Monday, 26 November 2007
It's been a very long while. so i dun think i'm gonna bother abt my capital letter at the beginning kinda shit. it's past history. this is the new english. accept it.
goodnesss...eversince my freaking comp contracted avian flu or sth...it just died on me! it just died on me lah! fucking hell sak. really annoyingly frustrating hellish mongrel son a bitchy bastard gunny bitch bitch! i couldn't blog...
now why the hell am i so into the fact tht i cannot blog? well course this blog is my outlet for most of the crap tht's gg on in my life. it's a channel where frustrations and good news are spread. my news lah of course. blog abt other people for wht sak. it's not like they dun have a blog of their own.
oh my goodness this is like better than sex lah. it's beyond orgasmic. it's subliminal! and i have all these creative ideas tht i cant pen down...hey i am creative ok. in my own kinda way. pretty much like izie from grey's anatomy kinda hardcore. not christina yang kinda hardcore...you get me? if you dun. then it's ur loss. who asked you to not watch grey's anatomy. there are so many life issues u can draw from watching it. all very the pertinent.
first i'd like to bitch abt ma'am balwant. she is this person who likes to nag and nag and nag and nag and make so much noise tht i swear one day my ears will literally bleed. she's such a petty old woman who prolly doesnt know when to shut up or have lost some form of humanity or sth. my goodness i tell u...she can continue talking, no make tht harping, on an issue for hours non-stop! she's forever talking. and damn irritating. really damn irritating. we all bitch abt her. all the nsfs. she's bitchable. omg...and when she put on this australian-slash-american-slash-british-slash-irish-slash-french-slash-german-slash-slash-singaporean-slash-god knows what accent, thinking it makes her sound more sophisticated...my eyes can roll 360 and pop out! and with the accent comes the poses. the supposed sexy menaquin poses. she's eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
god i wanna slash her into pieces and tape her mouth a few million times. then throw her in a dungeon and lock the doors and throw away the keys. she's getting on my nerves. no make tht everyone's nerves. everyone in th office tht is.
secondly, i finally manage to catch cars the animated series. omg...it's so fun and best lah. like so the va-va-vroom kind. it's so good. for all ages. from the young schumacher wannabe to the old politician, it covers tht wide an age group. it made me feel like a kid again. and see things from a different light. it's like i've been born again. with stickers onto me to make me look beautiful and gorgeous. hahak. pelez...i'm already an atas diva. adding more stuff will destroy my beauty.
pls pls pls people READ! ok...read. here are some books you might wanna pick up and r ead: nuns and soldiers and under the net. both by iris murdoch. and also all the margaret atwood books u can find in singapore - which is actually very little. abt 30% only. no kidding. i did the math. pathetic right singapore?
under the net, the book tht i'm reading now, is basically abt languages. omg...u can like immediately feel smarter just by reading the book. and of course when u feel smarter, u will eventually become smarter. we all shud be like the 294 girl. i think she'll top tht chart for centuries to come lah. crazy sia. 294??? it's totally insane. she's insane. she just need to cross tht fine line before she can be safely deemed as insane. right now she's very very very close to line, on the genius side. heh. dont be angry. i not saying anything. just complimenting only. hehehehehehe.
and oh i watched the pillowman. omg, omg, omg. great, awesome, wonderful, impactful, intensive, subliminal, powerful play. i was blown away sak. martin macdonagh shud be a celebrated writer. it's no wonder the pillowman is the olivier winner for best play in 2004. the plot was the finest u can fine anywhere. thank u SRT for staging it. i must say tht personally i like the character michal plyed by michael corbidge - who's the associate director of SRT and the artistic director for the young company. michal is spastic. so tht makes him endearing. i was totally drawn into the character. and here's the best part: when michael corbidge came on stage, i really thot he was spastic. he's embodiment of the character was so great lah. he sure did justice to michal, as in the character, and the play. before he came on...i was thinking in my mind how is michael gonna play michal when u have so little room to play with. damn i was wrong. i was so wrong. kudos michael. i love u. u're my next hero!!!
and i've been dating of course. haiya i think i'm gonnabe asexual lah. i dun seem to be attracted to girls. now even gman dun turn me on. only str8 ones does. u know wht tht means. i'm in deep crap! like seriously man. first, it's impossible tht me and those str8 men gonnabe bfs. 2ndly, there's no secondly! the first rule trumps all. so wht do i do? i become their good friends. yeah sure i wont tell them i like them u crazy bitches. they'll flip and i g'll get shun lah. duh. so no no no no no no telling them. just befren them. and try to get closer. after all, frenship last longer than romantic relationship. the latter will fade when the affestion and attraction subsides. sighs...but dun worry. i'm keping it platonis. platonic. it's a good word. it's an apt word. i like the word. no love it. adore it. no matter how fucking painful it is to live by the truth. but the truth hurts. so feel pain. then move on. fuck. tht's so much, so so so so so much easier said than done. haiya...how? how? how? how to tell this guy tht i like him? he's so str8 lah. str8 as the eiffel tower can be. omg, i cant believe i use sth tht looks like a phallic symbol to descride. tho i must say it's apt to use it. but stilll....no no no no. lusting can. touching no. dilemma. totally. damn yall. damn.
life's a bitch. yes it's a persona. i'm making it tangible. coz by doing so i'm stripping it of its powers. i can now see it and touch it. so tht means i can inflict pain to it just like how it has done so to0 me. in this world, being vindictive is a survival tool. it's a dog eat dof world. see even the common proverbial phrase uses canine. can't blame me for calling life a bitch. coz it, no she's one. hahahahak. i am in control of it. yeah yeah whteva wit the whole "destiny" and "fate" thing. if u can change ur fate, hell the paradox says for itself. it means ur current "fate" is not ur true fate. it's ur made up fate. u just lied to urself. delude urself. make urself believe tht its real when the truth is tht it's otherwise. dun understand? go figure.
now to blog abt benji. benji is this guy whom i met earlier this year. he's swet and sensitive. but then again, which men aren't for the first few times u guys meet? but not benji. benji is genuinely a nice person. i did love him but it's not reciprocated. damn u monkey! but it's cool. hey i cried, or rather i wallow in sadness when he left for australia to see his family. and when he came back and told me tht he has returned...it's like my world can finally spin on its own axis. pathetic right? shut up. so i did try to work sth out wit him. but he being the older, hence more experience said tht it wud never be possible between us. well he did try to get me a few times but i was dating some other people. i guess he finally decides to stop trying cause i keep turning him. and when i finally want him, i got dump. serve me right. i'm a loser anyway. hahak. so i always lose lor. simple bah? so we're now frens. i do confide in him on certain things. and he did say he didnt have a best fren in s'pore. i dun ind filling in tht post. aftre all, wud tht mean i'll forever be in his life, just skirting outside the sex-kissing-touching circle part of his life. cool kan?
and i'm so sorry izzy, astri and syaza for standig up on our night out together. i had other stuff to do. i mean they asked me out first lah. but sth last minute came up and i had to switch priority. well...i'm sure my status as their bestie wud have dropped to prolly acquantance but wht to do? it's my punishment for doing wht i did. and i know tht no matter how hard i try to say sorry, it will still not change the fact tht i stood up our date. i dun have a golden compass u know tht can turn back time.
speaking of which, i wanna watch the golden compass. i think it's gonnabe a good show ah. got nicole kidman wht...hahak...my favourite actress. damn she's so good! i love her to bits! ok so i had to do the 14-yr-old girl thing kinda description to get my point across. so wht? i got my point across. and tht's the point. =)
and also stardust. i am legend. for plays....oh ya come and support yazid jalil from YCP in I,Bose which will run on the 8th and 9th of Dec at the substation. tickets cost $20. and can be bought at the guiness counter, which is at the substation counter. ok fine so i did publicise abt others...big deal. it's not like i aint human: fickle and imperfect. sish...
as for my play, or rather the play tht i'll be in...it'll be on the 19th of JAN 2008! it's a double bill for the world aids day. come and root for me aigt? it'll be at the tampines east cc at 7.30pm. tickets...i'll keep u updated on tht one. =)
omg...i sure blog on a lot of stuffs right? cant help it if i like to write. and so filled with ideas. it's just me. dun be jealous. cant believe i was typing zealously lah...hahahak. tht's it for now people. till later. ciao!
Sunday, 18 November 2007
- "The Cowgirl Position"! - You take life as it comes and believe the best path is the path of least resistance. You might be claustrophobic and you definitely value the freedom of your limbs. You love to see and to touch, mostly the front of things. You're good at multitasking. You are probably IMing while taking this quiz.
- "The Guru"! - When it comes to the bedroom, you know everything. From how to please your mate to feng shui-ing the dresser, you could teach a seminar. And maybe you do. For you, sex is about the experience, which you're liable to have had over and over and over. Be proud, this is clearly the coolest answer in this quiz. Unless you lied to get to this answer, then be very ashamed.
- In need of "The Guru"! - You need someone who knows their way around the bedroom. And the living room floor. And the backseat of a Volkswagon. The point is that you are looking for an experienced lover to take you to the next level. Most importantly, you don't want someone you have to teach. Though with the level of experience in the room, some teacher-student role-playing wouldn't be out of the question.
I'm a Guru? Me, a Guru?
Imagine me talking to you about sex and relationships? Ok fine. You can talk to me about sex - though I've never done it before but I think I can think of something. This mind is built for pleasing others...
Tip one: In doubt, "Ride that 'bull' yall. Yeehaa! Yeehaa!"
Tip two: Can't find love? Are you sure you're attracted to the right "hole"?
Hahak. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. What such vice I'm preaching to the young kids reading this entry. Shame on you kids. Don't your parents teach you anything?
Kinky issues aside (wait let me stop saluting first)...damn I can't. The picture of that salesperson from NewUrbanMale is still in my head.
I guess I'm living a sad life. Well it's not that tragic. I still have friends and families. By sad I mean I chose to live by what's been laid down for me simply because I'm down on luck this period. I should just "shut up and drive."
Ok digress a lil here, does any of you people think that song "Shut Up and Drive" has a strong sexual connotations and innuendos? I know I think so.
I'm not exactly on good terms with Mom. I snapped at her a few times. She got mad, lashed me a scolding, and I ignored or raised my voice at her (evil right? I know. Kids don't learn this from me. I'm the embodiment of vice!). So we seldom talk. Dad chose to keep it cool with me. We hardly talk. My brother is the one whom I talk to the most. Even so we don't share many secrets either. My sister is too young to understand. So I confide in friends. Hence if you realised I wrote "friends" before "families" in the paragraph above. It's a teenage thing I guess.
I need my life back. I can't believe I let money control me when I'm supposed to be the master. Money makes a bad master. Down boy!
Ok...this is weird. I run out of things to write about. Well I guess when I think of something I write it lor.
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
Yet despite your best attempt to be strong, to push it all out you eventually cave in. You give up fighting for your own happiness. You no longer find it worth fighting with your emotions. It's best that you let it all out. I cannot share this with my friends when I'm face-to-face with them. I think it's better I let it out somewhere, tackle this on my own and not trouble others.
And I'm a coward, not to mention a failure. Someone who failed to achieve what he has hoped for. I am not good. I am NOT good at anything I want to be good at. Why? Why can't I even after trying so hard? Why cry when it brings no resolution? Why Ruzaini? WHY?!
I'm sucha coward that I used "you" instead of "I" to tell my tales. My tales. My stories. My pain. My displeasure. My failure. Instead I place a persona before me, using "you" as my shield. I'm not even man enough to go through all this on my own.
I just want to stop time. I want time to stop; even for a moment. No make that as long as I want. Lamenting over this...this...this...something needs time. Let me wallow in this please. Please.
It's a pain I've never felt before. It seems to hurt more than physical pain. It's not just pain over the break-up. It's a pain that stems from my strong inhibition for perfection - that flawless condition/state that you're in.
I am so imperfect. From head to toe I'm made to look beautiful but imperfect. It's probably a formula to make me realise the reality. I have tried to keep it up. I have done what I can. I have been holding up the caving wall. Putting up with my nuisances.
But right now...right now...right now...I'm gonna drive a dagger through me. Let it pierce me slowly. Sinking deeper and with every tick of the clock.
I cannot help but falling for this "person" of whom I recently met but telling "the person" how I truly feel will jeopardise our friendship and I hate for that to happen. It's been good as it is. It's better to keep it that way. I must keep it that way - professional and platonic - no matter how much I want more from it. So I'm gonna dismiss it as mere infatuation, and the occasional lust as superficial. And as what others would say,"move on (with your god damn life!)."
Though hard, I'll try. If I can't I'll remain at status quo. It's still unsafe to carry on.
Saturday, 10 November 2007
But then again I wannabe a balanced person (it's bad enough my sexuality is imbalanced by my prerogative) so I tend to slip in and out of mat and sophisticated man lingo during my conversations with people (of the same frequency of course, remember diva!). And in the midst of it all, this came to mind:
1. My passion is music. My interest is dance. My life is acting.
2. With boredom comes great creativity.
I don't know how the fuck such corny slogan came to mind but I like them. And you know what I also like? Arguments. Only productive and quality discussions please. I ain't a dumb blond. I'm a sharp-tongued caramel (when I feel like it la).
Just now in camp Adam said,"There's a reason why patients are called as such. You need patience to deal with them." Ok fine so I accept the pun and wordplay. Cool. Creative. But I will not treat the two as the same. But he insisted that the two can be treated as similar.
First of all, they are two different nouns thus that would strike as the first stark difference. One is a tangible noun and the other is intangible. Though he's argument is valid - there's a possibility that one word caused the meaning of the other to conjure - the fundamental remains: they are not of the same object. They don't even share the same spelling. That's one irrevocable fatal flaw.
But he insisted. I gave him the same argument. I find no reason to provide others if he can't get the main reason I gave. I even wondered if he understood the crux of our conversation. Hahak.
Finally he said,"You should never mess with Mass Com students."
I rest my case. =)
I actually long for a conversation whereby I can dice the issue to its finest possible state, just to get the understanding right. And it's kinda fascinating (when you hold it with someone who knows the subject matter well). But I must admit some challenges are harder to beat than others. These are the kinds that made me sharper. Ironic but true.
So I may be a polyglot; rather I long to be one. But most of the time I'll stick to one language. 'Cause it finally come to my understanding that not everyone can understand me. I need to fine tune the frequency a lil most of the time. But sometimes it's good not changing: too lazy.
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
Sunday, 4 November 2007
I thought about how it had been for me thus far. I thought about the things I did, do and maybe doing. I thought about the way I carried myself. I thought about the love life. I thought about work. I thought about my past, present and probable future. I thought about the people whom I have met. I thought about the clothes I wore, wear and maybe wearing. I thought about me.
I had a helluva time thinking, and reflecting.
What made me think has got to do with what happened today. It somehow inspired me to think.
I went out with a cute Swiss guy just now for lunch, ice-cream and shoe shopping, whom I met no more than 3 days ago. He is a good friend. And maybe a good boyfriend. But he's here on an exchange programme. He told me about his travelling experience. The under-developed and developing countries that he went to. He's quite a traveller. So though I had hoped for something more, I knew I had to be realistic i.e I could only get his friendship. But I'm cool. 'Cause I also found out that I needed this...break...so to speak from a lot of things that have been toying at the back of my mind.
One of which is my constant yearning for that special someone. I have gone on an almost crazy hunt for that special someone. I made myself vulnerable so that made me more susceptible to be hurt. By myself of course. I made myself vulnerable 'cause I figured that by letting my guard down I can meet that special someone with less difficulty. I became someone whom I didn't know I ever could be: a Pathetic.
I became a Pathetic. I don't know why I'm rushing to get a loved one when I'm only 19. And most guys don't want a boyfriend that young. 'Cause they're too immature. I could see myself crumbling and yet do nothing about it. I fell together. I simply cannot understand the rush and urge that I made. In the end, I became a mess. A beautiful piece of Mess.
Florian's reply to my message - "You're not seeking love right? You just want friendship right?" - stop, or maybe pause, time so that I can have the space to think. I never knew I needed that. I'm still getting over Fadzeel, and I know I shouldn't be in another relationship, but I kept flirting and enjoying the attention.
(pardon the brutal honesty. You can stop reading if you want to.)
It's getting out of my system and I think I should let it all seep out at its own comfortable pace. There is no way I can rush it. It'll only worsen. And that would leave me more devastated. I am devastated. He was my first and letting go aint easy. It first felt like you've been ripped apart and now it's healing. The wound is healing. Meanwhile, I shouldn't be doing anything that would be counter-productive.
I cannot escape work. We all need to work. Work is what keep us going. Work was what made think less of Fadzeel. Work was what made me want to flirt to get rid of the stress. Work was what I called a Life-Resuscitator. Work kept me going. Work is everything. But I loathe Work.
I caught another run of The Devil Wears Prada on Star Movies just now, just what I needed. It was a perfect movie to be screened. I couldn't ask for anything else for that second. I simply couldn't. Yet I was given. God works in ways I can never get.
How do you put two opposite poles together without making them repel? How can I read a book without looking at the words? How can you see that ever present fine line? How can I love God when I feel like loathing him sometimes? How can I justify my faith when I am lost? How am I going to tell my parents the truth, and live with the consequences? How can I be a son, husband, father and lover? How am I going to face God when I die? How am I going to be when I'm old? How can I be a butterfly?
That pretty little insect that flutters from flower to flower, sucking up the sweet nectar while helping plants to reproduce, and be adored by many for its beautiful colourful wings and feel emancipated.
Saturday, 3 November 2007
Just a sidetrack, I'd like to appeal to my peers and friends please cast me for a role closer to my age range. It's daunting being old. Thanks. =)
So meanwhile, I decide to facebook, blog and watch Teen Titans.
(for the record Teen Titans is my favourite cartoon show to date. I just couldn't watch it 'cause of work. It's good that now I have the time to get a sneak at it. And I think I'm gonnabe a lil late later, all in the name of yayness!)
There's something about Teen Titans that I find it worth watching. To me, it's not like any ordinary cartoon shows that's filled with stupid jokes and slapstick humour. Though Powerpuff girls can be considered in the same league, to a considerable extent, I still prefer Teen Titans.
Putting their superpowers aside, Robin, Starfire, Raven, Cyborg and Beastboy are simply youths who have this crazy idea that they can save the world.
If they hadn't had superpowers they would probably have formed an international youth group with the help of UNICEF and Angelina Jolie to organise activities that can benefit the youths from around the world - getting away from drugs, teenage pregnancies, looting, HIV.
It's an international government for youths by youths.
If you're asking why am I suddenly into this - and so passionately add that - is because I'm part of a youth theatre group called YellowChair Productions (YCP for short) who are out to connect youths from all walks of life to get together and bring about something productive for all. Headed by Shaiful - our Artistic Director - we devise plays that are pertinent to our society. It's the least we can do. It's fun anyway.
And on a more personal level, I'm just participating in the activities that are relevant to me, including supporting local talent. I got into the vibe when I went to the Singapore Art Cafe with Shaiful for an open jamming session yesterday.
And that's where I met Li Ann and Gena. Gena is a friend of Charlie who decided to drop by after Shaiful invited him since he's in the area afterall. It's totally cool how total strangers can simply click as if we've met for quite some time. I guess it's called "being in the same frequency." And Li Ann was the one who told me about the local music scene. From what I see and hear, they are promising.
And now I'm more interested in the local scene. They are very good. And I strongly encourage all of you to attend these gigs. You can get to more about it through my facebook, under the "group" section.
How to get there?
- Go to www.facebook.com
- Type Muhammad Ruzaini
- Go and search what I told you too: Singapore Art Cafe (for a start)
So it's youth and local scene for me now. I wanna learn more. It's just fascinating. =)