Tuesday, 30 October 2007

For movie goers

If you're planning to watch a movie, have Rendition in mind.

Personally, I like it. It's good to see Reese Witherspoon in a different kind of roles together with Meryl Streep all-most-perfect character embodiment. And that Jake is kissing woman (damn!).

Rendition gives us a sneak inside what happens behind close doors in the politicians' office. And the reason behind them making such decision.

It taps on Jihad a lil, just to make a point that it's due to misinterpretation of the syariah laws suicide bombings happened. And thus the spread of wrong teachings.

It's good.

Now for some thing totally not in context...

I've not been updating because:
  1. Too busy going out
  2. No mood to go online
  3. Nursing a heart

So there. And I'm tired. So nights peeps.

Keep it real and stay out of trouble.


Love ya'll

Sunday, 28 October 2007

It hurts

Good things come to an end.

From a lion's share to a slice.

Now, no more.

Guess I have to deal with such contentment in dismay.

Love ya'll

Saturday, 27 October 2007


I died.

In the introduction of "Nuns and Soldiers" (Vintage Classics version) by Iris Murdoch, Karen Armstrong wrote:

"Not everyone is capable of this type of self-abandonment, however. Yet we all need to be saved from our fear of death and our suspicion that life is essentially without meaning. We all seek ecstacy and an experience that takes us beyond ourselves. If we do not find this in conventional religion, we turn to art, music of all sorts, dance, sex, sport or even to drugs. This search from some form of transcedence is basic to our condition."

I decided to read the intro before the main novel itself. Don't ask me why. And I'm glad I did.

Song / Lagu : Menanti Pasti by Siti Nurhaliza
Lyrics / Lirik :

Kegelapan malam ini menyesakkan jiwa
Tanpa bintang untuk aku mimpikan mimpimu
Aku…merindu indah bulan
Menyuluh kelam malam
Mengharap bintang akan bersinar

Kesepian hati ini mengundang derita
Penantian satu seksa bila tanpa balas
Aku…menanti kata hati
Darimu satu pasti
Mengharap mimpi akan hakiki

Bisikanlah asmaraku
Padanya gelora di kalbu
Hembusan nafas ini hanyalah kepadanya
Mencintai setulus hati

Bukakanlah asmaranya
Padaku setia menunggu
Antara kau dan aku adanya persamaan
Untuk cinta bersemi nanti

Andai ada di hatimu
Ruang cinta itu
Kan ku simpan anugerah
Ke akhir hayatku

Menanti pasti

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPAEv52K0yg
Lyric source: http://lirik-lirik-lagu.blogspot.com/search/label/Siti%20Nurhaliza

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

That Kid


I've always been the kid who aspires to be someone great. Someone whom a lot of people adore. Someone who can do many things and still be good at them.

I've always wanted to be that kid that made it to RJ, with 4A's and 3 distinctions and A1 for GP and MT. Who can speak fluent French and German and Jap. Who has a well toned bod - the kind that will make others oogle. A sportsman - maybe canoist and tennis player - and a musician; can play the piano and most string instruments. The EDB scholar who made it to Cambridge Law then Harvard for PhD, skipping masters 'cause of my excellent LLB results. The perfect man.

Juxtapose it with reality - the neighbourhood kid who did good (not well) enough to go uni and do a decent course, the moderate achiever and commoner, the normal kid at school, the kid who isn't good at many things and sucks at the things he's good at, an acne-prone face, not a sportsman or a musician or an artist, an average build bod, not smart - you get this failed piece of crap blogging about his fantasy.

Why is it that when others dream hard enough they get what they want but me, He gave me something which I don't know wht to do with, taking into consideartion that we both put in a lot of effort? He works in ways I cannot understand. Thus left perplexed and lost.

I try to be me but can others accept me? One word labelled onto you and that's it: doomed! It's probably shocking to Harry Potter fans that Dumbledore is gay. How can a good-hearted, kind, loving and generous man be gay? It's not possible. It cannot work that way. It just can't. No way!

Yet it's true.

Living in denial will probably perpetuate the animosity and prejudism, from others to me and myself to me. But how can one live in peace when the mind is restless? It's utterly impossible for a perfectly human being to do that, lest you're a robot. I've only accepted the fact that I'm flamboyant and bitchy (at times) and I show it during Raya when out with cousins and relatives. I was usually very quiet, almost mute. But this time I didn't wanna hold back. Let others be enthralled or disgusted by my feminity. I don't care anymore. I'm done being self-conscious.

And of course people talk. Aunts complain to each other, in private, and cousins talk among themselves about my very feminine behaviour. Hey if given a choice I'd like to tweak myself to be more manly my dears. But since I can't maybe becoming a eunuch would help. So flaunt what you have while you still can. People are dying even at 23 years old. If my fate is like them I only have 4 years to live. Might as well let it all out. I will regret that I did some things, some undesirable things but I know I'll be proud of myself one day that I did them.

I don't care that I made mistakes at work cause NS to me is just a phase I must go through, whether I want (or like) it or not. I'm oblige to. So why pin myself down when I made mistakes? Sure I'm entrusted with responsiblities but I know I won't go the extra mile 'cause I know I won't benefit from it. Maybe my "conduct" can help but if I'm good enough for a "good" rating then so be it. I know I'm gonna get a "good" anyway. So why try harder? I'm not the "outstanding" or "very good" type. I know. So I live by what been laid down for me. Fair? I think so too.

I wannabe a 3SG when I ORD or be sent overseas sometime in my service, or go MDC. But since I'm not cut out for it, live with what you have. Life give you lemons, make lemonades. Not orange (or lemon) peel. =)

So here's the low-down. I'm the kid who failed to be what he wants so he's learning how to settle with what he has and given, while masking the most important feature of his: his identity. As long as Penal Code 377A won't be repealed it's not safe for me to come out. "It's still a conservative society with strict Asian values being embeded; that forms the strong pillar of a family-centric community thus impossible to abolish it for fear of a collapse of an institution", says someone (whom I cannot recall). So for those who know, thank you for your acceptance and friendship and keeping it low as well. For those who don't, I don't enforce it upon you to accept. Grow with time. Be like the government - following the society instead of upholding a doctrine, and being dogmatic.


Love y'all

Saturday, 20 October 2007

The 4 letter Word that begins with "L"

Ladies and gentlemen, how would you feel when the person you adore say this:

"Don't say that. Of course you're part of my life. It jus frustrates me that I can't be with you at times..."

I guess I'm moving into the world that begins with the letter "L". I can't say it. It'll get me blushing. So malu! Hahak.

But I think it is. Foe one, the person is on your mind and you long for the person when the person isn't near. When you go out, you just wanna spend more time with the person; and not part. I do feel like a bitch, a tiny bit, 'cause my friends are having break-ups but I'm...

And upon mentioning of the person's name, it'll set your heart racing and pimples forming. Hormones gushing savagely.

Good thing I got a good facial wash. It keeps my break-outs at bay. It's been a good three days using it. The product shows effect. Hopefully it'll last. I don't wannabe on the hunting spree again. Too much money spent, too much energy wasted.

And songs like "My All", "My Baby You", "I Have Nothing", "The Way I Are" and "I Can't Live Without You" keep topping off your "favourite song" chart.

Ooh the feeling is overwhelming. And good. =)

Love y'all (especially you)

Friday, 19 October 2007

Perhaps it's...

Perhaps it's...obsession with beauty that I began to be almost...dehumanised. A decision to have those desired contours and streamline figure, or V-shaped torso, fuelled an ambition that on the one hand, seems unachievable. As encouraged by the media, a powerful word in this era has begun reshaping our minds. An era where being too indulgent in looking good and earnestly trying to hide any flaws found is perfectly acceptable but doing otherwise would be frown upon. It's hard to unlearn what has been learnt. It's better to re-learn for it'll overwrite what's previously stored in our mind. The process would be easier and more feasible. Thus the preferable option.

I see others succeed in living the 21st century dream. But I keep on failing, which makes me believe that I'm "not part of the human race." These thoughts have made me blind to those who are like me - the true people. The people who have tried and failed and felt broken. It was only after I met these people did I realise how human it is to be ugly. And that embracing yourself - no matter how unappealing you are and how difficult it is to do so - is the worst and best thing you have to do, sadly. Afterall, beauty is actually spelt as c o n f i d e n c e. So I'm relearning the meaning of beauty. I can no longer look at the word as its literal spelling. I have to look at its connotations. And that takes some maturity. Which I'm fervently trying.

Perhaps it's...boredom - and discontentment - with status quo that forced me to look beyond myself. To stretch that elastic self like a new condom for better comfort. Afterall, the skin is an elastic organ. To be comfortable in it is to leave some room for expansion. Thus the need to stretch it so that I can be comfortable under my own skin.

I once cursed myself for being the unfortunate one to inherit the zits and the not-handsome-at-all genes. But then again, I'm an unhappy bastard of many things. Like Jack who tried to be the master of all traits but ended up being the master of none, I tried everything I could get my hands dirty with and ended up failing and feeling fatalistic about my capabilities. I felt stupid for failing. But my real stupidity is feeling stupid for myself. This I only realised now.

I'm weaving in and out of depression. And like a sword dance of attack and retreat, I keep falling back and moving on. It's akin to luring someone I think. You cannot hail all that you've got on one night. You need to keep some for later nights (and days). Otherwise, you'll lose your target (or your prey).

Perhaps it's...being delusional. Getting my feet wet on acting has been one of the best thing I've ever done. Yet despite compliments and encouragement from friends, I still doubt my ability. Is this what I'm really good at or am I deluding it all? Of which would be perilous for my well-being. Could it be because of an actor's ego, who wishes to hear compliments and protect his pride? Or a voice inside being silenced. Or even conjured. My mental health depends on it. I yearn for acceptance which I already receive but not satisfied. Why would I be questioning then?


Perhaps I have wronged myself. Perhaps I'm not good but think that I am. Perhaps it's a secret desire actually being materialised without me knowing it. Perhaps it's a hunger for obtaining perfection. Perhaps it's a thirst for fornication and committing adultery. Perhaps it's a joy wallowing in sorrow. Perhaps it's fun digressing from the rest. Perhaps it's oppressing an anger. Perhaps it's admirable making my own rules. Or simply perhaps it's just me going through a gestation period of adulthood. I don't know. Perhaps you do.

Love y'all

Monday, 8 October 2007


Today work took its toll. Kena arrow...fuck man. Before I start the job, I saw the clock it read 11.30am. After I finished the job, I saw the clock it read 4.30pm. 4.30pm!!!

My dear people I was stuck in front of the fucking screen till my eyes almost popped out (literally) for 5hours! (Another 5 hours, plus 252 more men, I would have beaten Anabel's record.)

(Which comes to think of it...eee better not. I have kids reading this entry. Choy choy choy!)

Moving on, after the job I had my work to do - update MCs, write up testimonial, being slammed by the Chief who asked me to take a detour to someone's place just to get his MC. He can't send himself cause he's bed-ridden (good riddence!) and his mom is holding on to his original MCs, whatever for...

Yesterday went out with Yahn, Astri, Izzy and Shuk.

New Pictures uploaded under "me-showing" link...

Had a blast yesterday...well prolly due to my sudden introvertive mood I didn't enjoy myself that much. Another reason was because it's back to work the next day...haiz...Shitty right? And also I was becoming a spendthrift...eee...so...kaching...kaching...kaching...draining...drowning...dying...

Another day tomorrow. Just another day. Another tiring day, I'd say.

And it's Raya on Saturday!!!

But I can't sense the festive mood. Oh oh...we're in trouble...something's not right here people...

Anw, where was I...? Oh ya hor, need to sleep. Nights!

Love ya'll

Friday, 5 October 2007

Ruzzie says (2)...

Maklumlah eh these past days I've not been taking my vitamins so been sick. All I need to do is to get near someone who's sick and voila! mua fall sick.

So since I'm bored, I've been thinking. I mean I ought to do something productive other than lusting over hot D. Hahak. Yeah yeah I know I'm fasting. But you cannot stop a man from lusting. You can control how far you wanna lust over someone but not the the instigation part. For that part to not work you have to not be a human. =)

Which is true?
a) Love the woman/man you marry (think modern context of more receptive society)?
b) Marry the woman/man you love?

ans: (a)
reason: If you think about it, you are gonnabe spending your lifetime with someone. Might as well do the good part by falling in love with the person, aight? Perhaps this is why arranged marriages work. =)

You know you board buses and there are those green seats, right? And those seats are meant for the elderly or those who need 'em more than you, right? What if you are on a rather empty bus and an old man board the bus and you are sitting on one of those green seats. What should you do?

a) Get up and find another seat.
b) Let the old man find another seat.

ans: unknown
reason: Ok first thing first, those seats are meant for them. So it sorta mean that those seats are "reserved" for them. That means when an old man comes on board, he's entitled to those seats. You have to give 'em up to those who have reserved them. Logical?

Yet on the other hand, there are so many seats available and hence the above argument would be void. The alarm should ring off only when the bus is full. But us being Singaporean we usually close one eye (or both eyes) and pretend to not see and fall asleep so effectively those seats still have your butt prints on them till your stop comes.

Confusion, confusion, confusion...

Ok this one is rather sensitive so I'm gonnabe careful about it. Your "race" depends on your skin colour or something skin deep?

a) Skin colour.
b) Something skin deep.

ans: unknown
reason: I'm reading this book Cane River by Lalita Tademy. It's about the life of "coloured people" in different communities. In the introduction, Tademy mentioned something like her grandmother is fair, fair enough to pass as being white, yet she's being treated not like a white. This story is set in the 1950's.

And her cousin was her late grandmama's favourite cause she didn't look like the rest. She's white skin, like Ellimone, Tademy's great grandmother.

And it made me ponder cause apparently this kinda thing is still prevalent in our society, in any society for that matter. I cannot get the politics of colour. I mean it's simply colour. And yes colour is important. It helps us identify same things together. For e.g. you have your English file Blue in colour and your Math file Red in colour. It's not being prejudice. It's simply for easy filing and studying. Right?

So when you have colours on objects that are not inanimate, suddenly the rules changed and things start to get serious. This is not a joking matter, or something that should be taken lightly. I know. We are human beings. And humans have feelings. Humans are sensitive.

But if you compare humans and those coloured files, you won't see much difference. Like those files, the papers inside are same in colour i.e white (ignore colour papers, they were once white). Under our skin colour, we have a heart, lungs, liver, brains, intestines, rectum, arteries, blood, plasma, bacteria. So why we do not treat each other fairly?

We will definitely have conflicts. But those conflicts stem from our different views on the same thing. It's based on our morals and ethics. Individual very own mindset, not skin-set. Again, mindset and not anything more. If you decide to look at the outside appearance and equate that to mindset of a person then I think you should watch The Queen. Let the queen bitch some senses into you. =) Unless you wannabe cadaverous then proceed. =)

Moving On
When you've made a mistake, you're advised to move on. These are the steps you should take.
a) Identify the problem. (check)
b) Get help. (check)
c) Try to move on. (uncheck; how?)

This one I often need help, the last step. Thank God I manage to wriggle out of depression again last Monday by being distracted. Distraction is a good sport. It keeps you away from lamenting too much into your problems, and over thinking it. But that don't mean you've solved the problem. They're simply put at bay.

Sometimes I like to think of myself. What I'm capable of doing and reaching. Where's my limit. And why am I feeding on my regrets. It's true that I can be "master of all traits" but that would also mean I'll be "master of none." So which is better?

a) Master of some.
b) Jack of all traits.

ans: ...
reason: ...

Love y'all

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Ruzzie says...

I realised the stories Time magazine covers are mostly political in nature. The Iraq War issues (countless in total) often contain inside stories of the events that took, or taking, place plus how the politicians came to the decision that we see is being implemented. And the current one about the chaos in Burma. The journalist was vivid in her description of the events that took place, and the way she sees politics being played. Accentuating the ugly yet safe enough to neutralise her views. These are just the cover stories.

The other stories too are not spared from such political debate. The usual subjects of commentaries are US and Middle Eastern politicians. Of course not all of the stories, and issues, are laden with politics. Only a significant number is. The rest are quite neutral. Yet I cannot help but be enthralled at such wordplay, one that works when said by the right people rightfully.

On a slightly different tangent, reading Time has made me ponder of how we, small little minions in a large institution called society, act and react to our surroundings. The journalists from Time wrote in as much detail as they could so that readers will get a better picture of the status quo. They are helping us understand some things. And make legitimate conclusion so as not to appear as foolish when passing remarks.

And I think what we can take away from them, if not the stories they share, is how we should understand each other.

I mean come on lah, we sure to have misunderstanding with people right. "They" say...

(up till now I still don't know exactly who are the "they" they're refferring to, my "they" is the "they" who calls others as "they" when they themselves are actually under the name: "They". So which "they" are they referring to? My "they" or their "they" 'cause to me their "they" is the same "they" they are i.e themselves)...

conflicts among people is common. But can we like try not to get into conflict? I mean if we can think ans predict certain things, why not we start thinking and making predictions of our actions or what we have to say?

What I cannot stand is when people have ill-thoughts of others. A little bit only, start to think of the negative side and not the clear-cut obvious intention: the good intention.

For eg ah: in an office, the boss came in and told one of the workers that the office lights are be on during lunchtime. Now, it so happen that this worker who kene told by the boss is the one who often off the lights during lunchtime. So I was there lah with this worker. next thing I know the worker said this,"You se who she told? I know one. She's always like this. She knows I'm the one who off the lights ah so she purposely some and tell me."

I was like....err....ok? Like the hell is the matter Ma'am? She saw you so she tell you ah, why you wanna think so far far like that one. Of course I was saying it in my heart lah. The worker ticked me off with her nagativity. Errgh...

Sometimes also we tend to judge others too quickly. First impresson bad and voila, it's confirm plus chop that the person is bad. A lot of street-kids, ex-convicts, gangsters are the common target for such labelling. I don't see why we ought to do that. I don't make good impressions I know. And I know I get judged too quickly. Hrmmph...to some they're ok with it; no comments. To some they give me that raise eyebrow look.

And I don't about you guys ar but I think the cosmic changes in the world today are affecting the inhabitants. I'm fallin sick and feeling sick even when I'm not falling sick and after getting enough rest. And so many of my friends are too...seram sak...

Love y'all

Monday, 1 October 2007

Sick, taking a break (ok or not?)

Last Saturday went out with YCP peeps for buka puasa at Waroeng (pronounced as "warong", ignore the "e") Penyet, the Bedok outlet. Damn spicy chilly. Damn good chicken. Damn little rice. Damn good Es Chendol. Mmm...mmm..mmm...mmm!

Two most controversial words: sexuality and religion.

Skirting the issue and discussing it productively is good. Otherwise, keep it inside your pocket. Too sensitive lah people. If you want, write a play about it. Send it to NAC, wait for an apporval then stage it.

I'm stressed. Thus sick. My immune system is low. Today decide to visit the doctor, again. Third time this month. I used to have a clean record you know.

And I've been having sleepless nights for the past few days, close to two weeks. Can you imagine going to work when you're shagged?! I'm sure all you working young adults would understand. Yeah, I'm feeling that.

You think that by taking the day off to visit the doctor to help me with my insomnia problem is a legitimate reason, or just another reason for me to "keng" (malinger)? I decide to do it now 'cause things are going uphill from now on.

Hari Raya coming, preparations gonna take its toll.

More productions coming up. Thank God I'm involve in a project: The West Side kampung Story. Would be up in Nov. More details later. I wanna help YCP in the prodution side. Wanna get my hands dirty on something new.

And Duty clerk (the ever emotionally draining duty).

More auditions coming up. It's the season. I found the pattern. So I want to give it my all and not deprive myself of any chances. I need that big break.

So if I don't get rid of this insomnia problem I'm gonna be sick and not be able to do the above. Damn suky. I'll feel worse then I already am.

Thank goodness D is also busy. We're both occupied but still talking. D's cool. =)

Love y'all.