inside a cockroach mind

move idiot, move! where to? i don't know. just move. i can't. then shut up. think, think! do something, anything. anything? but stupid. shut up! shut up! shut up! now what!? there, go! stupid! shut up! now what? i don't know. what?!

11.55pm.

five minutes! hurry! trying! i can't breathe.

11.58pm.

hurry! i'm trying!

11.59pm.

move! move! move! what? what!? you're hoping. so? you can't hope, be certain!

12.01am.

shit! shit. shit. shit. just do it. now! i can't. what! why? something is not right. i don't fucking care, just do it! wait! not much time to...

tick tock. tick tock. tick tock.

i started another =)

i've been having the idea of starting another blog, one that's more open. it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago a few colleagues said that they too have two blogs: one for private matter, one for not-so-private matter.

but i didn't want to start it immediately after, i wanted it to have a purpose. but right now, i just find it refreshing having a new skin - since i can't change this one.

so here it is: http://vieews.wordpress.com/

i am probably going to make the other one more 'intellectual' (YAH! LIKE REAL!). cause it's more private (you can't find it on google, unlike this one). it's going to be another channel for me.

i should stop thinking now

it's stopped. it has got to stop. i have to stop considering my 'other' options.

the only available ones are here. since i worry too much; or write too long, what's available for me is quite simple; not complicated or confusing.

i know where i want to work. i know what course would be relevant. and the options are (were) already available for me. so i have got to stop worrying and.

it's either of the three public universities. that's it. this conversation, and consideration, is over ruzaini. it's over. so stop!

you were here

you are dead. you are gone. you left me here, all alone. to be by myself. to be with me. i didn't know what to do and what to think. i didn't know what happened. you didn't tell me and you didn't say anything. what was i to do? what was i to think? who was i to be?

you were all i had. you were my strength, my power, my life. you were everything to me. you meant everything to me. you were here with me and i love you and let out a prayer to not let you be away. to let let us part from each other. to be with one another. i love you. and that's all that matters.

you were whom i thought about when i was down. you were whom i have faith in. you were whom i know who i am. you were whom i care. you were part of me. you were me.

what am i to do now? what am i suppose to think now? who should i believe? who should i think about?

i am lost without you. i am broken without you. i despise the thought of losing you. i felt i am gone. i felt i am lost. i am without direction and thought. my faith has dissolved. i'm solvent to the enormity of circumstance that has befallen my gratuitous self.

why did you do this to me? why did you bring me into your life and then drop me off? like i'm thrash. why did you get to know me and love me only to sword through my heart. why did you want to hurt me?

i hate you! i hate you for being part of my life. i hate you for making me part of you. i hate you for creating 'us'.

go! just go away amd don't come back. don't haunt me with our memories. don't haunt me in my sleep. don't think about me anymore. just go. go!

still deciding, and it's because i'm afraid

i've done my thorough research. yet, i'm still unconvinced. why?

llb(hons) is definitely not an easy subject. it's complex and rigorous and intensive. and i want to do it. but i'm very afraid at the prospect of studying the subject. and imagine me, being a lawyer! i'm peeing in my pants just thinking about it! (who in their right mind wouldn't?)

*sighs*

*saw a cute guy and had this monologue: excuse me sir, can i see you behind? i need to fuck you right now. (smiles)*

doink!

(the following is written hours later. it's now 12am)

"I've read it is as difficult as Oxbridge but it has a great rep so will be worth the slog"

i chanced on this while doing my research. it's from: http://www.traineesolicitor.co.uk/forums/undergraduate-discussion/3609-llb-university-london-external-system.html

it excites me more, and i'm more psyched to do the llb. but a couple of things came to mind:

1. this was a subjective view, meaning oxbrigde (as well as the uk universities law programme) standard maybe higher.

2. this is comforting, as it shows how difficult the course is (or can be) and that i might not lose out to my competition from oxbridge. (see the nullification?)

3. it's more about me and how i want to succeed. i've gone through 'O' and 'A' level and from my results i can gauge just about where i am at. so it means i have nothing to fret. now that i have more time, and i'm in control of it, i should be wise enough to decide on to do and how to do it better. i don't have a "rigid" school curriculum and activities to take up my time; i have as much time as i want to dedicate to my learning.

*4. of course i do not have the privilege of training for presentation, learning a new language(s), communication skills, research, internship, formal meetings with the bigs boys and girls, relevant and important contacts (before graduating), workforce exposure(?) and day-to-day schooling (which was responsible for my discipline back in school). this might put me at a (huge) disadvantage. so i  have to carefully consider. (ruzaini, refer to point 3)

5. and i cannot grow complacent and believe those not in the course are inferior than i am. we differ only in the knowledge we decide to pursue. etiqutte, attitude, aptitude and the way we work (i.e. how) don't differ that much and it is these qualities that determine my own success. our success. so i shouldn't look down on people. instead, i appeal to them to be on the same page and standard as i am, or slightly lower.

6. regarding finding a job, the skills i grilled myself to acquire would do me fine! i may not have the specific or technical knowledge but having a law degree will put me on a relatively safe ground. i need to prove to myself, and them, that i can work and i deserve the best. it'll earn me respect and confidence. and in the long run, i wouldn't ask for more.

7. since i am mentally prepared, i shouldn't have doubts. it will only falter my determination. i need to stop looking at the: "what if i had done this..." or "what if i did this..." or "should i take this up instead..." it will only bring me no where. (i'm kinda proud to say that i am gradually teaching myself how to think like a lawyer: "i think, therefore i am".)

it's an investment. and i have to play rough if i want good returns. yes?

this was what i felt yesterday

this song was going on:"and have a little christmas..."

and this was on my mind:"i'm so pissed, annoyed, frustrated, bothered!"

it was a very bad day. partly due to my lack of sleep the night before, and for the most part i was annoyed by the amount of debts i put myself in. i spent the night thinking about what i could do and how i am able to help myself. apparently, that didn't work and i went to work groggy. my face was so black. i felt like shit. and i was exhausted for most part of the time. it was a horrible day and i was in an even more horrible state. i was so easily ticked that i'm quite sure i would've given some customers a good shelling. and we know what's gonna happen next...

but i have come up with a solution; a practical one. and in the process i taught myself financial management. it's about manipulating the numbers and having faith in my sanity (weird expression but it's apt). correct. and because of that i could get a good night sleep. and this morning i sprayed YSL l'homme eau de toilette and walked out of the house feeling positive.

but i think i might have anger management problem. or the way i managed my anger is a problem. either way, my mind is on to it. and it will let me know when it's done.

i'm angry

i am so angry!

i've got so much anger inside me that i can just snap. it sucks to hacve this feeling but what to do?

i'm mad at my dad. i'm angry at myself. i'm annoyed at stupid customers. i'm irritated by slow walking people. i'm frustrated at my phone. i'm pissed at my state.

pissed! pissed! pissed!

really. i'm not joking. i am so very angry i'm practically boiling on the inside. and i'm too angry to say anymore.

UHM!

the dream i had last night

i had strange dream last night.

i was in this mosque. and the azan is being heard. the mosque was dimly lit, and the walls were moldy green. and there was a bar in the mosque, near to where the imam is to pray. and the bar was selling alcoholic drinks while the azan is being heard. and there were muslims buying those drinks and gulping down shots after shots of vodka. i was there. instead of going to the imam, i went to the bar and sat there, watching the drinks being poured and people drinking. i didn't have a drink myself but neither did i stop them from buying and drinking. when i looked to my left, there were people praying, or they looked like they were trying to pray but they kept being distracted. this huge moldy green mosque has got so little people, most, if not all, of whom suddenly turned to look like zombies. they look grotesque and disturbing. they wanted to pray but break away and laugh. some even rolled around. the mosque started to get dimmer, and the "beings" seemed to have grown in number. i didn't know what was happening or what to do but i know, for sure, that it was odd, and wrong. yet, i did nothing but stood watching as the place becomes moldier - as if running down very quickly - and dimmer, and trapping me. i didn't go over to the imam or anywhere near him. i stood, transfixed, at where the "beings" are. they were scary looking but they didn't scare me, or rather i wasn't afraid of them. i was more afraid of my reluctance to perform my prayers.

and then my dad woke me up for the dawn prayers. i was still feeling very afraid of the nightmare.