Sunday, 30 December 2007

Holding back

"No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you"
"No One"
-Alicia Keys

I'm holding back. I have to I guess. It's not acceptable to let everything go. And tell everyone.

Though "no one can can in the way of what I feel for you", a barrier still exist. Don't ask. You know.



Saturday, 22 December 2007


Happiness is a state. We are either in or not. You cannot be “kinda” happy. There’s no grey line in which Happiness spans. It’s like the boundary between a genius and a nutcase – not vague yet confusing. It’s like a space that spills into another sometimes, but not much. Just a little portion. Small enough to be rendered as negligible.

Neither can Happiness be bought. It has no value tagged to it in the first place. It’s priceless. However, in this materialistic and labeling world something like Happiness that cannot be measured is forced upon a number. It has to be have a limit that’s tangible for everyone to see. One, two, three hundred are still numbers. They are some of the common numbers people use to price Happiness.

People like to label. Not all of course, just some irritating ones. Little do they know how difficult they have made living for some people. Yes it does help on identification. But having an identity that can be used against you isn't favourable. Who likes it when you're ostracised?

This is the consensus I get from the research I've done on AIDS victims. And this is also the message Aids Anthology and The Life of Vannessa - a double bill production that I AM IN which will run on the 18th and 19th of January at Tampines East CC (near the now no longer standing Ngee Ann Sec Sch building) hope to send across. It's in conjunction with the World AIDS Day campaign.

Your support is greatly appreciated.

Love ya'll

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

Don't stop me when I'm high

I'm high. On excitement, I think that's what it is. You see the day after I published the last post I felt better.

Su- Thank you for the message you wrote on my c-box. Though we didn't speak, your reply was enough. It's good to be reassured.
Iqah- Thanks for the support.

Kent- Thank you for being there as well. =)

Speaking of whom, I spent the evening with him just now. So yes...sorry Yi Han and Aisyah for turning down our triple dinner date.

We caught up on some stuffs. Finally, had some quality time with him. You see the thing about him is that he's like a prophet-like individual. He's really strong - both morally and aurally. I feel so good being with him. He has this infectious good energy that easily diffused into you. Not that other people don't have but I don't why [it's one of those thing you can't explain but simply accept] we can click really well. He's like a soulmate. Ok people, open your mind here. I don't need more narrow-minded suakus. It's a connection. I feel so honoured to simply have known him. He's a buddy lah to put it simply.

One that's so close that - for comfort of conventialist/traditionalist - if he's a guy and I'm a girl, marrying him would be violating the cosmic rights of Nature. Not because of the platonic nature of our relationship - speaking of which I think that when the word 'platonic' is used, the word 'romance' comes closely after hence platonic t'would not be a good and apt word but it stays for now, maybe brotherly would be a good substitute, hmmm...anyway - and that it has to remain that way till like forever which like defeats the purpose of marriage [you get married to have sex what no meh?], but because marrying him would be derogatory to me as a person. It's marrying Alcmena. Hahak, for the lack of a better allusion. But apt though. Very the apt. Hahak...

I love him. No, not the romantic kind of love. It's the friendship kind of love: a kind of love that binds Man together. A kind that's the strongest of its kind. The one which I personally believe, to a large extent, forms the fundamental of all kinds of love, 'cause with friendship love forms other kinds of love e.g. romantic love. Agree?

Whatever lah eh. Me always crapping like chicken backside non-stop. I leave it as it is. So till later...

Love ya'll, =)

Saturday, 15 December 2007


i am an emotional being. very emotional actually. tht means if i'm feeling angry or sadness, it gets amplified quite easily. i don't know if this are natural or made up. as in i made these drama in my life and cause this emo freak to roam the world, oblivious to many. i realised this after reflecting a lil on myself.

i used to talk to this person who's life is full of drama. i was on the person's side because of friendship. i listen to what the person has to say. lamenting. brooding. spilling all the pain inside that the person might not show.

"I understand that THERES some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you"

i was there for the person often. we got closer of course. so we share many things. the person knows me well. and i know the person. it was a good friendship. one which i didn't know i'd have. but as time passes, i realised how the person tends to spin simple matters into something big till it becomes a drama. and when it gets too big, the person will seek my help. i didn't know why i didn't see these in the first place. it was ovious how blinded i was. and i blame myself for this.

because if i accept wht the person said means i'm in agreement with the person.

"Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me"

and this is prolly because i yearn for such drama myself. now why would i want this? why do i want to get trap in such unnecessary mess?

because i wanted attention. i dread being in the background at all times. to be present but not notice. yes me. yes i was the kid tht not many people wanted to take notice of cause i'm a boring person. or maybe something more. i don't know why i was alone most of the time. i do have friends. a few. but i wanted more. i envied those who are popular. the kid who has all the attention. the kid tht many take noticed of. why couldn't anyone see me?

was it because i am a sissy? a pusy? an effiminate bastard? an embarrassment? an irritant? an annoyance? an apathetic child? why can't people see me? and talk to me? strike a conversation with me? how much of a social outcast am i? was i diseased for being effiminate? is being gay a biological PROBLEM? like tumour? or AIDS? am i cancerous? why wasn't i taken seriously? i was mocked. bullied. picked on. made fun of. like a freak.

torture. torment. turmoil. stress. suicide. pain. agony. horrid. red. black. grey. epidermic.

well...guess it's pointless letting all these out now. the damage done. the embarrasment felt. the molestation forgotten. kept in silence. but i'll never forget. i'll never forget wht he did. he thinks he is living his life peacefully. tht i have forgotten wht had happen. as if it was a dream tht disappeared. buried deep within. never will be unearthed. but the story continues. once was bad. twice? thrice?

events in childhood shape the adults they become. how can i blame myself for wht happened? was i aware of wht's wrong? morally wrong? or acceptable? so who should i blame? put the blame on me? easy. pointing fingers? denial.

so now i am the person i become. a melodramatic ruzaini. a sad and pessmistic ruzaini. be positive?

when you slipped into depression and afraid of telling others about it - people laugh when you tell them - would you dare?

These streets remind me of quicksand (quicksand)
When your on it you'll keep goin down (goin down)
And there's no one to hold on too
And there's no one to pull you out
You keep on fallin (falling)
And no one can here you callin
So you end up self destructing
On the corner with the tuli on the waist tight just got outta the bing doin stay time
Teeth marks on my back from the canine
Dark Memories of when there was no sunshine
Cause they said that I wouldn't make it (I remember like yesterday)
Holdin on to what god gave me

Cause thats the life when ur
Living in the (ghetto)and
Eating in the (ghetto)or
Sleeping in the (ghetto) (ghetto)
Cause thats the life when ur
Living in the (ghetto)and
Eating in the (ghetto)or
Sleeping in the (ghetto, ghetto, ghetto)

[verse two]
No need to cherish luxuries (cause everythin' come and go)
Even the life that you have is borrowed (Cause your not promised tomorrow)
So life your life as if everydays' gon be your last
Once you move forward can't go back
Best prepare to remove your past
Cause ya gotta be willin to pray

There gotta be (there gotta be) a better way oh
Yea ya gotta be willing to pray
Cause there gotta be (there gotta be) a better day (ay)
Whoever said that this drama would stop today
A lot of niggers dead or locked away
Teenage Women growing up with aids

Cause thats the life when your
Living in the (ghetto) oh
Eating in the (ghetto) or
Sleeping in the (ghetto, ghetto)
Thats the life when ur
Living in the (ghetto)oh
Eating in the (ghetto) or
Sleeping in the (ghetto, ghetto, ghetto)

Gun shots every night in the (ghetto)
Crooked cops on sight in the (ghetto)
Every day is a fight in the (ghetto)
(oh oh oh oh oh)
Got kids to feed in the (ghetto)
Selling coke and weed in the (ghetto)
Every day somebody bleed in the (ghetto)
(oh oh oh oh oh)

Thats the life when your
Living in the (ghetto)oh
Living by the (ghetto)oh
Eating in the (ghetto, ghetto)
Thats the life when your
Living in the (ghetto)oh
Sleeping in the (ghetto)
Living in the (ghetto, ghetto, ghetto)


Akon -Ghetto

it's hard being happy. i cannot find the vibe. i refuse to get the vibe rather. i'd rather wallow in self-pittance and self-destruct. it's a typical teenage angst. but i know better. i know better. is this always why i'm always complaining? brooding? getting attention? kent has been telling me to be happy. life's too short. but if i have no reason to live for, why try so hard?

i do not live in a ghetto. yet ghetto is written all over it.

i'm pessimistic. i've nothing to live for. i no longer enjoy acting. dancing. chilling with friends. going out to have a life. there's so much in my mind tht i want to let go.
i want to let go.
i want to let go.
i want to let go.

someone. anyone. please help me. please. please. i'm emotionally unstable. i kid you not. i don't know how much more do i need to emphasise the severity of my condition. i think i need closure. i might need closure. from past wounds. from something. something intangible. right now i feel empty. spiritually empty. lost. confused. darken. restless. like a ghost...

Too much

I realised that my last entry was dated 09/12/2007. That's...about a week ago! Don't worry. It's not that my life has gone boring. Instead the opposite is true. It's very...can't grasp a word for it!

For the whole week, there has been nothing but drama and excitement coupled with funky and crazy happenings that made me live. There were way too much that happened. Way too much.

For one, I confessed to Benji about how I felt about him. I was transparent about the issue that's gnawing me. One which I can only tell others this much. I didn't know what I was doing rather yet it felt apt and right. And proper. Benji if you're reading this, you know what I'm talking about.

And the reason behind me telling Benji has got something to do with what happened in camp. Something life-changing; and instilled so much fear in me. Fear of losing a friend. It was surreal and traumatising. If what I had pictured in mind trully happened, I'd be lying in bed. Fate has a funny way of giving you a wake up call. If what I had imagined had happened, I'd lost Kent. Like lose him cause he...I shan't say it. It's so fucking painful, so painful to have it in mind. And I shan't wrte it either for fear of it coming true. My heart literally stop for two beats when I first heard the news. I really thought and believe I'd lost kent: my confidant and buddy. A true buddy. I think I would have died spiritually. This is so melodramatic but try to think about it in this line: you lost your dad to a road accident. How'd you feel? Take the pain and grief and concentrate it to one part of your heart. It is akin to that feeling.

Just now Shai had a post-production party. It was fun, meeting people whom you've not seen for a few weeks. We camwhored and ate and caught up with things. Too many to talk about but my eyes are too droopy.

So it's heading to bed for me. Yourself? Where are you heading off to? Whichever way, just be careful. Never underestimate safety. NEVER! Cause if you do, you'll LITERALLY LOSE someone that you care for so much. Till then...

Love ya'll

Sunday, 9 December 2007


Today Miss Hartini - my JC civic tutor - got married. I went lah of course. She looked so gorgeous. It was a simple wedding. I also met up with my former JC classmates. Not much changes I noticed. One difference is that they're now smarter than me...haiz...sobs...hahak. Ok, moving on. Oh yes, will upload the pictures on later date. No mood to do it now. Sorry. =)

Then went out with Shafiq from my camp. It's so whatever lah Bugis. Nothing appealed to me so much so that I want to buy something. I had no intention of buying anything but would pay for something if it's worth my money. Sadly, nothing. Maybe it's not that sad cause...

I went shopping at Guardian instead! Hahak. Not a likely place to shop right? But hey, shopping for stuffs to make you look good is always therapeutic, regardless of what it is that you shop for - clothes, accessories, skin products, etc. Of the things I bought, about 80% are Nivea products, 19% L'Oreal and the last 1% from Scholl. Hahak.

I love Nivea Visage products lah. They're the only range that works for my skin I realised. I just bought the "Aqua Sensation" cream. And the "Deep Oil Control" cleanser works for me. I can't wait to see the results. =)

Ok, till later...

Love ya'll

Saturday, 8 December 2007

The Urge

I had the urge the blog since last Thursday but cannot seem to get the stamina to log in and type. Been out till about...12ish(?) daily for the past few days. Hey I need a life OK. NS has taken up a bulk of it. So it has to be compensated. Shut up. It's my life (song "It's my life" starts playing in the background) so I can do whatever I want it and you ain't got nothing to say about it ya'll. No, no, no, no shit. No shit, no shit ya'll. Love. Peace out! -_-"

Let's cut the being Black crap. I ain't one in the first place. So here's what I wanna talk about.

The first would be my awesome night out at some salsa pub at Clarke Quay last Saturday with a few friends and strangers whom I met at Shaiful's soiree. Really good ambience and chemistry among us. Felt good chancing this cute guy (and sophisticated) who's Charlie's best friend. Damn I wish I am his kind. Hahak. But nevermind. Moving on...

The rotten week where I had to deal with an a**hole who hasn't stopped giving the whole office problem since 2 months ago. My poor chief clerk. She needs to go for counselling session soon, I think. She's been through a lot. Such traumatic experience comes by rarely in one's lifetime. She's lucky she faced them now. Finally he's posted out. Bloody chicken mcnugget! Plus other irritating things that somehow become part of my job scope. Errgh!

This conversation:

Friend: ...To answer you truthfully, you seem a little sad to me. I'm not referring to the fleeting emotion, but your outlook of life...

Me: I know I don't have a positive outlook of life in general most of the time. I myself don't know why I like to wallow in pessimism. It's just that it didn't occur to me I look sad all the time. Until you brught it up. But now that you mentioned it, as I'm typing, I'm trying to be cheerful and smile and look optimistic but I can't quite get the vibe how to. I find the environment around me very sad. Like people are putting on a facade. That's the sense I get. People are sad but they're not showing it. I for one am bad at masking that. It's ironic that I'm an actor. But I guess this is the real me: a sad and pessimistic boy...

And the way Singaporeans dress. OMG, I feel like stripping some of them and bring them to a shop to get new set of clothes lah. Some people really spoil the whole image of good brands' name. E.g. wearing Gap t-shirts with bottoms and footwear that makes the top look like they're gotten from the dump or something. Or Zara pants with some fugly looking top from the night-market. I'm not saying that stuffs at night-market are bad. Some of them are really good. BUT you MUST know how to choose and match! Don't destroy the good name of some things. If you can't, then don't wear Gap/Zara/D&G/River Island/Timberland/Ben Sherman, etc (too many to name. Can't recall all)!

And about the last entry, I said what I wanted in the third line. Don't understand? Go figure. =)

Love ya'll

Saturday, 1 December 2007


"The more the merrier " but "three is a crowd."

"You are never too old to learn " but "you cannot teach an old dog new tricks."

Two pessimistic views. Trying swapping the two phrases for each example. Does it sound better i.e. more positive?

Anyway, I wanna tell you about a few things. First is the bus ride home I experienced a few days back.

Ok, I just got back home from work. At work I was pissed at CO for making my job hard. But I can't blame him. He is afterall the Commander. That's ok. Nevermind. I'll let it pass. Then comes the wait for the bus to Yishun. Ok, this was what propelled my anger. The bus was late. And I was already irritated. The long wait simply worsen the matter. Then at Yishun, this fucking 965 was so fucking slow and so fucking late. Like really. It was 25 fucking minuts since I waited at the bus stop then the bus came. So these I should say...supposed civilise beings simply rushed to the door. Flocking like warthogs to the bus's door. At the door, they took their own fucking sweet time to board and move to the rear. Nonchalantly walking in the bus. I simply exploded! It was way beyond my limit. I started calling all, everyone, the commuters, and especially the fucking driver, cibai and fucking motherfuckers in my mind. Errgh. Fucking mongrels. Made me wait so fucking long for this stupid fucking bus that's so fucking crowded and fucking slow, and still wanna pissed me off some more!? Bloody cibai!

Then comes my conversation with Kent. I can't remember the content of our conversation (simply because I'm so bad at remembering such stuffs). But towards the end of the conversation I realised - and I told him - that I had to be insane to be sane, and to be an insane fucking horny bastard in order to understand how to not become an insane fucking horny bastard. Hahak. I actually wanted to become an insanely horny bastard! Can you believe me? Of all saints...I'm the most saint OK. Don't believe? Go check my facebook for the results of my "How evil are you?" test. Hahak.

And right now, this period, I'm confused as to who my heart goes out to. I like person A but I don't know if person A feels the same. Judging from his body language and the way our conversation goes, it's mutual. But one can never be too safe; "ignorant is [not] bliss" that's for sure. Then there's person B who is more dubious. His messages - as in more than SMS - are quite ambiguous. Though my heart is more settled for person A, person B might make his move - pardon if this sounds like somekind of fantasy action flick cause it is! Hahak - and make the matter worse as it already is. But friendship can, and some did, be exploited and abused. As in, one of the two friends crossed the "friendship line". And what happens in the end is that the two good friends are no longer acquanted anymore. That's how bad it will become. So I'm confused...

And no I'm not a dancer. I like to dance but I'm not a dancer. A dancer needs to have grace, poise, elegance, power, strength, passion. Sad to say (even more depressing for me), I don't have such qualities. I lack in probably most, if not all, of them. So I'm not going to dance for real anymore. It's embarrassing. Though hard, I must let go if this childhood dream: to be a dancer for life. So no I'm no dancer.

Love ya'll