Thursday, 12 November 2009

my story

this is my story.

once upon a time there was a boy. to him, he is ordinary. however, little did he know that being different - both on the inside and outside - would make a difference to how he is going to be as he is growing up.

like any other boy, he was sent to school. on the first day, he realised that not everyone likes him. but he didn't think much of it and continue making friends. and he did make friends. they were not many, and he wished he has, but they were enough.

then one day, he was...touched. by his own cousin. his cousin is a growing male teenager with raging hormones and heaps of curiosity to try out and know more about new things. now, this little boy is "soft" and young. he didn't know what was happening but what he did know was that it was enjoyable. he wasn't sure if he was enjoying it but it was enjoyable. the touching didn't happen just once. they happened severally.

a few years later, the boy started to realise another thing: he is attracted to boys. then he thought back of all the incidents that happened after the touching and this new realisation. his fantasies were that he was the girl being touched by the boy. it made him think.

the thought lingered on for a few more years later. he started to drop hints and showed certain signs, all while trying to be as discreet as possible. meanwhile, he was trying to grasp the matter himself. and fearing for his safety, he didn't tell anyone, not even his family.

when the boy was sixteen, the "new thing" became apparent to him. (much later he got to know that) people around him began to confirm their suspicion behind his back. at this age, too, he started to explore himself and understand what was going on.

he went on several dates. none of them went very well and because of that he decided to give dating a break.

at the age of eighteen, he came out to some of his friends. he told only those he could trust and (especially) those who would remain neutral about it. it wasn't an easy thing to do. but he was glad he did.

eversince then, he has been curious of what it was like to be different. articles, news, stories related to him caught his interest and he started reading extensively on the subject matter. he searched for people whom he can talk to and help him understand better. the more he got to know about it, the more at peace he becomes. and he stopped giving reasons and excuses to himself. he started embracing them.

he didn't know that by meeting people and letting himself into "the circle" would make any difference. initially, he lust over the men he talked to. now, he could talk to them casually. it gave him a very good feeling.

taking in what is different is never easy. but that's the hardest part.

(if only his family has the same thinking. he would've let them in a lot sooner.)

ps: this is my first time telling the story public

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