Moaning

Pain is one of the greatest feeling one can ever feel I realise. Pain feeds on you, saps you of your energy, obscures your vision, and basically robs you of everything. Pain knifes through heart. Pain leaves you in solitude. Pain is a rock that you wish you wouldn't have to lean on to.

Yet despite your best attempt to be strong, to push it all out you eventually cave in. You give up fighting for your own happiness. You no longer find it worth fighting with your emotions. It's best that you let it all out. I cannot share this with my friends when I'm face-to-face with them. I think it's better I let it out somewhere, tackle this on my own and not trouble others.

And I'm a coward, not to mention a failure. Someone who failed to achieve what he has hoped for. I am not good. I am NOT good at anything I want to be good at. Why? Why can't I even after trying so hard? Why cry when it brings no resolution? Why Ruzaini? WHY?!

I'm sucha coward that I used "you" instead of "I" to tell my tales. My tales. My stories. My pain. My displeasure. My failure. Instead I place a persona before me, using "you" as my shield. I'm not even man enough to go through all this on my own.

I just want to stop time. I want time to stop; even for a moment. No make that as long as I want. Lamenting over this...this...this...something needs time. Let me wallow in this please. Please.

It's a pain I've never felt before. It seems to hurt more than physical pain. It's not just pain over the break-up. It's a pain that stems from my strong inhibition for perfection - that flawless condition/state that you're in.

I am so imperfect. From head to toe I'm made to look beautiful but imperfect. It's probably a formula to make me realise the reality. I have tried to keep it up. I have done what I can. I have been holding up the caving wall. Putting up with my nuisances.

But right now...right now...right now...I'm gonna drive a dagger through me. Let it pierce me slowly. Sinking deeper and with every tick of the clock.

I cannot help but falling for this "person" of whom I recently met but telling "the person" how I truly feel will jeopardise our friendship and I hate for that to happen. It's been good as it is. It's better to keep it that way. I must keep it that way - professional and platonic - no matter how much I want more from it. So I'm gonna dismiss it as mere infatuation, and the occasional lust as superficial. And as what others would say,"move on (with your god damn life!)."

Though hard, I'll try. If I can't I'll remain at status quo. It's still unsafe to carry on.

Love ya'll