Hrmmph..I realise something today, I cannot write lah! Compare the other people on my link list. I mean, read their entries and you'll know what I'm talking about. Read Huda's, Sufian's, Sarah's, Wilfred's, Izyan's and Sufirah's.
This is fuck up. Try so hard also cannot make it. Damn I'm such a fatalistic, pessimistic bugger. Hahak. I like to compare myself to others, them being my ruler for how good I am. It's not good sometimes, I know. That means I'll always be behind them. But seriously, when you think that all you have is the balls you're hanging...you know what I mean. Why can't I ever be good enough?
Good enough for who? For myself. Yes I do have high expectations and standards so when I fall short, I hate myself- thinking that I'm incapble of EVERYTHING!
Prolly this is the lost Ruzy talking. I swear I'm schiczo.
I need something tangible to prove to myself that I am good enough. Any evidence? Hahak. Don't think so. It seems that this is a personal entry. So only me, myself and I know its contents.
You see! I think I'm an A,A (A,A= attention seeker). But I don't want to be one. I can never understand this...this...whatever you wanna call it...part of me. Always conflicting. Damn irritating.
Now where else should I go? What other dirty laundry do I have to hang for all to see?
Oh yes. I don't like 2WO Laksmanan. He's this warrant officer in my unit. I just don't understand his quirks. It's hard to sieve when he's serious and when he's not.
Ok now grammar problem. That has been solved...I think. Can anyone counter check? Now vocab. Ok maybe meaning of words I know. More than I used to lah at least. Next problem...expressions. Hrmmph...Huda can help me with this one? Sufirah...you can too. You're doing e lang and philo right? So must be damn good at writing! Hahak. Assumptions assumptions assumptions. =)
Kak Ada is now married. The family jewel- that's what everyone of us believes (the cousins at least)- is now shared with more people. She's the highest achiever: Cedar, AJ, NUS, teacher. I think I can be better than her. Hrmmph...but how? (See how I measure)
Su is cool. She's smart. Can tell from the way she writes. Same for Huda, Yap, Yahn, Izzy and Wilfred. It's true lah you can tell if a person is smart from the way he/she writes. Betcha think I'm a himbo. No. I aint. How can I be? Himbos at least got looks ba. Me? Hahak. (See how I measure)
It's fucking irritating to measure myself according to them. On one hand, I'm underming myself. On the other, I'm have a goal to work for. I don't know how should I go on? Which direction to head?
I wannabe able to write. I don't want to be that bastard whom everyone (it seems like so) thinks and believes to be a loser; incapable of anything. By being a writer I mean no more expression problems. Sick of being stuck with the same ols fucking problem...hopefull not for life! Hahak.
Oh shit...work starting soon. Update more soon!