Thursday, 26 April 2007

Will be out of the office for the time being

Due to some foreseen circumstances and duties that I have to oblige, I am sad to say that I have been asked by the authorities to be out of the office for awhile. About 2 weeks. It has come to me as a sad news as well. Don't worry, "wo ming bai." I hate to leave but I must. So do take care of yourselves people. Stay out of trouble and be strong to your faith. Don't succumbed to temptation easily. Go easy on the drinks, cigarettes and dicks.

Love y'all.

God, I could really use a turn of events now

As of the past few days, I would consider muaself as a volatile diva bitch. Why? Read the reasons that I have kindly provided, and understand from my standpoint.

1. I'm going in tomorrow at 1.30pm. National Service la, duh! And I've been trying to take a positive outlook on it. Occasional and random "good luck" from people ironically doesn't make me feel any better about my anxiety and burgeoning fear. Trying to calm down has become hard. I don't know what I am afraid of actually, which makes it more terrifying. Spot the paradox?

2. My mom has turned into a mother hen, and us-her sons- chicks! I don't mean it in that way. She now intervenes at times when my brother and I think she should not. Alamak...I just wanna shout, sream and yell at her BUT I CAN'T. I'm being very patient. I am probably the most patient person that you would have ever known-seriously. I don't raise my voice after my mom had asked me to do the bed, vacuum the house, wash the dishes, fetch my sister, blend the ingredients when all I wanted to do is to sit down and read and have an hour or two to myself. I understand that she's tired and she's too much in her mind and at hand and being the eldest, I should be able to take the shit. And that I am going university, thus explains her excitement and feeling proud. Now she has something to show the families. She actually wannabe engaging and is curious about this new life that I am venturing which she was devoid of. Mom I understand you perfectly. But you have to stop asking me "duh" questions. I really really cannot take it. It ticks me.

3. And I feel I am fathering a child. My 7 year old sister had taken up a huge bulk of my life. She has her wants. She wanna buy this, watch her shows, play some Scooby Doo, Disney's Princesses, and other cartoon games online and her homework. Not forgetting her revision work. I have to do it. Why? Cause my parennts can't and my brother is incapable. NOW YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN! I NEED MY LIFE BACK DAMMIT.

4. I have been very volatile these days because I can't vent my frustrations on anyone, or anything. They are all bottled up, frizzing. I could really just pop the cock right now and the area will see books flying out the windows, chairs broken to their finest state, the dining table in hundred pieces, and the tv in its raw state. Instead I choose to be patient and keeping it all in. I don't like to voice out when I'm mad. I'd rather let my actions speak for themselves. If I'm very silent and appears uninterested, it means that I am boiling madly. I would appreciate if I'm left alone.

5. I can't seem to get what I want- a scholarship, a new handphone, retail therapy, money and time. I just wanna read, and shop for books. Is that so hard to understand? I just need a couple of hours each day. And that someone who can simply make me simmer down just by looking at him.

God, I could really use a turn of events now.

Monday, 23 April 2007

Hrmmph let me see what I did yesterday. Oh yes...

In the afternoon I had a chat with Manu. He's a "prepare-quotations-for-expositions" french ( I don't know his profession you see and neither does he, at least what it is called in English). It started out decent. Then it decended to the realm of kinkiness where wank and cum form a major part of the topic. He has a webcam thus I can see how he looks like. The first time I saw his picture he looks like the lead singer of Coldplay. No kidding. Serious. So that would make Manu cute, hot and sexy. It went heavier and out of hand and you are not to be let in on what happened. It's personal.

Then Izyan, aka Izzy, called (spoiler- hehe). She wanted to go out. It was about to rain so I said,"Maybe some other day." She said that she can't. And me being bored and drama that I've got no more friends already (read my previous entry) went ahead with whatever plan there was. The initial idea was to watch a movie at GV Plaza. Then because I wasn't in a mood to travel that far, we went Tampines instead (as usual). Had dinner with her at this small store then off to the cinemas. If Izzy had come earlier we could have watched the 5pm show at Century Cineplex whereby we pay $8.50 for the tickets instead of $9.50 at GV Tampines which was where we watched Fracture by the way.

I personally think that it is a good movie. If the writers, director and producers had pushed the story a little more, it would have been brilliant. I would say that Fracture would be catapulted to the same league as The Da Vinci Code. Nevertheless, having a cute character, Ted, played by Anthony Hopkins, who allegedly shot his wife and a cute looking lawyer, with a boyish look, eager to switch his career from criminal law to corporate law, Willy, played by Ryan Gosling, that he became complacent and practically weaved himself into the labyrinthine situation and the lack of sex/intimate kissing scenes being complemented by many significant subtle hints and imageries make me feel good paying $9.50 for it. Of course I would pay $6.50 (at Cathay) or $7.00 (at GV) for it not because it lacks that quality but simply because it's like shopping at TopMan when there's a discount. It's twice better!

When I reached home it was about 9pm. I went online after taking a shower. I checked my email and saw this message from someone whom I don't know. He looks good and he wants to be friends. He gave his msn email and the next thing I know we were chatting like friends who have known each other before. Benji is a sweet guy. He's a teacher at the Australian International School, so that makes him an Aussie who earns more than our local teachers. I said that I too wanted to be a teacher in an international school then but I can't because they hire only foreigners. He travels a lot. He just came back from Europe last week and tomorrow he is going off to Malaysia and Thailand for a week. And before that he went somewhere lah. Well I guess if you have 13 weeks of holiday you too would wanna travel extensively. =)

I don't know if I can fall for Benji. He is nice and seems like a good person but that is what I got from my first impression of him. I remembered this person from Otis, where I had worked for a week in March, who said that unless you are married to the person and you live with the person under the same roof, you will not know about the truth of his/her characters. He said this to me and my female colleague. Still, I think it would be foolish of me to not accept this kind person into my life simply because I am afraid. Ironically, being afraid is a good sign. It means that I am moving on to something else that I am new to. Thus explains the queasiness I get when I chat with him. It was this message of his that I first became nervous: so are you looking for a bf or you just wanna have fun? I am afraid but I would like to take that step. Is this how it feels when some of you guys first get into a relationship?

But Benji and I are not together, yet. It will take a few months before we would first meet because of our timetable. I mean, I have this adorable man who is willing to wait for me and asks me to trust him even before we are together. I think he is serious. Not that I am not. It's just that it's something new I guess and because good things happen too fast I guess I'm feeling afraid maybe because I feel it's a bit of a rush. I do wanna try this life in a relationship thing and I am willing to give appropriate amount of whatever is needed to make it work. I am 19 (soon) and I think I have to break this shell and move away from this comfort zone that I have placed my ass on for a long time. I wanna bf but when he appears I feel like running away! Crazy right? Nevermind. Benji, we'll see how it goes. Please don't get the idea that I am not serious. Give me time to settle in and feel "comfortable" with you. I can't say that I love you because it's too early. But I can confidently say that I like you. =)

Love y'all.

Saturday, 21 April 2007

Die another day

Ok, once again the Almighty Lord Boredom tries to suck the living daylight out me today and toss me into the black hole where I will be doomed to live in oblivion, damned in a formidable place of no return and locked in an area as vast as the universe. A place where it is extremely impossible to find my way back home. Not even Lord Voldermatt (I think that's how the bugger's name is spelled) can save me. I will be left to search for an exit door that ceased to exit. Any effort applied on my part would be deemed futile. The more I struggle, the deeper I sink.

However, I managed to salvage myself. I didn't give in without a fierce fight. I took out my light saber (that served not only as my weapon but source of light) and fenced with Lord Boredom. I fought hard. I was wounded but I didn't concede. I was thinking of my beloved family, my loving friends and my Spiderman action figure. I retorted. I fought hard for my dear life. For my freedom. For my life.

Yes, this time it was closer. It got braver. It went for my inner mind this time (if there's such this as an inner mind but I feel that's where "it" went). It came on, creeping slowly. Grabbing my feet, holding them down so that I cannot move. Next it went for my shin then my thighs followed by my ahem ahem. I felt them getting squeezed real hard, as if they were being clamped. I wanted to let out an agonising shrill but my voice was swallowed.

I tried to move it away with my hands but the horny bugger has already grabbed hold of it. It wanted my balls all for itself. It knows that is my weakness. You conquer the ball, you conquer the man I heard It saying to itself. My balls have fallen prey to the enemy. I cannot do anything except to watch it suck them dry, helplessly. I was reaching my climax. It has ground bigger and harder, and sadly helpless. It pushes hard and strong. I went "ah, ah, ah" inside. I heard it went,"Yes! Come on. Die. Weaken." It was only then I realise that it wanted to wear me out by letting me self-destruct. I didn't want It to win but I was too late. I had reached my orgasm. Pictures went through my mind slide like a slideshow. I felt guilty. Now I am vulnerable. It can make its move.

It went straight for my mind, into the inner mind. All of my defence have faltered which makes it easier for It to take control. I could feel It winning. However just went It thought that It was winning, I took out my light saber and thus began a battle of epic proportions. What it doesn't seem to realise is that it too has weakened after being showered by the white juices that was released during my self-destruction.

(I shall spare you the details because it contain fluids that are more than blood. So not cool for kids and girls.)

And so I won in the end. Victory was mine!
Hip hip, hurray!
Hip hip, hurray!
Hip hip, hurray!

It was then it came to me the need for self defence. I cannot let Boredom overwhelmed me. Though it has lost this time round (again), it will come back for sure. This time I have Iris Murdoch' The Time of the Angels to be my shield. Each time I sensed It coming, I will take out Murdoch's book. Murdoch though you may be suffering from Alzheimer's now, you are my hero(ine) and Atwood too. I'll find The Lady Oracle and Cat's Eye soon. Once I get my hands on them, watch out Boredom. You will be dead! Muhahahahahah.

I would like to dedicate this award of victory to my friends who has managed to save my life. It was because of you guys I am able to live and tell the tale of my erotic, I mean, epic experience. Thank you guys!

Yeah right!
It's because of all you bastards and sibai I was attacked by Lord in the first place, you know? Huh. Abandon me all alone in this room with my comp and my books to keep me company. Huh. Go out with your other friends and leave me to rot at home. Huh. I have done so much for you people and this is how I get repaid? Petui! Such friends. I was there when you needed me. I was there when you guys wanted company, when all of your other "friends" abandoned you. Who stood by your side, huh? Who was there when things go wrong, huh? Me, of course! (the extravagant and great mua). Hrmmph. That's it I am leaving this world. No one cared for me anymore. All of you run away. Go stray when Tekong Resort is calling me. Nevermind. I don't care. Nevermind. Be that way! I am content being alone. Hrmmph.

Love y'all. (the "Love y'all" is not meant for certain persons I have referred above).

Quietly sobbing to myself.

Friday, 20 April 2007


I have read a few books on infidelity recently. Two of them are Whatever Love Means by David Baddiel and Life Before Men by Margaret Atwood. The thing about infedility I realise is that though it is wrong and despicable on one hand, it feels right and not sinful on the other. And I think the tragedy lies in this: one would willingly feed one's self to the temptation, despite knowing that it is wrong, so as to fill in the hollowness occupying the soul and therefore choose to the option of ignoring the consequence altogether, and allowing one's self to thrive on sins and pathos with the hope of finding some right in the wrong. I also see it as a way of self condemnation; deliberately destructing one's own set of moral beliefs and hence one's self.

It is rather sad that people choose to cheat on their partner. And the reason for them doing so varies and hard to comprehend. Atwood offers the explanation that is it due to the the social upbringing of a child. In her novel, she gave extensive and detail description of her protagonist's, Elizabeth, childhood.

Elizabeth grew up in a family where she seldom feel love. Her aunt, Aunt Muriel, is often in the picture though it is not her business to intervene. She is harsh and incorrigible. She treats almost everyone, especially her husband, badly. She wants to be in control all the time. Thus clearly explains Elizabeth lack of freedom. Hence when she found Nate, a loving and dedicated person she fell in love with him and the two of them got married. However, having met Chris she finds herself attracted to him. She feels that he can make her feel more like a woman. He can satisfy her more. She decides to have an affair with him despite having two adorable girls with Nate. She is clearly strongly attached to Chris as can be seen from her fatalistic behaviour after the death of Chris, for some unknown reason. She felt sick and unworthy most of the time. Surpringly, Nate stood by her despite knowing about the affair.

However a few years after the death of Chris, Nate found Lesje (pronounced as Lasha). Lesje is a museum curator for dinosaurs and is married to William. What first began as fling grew into deep affectionate. They began seeing each other when their spouses are not at home. It is probably Nate's way of getting his revenge on Elizabeth, but their attraction spun out of hand causing them to be entangled in a web. And when Elizabeth knows about this, she seduces William. Having only sexual relationship with him. And the four of them continue behaving as such till one day, almost simultaneously, all of them feel guilty and foolish. Nate left Lesje, after separating from Elizabeth. Elizabeth abandon her own family and seek her own solace. Lesje stayed with William, with guilt clinging on her.

In Whatever Love Means, the complexity of the love triangle of three friends and the interesting "connection between sex and death, love and loyalty" (The Times) that Baddiel tries to establish not only add to the morbidity of the story but also the realisation of their wrong doings has a profound effect on the reader more so than the characters themselves. That is probably why I felt compelled, the point that Baddiel tries to convey got to me. At the end of the story, Joe simply forgives Vic for sleeping with his wife, Emma, and passing AIDS to her though Vic is already married to Tess; instead of the wrathful vengeance we expect Joe to have for Vic. This lack of animosity between the two is, interestingly, peculiar.

Although Vic and Joe are best friends, I don't think the Joe's nonchalant take on the matter has got anything to do with their friendship. He did confront Vic after he has abduct his friend, but just so that he could get the truth. It is most probably because he realised that Emma loves Vic more, and the two of them will be seeing each other very soon. Thus he felt compelled to forgive his friend and his wife. Baddiel did give an extensive inside to Vic's background. And from it the reader can gather that Vic's character is rather weird. He has a strong sense of attraction for bikes and guitars that is almost sexual.

Hence, the other reason why people cheat on the partners is probably due to psychological reasons as well.

Nonetheless, I am no trained psychologist. And the texts I chose were not written by psychologists either. Nevetheless, just like them, I too am curious and puzzled that such unethical behaviour is done by adults who are supposedly our mentors, teachers and role models. Yet they scold teenagers for sleeping around, giving the reason that it is immoral. However, it is only a handful of those adults, and teeangers, who are guilty as charged. Still I cannot get why they have to do it albeit the reasons Atwood and Badiel have tried to put forward. I am still not convinced. I guess it's very complicated, something a youngster wouldn't understand. Can't they settle for a "menage-a-trois"?

Love y'all.

Thursday, 19 April 2007

A date with Hana, Madhan and Astri

Today is kind of a special day. Hana called me up by accident to ask if I know where Astri is cause they are going Simei to meet, together with Madhan. The thing is Madhan, Hana and Astri have not met for 8 months. And before that they used to meet quite often. But due to work and school, they cannot meet as often. And today is Astri's off-day. Hana finished work at 6pm while Madhan's done for the day. And me? I'm always free. So perfect time.

We were to meet at Eastpoint (God knows why there) at 6.45pm. But Astri was there at 5.30pm already. Since none of the other three can be there within 5 minutes, she went to pay Izyan a visit at Simei CC. I reached Simei at 6.30pm. Went to Izzy's working place to meet Astri and say hi to Izzy as well. Then about 6.45pm, me and Astri left for Eastpoint. While walking Astri told me about her sister who wants the Dorothy Perkin's membership card and that they have to spend at least $150 in a single receipt in order to be eligible to apply. So the two of them did. Met Madhan at Popular, then went Challenger cause he needs to get some stuffs for his FSV course. Hana was late so we went Banquet first. It took as quite a while to settle for a makan place. The Banquet there need work man.

Anyway, we chat and chat and catch up on what we have lost. Though I've met Hana and Madhan 2 weeks before when I invited them over to my place as my parents were out of town, we didn't run out of conversation topics. Well actually Madhan did the most talking. I did the most listening, as usual. I don't mind. I like hearing them talk.

We walked from Eastpoint to Madhan's place, quite near. But Astri was tired. She's often tired and I'm worried for her. Well hopefully she's okay. And we talked some more. At Madhan's block, we say bye to him and walked to the bus-stop where me and Astri waited for 34. Hana decided to stay till our bus came. So sweet of her. 34 finally came. So bye to Hana.

34 came to Astri's stop, so bye Astri. And I'm alone on the bus ride home. But it's ok. I met up with four of my closest. And my mundane day just got better. Thanks guys.

Love y'all.

Wednesday, 18 April 2007

Moving on is so hard

I visit Huda's blog recently. She had changed the song on her radio blog to Six Pence None the Richer's Don't Dream it's over. When I first heard the song, memories of my childhood came rushing back and I almost teared.

I remembered the time when I was eight or so and the entire family- immediate and extended- went out for a family bbq at east coast. I remembered their voices calling out to each other to pitch the tent, prepare the food, asking for thongs. It's was chaotic. The children running around the area, all my cousins playing police and thief and catching together. And of course there are those who felt left out and not want to participate. Pulling the long face. And some of us try to coax him/her to come and play along. And sooner than expected all of us were running around at the playground. Laughing and having the time of our life.

I remembered my late grandmother. How she looks and sounds like. Being the the mother of the situation. I heard her voice, calling the kids,"Hey come here and eat. Stop playing for awhile." And we would all flock to the picnic area, most of us from the sea.

I stop reading her blog for awhile.

Then I remembered the time my primary six friends and I went to the shop opposite of our school during our lunch breaks during the school holiday remedial lessons. Some of us would go to the coffee shop while the rest to this provision shop to buy snacks. I know that I always buy the donut there. It was only 60cents. And of course we would chat and joke around while choosing what we want.

And the time when we wanna go home- walking through this small passageway behind the classroom blocks. And we would say our goodbyes and joke a little before parting. I would walk alone cause I wasn't living near their area. Sometimes we would visit the "Ah Seng shop" we call it to buy snacks to feast on while walking home.

The good old days. When problems are the least of our concern. When Singapore was still a growing nation and everything we have was enough. Things were cheaper. Thinking back of those nostalgic days made me wanna stop living the present and go back to the past. I miss my late grandmother on my mother's side. And I would want to spend more time with my late grandmother on my father's side too. She passed away when I was 4. I can still remember, very vividly, kissing her forehead before she was sent away.

Now, I don't feel that I have cousins anymore. We rarely meet. The only time when we do is during the first two days Hari Raya. Even so we do not talk. We became strangers. And I hardly see my primary school friends either.

I don't think it is the lyrics of the song that made these memories come back. It's more to the music and melody of the song. It sounds very calming and soothing. Very nostalgic.

Love y'all.

The lame game

The rules are: Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose 5 people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” on their profile and tell them to read your latest blog.
  1. I have a theory that dogs have a fetish for pussies, and bitches hate that.
  2. My friends are either cool or kinky, I just realised. (Some both)
  3. I like to imagine getting fuck but scared to have sex.
  4. I'm going up the scale, my waist size has gone up from a size 34 to size 32.
  5. Money is my best life support system.
  6. I seriously think I'm fat.
  7. When people tell me that I am smart or thinks that I am smart, I'll go cuckoo.
  8. The best (or worst) advice I've ever given someone who is in pain is: think of smoking, drinking or promiscuing.
  9. I think that nudists are cool.
  10. I talk to myself a lot.

My 5 friends are:

  • Izyan: refer to pt 2. I need to know which one you belong to
  • Huda: for old time sake
  • Yahn: for apology
  • Hana: I don't know why
  • Sarah: for your cult's sake

Love y'all.

Sunday, 15 April 2007

Back to basics

Alright, alright...I just realise that my last few entries were written in a style not what I had begun with. They were written in a politician-wannabe style. So not like me lor! Though written by me. Just not my style. Like very fake. Like try to sound chim but cannot make it kind. Haha. I bet those angmos cannot faham.

Ah...singlish. The language that every Singaporean must know. I think hor, the national language should be Singlish lei. What do you think? I mean, it just feels so right and good to talk in Singlish. Afterall, it's Singapore's English what. Not considered national language meh? A lot of people can understand one. The brown, tan, fair, caramel colour people can understand. The people up there and down here also can understand. It's so Singaporean lah. So beautiful. Hehe.

So that means now, we got no more identity crisis kan? Now got money problem. Not shortage but too much. $2 million in PM pocket, a few more million in other ministers'. Then got bankers and lawyers. Why they so wanna kick a fuss about a few million? They are just money what. Later when you mampus, you are not going to bring those money with you what. Just you, yourself and you.

To the left, to the left.
Everything you own in the box to the left.
In the closet that (your) stuffs,
Yes if (you) bought them please don't touch.

(Lyrics from Beyonce's Irreplacable. They have been adjusted to suit the context.)

But why? No one can hear you what. No one can see you also. So, no one cares. You are just talking to yourself. Fluttering around at home. Maybe your dog/cat/fish can see you lah but they cannot do anything what. All your things go away into the bin or Homes. You go back to Him with nothing, not those money that you earn, just like how you came to earth. Be thankful and greatful la PM and ministers. Your efforts worth more than your money what. They are priceless. We thank you for that. But now,

Let's not kill the karma,
Let's not start a fight.
It's not worth the drama,
For a (few million dollars)!

Can we laugh about it (haha)
(Oh) It's not worth our time
(Oh) We can live without (them)
Just a (few million dollars)!

(Lyrics from Beyaonce and Shakira's Beautiful liar. They have been altered to suit the context.)

Haha. Aigt, ciao people!
Love y'all.

Saturday, 14 April 2007

JD Modelling Agency vs MSU

1. The Janice Dickinson Modelling Agency

I would say that it is the agency to be in. Your boss is this bithcy, wacky, daring and controversial androgynous woman whom the industry knows very well. She has the experience and skill to groom you into a top model, both man and woman. And you can bet that she knows how to pull the strings and get you good offers.

JD Modelling Agency premiered in Singapore today and I manged to catch it. And from the looks of it, Janice knows her stuff very well. Despite her frustrating idiosyncrasies, Janice is a tough mama who has gone through a lot to raise her kids- both biological and "adopted" (those in her agency). Evidence: The 5 models that she chose out of the 500, in the show, are definitely model material. And she isn't reluctant to bring out the best in them. And she takes a heavy responsibility of their welfare. No doubt about it.

And I realise that supermodels are people who knows how to hide their "defects" and accentuate their assets in their photograph. Of course there's make-up and lighting to assist. However, even in their bare state they know how to tweak themselves to look good. A slight shift in the position of your head can make a difference between a disastrous photograph and a multi-million dollar one. Learnt that from Tyra, and Janice.

2. Miss Singapore Universe

I seriously don't know the real reason why we even have this. The ladies pick look normal, not edgy or beautiful. In this case I am going with the common and usual perception of beautiful. Think Zhang Ziyi, Angelina Jolie, Tyra Banks and all the Miss Puerto Rico. Wouldn't you agree? There are one or two who fit this profile such as Joanne Peh and Jamie Teo. Sadly, the past few winners of this pageant ('cause it seems more like it) lack "that look." And it is disappointing, not to mention embarrassing.

And they have to drop those corny speeches. Please! Why can't they be more realistic and truthful? And I think the level of their intellect is based on the way they speak. They need to learn to enunciate and articulate the words they are saying, without sounding ridiculous. I think Yap can do, can you? Jia you!

So what happens after the pagent? They become medicorp artiste. It seems to be a common pattern.

Love y'all.

Friday, 13 April 2007

The beauty of language

I am no linguist. I am certainly no literary expert either. Thus I do not possess a good command of languages. But I do understand implications. And I apologise if the words that I have chosen are wrong or have given you a negative indication. This blog is dedicated to Sufian or Sufyan. You can visit his blog via mine under "sufian".

And he prefers his sweet name being spelled as "yahn", and not "yan" because it may sound like "yen"...which in my opinion not only sounds wrong but also devaluing...and since you are at the subject of currency, why not throw in the baht, ringgit, rupee, rupiah and if you wish for a higher buying price of the Sing Dollar, sterling pounds or Swiss Francs.

But let's not get into this. Let the economists and people in the banks do that. I myself am not sure how the currency rates fluctuate. I only know that on average $100=RM217. And that's enough to shop at Petaling Jaya, for me at least. =)

Anyhow, I have been reading Margaret Atwood's books nowadays. And I love the way she writes. I guess it's her style that I adore. She often has this little asides or inserts that are simply brilliant. She read English as her major and french and philosophy as her minor at Victoria University in the University of Toronto. She has a BA English(Hons) by the way. And these asides are insightful. Of course she is able to do this because she is a linguist and a literary expert. Even her criticisms are bitchy, but nicely phrased.

And for the knowledge of my readers, I like this kind of people that use tact in their speech or writing. It is a reflection of their intelligence and they have my deepest respect. One prime example is Prophet Muhammad. Another is Mahatma Gandhi.

If you are those kind of people who don't know how to phrase their words nicely when bitching, you have my deepest sympathy for being one of those apathetic people. Nothing to moot about what you say. And of course it will be foolish of me to ignore the possibility that it was deliberately done, but I am not an aficionado of Jezebels. I shall leave the matter on this note. I do not wish to go back on my word and be accused of contradicting.

So as a reminder to the rest of my readers, do choose your words wisely and phrase in such a way that doesn't sound rude. Because there is a difference between being rude and bitchy. To be rude is to write or say an offensive remark and have the favour return. To be bitchy is to write or say something witty- which is usually something negative about someone- and get away with it, not getting a reply because you have check-mate the person. So which one are doing?

Love y'all.

Wednesday, 11 April 2007

The Namesake

I went to watch The Namesake today. I was suppose to watch it with Eternality at 4.25pm but because of a twist of fate, it was called off. It was my fault, I think. Mostly.

Anyway, since I was at Orchard and feeling rather numb and bored and pissed and disappointed, I told myself,"Let's make the best of it." Since it's only going to be an hour before the next show begins at 6.45pm at Cathay Cineleisure Orchard (I just realised that is what that funky cool building with awesome cinema seats-the best in Singapore I tell you-is called today, mat kental and orbit what), I went to Shaw instead. Turns out the next show there is at 7.20pm. So forget it, I'm watching the one at Cine.

I bought that $1 cup ice-cream- corn flavour. It was therapeutic to eat ice-cream I tell you! I mean there I was on one of the benches along the path on the Ngee Ann City side of the road on a cool day. It just rained and the sky was grey. And the breeze was strong and cooling. need to waste money go spa one. I took 10 minutes plus to finish that ice-cream (now you know why is it therapeutic?). And since I have time to kill, I went to pray at Al-Falah mosque. After praying, sat at the mosque listening to the ustazah talking about haj. It was 6.10pm. I left the mosque to go buy the ticket.

Man, that funky cinema is so hard to navigate. The box office and cinemas are all located at different levels right, so I had difficulty finding cinema 12 despite being told by the pretty girl at the counter that it's on the 9th floor. I went up there and because I'm a suaku, I was first shocked to find that the entire level is a gaming area where young angmo kids hang out to play this game where they have to kill each other and some bad guys and express themselves in fuck-language. That was pretty much what they say, for the 3 minutes I was there. Seriously. And it's like so cool to use the word. Like so damn cool. (woteva)

Anyhow, I went to buy Burger King before going up again. I love Cathay Cine. The cinemas are so so so cool. Especially cinema 6, right beside the toilet and here I was thinking that it was a store room. I went there for Little Children. It's so cosy and comfortable. It sure has my vote for best cinema. Next to check is the GoldClass at Vivo. That one has to wait long long. Nong nong time later.

After watching the show, I would say that the book is better. I think it's the style Jhumpa Lahiri used to tell his (or is it her?) story. One word to describe book: beautiful. But I cant disagree with Ms Kalidas though, the "text to screen adaptation is very good. It's a rarity (nowadays)." I guess this is what Harry Potter readers meant by "the book is better." I never understood them till I have experienced it for myself.

The Namesake mainly explores the notion of identity, family relationships and love. And I get to relate to Gogol (the protagonist) very well. He's an Americanised Indian, and not an American-Indian because his parents are Indians, both of them, and he was born in New York. He grew up in America, being influenced by the American culture more than his Indian. The Bengalis in the area are merely neighbours to him. And I think the tragedy lies in his reluctance to hold onto his asian cultures. He embraces a foreign culture rather than his own. And this act of his reminds me of how English-ed (to borrow a word from Suchen Christine Lim's The Fistful of Colours) I have become. I would rather speak English and study English Literature rather than Malay literature, which by the way I just realised is just as rich as other "types" of literature.

Even the way I speak, there's not a tint a malay accent. In fact its some weird accent that I myself cannot recognise. It's not even a cross-breed of American-British-Irish-Scottish-Australian-New Zealand accent. And I thought that it was cool to speak without the malay accent. There was once upon a time I couldn't think in Malay. I can't! And I told myself,"You got a distinction for Malay oral. Even if what you say do not flow somehow. So what had happened?" And I was also reading the Berita Harian these few days. Identity is one of the constant issue being raised. It suddenly hit me how far I have drifted. And now I'm luring myself back.

As for the way the Gangulis behave as a family, it's a typical Asian-American family; the parents are very Asian while the children are very American. And this is what I am seeing in many families, including mine. However the parents in the Ganguli family are very open, at least Ashoke Ganguli is. Roshima needed more time to come to terms with the foreign culture. It was only after Sonia, Gogol's younger sister by 5 years, had graduated from College she became more accepting. She welcomed Ben as her son-in-law to-be. She wasn't like that when Gogol was dating an American girl called Maxine. My father, like Ashoke, is acceptable of these changes. My mother is like Ashima. Fortunately, my mother advances faster than Ashima. Haha. Otherwise, God knows. But she is still firm about certain things simply because religion is in the picture. And I am glad to say that she has instilled this in me. Although I am the "unique breed of mankind", I have not crossed any major boundaries. My big V is still in place, and I like it to be that way till I am reading to do some renovation (?) which will not be anytime soon.

As for love, need I say a lot? A man marries a very beautiful and talented woman though it was arranged, then there is the Indian man that fell in love with an American girl. And a father's undying love for his ungrateful son. A love for one's own roots. It's too general and expansive. Yet succinctly expressed in one four-letter word.

All in all, I would give The Namesake 4 stars. Read the book: The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri. The hit the cinemas.

Love y'all. Muakz.

Tuesday, 10 April 2007


I have a friend. Who is mad at me and who is paranoid. He has a boyfriend. He loves his boyfriend a lot. And I am happy for them. Like for real. Why shouldn't I be? One day he messaged me this,"Are you disappointed that I am attached?"

My reply,"So random. To a small extent yes I am."

Ok this is where you guys will go whoa! So...WHOA! But I seriously am not terribly bothered that he is attached and that he can't be mine. Like which bloody arsehole would feel like that? Maybe the pathetic little creatures would. When I first know him, I believe that he is single. So I sent signals that I like him. I suppose he sensed them and came clean with me. He said that he is attached. Of course I was crushed but I wasn't in a wreck. And I did tell a couple of my very close friends, who know him quite well, that I like him. And that's it.

Today on msn, his nick was obviously meant to direct at me. Telling me to back off. Of course in his defence he could say otherwise. And he has this wonderful idea that I have been telling literally the world world that I like him. As if I do not have anything else to do. Who's the delusional one here?

And just like that, my bad day became worse. I was making progress on turning it to a good evening by the way. Anyhow, I don't know lah. I'm just so frustrated.

Love y'all. Muakz.

Friday, 6 April 2007

I feel whorable


Yes, guilt. I feel guilty for lusting. I feel guilty eating at night. I feel guilt selling myself. I feel guilty giving in to temptation. No, I'm still a virgin. I just feel a whole sense of guilt. I guess this is what it feels to be a whore.


I don't quite know the source of my guilt. It just conjure, suddenly. Am I guilty for lying? But the again everyone lies. Am I guilty for visiting those sites? Maybe. But why now? Am I guilty for being insolent? Maybe. Just guilty.


A powerful feeling. A feeling that can make you fel very bad about yourself. A feeling that will linger. A feeling that will make you feel repentent. A feeling that drags other feelings with it. It comes with a package. You have it, you will bear with its friends.

Why do I feel guilty? Have I betrayed someone? Have I killed someone? Have I been mean? Have I been ungrateful? Have I...? Have I...? Have I...? I don't know. I really don't.

Why do I feel guilty? Why am I guilty? Am I? But for what reason? Can someone please tell me...

Thursday, 5 April 2007

I am Me!

I almost went into mild depression yesterday. I got into this state whenever I feel lousy, like stupid, pathetic, worthless, incapable, stumped, corrected.

The fact is I'm not smart. And I'm bad with words. Very bad. I cannot place words nicely together. Somehow, despite my best attempt, the sentence formed sounds weird. And I don't know how to correct it. Been trying since secondary 3 after my teacher said that I have a major problem with my expressions. And I think it got better in JC. I could see the improvement. Drastic change. My lit essays start to bleed even less. And I was very happy that I mange to improve so quickly. Then yesterday I met this guy online and he is very good with his words. I was left stumped most of the time. It's not that he used big words. It's the way he phrased them. I like it cause it challenged me. Yet at the same time, I felt incompetent. It's like we are in a different league.

So I felt bad and dumb. I won't blame him cause he was teaching me. I blame myself for being complacent. But this is how it usually work. I will blame myself for being stupid so that I get to get over this lousy feeling. I believe that I have to face this problem so that I can get over it. And now I'm blogging it to let it go. Of course the effect is not instant. But at least I am facing the problem and feeling better. Afterall I need to realise that I am Me and there's nothing that anyone can do about it, except for myself!

Love y'all. Muakz.

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Have we forgotten?

1. Do we really forget or just decide to not remember?

Often when we want to delete something from the computer, we simply press the "delete" button. And the selected information is supposedly gone from your computer. I may not be a computer scientist or know a lot about computers but I don't think that the information/document is trully discarded from the computer. And by that I mean totally wipe out fom the computer's memory system. I think it was re-coded into "seen as deleted" so that the information/document appears to no longer exist. Why? Because we do not physically bagged the thrash in the "recycle bin" and throw them away. So that means that the information is actually still retained in the computer. And to get it back...well...we need a specialist for that.

And I think the same can be said about our brain. Some memories we choose to remember. Others, usually the not so good ones, we choose to "forget". And by that I mean to not have that memory erased completely. However, the truth is that I think we simply choose to repress them. Our brain, like the computer, re-coded the memory and make it appear as "forgotten". Therefore, such thoughts never surfaced again, at least not in our conscious state. They get released in our dreams I think- the time when we temporarily dead (not conscious).

Why do I suddenly wanna say these stuffs? Cause I think more people are becoming more like machines and computers than humans. They have lost their sense of humanity and ability to think. (think America-Iraq, Thailand, Isreal-Palestine)

2. Liars/Hypocrites/Multi-faceted?

What usually happens when you find out that someone has lied to you? But have you ever thought why the person has decided to lie and not spill the truth? Sometimes it's because the truth hurts more than the lie. So no harm lying.

The other is that "we are all actors and actresses and the world's a stage" (pardon if I had misquoted). And hypocrite stems from a Greek word that means "act." Therefore, all of us are actors and actresses actually (so no need to envy Orlando or Halle. The only difference is that they are paid). This is evident in the way we automatically behaves in many different situation- in our usual social group, meeting new people, to our family, cousins, etc. Interestingly, when ask to act on stage not many of us can do that. Our natural acting skills just switch off.

Also it's because I think humans are multi-faceted creatures. There are so many types of characters that we can be and how quickly we can change.

Why am I saying these stuffs? Because we need to acknowledge that all of us are quite similar just as how we are different. So let's celebrate this diversity that we all share instead of shedding blood of our own blood brothers (think Adam and Eve).

3. Does Singapore have an identity crisis?

Many youths especially are not bothered about their conutry. They are in that period of self-absorbance and ignorance. They would rather seek their identity than to care for how their country is doing. Singaporean youths are not spared. And the govenment is trying to avoid breeding these apathetic youths by having subject such as National Education, General Paper, and countless number of "- Days" to remember in the school curriculum. This is done to inculcate the sense of national pride in them. Why? Because if the sense of patriotism is lost amongst our youths, we could be heading downhill- slow economic progress as more people are not working for their country's, and their, benefits, corruption within the government body and all sorts of ills will spring. This just shows one thing: the importance of having a national identity.

However, is Singapore having an identity crisis? Many seems to believe so. Well, allow me to enlighten you a little bit. Think:-
  1. Singlish
  2. The Merlion
  3. The Esplanade
  4. KuCinta
  5. Vanda Miss Joaquim
  6. Hossan Leong
  7. Phua Chu Kang
  8. Kiasu-ness
  9. HDB
  10. Our ability to complain more than initiating
  11. Thinking we own the road just because we own a mercs especially
  12. Being swayed when given money to make babies

Why am I doing this? Have we forgotten?

Love y'all. Muakz.

Sunday, 1 April 2007

Dear Brangelina,

It has come to the public attention that you two are on an adopting spree. With the recent adoption of Pax Thien it has confirmed our study that you two like asian kids more than Ang Mohs. So I have decided to help you search for one.


Name: Muhammad Ruzaini
Location: Singapore (somewhere further south from Cambodia, lower than thailand and peninsula Malaysia. A place known as the garden city and soon to be the next city of lights and romance and arts hub)
Age: 18 year old (still a BOY)
Status: Desperate
Reason: a need to break into the hollywood market, to be famous and popular

Caution: Though he will definitely not cry when he sees you, he will instead hug and welcome you, you will have torestraint him from being like Electra and Oedipus. I'm sure you guys know who they are right since you've been in epic films before- BP: Troy, AJ: Alexender. He would either wana kill Angelina to get Brad, or kill Brad to get Angelina (he's...part of the unique species of mankind...get the picture?) Or the rest of his siblings and be the only heir.

If you are interested, please drop me an email or leave a message on my tagbox. It's nice doing business with you. =)

PS: (not to be read by Brangelina) It bothers me a little that the couple is adopting children when they are perfectly well to conceive. Yes I understand that they wanna help underprivileged children from third world countries but why only 3 of them? I don't know if they run an orphanage, I think they do. One in Ethiopia (read it somewhere. I know that Oprah does run one in Africa, not too sure about them. Can someone help me counter check? Thank you.).

Either way, I think that if they want to help underprivileged children adopting them is not the only means. It's unfair to the rest who share the same aspiration- to be adopted by wealthy families who are able to give them a better life than they are having now. Wouldn't you agree? However, if it's for the sake of adopting, for fun, and it would be logical to adopt children who are deprived of many advantages then I guess it's ok. I think this is what they are thinking, hopefully.

However, I will support Bono's effort. I find his sincere effort worth my attetion and money. At least he started a campaign that will benefit more children, and even adults. As his is a larger scale project, it does explain the media coverage. Not only because it is worth announcing to the public but also it needs the publicity. I can understand and accept the media hyping. But hyping over the adoption of Pax Thien? It's no wonder Jolie has the right to express her disappointment in a recent interview; and I share her views.

I know that the pair do not seek publicity, but the media is just k-po and thirsty for news- as if stories about Danial Radcliffe being in an adult play and Paris and Britney are not enough. By the way, where's the Hilton?

PPS: (also to not be read by Brangelina) Ok sorry to digress.'s a wonder why Brangelina wanna adopt when she can conceive...wait, can she? Haiya I suppose all those stunts she did taught her the meaning of pain afterall. I mean she was shoved, pushed, kicked, punched, thrown in Mr and Mrs Smith before having sex. Ouch is right. Or is it because she don't wanna be deprived of any movie offer, whatever la hor. It's ok. Still all the best to the two of them, let us pray. (obserev a moment of silence)

With love from me to you, won't you say you love me too?!
Love y'all. Muakz!

Lemme see what does Dr Ruzy have to say.


Yes, charity. I'm sure that all of you kind and compassionate souls have donated at least once in your life right with a minimum amount of $0.10 and to you there's sufficient? Afterall, it is the thought that counts. Don't worry, you're not alone. Most of us do that. At least you have donated, unlike others. But even for these peeps, I think the Lee Foundation has donated on their behalf. Use the tax money la (duh). For those of you who has constantly donated more, well good for you. May you be repaid fruitfully (a constant supply of running water- eh don't take it lightly ok! It's actually a huge blessing- God bless). =)

But then hor, I don't know why we donate ley. Is it because of sincerity or only want to show show to others that we are generous (hrmph hrmph Lee Foundation). They often donate more than $1,000,000.00 for the annual charity drive on tv if you have been keeping your eyes open wide. But how can you not? I'm sure your eyes also go bling bling when you see that $1 million cheque being presented. If they are sincere la hor, like trully want to steal from the rich and give to the poor, then why must they show it live on national tv? Just have President S R Nathan to be your witness in a closed room kan enough? He is still a witness. I have always suspected their sincerity and generosity.

Then come the main show- the perilous stunts by our actors and actress turn stuntman/woman part-time who risk their lives to perform those things which I don't know what else to say. It's either these peeps are seeking more publicity, stupid or sincere. Why stupid? Because they risk their lives to do some ridiculous and seemingly cliff-hanging stunts and slap on that "ooh...ooh...oh my god...oh my god...I'm gonna die...I'm gonna die...but for the sake of all these disadvantaged people and to show my fans and supporters that I care...I will still do it" face. They are actors, so they could be acting. Man...I'm stabbing myself (gulp). The other two reason, you guys go figure la hor.

I mean, jumping off a human tangga (ala that thing la that painters climb on to reach high surfaces, firemen also got use one) to catapult someone at the other end on the see-saw to form another human tangga is dangerous but dumb. Why do it?

So that they can get people to donate more! Now here is the problem actually. We donate because we are entertained therefore we think these people (as in the disadvantaged) deserve our donation, am I right? Though the donation is sincerely done by some, somehow by putting our idol's life on the line, the donation rate seems to rise. You realise? At the start of the show there are only say $100,000.00. And by the end of 3 hours, before the major companies contribute their share the total amount collected tripled. Sometimes even quadrupled.

Now, it could either be that people are really donating (seems more like voting sometimes I feel)
or that the show organiser release some of the already donated amount bit by bit throughout the show. It's very dubious. That's why I would rather watch the show than to pick up the phone and donate no matter how many times FD/Belinda/whoever begged the audience to. Cause I feel that such donation requires no such show. It's a, and maybe even for, show.

And for these shows, we donate even up to fifty dollars. But what about those donation drive done on the street at Orchard la, Simei la, Tampines come only the max is $10. Even that is rare. Mostly, it's in cents. $0.20 and $0.50 are the popular amount.

How caring are we?