sorry

i am an emotional being. very emotional actually. tht means if i'm feeling angry or sadness, it gets amplified quite easily. i don't know if this are natural or made up. as in i made these drama in my life and cause this emo freak to roam the world, oblivious to many. i realised this after reflecting a lil on myself.

i used to talk to this person who's life is full of drama. i was on the person's side because of friendship. i listen to what the person has to say. lamenting. brooding. spilling all the pain inside that the person might not show.

"I understand that THERES some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you"

i was there for the person often. we got closer of course. so we share many things. the person knows me well. and i know the person. it was a good friendship. one which i didn't know i'd have. but as time passes, i realised how the person tends to spin simple matters into something big till it becomes a drama. and when it gets too big, the person will seek my help. i didn't know why i didn't see these in the first place. it was ovious how blinded i was. and i blame myself for this.

because if i accept wht the person said means i'm in agreement with the person.

"Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me"

and this is prolly because i yearn for such drama myself. now why would i want this? why do i want to get trap in such unnecessary mess?

because i wanted attention. i dread being in the background at all times. to be present but not notice. yes me. yes i was the kid tht not many people wanted to take notice of cause i'm a boring person. or maybe something more. i don't know why i was alone most of the time. i do have friends. a few. but i wanted more. i envied those who are popular. the kid who has all the attention. the kid tht many take noticed of. why couldn't anyone see me?

was it because i am a sissy? a pusy? an effiminate bastard? an embarrassment? an irritant? an annoyance? an apathetic child? why can't people see me? and talk to me? strike a conversation with me? how much of a social outcast am i? was i diseased for being effiminate? is being gay a biological PROBLEM? like tumour? or AIDS? am i cancerous? why wasn't i taken seriously? i was mocked. bullied. picked on. made fun of. like a freak.

torture. torment. turmoil. stress. suicide. pain. agony. horrid. red. black. grey. epidermic.

well...guess it's pointless letting all these out now. the damage done. the embarrasment felt. the molestation forgotten. kept in silence. but i'll never forget. i'll never forget wht he did. he thinks he is living his life peacefully. tht i have forgotten wht had happen. as if it was a dream tht disappeared. buried deep within. never will be unearthed. but the story continues. once was bad. twice? thrice?

events in childhood shape the adults they become. how can i blame myself for wht happened? was i aware of wht's wrong? morally wrong? or acceptable? so who should i blame? put the blame on me? easy. pointing fingers? denial.

so now i am the person i become. a melodramatic ruzaini. a sad and pessmistic ruzaini. be positive?

when you slipped into depression and afraid of telling others about it - people laugh when you tell them - would you dare?

These streets remind me of quicksand (quicksand)
When your on it you'll keep goin down (goin down)
And there's no one to hold on too
And there's no one to pull you out
You keep on fallin (falling)
And no one can here you callin
So you end up self destructing
On the corner with the tuli on the waist tight just got outta the bing doin stay time
Teeth marks on my back from the canine
Dark Memories of when there was no sunshine
Cause they said that I wouldn't make it (I remember like yesterday)
Holdin on to what god gave me

[chorus]
Cause thats the life when ur
Living in the (ghetto)and
Eating in the (ghetto)or
Sleeping in the (ghetto) (ghetto)
Cause thats the life when ur
Living in the (ghetto)and
Eating in the (ghetto)or
Sleeping in the (ghetto, ghetto, ghetto)

[verse two]
No need to cherish luxuries (cause everythin' come and go)
Even the life that you have is borrowed (Cause your not promised tomorrow)
So life your life as if everydays' gon be your last
Once you move forward can't go back
Best prepare to remove your past
Cause ya gotta be willin to pray
Yea

There gotta be (there gotta be) a better way oh
Yea ya gotta be willing to pray
Cause there gotta be (there gotta be) a better day (ay)
Whoever said that this drama would stop today
A lot of niggers dead or locked away
Teenage Women growing up with aids

[chorus]
Cause thats the life when your
Living in the (ghetto) oh
Eating in the (ghetto) or
Sleeping in the (ghetto, ghetto)
Thats the life when ur
Living in the (ghetto)oh
Eating in the (ghetto) or
Sleeping in the (ghetto, ghetto, ghetto)

[bridge]
Gun shots every night in the (ghetto)
Crooked cops on sight in the (ghetto)
Every day is a fight in the (ghetto)
(oh oh oh oh oh)
(ghetto)
Got kids to feed in the (ghetto)
Selling coke and weed in the (ghetto)
Every day somebody bleed in the (ghetto)
(oh oh oh oh oh)
(ghetto)

[chorus]
Thats the life when your
Living in the (ghetto)oh
Living by the (ghetto)oh
Eating in the (ghetto, ghetto)
Thats the life when your
Living in the (ghetto)oh
Sleeping in the (ghetto)
Living in the (ghetto, ghetto, ghetto)

(wooohhoohh)

Akon -Ghetto

it's hard being happy. i cannot find the vibe. i refuse to get the vibe rather. i'd rather wallow in self-pittance and self-destruct. it's a typical teenage angst. but i know better. i know better. is this always why i'm always complaining? brooding? getting attention? kent has been telling me to be happy. life's too short. but if i have no reason to live for, why try so hard?

i do not live in a ghetto. yet ghetto is written all over it.

i'm pessimistic. i've nothing to live for. i no longer enjoy acting. dancing. chilling with friends. going out to have a life. there's so much in my mind tht i want to let go.
i want to let go.
i want to let go.
i want to let go.

someone. anyone. please help me. please. please. i'm emotionally unstable. i kid you not. i don't know how much more do i need to emphasise the severity of my condition. i think i need closure. i might need closure. from past wounds. from something. something intangible. right now i feel empty. spiritually empty. lost. confused. darken. restless. like a ghost...