Butterfly

I had time to think just now - under the shower (I know, it's unglam so move on). And so I think.

I thought about how it had been for me thus far. I thought about the things I did, do and maybe doing. I thought about the way I carried myself. I thought about the love life. I thought about work. I thought about my past, present and probable future. I thought about the people whom I have met. I thought about the clothes I wore, wear and maybe wearing. I thought about me.

I had a helluva time thinking, and reflecting.

What made me think has got to do with what happened today. It somehow inspired me to think.

I went out with a cute Swiss guy just now for lunch, ice-cream and shoe shopping, whom I met no more than 3 days ago. He is a good friend. And maybe a good boyfriend. But he's here on an exchange programme. He told me about his travelling experience. The under-developed and developing countries that he went to. He's quite a traveller. So though I had hoped for something more, I knew I had to be realistic i.e I could only get his friendship. But I'm cool. 'Cause I also found out that I needed this...break...so to speak from a lot of things that have been toying at the back of my mind.

One of which is my constant yearning for that special someone. I have gone on an almost crazy hunt for that special someone. I made myself vulnerable so that made me more susceptible to be hurt. By myself of course. I made myself vulnerable 'cause I figured that by letting my guard down I can meet that special someone with less difficulty. I became someone whom I didn't know I ever could be: a Pathetic.

I became a Pathetic. I don't know why I'm rushing to get a loved one when I'm only 19. And most guys don't want a boyfriend that young. 'Cause they're too immature. I could see myself crumbling and yet do nothing about it. I fell together. I simply cannot understand the rush and urge that I made. In the end, I became a mess. A beautiful piece of Mess.

Florian's reply to my message - "You're not seeking love right? You just want friendship right?" - stop, or maybe pause, time so that I can have the space to think. I never knew I needed that. I'm still getting over Fadzeel, and I know I shouldn't be in another relationship, but I kept flirting and enjoying the attention.

(pardon the brutal honesty. You can stop reading if you want to.)

It's getting out of my system and I think I should let it all seep out at its own comfortable pace. There is no way I can rush it. It'll only worsen. And that would leave me more devastated. I am devastated. He was my first and letting go aint easy. It first felt like you've been ripped apart and now it's healing. The wound is healing. Meanwhile, I shouldn't be doing anything that would be counter-productive.

I cannot escape work. We all need to work. Work is what keep us going. Work was what made think less of Fadzeel. Work was what made me want to flirt to get rid of the stress. Work was what I called a Life-Resuscitator. Work kept me going. Work is everything. But I loathe Work.

I caught another run of The Devil Wears Prada on Star Movies just now, just what I needed. It was a perfect movie to be screened. I couldn't ask for anything else for that second. I simply couldn't. Yet I was given. God works in ways I can never get.

Sigh...

How do you put two opposite poles together without making them repel? How can I read a book without looking at the words? How can you see that ever present fine line? How can I love God when I feel like loathing him sometimes? How can I justify my faith when I am lost? How am I going to tell my parents the truth, and live with the consequences? How can I be a son, husband, father and lover? How am I going to face God when I die? How am I going to be when I'm old? How can I be a butterfly?

That pretty little insect that flutters from flower to flower, sucking up the sweet nectar while helping plants to reproduce, and be adored by many for its beautiful colourful wings and feel emancipated.

Love ya'll