it is called "not taking it to heart"

i have been thinking.

i was thinking about who i am and how i am to other people. i don't know how they see me and i'm quite curious to know.

this is why: i am the guy that no one invites to birthday parties, gatherings, or just for company. it truly and deeply saddens and devastates me that i'm left out from all those. it made me wonder who am i to them?

am i a friend or just some person they know? have i done enough or nothing at all? or do they think i'm too busy with other people or the things i do? i don't know, honestly. and i would like to, if i could.

i guess it's because i've chosen not to actively go out and force such things (friendships / relationships). this is who i am. i don't want to change it. i don't want to be someone else anymore. it's taken me very long to understand myself and who i can be. i am comfortable.

after saying this, i feel...nothing. because i've gone through this before and i've learnt to comfort myself by saying that hey! i got me! *smiles (and i genuinely smile)

so, if it doesn't bother me then why am i making it (sound) as such? because i wanted to let it out and make it incumbent to feel guilty (because this is what it's all about).

it makes me feel guilty that i'm not spending more time with other people. it makes me feel guilty they don't feel like they matter to me. it makes me feel guilty i don't make them feel i matter to them. it makes me feel guilty that i put myself down by intrepidly telling my inferior self i am not good enough a friend. it makes me feel guilty i am worth-less than their other friends. it makes me feel guilty how i undercut myself. so it has got to stop. i am stopping this right now.

not everything is about friends. not everything is about the outside and the extension of myself. i am an actor (and i can now call myself an actor). i have a job, and that is to unattached my emotions.

i am feeling better. i don't have to take it to heart unless i want to anyway. it is a choice. and i choose.