Sunday, 29 July 2007

The Grey Areas

I guess sometimes it's hard to understand what people are saying. They could say one thing but mean another, and vice versa. And the best part is that the true intention didn't get across. Only the supposed one does. Dangerous don't you think?

We all talk. We talk to our friends, families and cousins and strangers even. Talking is our mode of survival. We feel like dying if we don't talk. This is why I believe we even talk to ourselves when there's no one to talk to. We have to talk. We must talk. So we talk.

But when we're talking, are we aware of what is being said? You know, when you say that "George Bush is a bastard and Saddam Hussein is a terrorist", do you know what you are talking about? Where's the evidence to show that they are such people? The newspapers. TV. Word of mouth lor. They say one ma.

This is where we get our evidence- from other sources, be it primary, secondary or tertiary. We need these sources to provide us with subjects to talk about. But these evidences, are they reliable?

The liberation we get to say what we want and how we want it said is fuelled by our basic need of being appreciated. So it's not exactly a big deal to hype the newly imposed law of "free speech" when the truth is that we are actually given what is ours in the first place. We feel appreciated when we are acknowledged. Trust me being a clerk that does a lot of sai kang makes you feel overused and underappreciated; like the "comfort women" during war times.

Those men just wanna have sex. Their dicks are fucking itchy and they are in need of ejaculation. The mechanism in their brain that controls their sex drive has been destroyed by the war, by the grotesque nature of such massacre- killing those whom are deemed as enemies without realising that the same term is being used on them by the other party (bodoh right?)- and now they have to release that tensions by rubbing their cocks in some women's vagina to feel pleasure.

The kind of pleasure and bliss they are longing for. That's my take lah, you are free to choose what you want to think.

So whenever they are feeling horny- a very obvious sign to show that the evil within has come out (so who's the evil one here?)- they just grabbed a woman, stripped her naked, stick their hard muscles into the vagina, rubbed it a few times to give that sense of pleasure, make a few "oohs and ahs" (sounds of pain become sounds of pleasure and arousal), released their cum, jerked her a few times more so that she can feel more pain while they escalate their last moment of pleasure, and get dressed when their done. 5 minutes up.

5 minutes of pain. 5 minutes of pleasure. 5 minutes. And a lifetime of horror and a scar that run so deep that even a lifetime, and beyond, of apologies won't do any good.

You think it was "comfortable"? The term "comfort women" are used by the men. The women are not their source of comfort. Where's the comfort in pain?

Where's the comfort in knowing that you have done something right when children and women are dying at the hands of men? Men who claimed and swore that they will take care of their women and children? Men who promised to make the world a better place? Men who claimed to be heroes?

Where's the comfort when you have caused a family to be torn apart? Brothers going against each other? Men fighting men who are protecting their families? Two men fighting the same war, the same battle, for the same "good" cause but on different sides? Men who would kill their own kind for their own survival? Where's the peace and harmony that these men, these protectors, these heroes, promised to bring?

All I have seen for the past years are more blood dripping onto the same Earth I'm stepping on. The same earth that I'm living in. The same "house" that I'm in. What is this? Can anyone please enlighten me with what they are saying? Oh I'm sorry I forgot. No one understands what that word means. Sish, how stupid can I be? Hahak.

And so we talk. We find something to talk about when we come across an article in the newspaper/TV/word of mouth that is worth talking about and talk to other people. "Sharing our views" so to speak, pretty much like what I'm doing.

But sometimes we find some things worth talking about but decide to not say anything about it because there isn't a need to. There is no need to say that Angelina and Brad are moving to Berlin to protect their child from the paparazzi. There's no need to say that Nicole Ritchie/Lindsy Lohan/ Tyra Banks is anorexic. There's no need to say that Saddam is a terrorist because the ones who are calling him that are one themselves. There isn't a need to say that George is a bastard because he isn't. It's merely a view. It's afterall effusive, permissible by our rights to "free speech".

Hitler's fascism manner drove Germany's economy up. Singapore's democratic way of governance has allowed us to live in peace and harmony; and prospering. Malaysia's claim to be an "Islamic state" is merely a claim of formality and doesn't entail any intentions to stir up the public. And the "Civilization Islam" that many Islamic countries strive just needs a few tweaks to get back on the right path; or even an English teacher to educate them on vocabulary.

So we talk. We hear, and listen and read and talk. But sometimes we have to realise the grey areas that is expanding exponentially. People are getting smarter. They know how to manipulate things to make it look good though it's not so good. They are more experienced in playing the game of life and understanding of the rules. They can con you if you are not careful. If you remain resistant, then you're a dumbass. If you're too receptive, you're naive.

You have to be smart(er) now. And alert. The grey areas- a common metaphor for something bleak and impending doom- are becoming rampant. There's no more light. Forget about the phrase "light at the end of a tunnel"- that's for cavemen. The world is undeniably coming to an end. Find your way through the fog/haze. Train your other senses. Hasn't the "Children of Men", "Munich", "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" and "Frankenstein" teach you anything?

Even the Harry Potter series, "The Chronicles of Narnia" series and "Transformers" are very telling signs that we are living in darkness- great fantasies happen when we are sleeping!

Love y'all

Friday, 27 July 2007

Mimosa, Mazes and Minotaurs

"Life is a journey." Fuck that sentence. It's so cliche, and meaningless. What the fuck does that sentence tell you? Nothing much actually. But for some reason, I believe it. It just lacks explanation, that's all. The missing bit in between.

"We can change our lives." Fuck it. Can we really change our lives? I mean the entire period of time that we are living on Earth. If it's true that humans can control the things in their lives, then that means economists can alter the way the market fluctuates and control the currency rates to avoid the Asian Financial crisis from happening. And the inflation. And stuffs along that line.

The truth is, the economy is controlled by external factors that is uncontrollable by Man. So like life, we cannot change a lot of things. If it's meant to be, that means it's predestined. You're bound to get it. Life is never smooth selling- I'm sure you know that. There will be shit placed on the road you're travelling. You cannot avoid it. You have to go through. To put it nicely, those shits are barriers, obstacles, hindrance, etc.

We cannot see what is ahead of us. We cannot predict exactly what is going to happen. Unlike economics, whereby economists can almost accurately tell the foresight of how the economy is going to behave in the near future (even so they tend to be off point by a margin). Take it like we are going through a maze.

And as we travel more into the maze, we are going towards the centre. And in the centre is where the Minotaur- a vicious monster that is said to harm men, according to the Greek mythology- is chained. We are going towards the Minotaur instead of away from it, as how it was initially meant to be.

Humans are funny creatures. We say one thing but mean another. For example, the invasion of Iraq by the US in 2003 (id I ain't mistaken) is a way of making the US look like a superhero when the truth is that it's becoming zero- it's a period of time when the US is feeling threatened by the increasing number of burgeoning countries from all over the world who have the potential of taking over the US's position as a "world leader"; a title I highly suspect to be self-proclaimed.

And that Taiwan leader who uses the name "Taiwan" instead of "The Republic of China" during his appeal to the UN for something major (I can't recall what it was exactly) which angered China.

And when I say that something is "interesting, it always means "weird".

It's euphemism. And you can say a way to lie in a good way to not appear as lying but doing something good to cover up a wrong.

So, the labyrinth and the journey through the labyrinth to get to the Minotaur, and even the Minotaur itself, are metaphors for our life. When we are moving in the labyrinth, it's like we are aging and learning to become more of a bad person. We are no longer as innocent as a child. You realise that?

Practising vices and performing sins becomes part of our daily activities. And the further we move into the labyrinth, the further we get away from the exit- where the good side is. We know there's goodness 'cause there's evil. How we know that it's evil? Cause of the Minotaur. We know the Minotaur is an evil creature yet we are drawn to it. That means we like it.

Thus, it means we have an affinity for the Evil. And realise that it's a total opposite of what it feels like at the beginning. So that means at the beginning we start at a good point. And opposite attracts. So you start of as good, find evil and fall in love with it. And because it feels good, you decide to acquaint yourself to it. Make sense?

So that explains why we know what's good and bad, and how to differentiate good from evil, but still get lured into the bad side. It's so good to be bad. Fuck care Hell. That's later story. Now enjoy! =)

It's inevitable- we are bound to be an evil person at the end of the road. The same Minotaur that we try to conceal and shun is the same Minotaure that we are drawn into. Walking straight to see him.

So we are like a mimosa that closes when touched to symbolise innocence and shyness and conservatism, the maze that is a metaphor for life and the Minotaur representing the evil within- a complex being altogether.

Love y'all

Sunday, 22 July 2007

Asian Boys Vol III: Happy Endings

Just came back from watching Asian Boys Vol III: Happy Endings with Izzy. Felt a lil ounce of guilt letting her go home alone. My parents were fetching me. But she should be ok. I mean why would all those hot and sexy young men wanna take advantage of her when their boyfriends are around?

What can I say? A beautiful play directed by a creative director and written by a talented playwright. It's brilliant, sentimental and sincere. I have nothing but compliments for the play. Unless you're gay, you'd not feel as strongly towards the play. The issues Alfian raised are pertinent; and cleverly phrased.

Some of which is about the Penal Code 377A (criminalising sexual relations between those of the same sex), Singaporean's conservative view on this taboo issue ( how irky they feel towards gay people despite loudly proclaiming to be a first world country who's mature and liberal), gayism is seen as a disease- a social ill- that has to be eradicated before it infest the pristine mind of innocent children of today and tomorrow, the unsupported fervent effort of gay activists and accentuating how beautiful gay love is- that it's not any different from the kind of love "normal" couples share with one another.

The play also shows how the changing landscape of Singapore isn't exactly a good metaphor for the changing mindset of its people.

Some compelling quotes:

"I am gay. He is not. Therefore, I let him have control of me because he is stronger."

"Being gay is less human."

"There's nothing we can do to change this."

(Pardon if I've misquoted.)

I can trully understand the play and connect with it. It's as if my life is being roleplayed right before my eyes. Such uncanny scenarios are both terrifying and exhilarating. I feel Alfian has managed to make the misunderstood understand gay people's stand and dilemma: that it's not an irksome and taboo issue to be spun around for a good laugh, by stressing on the pain we feel being stigmatised, hence the decision to stay in the closet as a mean of self denial and protection.

He speaks for gay people. He is their voice. Ironically, he is doing what Syl (a character in the play) has failed to do. Sadly, it's not heard by those who are supposed to. Instead it fall onto ears of those who are struggling to make themselves heard. The mistake is thus repeated, except that this time it's on a larger scale.

Another metaphor to describe the great failure for such attempts to cross beyond its expanding boundaries. Even after ten years, no change of perception is evident albeit the drastic landscape- an apt symbol, in my opinion to portray the massive and expanding external changes to blanket the burgeoning inside problem- changes.

Through this we can see clearly that the society at large is wearing a mask, to cover up an innate fear, and is actually suffering from some form of inferior complex. The character of Kenneth- a Humanities scholar from RJC who returned to Indonesia to marry a woman and become a father to two kids instead of staying in Singapore and defend his love which he had reaped with Chris (the protagonist)- represents this.

I can go on but I think I'll stop here. I wouldn't want this blog entry to be a literature essay. You guys should go and catch it. It will run till 29th July (next Sunday). Tickets can be purchased at or authorised sistic counters (check the website for their various locations).

Love y'all

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

What's happening?

Ion Orchard. Like what the hell? Imagine you saying this to your friend in three year's time:" Hey wanna go Ion Orchard?!" (tioa!).

I mean of the fifty people being surveyed, "28% like it, 68% hate it and the rest are indifferent" (The Straits Times, 18th July 2007). Isn't that very telling how ridiculous it sounds?

I would never tell my overseas friends to come to Ion Orchard. I'll ask if they wanna go "to that new hip and happening shopping centre beside Orchard MRT?" I'll never tell them we're going Ion Orchard. If they ask, I'll whisper them the name and quickly make them take an oath to never ever mention the name of that shopping centre. Just say it's The Orchard.

Doesn't that sound simple, chic and attractive? Ok fine, it may not. But feel free to come out with your own. So long as it's not and cheesy as Ion Orchard. Ugh. Bluek.

Love y'all

Monday, 16 July 2007

Things that are clogging my life

Like rubbish stuck in a pipeline, this is the same for my life...

I admit that I'm not having a good time living.

Number one. I'm having breakouts. I don't know why. I exercise, I avoid oily food, nuts and I wash my face regularly. Still I have breakouts. Hormone problems? Fuck hormones! Fuck it!!

Number two. My mom is prying into my life. I need and want her out! I wanna move out. With some total strangers- it wont bother me if they're a srial killer. That might be good. =)

Number three. I feel like a tub of lard walking around. Like Frankenstein. Everything about me doesnt seem good to look at.

Number four. I'm losing faith. I won't be out of my religion. I won't let theat happen. But I'm losing myself. I'm drifting like a restless soul. I cannot find peace even in the things that I like to do.

Number five. My mom's overly ridiculous behaviour that my dad is seeing another woman simply because he 1) doesn't switch on his handphone, 2) doesn't answer one phone call from her, 3) comes home five minutes (literally) later than usual, 4) finishes his money in a day or two after she has transfered some money into his account. These are four out of the hundred ridiculous reasons she can think of. I am not kidding about the number of reasons. I'm too mad to recall anymore. Even if I do, after listing all I'll end up on tomorrow's papers cover page. And a ticket to hell.

Number six. My dad's all-negative-look at life as a whole. E.g. He can never be out of debt. Another: He blames his employer for promoting new workers and raising their pay instead of his. 3) He is right, he knows what is good. "Either listen or I'll flare up."

Number seven. I'm feeling claustrophobic.

Number eight. I know that I'll disappoint all, including myself, at anything I'll do- getting good grades, getting good job, getting into a good school, counting on a shoulder to cry on, etc.

Number nine. I cannot get my registers right. My notes and keys are often off despite my best attempt to do it right.

Number ten. I'm happy and problem-free on the outside. The happier I look, the more I'm withdrawing from myself.


Number twelve. My time is coming. I can tell. =)

Love y'all
Hrmmph..I realise something today, I cannot write lah! Compare the other people on my link list. I mean, read their entries and you'll know what I'm talking about. Read Huda's, Sufian's, Sarah's, Wilfred's, Izyan's and Sufirah's.

This is fuck up. Try so hard also cannot make it. Damn I'm such a fatalistic, pessimistic bugger. Hahak. I like to compare myself to others, them being my ruler for how good I am. It's not good sometimes, I know. That means I'll always be behind them. But seriously, when you think that all you have is the balls you're know what I mean. Why can't I ever be good enough?

Good enough for who? For myself. Yes I do have high expectations and standards so when I fall short, I hate myself- thinking that I'm incapble of EVERYTHING!

Prolly this is the lost Ruzy talking. I swear I'm schiczo.

I need something tangible to prove to myself that I am good enough. Any evidence? Hahak. Don't think so. It seems that this is a personal entry. So only me, myself and I know its contents.

You see! I think I'm an A,A (A,A= attention seeker). But I don't want to be one. I can never understand this...this...whatever you wanna call it...part of me. Always conflicting. Damn irritating.

Now where else should I go? What other dirty laundry do I have to hang for all to see?

Oh yes. I don't like 2WO Laksmanan. He's this warrant officer in my unit. I just don't understand his quirks. It's hard to sieve when he's serious and when he's not.

Ok now grammar problem. That has been solved...I think. Can anyone counter check? Now vocab. Ok maybe meaning of words I know. More than I used to lah at least. Next problem...expressions. Hrmmph...Huda can help me with this one? can too. You're doing e lang and philo right? So must be damn good at writing! Hahak. Assumptions assumptions assumptions. =)

Kak Ada is now married. The family jewel- that's what everyone of us believes (the cousins at least)- is now shared with more people. She's the highest achiever: Cedar, AJ, NUS, teacher. I think I can be better than her. Hrmmph...but how? (See how I measure)

Su is cool. She's smart. Can tell from the way she writes. Same for Huda, Yap, Yahn, Izzy and Wilfred. It's true lah you can tell if a person is smart from the way he/she writes. Betcha think I'm a himbo. No. I aint. How can I be? Himbos at least got looks ba. Me? Hahak. (See how I measure)

It's fucking irritating to measure myself according to them. On one hand, I'm underming myself. On the other, I'm have a goal to work for. I don't know how should I go on? Which direction to head?

I wannabe able to write. I don't want to be that bastard whom everyone (it seems like so) thinks and believes to be a loser; incapable of anything. By being a writer I mean no more expression problems. Sick of being stuck with the same ols fucking problem...hopefull not for life! Hahak.

Oh starting soon. Update more soon!

Love y'all

Sunday, 15 July 2007

Pictures from Kak Ada's Wedding

Today is Kak Ada's Wedding. She tied the knot yesterday, 140707, with her husband Abang Farhan. These are the photos I manage to get to piece it all together in a sequence of event.

Day before Wedding (Dinner on 140707)

Wedding Day (150707)

Hope they'll face future endeavour together, always!
Love y'all

Thursday, 12 July 2007


It's a universal understanding that nothing comes for free. Even the "free gift" that we received in a Lucky Draw comes with a price- either you have to buy something of a certain amount before you are entitled to a coupon; or you'll get cheap fragile products that easily break into pieces. It may sound unbelievable that it's only recently that I truly understood what this word "payment" means, both in its literal and figurative form. And the pricetag attached to it. But it's true.

I went shopping again yesterday. I couldn't resist the urge to buy new tops and pants when they are on sale and I have money, although I promised myself to curb these urges. It's like placing a cigarette in front of an ex-smoker. I easily succumbed to temptation. Eventhough I have to pay a hefty sum of $100++ in total, I do feel satisfied. During my retail therapy session, nothing feels better than hearing the beeping sound of the Nets machine saying "Approved". My heart leaped joyfully after each successful payment is made. How can I not be? Rather than spending $100++ on two items at Topman, I managed to bag about 8 items for the same price.

Sadly, "payment" can also be spelt as "consequences"; and the second spelling has a heavier pricetag attached to it. It's like the feeling of regret you get when you revert back to your old habits which you have tried to kick for a long time. Now I am left with a few dollars left to spend for the rest of the month.

I am having a problem here. It's the addiction I have for shopping. I picked up this bad habit recently. I called it bad because it does harm to myself. And although I brought this upon myself, I would still pin the blame on the habit. I cannot identify myself with the problem because it's quite uncanny. Perhaps you can call it denial. But would you still want to take the blame when you are accused of picking up smoking/drugs/drinking? The most probable culprits will be your friends whom you hang around with. You would say that it's "peer influence/pressure". As for me, it's the same. It started out as envy for my friends who get to shop when we go out. Then when I start earning, I made up for those losses. The difference between me and them is that they still have savings after spending. I barely have any to even start a saving amount. In my attempt to make up for those losses, I'm losing even more. Now I am addicted to it. I need help. Professional or amatuer assistance will do. So long as I get to get myself out of this mess. I'm not in debts yet. I fear one day I will be burdened by heaps of unpaid bills. I want to get out of this spiral downwards pattern. Help me! Please!

Due to my careless behaviour, now I have to pay double the price- the hefty pricetags and the heavy consequences. If I keep up with this habit, I might have to pay the consequences life. I wish it wouldn't happen. I'm trying my best to not let it happen. I need someone to guide me through this. If there are more people willing to help, I'll be glad.

Is this a burgoening problem in a well developed and materialistic country like Singapore? It seems that the increasing number of financial institutions providing financial help through various schemes is a strong warning that many Singaporeans are not managing their wealth properly. Thus the need for professional financial institutions like OCBC abd HSBC to step in and lend a helping hand. Do you guys suffer the same problem as me? If you are, let's help each other out. I think it's one of the best way to pave ourselves out of this problem.

Love y'all

Saturday, 7 July 2007

Going Green

Today is "Save the World Day". While the motive of this effort is to protect the environment, the outcome is otherwise. I won't talk about this. Everyone knows about it anyway.

But seriously, I think such massive effort to spread the message has come a little bit too late. What happened to learning from past mistakes and acting before a potential disaster strikes? Apparently, history can repeat itself despite our best attempt to avoid it. Now the Earth is almost at the verge of extinction. I'm not being pessimistic. It's true right? Perhaps now we finally realise how inhumane we have become. Not to mention how un-formidable (to coin an un-English term) we actually are. =)

Like the rest of the World, I am also going green- WITH ENVY! Bloody hell, Rihanna is 19 ok. Freaking teenager. 19 years old! 19. 19. 19. 19! 19! That's 1-9. One, nine= nineteen! Wanna know who else is nineteen (19). ME! I don't care about the other nineteen year olds. (This is where you'll go FUCKING CEBAITIC BITCHY BASTARD! MONGREL!)

My response: bluek!

She is living the life. Unlike me; us (fine whatever- roll eyes). Hahak. What a day I tell you. What a day! She is so blessed. A life deserve to be envied, wouldn't you agree? It's her luck I must say. The only thing that I fear is that she'll lose herself and be like Britney Spears. If like Christina then can. It's better. So please Rihanna fans, pray for her welfare and good future! You go girl "under the Umbrella"! Hahak.

Love y'all

Friday, 6 July 2007

Same old, same old

Last Wednesday was ayah's birthday. We, rather it was ibu who, decided that we should celebrate it. As usual, we had a hard time choosing the place where we wanna eat. Finally, we went to the food centre at East Coast- the place I suggested (ehem ehem). The food was awesome! We had Kailan Belacan, BBQ stingray, Tom Yam Soup, satay (chicken, mutton, babat),and Fried Chilli Sotong; with plain rice. Man did I eat a lot! Like a lot lah. Never ate so much before. I was super full but content. =) Thank you ibu and ayah for paying! Hahak.

The next day, went running after work with Alfred. Alfred is my upper study. He is cool and a fun person to be around with. He is often jovial. He made learning easy and worthwhile.

We ran almost half round the entire camp. It was exhausting lah, duh! But worth it. I plan to run like ever day but today I didn't. Too tired from yesterday's and last Tuesday's run, and late nights.

(note: late night means anytime after 11pm)

I can't get enough sleep. Apparently, six hours of sleep isn't enough. So everytime at work I'll be drowsy and trying my hardest to keep myself awake. I yawned a lot whenever Alfred is explaining something. Damn rude lah I tell you. It's like telling Alfred that "you are boring, can you please shut up so that I can sleep?" Cebai right? So sorry Alfred! =(

I'm getting use to my new job. I won't deny that I am still having difficulty knowing who and who in the school but I'm learning. =) And I think that's more important.

I've just finished this book "Teach yourself Correct English." I know you must be asking why am I reading such ridiculous book at this age, right? Even if you're not I believe you'll eventually be, soon. Well basically to recap what I have learnt. Army is robbing m of my basic rules of grammar. Do you guys know that "ain't" is a colloquial term thus can be used rather freely. It's not a contraction for "am not".

That's pretty much it.

Love y'all