It just "come to"/"dawn on" me that I write like a Malay. Yeah this is gonnabe a controversial entry but still politically safe. I am a Malay and I'm writing about my own race which effectively means I'm writing about myself.
But before you jump on the wagon let me clarify something. By writing like a Malay I mean the style I use to write my entries, or anything for that matter, is similar to how it would have been written in Malay. The lexical differences does not vary much (awkward expression). I cannot explain it well because firstly I am only an aspired linguist and secondly, it is difficult for me to express in words. But nevertheless I am going to try.
It is very technical. The way somebody writes is influenced by "the way the person is exposed to language"/"how much exposure the person gets" (this is just my view, it may not be true). So the more exposed the person is the better he/she gets. For me I grew up in a Malay household so Malay "is the first language I'm exposed to"/"is my mother tongue". Naturally, I "am"/"will be" better "at"/"in" Malay than "at"/"in" English. So when I have to write in English, I will have Malay influence (awkward expression). It is like, to put in layman term, Malay is the backbone for all the language I am going to learn; explains why I have a Malay accent when I converse in English (super awkward expression). But that was a long time ago. I no longer talk with a Malay accent but still writes with one.
That's why I am frustrated "at"/"with" myself whenever I cannot express myself well in English. It's because "I'm thinking in Malay still"/"I'll be thinking in Malay", though not consciously (needed?). It's like when I have to write something I'll be thinking this is how it is "written"/"going to sound" in Malay, how do I change it to English?
The problem "comes in when I have to choose the words"/"lies in choosing the words" and put("ting") them in a sentence. Even coming up with a sentence is difficult for me because it's heavily influenced by Malay which is wrong. How can two languages collage together in writing? It's a crime! For example I don't know when to use the word "talk"/"speak"/"say" in a sentence or which words should come first "so that it"/"for it to" sounds nice like: "I finally know now...."/"I now finally know..."/"Now, I finally know...." As you can see, using different words and expressing them differently gives different meanings. And if I am not careful, I might "send out the wrong meaning"/"send the wrong meaning out".
And that is the problem I have with spoken and written language. I am not good "with"/"at" them. I am clumsy with words and my expressions are awkward. It is very embarrassing to "still be making such mistakes at this age"/"to be making such mistakes still".
In the end, I subconsciously tune in to the frequency that I am better at: Malay (super awkward expression). And use it as a reference "although I know better"/"despite knowing better" that I shouldn't have and that I can't. But you see, we always go back to what we are familiar with and more comfortable in when in doubt or lost. And that is what I "keep"/"been" doing. I'm stressed.
PS: Note that if I use one of the two expressions I wrote, it'll sound very Malay.
PPS: I wanna kick this habit but I can't seem to. I'm terribly stressed by this.
PPPS: Sorry if I have annoyed you. It's annoying me.