As of the past few days, I would consider muaself as a volatile diva bitch. Why? Read the reasons that I have kindly provided, and understand from my standpoint.
1. I'm going in tomorrow at 1.30pm. National Service la, duh! And I've been trying to take a positive outlook on it. Occasional and random "good luck" from people ironically doesn't make me feel any better about my anxiety and burgeoning fear. Trying to calm down has become hard. I don't know what I am afraid of actually, which makes it more terrifying. Spot the paradox?
2. My mom has turned into a mother hen, and us-her sons- chicks! I don't mean it in that way. She now intervenes at times when my brother and I think she should not. Alamak...I just wanna shout, sream and yell at her BUT I CAN'T. I'm being very patient. I am probably the most patient person that you would have ever known-seriously. I don't raise my voice after my mom had asked me to do the bed, vacuum the house, wash the dishes, fetch my sister, blend the ingredients when all I wanted to do is to sit down and read and have an hour or two to myself. I understand that she's tired and she's too much in her mind and at hand and being the eldest, I should be able to take the shit. And that I am going university, thus explains her excitement and feeling proud. Now she has something to show the families. She actually wannabe engaging and is curious about this new life that I am venturing which she was devoid of. Mom I understand you perfectly. But you have to stop asking me "duh" questions. I really really cannot take it. It ticks me.
3. And I feel I am fathering a child. My 7 year old sister had taken up a huge bulk of my life. She has her wants. She wanna buy this, watch her shows, play some Scooby Doo, Disney's Princesses, and other cartoon games online and her homework. Not forgetting her revision work. I have to do it. Why? Cause my parennts can't and my brother is incapable. NOW YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN! I NEED MY LIFE BACK DAMMIT.
4. I have been very volatile these days because I can't vent my frustrations on anyone, or anything. They are all bottled up, frizzing. I could really just pop the cock right now and the area will see books flying out the windows, chairs broken to their finest state, the dining table in hundred pieces, and the tv in its raw state. Instead I choose to be patient and keeping it all in. I don't like to voice out when I'm mad. I'd rather let my actions speak for themselves. If I'm very silent and appears uninterested, it means that I am boiling madly. I would appreciate if I'm left alone.
5. I can't seem to get what I want- a scholarship, a new handphone, retail therapy, money and time. I just wanna read, and shop for books. Is that so hard to understand? I just need a couple of hours each day. And that someone who can simply make me simmer down just by looking at him.
God, I could really use a turn of events now.