Bursting Bubbles

I have a space. You have a space. We have our spaces, our little cute bubble around us. But mine has burst. I am now bubbleless. I am not as bubbled as before. I am no longer bubbly.

But you still have yours. I can see it. You may not be able to see it but I can. It is a gift I have. I am gifted to see your bubble, and you're bubbly.

The bubbles in my eyes have burst. And water is now streaming down. I am telling myself, "Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts." But the water keep streaming down. Why?

I am smiling to keep the bubbles together. I am smiling to keep myself bubbly. But the bubbles burst still. And water is streaming down. Why?

Today was not a good day. I tell myself that tomorrow is better than today. But today is tomorrow. And tomorrow is yesterday. And yesterday is today. And yesterday was not a good day. So what is today?

Tell me how you'd like to live and I'll be happy. Tell me not and I'll keep smiling. Tell me so, I'll keep it a secret. Tell me now, I'll ...

I've yet to know where I am/have to go.

Love ya'll

Writing like a Malay

It just "come to"/"dawn on" me that I write like a Malay. Yeah this is gonnabe a controversial entry but still politically safe. I am a Malay and I'm writing about my own race which effectively means I'm writing about myself.

But before you jump on the wagon let me clarify something. By writing like a Malay I mean the style I use to write my entries, or anything for that matter, is similar to how it would have been written in Malay. The lexical differences does not vary much (awkward expression). I cannot explain it well because firstly I am only an aspired linguist and secondly, it is difficult for me to express in words. But nevertheless I am going to try.

It is very technical. The way somebody writes is influenced by "the way the person is exposed to language"/"how much exposure the person gets" (this is just my view, it may not be true). So the more exposed the person is the better he/she gets. For me I grew up in a Malay household so Malay "is the first language I'm exposed to"/"is my mother tongue". Naturally, I "am"/"will be" better "at"/"in" Malay than "at"/"in" English. So when I have to write in English, I will have Malay influence (awkward expression). It is like, to put in layman term, Malay is the backbone for all the language I am going to learn; explains why I have a Malay accent when I converse in English (super awkward expression). But that was a long time ago. I no longer talk with a Malay accent but still writes with one.

That's why I am frustrated "at"/"with" myself whenever I cannot express myself well in English. It's because "I'm thinking in Malay still"/"I'll be thinking in Malay", though not consciously (needed?). It's like when I have to write something I'll be thinking this is how it is "written"/"going to sound" in Malay, how do I change it to English?

The problem "comes in when I have to choose the words"/"lies in choosing the words" and put("ting") them in a sentence. Even coming up with a sentence is difficult for me because it's heavily influenced by Malay which is wrong. How can two languages collage together in writing? It's a crime! For example I don't know when to use the word "talk"/"speak"/"say" in a sentence or which words should come first "so that it"/"for it to" sounds nice like: "I finally know now...."/"I now finally know..."/"Now, I finally know...." As you can see, using different words and expressing them differently gives different meanings. And if I am not careful, I might "send out the wrong meaning"/"send the wrong meaning out".

And that is the problem I have with spoken and written language. I am not good "with"/"at" them. I am clumsy with words and my expressions are awkward. It is very embarrassing to "still be making such mistakes at this age"/"to be making such mistakes still".

In the end, I subconsciously tune in to the frequency that I am better at: Malay (super awkward expression). And use it as a reference "although I know better"/"despite knowing better" that I shouldn't have and that I can't. But you see, we always go back to what we are familiar with and more comfortable in when in doubt or lost. And that is what I "keep"/"been" doing. I'm stressed.

Love ya'll

PS: Note that if I use one of the two expressions I wrote, it'll sound very Malay.

PPS: I wanna kick this habit but I can't seem to. I'm terribly stressed by this.

PPPS: Sorry if I have annoyed you. It's annoying me.

I'm fucking mad.

Angry. and

Disappointed

at myself! I'm so

Angry

I don't know what to do or say!

Errgh! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

I'm so pent up and frustrated! Ah!

I'm so fessed up I don't wish to talk to anyone. Because I know that it won't be nice. I'm in the firing mood right now.

SHUT THE FUCK UP RUZAINI!

DON'T THINK.

STOP THINKING!

AND DON'T TALK YOU BITCH!

JUST DON'T! OK!

OK!

ENOUGH ALREADY! ENOUGH!

ENOUGH HURTING OTHER PEOPLE!

STOP IT! ENOUGH!

ENOUGH! IT'S GOTTA STOP!

STOP THINKING!

DON'T THINK! IT'S FUCKING RUDE!

DON'T THINK! STOP THINKING!

AND LOOK AROUND...JUST LOOK!

LOOK AND BE AWARE!

OPEN YOU EYES AND EARS!

GROW UP!

BE A PERSON! HUMANE!

DROP WHATEVER YOU'RE THINKING!

BE DEAD! JUST DIE! JUST....DIE!!!

IT'S INCORRIGIBLE!

This...this whatever you're doing! Don't think the world revolves around you because it doesn't! And no one is going to stop and attend to you. You're just a fucking somebody. Just a somebody! Anybody!

Grab hold of yourself and hit hard! Stop pretending that people has got to attend specially for you because they don't. They don't always care for you. They have their own matters to attend to! You've got to be up and on your own! Stop thinking that you are the centre of the universe. It's sick! And it sickens people! Sick I tell you! Sick!

Take a fucking good look around. Look! Don't say that people are difficult to attend to or please when it's just you! Yes, you fucker! It's just you! You!

You are the one that's fucking hard to please and entertain and get close to. It is you! Not someone else, but you! The problem lies in you! You are the problem! You are your own problem! Look no further or anywhere around. It is just you Ruzaini! YOU! You are the difficult and ridiculous one!

No! No! Don't say that it's others when you yourself is the problem! Yes you are! Look no further you fucking motherfucker bitch! Just look down and at YOURSELF!

What have you got to look at in others that you don't see for yourself? What's in others that you don't see in you! You are the matter! You are the cause! You! Stop looking around and pushing the blame AND TRYING TO FUCKING RATIONALISE!

DON'T!

DON'T RATIONALISE!

IT IS NOT A MATTER OF RATIONALISING!

IT'S A MATTER OF ACCEPTING! Accepting the fact that you're problematic and pent up and frustrated and irritating and annoying and ridiculous!

You are a joke of your own kind you damn fucker!

Don't say and tell others they have changed when it is you who have! Don't say that they are difficult. Stop saying that! Stop pushing the blame around and let the finger point at you! Accept the fact that it is you who's the difficult one! Point the finger at yourself!

AT YOURSELF!

YOURSELF!

IT'S FUN ISN'T IT?

WHEN IT'S NOT YOU?

HUH? HUH?!

FUN RIGHT!?!

Fun's over and get real! You are nothing but a piece of shit who broods and whines and seeks attention from others and rationalise things thinking you're all smart and all-knowing.

You think you're so good and intelligent and all-knowing, right?! Condeming others with your "wisdom" that comes from your fucking arse! Your friend is right.

YOU ARE A RIDICULOUS AND DAMNABLE BITCH! JUST GO AND DIE! GO AND DIE!

JUST!

GO!

AND!

DIE! YOU CIBAI SHITHEAD!

JUST GO!

Curled fingers

Am I simply boring or depessed? There seems to be nothing much I'd like to moot about.

Take today for example. I practically slept through the day. Many people would say it is fine and normal for us to be lulling in bed the whole day since we've not had anything much to do. But here's the problem: I don't like lazing around doing nothing. I wanna work it out or do something, anything besides sleeping. I'm not tired or burnt out. If I am I would appreciate the time I have to sleep through. But no. And now the day is coming to a close.

I was supposed to go Raffles City with Kahei today to shop for a watch. But I just got mood out suddenly and decided to call it off. Why?

Could it be money? I mean if I had lotsa money to shop or simply go out I think my time would be better spent. I wouldn't mind going Taka and grab a few tops and bottoms or Compasspoint even. Or spent money with family eating out, at all the expensive places. I pity them. Because it is I who often goes to these places with my friends and spend a lil more.

Or maybe I could sign up for dance and singing classes. Yes, that would be what I wanna do more. I need to condition myself. I feel so unfit and fat; like a huge tub of lard sitting on a stool - growing heavier by the minute. And my dream of becoming an entertainer can actually come true. What do you think? Me the next Madonna?

I wannabe a geisha. I find them simply stunning, dedicating their life to the Arts. Yes I know most are forced into being one that'll be the other difference between me and them. The first is that I'm a guy. Do you see how they dance? Walk? Sing? Play an instrument? Every stroke, every gesture is strong, powerful, elegant, poised, graceful as if they're painting. They are magnificent artists.

And that's how I feel about Dance - strong, powerful, elegant, poised and graceful. That's why I wannabe a dancer. And that's why I'd like to enrol in a dance school. After that I go to an acting school. Only then will I actively go for auditions and work my way to getting the Golden Globe, Tony Award, Emmy's, BAFTA and be at the Cannes Film Festival. I wannabe an actor. That's what I wannabe, and that's who I am.

There's nothing more satisfying than performing for others. To let them enjoy and capture them in that moment, to enchant and put them in a trance-like state and bring them through the emotional journey. To force them to scream, yelp, tear, cry, sob, be angry, happy, laugh and let them enjoy the catharsis. It's just beautiful, subliminal even. And pure harmony.

Love ya'll

A touch of truth

Hearing, reading and knowing what university alumni has to say about their alma altar is still not good enough. Yes they do give us a picture, a rough idea, of the school culture and strengths but do we really fit in?

Just browse through the papers and tah-dah! you'll find half a page of advertisements on a local university and what its alumni has to say. And then you think,"Hey maybe this school is for me! I wannabe smart and successful just like them!"

Truth
1. The students featured are already good enough hence chosen. You might not be. The school does help to boost their success through its syllabus, teaching style, curriculum, activities, etc. If you're not good enough then you'll be deprived of certain priviliges given to only those deserving - the already smart and sucessful. Small fries get shelved and eaten by the jaws of time.

2. I'm a small fry.

Fiction
1. The school can make a small fry become a big fry that will fry others; the lame-ness of this statement is equivalent to the absurdity of the idea.

Just like the relentless and appalling number of death toll reported recently.

Master Jensen: (after hearing the news from BBC) Everywhere people are dying. Not of old age, or sickness but of violence.

Me: (after a momentary pause) And it's sad that people are getting smarter (and more intelligent).

I find it simply alarming that intelligent and well-bred human beings are inflicting pain on Gaia and themselves. And here's the best part: even after knowing better! What is wrong with us? What's happening to the mind that was given to us by Him to be used wisely?

And the government of those affected countries? It is clear and well understood why they refuse to accept foreign aids eventhough the situation is deteriorating exponentially. Having foreign aids to intervene and help settle down the dust would show their incomptence in managing a large-scale catastrophe such as an earthquake and cyclone.

I think there would not be a better time than now to foster good international relations. It's how friendship is built; good friends stay when others walk out. Let them in and help. It's not a problem so stop making it as one. Time is running and more people are dying. Please understand the gravity of the situation.

Can it be pride? Or a whimsical paradox?

To fail is a way to succeed.

Last Thursday I went for a 5-km route march with the MOCC cadets. Not having done a route march for a very long time, I wasn't cynical of my capabilities. I knew I could do it though people were telling me otherwise and discouraging me to go. But that wasn't the problem, this is: during the march a few of the cadets were lumbering even before the halfway point and the instructors were indifferent. I suddenly became mad and worried at the same time. Why didn't they (the cadets) fall out and why didn't the instructors force them to? Those poor fellas were slogging through intense pain. So I talked to Kent (he was the safety officer for the march) about it yesterday and he said something along the line of,"the commander and instructors know but they want to cadets to endure and persevere. It's not being heartless, it's being caring."

Fuck!

And then I realised, it's a fucking natural paradox. But can there be no compromise?

I'm not sure if the Burmese and Chinese government are going to let foreign aids in anytime soon or even ever. But this I know for sure, if they keep preaching that safety is paramount don't openly breach it in the name of paradox. Compromise and lead, that's what I think any good leader should do.

Love ya'll

Not happy

I feel like writing something but I just don't know what! Errgh fuck this shit.

And if I'm bad communicating, tell me. Thanks Astri.

PS:

What is it that I know and am so sure about?

What is it? And what can it be?

Seems like I know nothing and that I blabber utter rubbish all the time. Explains why I got a C6 for GP and people stop talking, I think the word is communicating, with me at certain point of time. Gosh I must have been so thick and dense to not realise such a simple thing...

But dear Life has to go on and I will have to realise what matters to me.

I think I need sex, or friends with benefits for a start.

PPS:

If I let out - i.e. say out - the crazy things that I'll do, it means I won't. The frustration is already out; nothing is bottling up.

Too complicated? No one is easy to comprehend.

PPPS:

This is what I see: people have talents, they are good at something whatever it is whereas me, I lack so many things and needless to say, being good at something. Seducing? I'm not seductive nor sexy. Business? I don't have the aptitude. Writing? I'm clumsy with words. Talking? I speak gibberish. Leadership? Pfft. Being trendy? I am not good with style and latest fashion. Confidanteship? I'm trying but doesn't seem going well. Crafty? I have no such creativity. Dance? I'm not good at that either. Acting? I'm amateur-ish.

So what is it that I can be proud of?

Love ya'll

Uhm...

The money will be in tonight (YEAH!) which means I'll be...neither poorer nor richer (what!? why? oh no!)...

That's 'cause I have to put aside some amount - which is quite a lot you know - for the bills and all those kinda things I have to pay. Like duh right people. Lol. You also what. Kakakaka.

So after coming up with a plan (several actually) I have decided.

On another note, I feel like catching a play. The one by Young & Wild, The Hydrochondriac or something like that lah. I'm most prolly going with Su - my theatre buddy (*winks flirticiously at her) - next Thursday. If I go then I tell you lah hor. Otherwise, sorry. Go watch and tell me!

Oh ya, do you know that you use "if" only if you want the person to reply. "Whether" is used whether you want the person to reply or not. +)

Haiks. Baeg and Ahmad gonna ORD this June. And Kent November, so is Dickson. And so many other people also...SMTI will not be the same lor. I mean I can make new friends but it just wont be the same, it's simply different. I'm gonna miss them. I already am (I think). Don't laugh at my melodrama. It's true okay. Uhm!

I mean like even in camp it's hard to meet, what more outside. Like JT. Eversince he ORD, I never see him. Okay that was a lie. I did, once. For a meet up. Then long period never see. Then later this 24th I think I seeing him again. Like very long then can see sia. It's so what right?

But we keep going forward, just don't forget to pick up the pieces when you pass them.

Love ya'll

A dumb ass talking

Physical intimacy, sex, kissing, touching and all other taboo but rudimentary subjects that make a man have genders. It's either a male or female; no two way about it. Simple, less complicating and acceptable. And it has one criterion: it cannot be done by two people of the male species.

Lol.

Any other permutations would do, except for that one. Why?

I do not wish to be dogmatic but the absurdity of the exclusion compels me. As far as history is concern, boy-lovers were many among the royalties and those who've had the privelege of being in the hallmark of human history. Alexander, Phillips, Aristotle, rulers of the cultured Chinese empires have had them. Don't you want one too, it's easier to get one to you know? You've one here who's willing to give it a try. =)

And male escorts aka a more legitimate term for gigolo? The rich have them. Doesn't your innate desire to be someone great urges you, even the slightest?

If you can't be The Rich, then tweak a lil bit of their lifestyle and it's yours. I think we had a math prodigy doing that somewhere in the world (a math prodigy, oh goodness!).

And let's not forget our star. Having had to endure those 10 hours with 251 men pounding on you, man! that takes power and courage. Some would say she's stupid, idiotic and crazy. But what do they know? Were they from one of the elite schools in Singapore and a lawyer, trained in UK, brought up in a strict and astute Christian background?

And models who are good at one thing - giving gorgeous pictures in a flash. Though I cannot but recall reading somewhere and meeting people some time who have more than simply looks. Their brains are just as gorgeous. Tyra, Sharon Stone, Scarlett. Ok, let's bring down the scale to the size of a red dot on a globe. How many models have brains? Jaymee, Lilin, Utt, Nadia, Michelle Chia and Chong, Zoe, ...

Nah...but then again, it's different. People have class, and they are classified. Certain behaviours and mindset can only be applied to certain people and only certain people have those mindset and behaviours. Not all will be given and have equal rights. We need gas and carbon and they need to suffer. We need to live they have to die. They need to be in poverty so that we can have our luxurious life. It's just fair isn't it? A balance. A right balance. Right Murphy? =)

Sometimes I find it better not telling. Other times I wish that people would think, better.

Love ya'll