ought to know the limits and stop before it gets worse.

yet, the fun such fantasies bring make them hard to delineate what's "real" and what's not.

i am, myself, becoming less capable of resisting such temptations. i find it necessary to log into my facebook account several times a day and check for any updates though they may not be any, or expecting any.

i fault myself for doing this because i'm showing signs of being "virtualised" (it's more than just having a virtual account: i am referring to the countless number of hours i would rather spend staring at the computer screen than to go out and live like a person should), hence i've to do something before more damges are done (if there have been considered as any already). i mean doing damage controlled is harder.

my solution: go out as often as i can with the people i meet in real life. and love life for what it brings; my REAL life that is, not the one i created online. =)

Monday, 8 June 2009

just a thought

this is just a thought.

i wonder what kind of boyfriend i'll be (this is just a guess and what i think. results may vary).

1. i will put him second to me.

2. if he cheats, i want him to tell me. we'll talk and i'll forgive (unless we're at the point where he shouldn't and i'll be fuming mad if he cheats).

3. i wouldn't want him to compromise on lots of things. not so much of a change(s), but add-ons.

4. be sincere, faithful and respectful of him (needlessly said, he to me).

5. (if i get one who travels) i don't mind his constant travelling, cause he has to. and if he has sudden and urgent needs to attend to, i'll allow. but he's to be doubled or tripled protected.

6. i think i might be me most of the time.

7. and i hope i don't second the people who've been there for me longer than he has.

ps: i've this feeling i might not get pass 30. and it's terrifying me.

Sunday, 7 June 2009

kitty mccallister (walker)

do you know who kitty mccallister (walker) is?

she is one of the characters in brothers and sisters who is a writer and former radio host, talk back presenter and communications director; married to Robert McCallister, the sentor. 

i like her cause i think she's very intelligent. she's good with written language. i wannabe her. i am dreaming of (being someone like) her, again. which i can't i can't. cause that would mean i will be stressing myself unnecessarily again. and i took a great deal to get out of that. hahak.

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

confession (2)

i am jealous.

yes. i try to tell me myself that it's envy. or maybe it's more of envy than jealousy but i think i shouldn't lie. it's official. i am jealous.

i want a rich life. or something that money can buy. like holidays or schools.

if i go stansfield and do english, by the end of my course (2011) i have to pay back my loan. depending on which bank, most probably it's immediately after i graduate. but i want a more vibrant student life. i want to go on exchange. to me, it's the only time i get to go away from home for something fun and educational.

but this can only happen if i go to public universities. if it's smu/nus/ntu, i might not get to go (on such trips) because my parents can't afford. so maybe nie(?). i'll get allowance, cpf deduction, and fun on trips overseas. and since they offer drama as a major, i might just do that.

but am i doing the right thing? it's not about being practical or reasonable. am i being fair to myself? should i let myself be subjected to doing things i don't feel passionate for? i am passionate for drama, but not teaching. can i let myself go through such audacity?

i've made a promise to do what i like, and work hard for it. now i have to get back that drive and do what i feel is right. for myself. i only have myself at the end of the day (or at the end). so no matter what i do, i have to answer for them. and live through the consequences.

life is as inconsequential as i sometimes let it. so while i still can, i have to take action! and stick by it. i may not have the mind of hana's, or astri's maturity or yana's brains. but what i have is something different. and it's no less brilliant and beautiful. i may not see it with my eyes. it may not be visible to me, but i've got talent (this i know and very sure of). and it's my decision on how i want to make use of that gift.

so ruzaini, don't tell yourself how lucky people are. believe that you are just as lucky. and lucky people are grouped together. they come to one another naturally. lucky people are grouped together. smile. and embrace their luck. it's how you get your share of it. =)

and this is why i want to keep working, going out with friends, or having some activity. i have to keep my mind busy or i'll retract to this negative/sad/dishearten mood like everything around me is good and i'm having a miserable life. so i need to get back on my feet! and do something!

Monday, 1 June 2009

authors whom i like

so i haven't been writing for quite some time. partly, it's because i got nothing important to write. and also, i keep forgetting what i want to write (some of my ideas come when i'm not at home). anyhow, i think i should write this down.

i've been reading again. after watching the entire latest season of grey's anatomy and desperate housewives and uglt betty i find the time to read again. last week i couldn't because i was involved in anna karenina by the finnish national ballet. it was at esplanade theatre. PHUKING HELL I'VE MADE IT THERE! NOW TO WORK HARDER SO I CAN HAVE MORE STAGE TIME. damn it's one fine theatre!

i just finished "in the country of last things" by paul auster. and now reading another book by him called "the music of chance."

albeit its futuristic setting, "in the country of last things" is full of events that might probably happened to us city-dwellers if we were to continue living as we are now. it's a story told by anna blume who is a very witty and brave character who's left her home to look for her brother in the city. there isn't any name to this city but auster give us a clear image of devoured it is. there, people either kill themselves or live through the hardship.

there're the Leapers - people who voluntarily kill themselves by jumping off the roof because they can no longer withstand the hardship of extreme poverty. when they die, the Vultures - people who steal from the dead corpes of their belongings - and Scavengers - people who take the belongings of the dead and sell them for glots (their currency) will come, and their bodies will be collected by this other group of people who comes and collect them for burning fuel to generate power. imagine the backdrop of the story the pianist, starring academy-award winner adrien brody. that's pretty much it. and the story is told from the first person narrative in letter-writing form to give the personal relationship. i felt moved when i was reading it. i sympathised with anna but also myself. her world is fiction. ours is real. and she's saying what's real to her, as if to tell us that it's just as real to us. it's almost like a warning.

in the book, there is no form of rescue. any kind of help quickly diminishes as soon as it conjures - from the time she talked to bogat (her brother's employer who sent him to the city to report what's happening) to the wobourn house (that serves as a hospital for the wounded and the sick). they do not last. as soon as anna feels the comfort of such solace, it's taken away. it is as if auster is telling us that hope and faith no longer exists. this is in addition to the missing presence, or even existence, of a devine being. anna even said that she no longer believes in god. and the jews she met in the library said that they "talk to him, but they're not sure if He listen to them or not."

it's a good 21st century gothic novel (thank god i studied gothic for my a's).

as for "the music of chance", it's the story of jim nashe who just inherited his father's money when he passed away and now travelling around the united states aimlessly when he met jack pozzi, a 22 year old poker expert. nashe rescued pozzi one summer morning when pozzi was running away from a group of millionares who've been robbed by a bunch of black-suit men while playing poker. angry at their loss and believing that pozzi was responsible for the attack, they mobbed him but he managed to escape, wounded and hurt but alive. i'm at the part where pozzi was telling his story and nashe realised how similar their lives are. i've yet to read the end of the story.

but it got me thinking of the notion of frailed masculinity. the lack of father figure in a boy's life that led to his reckless living as he is growing up - both of them finished high school simply because their fathers made them promise to, both of them are going around their lives with no solid idea of what they want (gambling their way through - risking the chances they got), nashe left his daughter to his sister's care and he disappears into the states, and both never quite knew their father. "the father" disappears as soon as they're born and suddenly shows up at different points of their lives several years later. and the repetition of their fathers' mistake is their pathos. these men will fall - like their fathers - simply because they're behaving like their father. they are being the men they choose to hate, which in turn means they are hating themselves. and probably that's why they do not have a sense of direction. it's the acme of any man's fall.

i feel bad for them. and worse, i'm seeing it in myself. i am being like my dad, somehow, eventhough i resent him at times (cause of the things he does). and i try my very hardest not to but the fruit usually don't fall far from the tree. i have his genes. i have him running in me. maybe that's why i can't let go and run away. maybe this is every man's tragedy!

boy i sure am going absurdly far aren't i with this ludicrous and preposterous idea. but hey, i can use this as my usp essay (if i choose to apply to nus again next year).

but diary, i'm thinking of doing the english degree at stansfield. it's by uol. uol is good. but i don't know about the administration at stansfield. i'm just afraid it'll screw up a lot of things. already now i haven't gotten a reply from their marketing team about my fees and financial assitance queries. if they can't be efficient, how will i know the efficacy of my degree? plus, i don't know if the bank can approve the max loan. it's approx $28, 000 (i gauge the fees at unisim) but my dad can loan up to $16, 500; that's $12, 500 short! or should i wait for next year?

anyone there. please reply... o.o"

ps: the other authors whom i adore are margaret atwood and iris murdoch. now paul auster's joining the list. =)

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

post 21

uhm...i am not happy with my b'day celebration ytd. well, mainly cause it wasn't a celebration. no cake, present, out with frens. hahak. the supposed big 21 is a big disppointment to me. i wanted more but nothing. mum tried but she's pregnant. i utd. dad is hush hush. siti made a card for me. i thought it was sweet. and zahid wished me at night ( around 8).

the fact that i could remember it all is not a good thing. cause if there had been more activities, i will remember the important ones. those memorable ones. but since i've only got the wish and hush, and that's all i can it's memorable? (cause it's stuck in my memory.)

no point blogging about this bad thing. maybe sth better coming as i learnt from last friday's congregation: tmr is better than today. all i need is gumption and patience. and oh faith.

last friday i attended von's b'day celebration. it was big and partying all happening but i didn't do much cause i don't know the rest of them - when i came only his jc friends were there. i wanted to try the drinks but decided not to. i said to myself, i shouldn't. the next day when i woke up: i realised that the day i have that drink and sleep with a man is the day i forsake my religion. my religion! not god! it felt wrong. i felt worse but helpless. why did i even think of that? religion before god. sish. i'm sure damned. =(

but then again, maybe i thought wrong. after all (on that day) i haven't had sleep for about 28hours. so maybe my brain went bonkers. hahak.

Monday, 18 May 2009

the 21

hi there. today it's the 21 b'day. my 21. felt pretty emo about it ytd. don't know why. hahak.

so wht now, eh? =)

Friday, 15 May 2009

the if-i-don't-get-to-school plan

ok so i confess now. i am worried i'm not getting any letter of offers yet. many people have asked (told rather) me to be postive but i say, "what silver lining? u mean the inside of my frog? eew!"

ok that was lame. and lame as i will be. 

i have also learnt to not be obsessed with intelligence and wit. instead, look at beauty. that's better and longer lasting. plus i can accept that. =) so long as i keep seeing sth nice, i will be nice - both inside and outside. yay!

so now that i might go to sch this yr, i have learnt to accept that. well, preparing myself; -ly (mentally, socially, psychologically, etc-ly). i can do more FOH and get more money. make new friends. and be happy. see the prettiness of it? =)

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

learning to accept who i am

this is my online diary. hence, it's mostly personal stuffs. i guess thatwas why i decided to privatise it and only restrict certain people to read it.

ok. i have to really accept that i have an average iq. not very intelligent but still is to some degree. i am less campy now - i saw a vid of my acting. =) and i have lotsa inhibitions and reservations. and i do contradict what i believe and say sometimes. 

this entry is about me being engaged with real social affairs. i gotta know about UNIFEM two days ago. and met with one of their members yesterday, sonja bretscheinder. we briefly spoke and today i joined the UNIFEM facebook group.

i stumbled upon,, these are good blogs about the thoughts of the arabs. and it's a joy reading on their culture and recent happenings.

but it's quite ironic like how easy it was for me to look for these articles when i'm having the hardest time looking for similar articles about singapore. maybe i am not looking at the right places. uhm...

an excerpt that got me thinking...

"Q: Do you find Islam to be a problem that leads to our societal restrictions?
A: Well, a lot of religious Muslims are decent and understand the importance of living in a free and tolerant society. I know that Islam is not our problem. Politics is our weakness and Islam is just an excuse that many of our governments successfully get away with."

it's true: politics and religion are independent issues that overlaps and intersperse sometimes. more often misunderstood and lazily declined thus accepted. it's thru the deveopment of ideas and wide exposure that help people draw and form their own opinions. these thoughts get published and shared and rephrased in the process of spreading the word. so much that eventually words got displaced, forming new (sometimes radical) ideas. the process repeats.


Saturday, 2 May 2009

lost in my thoughts

i am lost in my thoughts. i am told, severally, that i overthink. and i think i should stop but i don't know how and where to.

and i had a heart 2 heart chat with astri, hana, yana about my sexuality. man i thought i am over this. apparently i'm still puzzled. it all staretd when astri asked: so what is it that you wannabe (sexuality)? and i reluctantly answered cause i was extremely embarrassed to talk about it yet i wanna. see how weird that is?

and i still have to get the part that i have an AVERAGE iq i.e. stop acting as if i'm very smart. i can't hand around smart people cause i can NEVER keep up. 

i wannabe smart cause i don't wannabe bullied. i was bullied when i was more naive and pathetically immature. and i hated that big time lah.

i think i'm still looking for 'me'. so meanwhile i'm hanging around.

i know we can tell how intelligent a person is from the way he talks and writes. many think i am from the way i talk. but writing wise - CHECK OUT THE POOR WRITING! it's quite in your face right ruzaini? so, suck it in! be embarrassed and thickened yourself. now that's how it seems like how it should be. so you're gonna go all red. (sigh) what to do.

the more i run, the more tired i'll be. but it'll improve my stamina. bad analogy. but know what i mean lah.

man. i'm lost in my thoughts.

ps: i think i just overthink again? is it a work in progress? =S

Thursday, 9 April 2009

names: what's with them?


1. english - robber
2. thailand - teacher


1. islam - one's own faith
2. malay - a name, sharing the same meaning in islam
3. iman - (from a book) "not unless you want a daughter to be a black supermodel that throws handphone(s) at her maid."

so yeah. i think names are important. we need something to call something. but what if they don't quite mean the same thing? ok fine. i have bad examples. but i can't recall any now. i know of some more! just cannot recall. shit right? hahak.

so what name should we give my new kid sister? =S

Monday, 6 April 2009

random conversation with utter randonmess

heard of this omegle shit? here's what happened when you talk to random stranger:

You: lo
You: hahak
Stranger: 23
You: 21
You: m/f?
Stranger: 23
You: 15
You: 18
Stranger: 23
Stranger: 23
You: love u already!
Stranger: 23
You: mwah!
Stranger: 23
You: 17
Stranger: 23\
You: 23
Stranger: fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
You: love u
Stranger: you too babe
Stranger: but
You: butt?
Stranger: I want you to love me like you used to.
You: u didnt gimme a chance too
You: 2nd chance?
Stranger: I quit drinking.
You: smoking?
Stranger: I quit.
You: sleeping around?
Stranger: I can quit.
You: until u do
You: i still love u
You: love me too/
Stranger: ಥ_ಥ
Stranger: I love you
You: aww
You: i know
You: i miss u darling
Stranger: i miss you too
You: any chance? i'm ready to forgive u
You: i really miss u much
Stranger: lets do this
You: but what u's...
You: =(
You: u sure?
Stranger: Yes
You: ok
Stranger: i swear
You: on me?
Stranger: i swear on my dead mother's grave
Stranger: and on my other one's heart.
You: i believe u
You: we can do this
Stranger: i believe you do
Stranger: yes we can
You: good things are best shared
You: should we bring in more?
Stranger: yes
Stranger: because
Stranger: ZALGO COMES!
You: yes!
Stranger: WAT
You: any more honey?
Stranger: as long as balls aren't touching
You: two of us is...not enough
Stranger: bring in some of your friends
You: i will
Stranger: likke that one that does the thing
You: bring some of yours too
You: i will
Stranger: by the way
Stranger: the game

*you=me, stranger=stranger.

phuking cool ain't it?

and another: look at how i started and how it all went along...

You: hey
You: =)
Stranger: yo
You: yoyo u!
You: u are fabulous
Stranger: what up?
You: i know it!
You: i think i should take cocaine.
You: u reckon?
You: hahak
You: u from?
You: u're a fan of coldplay?
You: i know u are
You: heehee
You: madonna too right?
You: of course!
Stranger: theyre a good bad, but eh
You: i'm rambling
You: bad habit
You: =)
Stranger: s'all good where you at?
You: singapore man
You: urself?
Stranger: unites states
You: coolness
You: which part?
Stranger: right now im in vegas
Stranger: leaving soon
You: fantastic
You: where to next?
Stranger: san jose
You: not singpore?
You: been here b4?
You: u travel a lot huh
You: good for u
You: i think it's healthy
You: opens up the mind
Stranger: yes i have
You: and eyes
You: u like it here?
Stranger: im in a band. we tour a lot
Stranger: i did like it, yea
You: name?
You: u coming for the world wide festival in singapore?
Stranger: gabe
Stranger: the band is cobra starship
You: awesome name!
You: woot woot!
Stranger: not that i know about, dude.
You: yeah...
You: google it
Stranger: did you go to singfest back in 07?
You: googling is a verb now
You: nope
You: had sth on the entire week
You: fucking hate myself for missing it
You: u came?
Stranger: ahh we played there
You: awesome!
You: any plans coming again?
You: i might catch u again>
Stranger: not sure when but id say we'd def go back there
You: fab man
You: sure wanna hear u guys play
You: any myspace account?
You: i'll check it out
You: what kind of music u guys play?
Stranger: like nothing youve heard before ;)
You: most original answer
You: u have my support there
You: hahak
You: what do u play?
You: or sing?
Stranger: i sing
Stranger: and i can play bass guitar
Stranger: i shake my ass
You: u betcha
You: good music
You: ok. confession. i'm new to non-mainstream bands
Stranger: nothin wrong with that
You: been the usual geek for ages
You: only recently tryin to listen to others
You: how's the response been?
You: guess it's hot
You: taking a break now?
Stranger: its not so bad
You: =)
Stranger: we're actually on tour right now with fall out boy
You: oh. big!
You: sure to look out for u guys
You: any mv?
Stranger: awesome
Stranger: anywhat ?
You: music vids
You: well bands boys have their own way of dealing with stress. don't mind me asking, how do u handle yours?
Stranger: oh yeah dude,. check youtube
Stranger: i drink a lot
You: that's one way
You: well rambling me = bored me
You: on that note. who doesnt?
You: lol
You: well i speak as if i know u
You: but omegle does it a lot
You: so...don't wanna blame myself
You: it's the virtuality
You: and u might be going who teh fuck is this guy?
Stranger: haa yep, sorry dude, but i gotta go. the bus is rollin
You: bye man
You: best wishes!
You: rock on!
You: send my regards to your badnmates
Stranger: thanks bro
You: =)
Stranger: will do. its one of their birthdays today
Stranger: see ya

phuking shit. good shit yall!