Sunday, 30 December 2007

Holding back

"No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you"
"No One"
-Alicia Keys

I'm holding back. I have to I guess. It's not acceptable to let everything go. And tell everyone.

Though "no one can can in the way of what I feel for you", a barrier still exist. Don't ask. You know.



Saturday, 22 December 2007


Happiness is a state. We are either in or not. You cannot be “kinda” happy. There’s no grey line in which Happiness spans. It’s like the boundary between a genius and a nutcase – not vague yet confusing. It’s like a space that spills into another sometimes, but not much. Just a little portion. Small enough to be rendered as negligible.

Neither can Happiness be bought. It has no value tagged to it in the first place. It’s priceless. However, in this materialistic and labeling world something like Happiness that cannot be measured is forced upon a number. It has to be have a limit that’s tangible for everyone to see. One, two, three hundred are still numbers. They are some of the common numbers people use to price Happiness.

People like to label. Not all of course, just some irritating ones. Little do they know how difficult they have made living for some people. Yes it does help on identification. But having an identity that can be used against you isn't favourable. Who likes it when you're ostracised?

This is the consensus I get from the research I've done on AIDS victims. And this is also the message Aids Anthology and The Life of Vannessa - a double bill production that I AM IN which will run on the 18th and 19th of January at Tampines East CC (near the now no longer standing Ngee Ann Sec Sch building) hope to send across. It's in conjunction with the World AIDS Day campaign.

Your support is greatly appreciated.

Love ya'll

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

Don't stop me when I'm high

I'm high. On excitement, I think that's what it is. You see the day after I published the last post I felt better.

Su- Thank you for the message you wrote on my c-box. Though we didn't speak, your reply was enough. It's good to be reassured.
Iqah- Thanks for the support.

Kent- Thank you for being there as well. =)

Speaking of whom, I spent the evening with him just now. So yes...sorry Yi Han and Aisyah for turning down our triple dinner date.

We caught up on some stuffs. Finally, had some quality time with him. You see the thing about him is that he's like a prophet-like individual. He's really strong - both morally and aurally. I feel so good being with him. He has this infectious good energy that easily diffused into you. Not that other people don't have but I don't why [it's one of those thing you can't explain but simply accept] we can click really well. He's like a soulmate. Ok people, open your mind here. I don't need more narrow-minded suakus. It's a connection. I feel so honoured to simply have known him. He's a buddy lah to put it simply.

One that's so close that - for comfort of conventialist/traditionalist - if he's a guy and I'm a girl, marrying him would be violating the cosmic rights of Nature. Not because of the platonic nature of our relationship - speaking of which I think that when the word 'platonic' is used, the word 'romance' comes closely after hence platonic t'would not be a good and apt word but it stays for now, maybe brotherly would be a good substitute, hmmm...anyway - and that it has to remain that way till like forever which like defeats the purpose of marriage [you get married to have sex what no meh?], but because marrying him would be derogatory to me as a person. It's marrying Alcmena. Hahak, for the lack of a better allusion. But apt though. Very the apt. Hahak...

I love him. No, not the romantic kind of love. It's the friendship kind of love: a kind of love that binds Man together. A kind that's the strongest of its kind. The one which I personally believe, to a large extent, forms the fundamental of all kinds of love, 'cause with friendship love forms other kinds of love e.g. romantic love. Agree?

Whatever lah eh. Me always crapping like chicken backside non-stop. I leave it as it is. So till later...

Love ya'll, =)

Saturday, 15 December 2007


i am an emotional being. very emotional actually. tht means if i'm feeling angry or sadness, it gets amplified quite easily. i don't know if this are natural or made up. as in i made these drama in my life and cause this emo freak to roam the world, oblivious to many. i realised this after reflecting a lil on myself.

i used to talk to this person who's life is full of drama. i was on the person's side because of friendship. i listen to what the person has to say. lamenting. brooding. spilling all the pain inside that the person might not show.

"I understand that THERES some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you"

i was there for the person often. we got closer of course. so we share many things. the person knows me well. and i know the person. it was a good friendship. one which i didn't know i'd have. but as time passes, i realised how the person tends to spin simple matters into something big till it becomes a drama. and when it gets too big, the person will seek my help. i didn't know why i didn't see these in the first place. it was ovious how blinded i was. and i blame myself for this.

because if i accept wht the person said means i'm in agreement with the person.

"Then it's just a shame on me
I'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me"

and this is prolly because i yearn for such drama myself. now why would i want this? why do i want to get trap in such unnecessary mess?

because i wanted attention. i dread being in the background at all times. to be present but not notice. yes me. yes i was the kid tht not many people wanted to take notice of cause i'm a boring person. or maybe something more. i don't know why i was alone most of the time. i do have friends. a few. but i wanted more. i envied those who are popular. the kid who has all the attention. the kid tht many take noticed of. why couldn't anyone see me?

was it because i am a sissy? a pusy? an effiminate bastard? an embarrassment? an irritant? an annoyance? an apathetic child? why can't people see me? and talk to me? strike a conversation with me? how much of a social outcast am i? was i diseased for being effiminate? is being gay a biological PROBLEM? like tumour? or AIDS? am i cancerous? why wasn't i taken seriously? i was mocked. bullied. picked on. made fun of. like a freak.

torture. torment. turmoil. stress. suicide. pain. agony. horrid. red. black. grey. epidermic.

well...guess it's pointless letting all these out now. the damage done. the embarrasment felt. the molestation forgotten. kept in silence. but i'll never forget. i'll never forget wht he did. he thinks he is living his life peacefully. tht i have forgotten wht had happen. as if it was a dream tht disappeared. buried deep within. never will be unearthed. but the story continues. once was bad. twice? thrice?

events in childhood shape the adults they become. how can i blame myself for wht happened? was i aware of wht's wrong? morally wrong? or acceptable? so who should i blame? put the blame on me? easy. pointing fingers? denial.

so now i am the person i become. a melodramatic ruzaini. a sad and pessmistic ruzaini. be positive?

when you slipped into depression and afraid of telling others about it - people laugh when you tell them - would you dare?

These streets remind me of quicksand (quicksand)
When your on it you'll keep goin down (goin down)
And there's no one to hold on too
And there's no one to pull you out
You keep on fallin (falling)
And no one can here you callin
So you end up self destructing
On the corner with the tuli on the waist tight just got outta the bing doin stay time
Teeth marks on my back from the canine
Dark Memories of when there was no sunshine
Cause they said that I wouldn't make it (I remember like yesterday)
Holdin on to what god gave me

Cause thats the life when ur
Living in the (ghetto)and
Eating in the (ghetto)or
Sleeping in the (ghetto) (ghetto)
Cause thats the life when ur
Living in the (ghetto)and
Eating in the (ghetto)or
Sleeping in the (ghetto, ghetto, ghetto)

[verse two]
No need to cherish luxuries (cause everythin' come and go)
Even the life that you have is borrowed (Cause your not promised tomorrow)
So life your life as if everydays' gon be your last
Once you move forward can't go back
Best prepare to remove your past
Cause ya gotta be willin to pray

There gotta be (there gotta be) a better way oh
Yea ya gotta be willing to pray
Cause there gotta be (there gotta be) a better day (ay)
Whoever said that this drama would stop today
A lot of niggers dead or locked away
Teenage Women growing up with aids

Cause thats the life when your
Living in the (ghetto) oh
Eating in the (ghetto) or
Sleeping in the (ghetto, ghetto)
Thats the life when ur
Living in the (ghetto)oh
Eating in the (ghetto) or
Sleeping in the (ghetto, ghetto, ghetto)

Gun shots every night in the (ghetto)
Crooked cops on sight in the (ghetto)
Every day is a fight in the (ghetto)
(oh oh oh oh oh)
Got kids to feed in the (ghetto)
Selling coke and weed in the (ghetto)
Every day somebody bleed in the (ghetto)
(oh oh oh oh oh)

Thats the life when your
Living in the (ghetto)oh
Living by the (ghetto)oh
Eating in the (ghetto, ghetto)
Thats the life when your
Living in the (ghetto)oh
Sleeping in the (ghetto)
Living in the (ghetto, ghetto, ghetto)


Akon -Ghetto

it's hard being happy. i cannot find the vibe. i refuse to get the vibe rather. i'd rather wallow in self-pittance and self-destruct. it's a typical teenage angst. but i know better. i know better. is this always why i'm always complaining? brooding? getting attention? kent has been telling me to be happy. life's too short. but if i have no reason to live for, why try so hard?

i do not live in a ghetto. yet ghetto is written all over it.

i'm pessimistic. i've nothing to live for. i no longer enjoy acting. dancing. chilling with friends. going out to have a life. there's so much in my mind tht i want to let go.
i want to let go.
i want to let go.
i want to let go.

someone. anyone. please help me. please. please. i'm emotionally unstable. i kid you not. i don't know how much more do i need to emphasise the severity of my condition. i think i need closure. i might need closure. from past wounds. from something. something intangible. right now i feel empty. spiritually empty. lost. confused. darken. restless. like a ghost...

Too much

I realised that my last entry was dated 09/12/2007. That's...about a week ago! Don't worry. It's not that my life has gone boring. Instead the opposite is true. It's very...can't grasp a word for it!

For the whole week, there has been nothing but drama and excitement coupled with funky and crazy happenings that made me live. There were way too much that happened. Way too much.

For one, I confessed to Benji about how I felt about him. I was transparent about the issue that's gnawing me. One which I can only tell others this much. I didn't know what I was doing rather yet it felt apt and right. And proper. Benji if you're reading this, you know what I'm talking about.

And the reason behind me telling Benji has got something to do with what happened in camp. Something life-changing; and instilled so much fear in me. Fear of losing a friend. It was surreal and traumatising. If what I had pictured in mind trully happened, I'd be lying in bed. Fate has a funny way of giving you a wake up call. If what I had imagined had happened, I'd lost Kent. Like lose him cause he...I shan't say it. It's so fucking painful, so painful to have it in mind. And I shan't wrte it either for fear of it coming true. My heart literally stop for two beats when I first heard the news. I really thought and believe I'd lost kent: my confidant and buddy. A true buddy. I think I would have died spiritually. This is so melodramatic but try to think about it in this line: you lost your dad to a road accident. How'd you feel? Take the pain and grief and concentrate it to one part of your heart. It is akin to that feeling.

Just now Shai had a post-production party. It was fun, meeting people whom you've not seen for a few weeks. We camwhored and ate and caught up with things. Too many to talk about but my eyes are too droopy.

So it's heading to bed for me. Yourself? Where are you heading off to? Whichever way, just be careful. Never underestimate safety. NEVER! Cause if you do, you'll LITERALLY LOSE someone that you care for so much. Till then...

Love ya'll

Sunday, 9 December 2007


Today Miss Hartini - my JC civic tutor - got married. I went lah of course. She looked so gorgeous. It was a simple wedding. I also met up with my former JC classmates. Not much changes I noticed. One difference is that they're now smarter than me...haiz...sobs...hahak. Ok, moving on. Oh yes, will upload the pictures on later date. No mood to do it now. Sorry. =)

Then went out with Shafiq from my camp. It's so whatever lah Bugis. Nothing appealed to me so much so that I want to buy something. I had no intention of buying anything but would pay for something if it's worth my money. Sadly, nothing. Maybe it's not that sad cause...

I went shopping at Guardian instead! Hahak. Not a likely place to shop right? But hey, shopping for stuffs to make you look good is always therapeutic, regardless of what it is that you shop for - clothes, accessories, skin products, etc. Of the things I bought, about 80% are Nivea products, 19% L'Oreal and the last 1% from Scholl. Hahak.

I love Nivea Visage products lah. They're the only range that works for my skin I realised. I just bought the "Aqua Sensation" cream. And the "Deep Oil Control" cleanser works for me. I can't wait to see the results. =)

Ok, till later...

Love ya'll

Saturday, 8 December 2007

The Urge

I had the urge the blog since last Thursday but cannot seem to get the stamina to log in and type. Been out till about...12ish(?) daily for the past few days. Hey I need a life OK. NS has taken up a bulk of it. So it has to be compensated. Shut up. It's my life (song "It's my life" starts playing in the background) so I can do whatever I want it and you ain't got nothing to say about it ya'll. No, no, no, no shit. No shit, no shit ya'll. Love. Peace out! -_-"

Let's cut the being Black crap. I ain't one in the first place. So here's what I wanna talk about.

The first would be my awesome night out at some salsa pub at Clarke Quay last Saturday with a few friends and strangers whom I met at Shaiful's soiree. Really good ambience and chemistry among us. Felt good chancing this cute guy (and sophisticated) who's Charlie's best friend. Damn I wish I am his kind. Hahak. But nevermind. Moving on...

The rotten week where I had to deal with an a**hole who hasn't stopped giving the whole office problem since 2 months ago. My poor chief clerk. She needs to go for counselling session soon, I think. She's been through a lot. Such traumatic experience comes by rarely in one's lifetime. She's lucky she faced them now. Finally he's posted out. Bloody chicken mcnugget! Plus other irritating things that somehow become part of my job scope. Errgh!

This conversation:

Friend: ...To answer you truthfully, you seem a little sad to me. I'm not referring to the fleeting emotion, but your outlook of life...

Me: I know I don't have a positive outlook of life in general most of the time. I myself don't know why I like to wallow in pessimism. It's just that it didn't occur to me I look sad all the time. Until you brught it up. But now that you mentioned it, as I'm typing, I'm trying to be cheerful and smile and look optimistic but I can't quite get the vibe how to. I find the environment around me very sad. Like people are putting on a facade. That's the sense I get. People are sad but they're not showing it. I for one am bad at masking that. It's ironic that I'm an actor. But I guess this is the real me: a sad and pessimistic boy...

And the way Singaporeans dress. OMG, I feel like stripping some of them and bring them to a shop to get new set of clothes lah. Some people really spoil the whole image of good brands' name. E.g. wearing Gap t-shirts with bottoms and footwear that makes the top look like they're gotten from the dump or something. Or Zara pants with some fugly looking top from the night-market. I'm not saying that stuffs at night-market are bad. Some of them are really good. BUT you MUST know how to choose and match! Don't destroy the good name of some things. If you can't, then don't wear Gap/Zara/D&G/River Island/Timberland/Ben Sherman, etc (too many to name. Can't recall all)!

And about the last entry, I said what I wanted in the third line. Don't understand? Go figure. =)

Love ya'll

Saturday, 1 December 2007


"The more the merrier " but "three is a crowd."

"You are never too old to learn " but "you cannot teach an old dog new tricks."

Two pessimistic views. Trying swapping the two phrases for each example. Does it sound better i.e. more positive?

Anyway, I wanna tell you about a few things. First is the bus ride home I experienced a few days back.

Ok, I just got back home from work. At work I was pissed at CO for making my job hard. But I can't blame him. He is afterall the Commander. That's ok. Nevermind. I'll let it pass. Then comes the wait for the bus to Yishun. Ok, this was what propelled my anger. The bus was late. And I was already irritated. The long wait simply worsen the matter. Then at Yishun, this fucking 965 was so fucking slow and so fucking late. Like really. It was 25 fucking minuts since I waited at the bus stop then the bus came. So these I should say...supposed civilise beings simply rushed to the door. Flocking like warthogs to the bus's door. At the door, they took their own fucking sweet time to board and move to the rear. Nonchalantly walking in the bus. I simply exploded! It was way beyond my limit. I started calling all, everyone, the commuters, and especially the fucking driver, cibai and fucking motherfuckers in my mind. Errgh. Fucking mongrels. Made me wait so fucking long for this stupid fucking bus that's so fucking crowded and fucking slow, and still wanna pissed me off some more!? Bloody cibai!

Then comes my conversation with Kent. I can't remember the content of our conversation (simply because I'm so bad at remembering such stuffs). But towards the end of the conversation I realised - and I told him - that I had to be insane to be sane, and to be an insane fucking horny bastard in order to understand how to not become an insane fucking horny bastard. Hahak. I actually wanted to become an insanely horny bastard! Can you believe me? Of all saints...I'm the most saint OK. Don't believe? Go check my facebook for the results of my "How evil are you?" test. Hahak.

And right now, this period, I'm confused as to who my heart goes out to. I like person A but I don't know if person A feels the same. Judging from his body language and the way our conversation goes, it's mutual. But one can never be too safe; "ignorant is [not] bliss" that's for sure. Then there's person B who is more dubious. His messages - as in more than SMS - are quite ambiguous. Though my heart is more settled for person A, person B might make his move - pardon if this sounds like somekind of fantasy action flick cause it is! Hahak - and make the matter worse as it already is. But friendship can, and some did, be exploited and abused. As in, one of the two friends crossed the "friendship line". And what happens in the end is that the two good friends are no longer acquanted anymore. That's how bad it will become. So I'm confused...

And no I'm not a dancer. I like to dance but I'm not a dancer. A dancer needs to have grace, poise, elegance, power, strength, passion. Sad to say (even more depressing for me), I don't have such qualities. I lack in probably most, if not all, of them. So I'm not going to dance for real anymore. It's embarrassing. Though hard, I must let go if this childhood dream: to be a dancer for life. So no I'm no dancer.

Love ya'll

Monday, 26 November 2007

A Comeback

You know how some people "died", as in the fugurative sense, and made a comeback? Well I used to think that it was overrated until now. OMG! I can blog again!

It's been a very long while. so i dun think i'm gonna bother abt my capital letter at the beginning kinda shit. it's past history. this is the new english. accept it.

goodnesss...eversince my freaking comp contracted avian flu or just died on me! it just died on me lah! fucking hell sak. really annoyingly frustrating hellish mongrel son a bitchy bastard gunny bitch bitch! i couldn't blog...

now why the hell am i so into the fact tht i cannot blog? well course this blog is my outlet for most of the crap tht's gg on in my life. it's a channel where frustrations and good news are spread. my news lah of course. blog abt other people for wht sak. it's not like they dun have a blog of their own.

oh my goodness this is like better than sex lah. it's beyond orgasmic. it's subliminal! and i have all these creative ideas tht i cant pen down...hey i am creative ok. in my own kinda way. pretty much like izie from grey's anatomy kinda hardcore. not christina yang kinda get me? if you dun. then it's ur loss. who asked you to not watch grey's anatomy. there are so many life issues u can draw from watching it. all very the pertinent.

first i'd like to bitch abt ma'am balwant. she is this person who likes to nag and nag and nag and nag and make so much noise tht i swear one day my ears will literally bleed. she's such a petty old woman who prolly doesnt know when to shut up or have lost some form of humanity or sth. my goodness i tell u...she can continue talking, no make tht harping, on an issue for hours non-stop! she's forever talking. and damn irritating. really damn irritating. we all bitch abt her. all the nsfs. she's bitchable. omg...and when she put on this australian-slash-american-slash-british-slash-irish-slash-french-slash-german-slash-slash-singaporean-slash-god knows what accent, thinking it makes her sound more eyes can roll 360 and pop out! and with the accent comes the poses. the supposed sexy menaquin poses. she's eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

god i wanna slash her into pieces and tape her mouth a few million times. then throw her in a dungeon and lock the doors and throw away the keys. she's getting on my nerves. no make tht everyone's nerves. everyone in th office tht is.

secondly, i finally manage to catch cars the animated series.'s so fun and best lah. like so the va-va-vroom kind. it's so good. for all ages. from the young schumacher wannabe to the old politician, it covers tht wide an age group. it made me feel like a kid again. and see things from a different light. it's like i've been born again. with stickers onto me to make me look beautiful and gorgeous. hahak. pelez...i'm already an atas diva. adding more stuff will destroy my beauty.

pls pls pls people READ! here are some books you might wanna pick up and r ead: nuns and soldiers and under the net. both by iris murdoch. and also all the margaret atwood books u can find in singapore - which is actually very little. abt 30% only. no kidding. i did the math. pathetic right singapore?

under the net, the book tht i'm reading now, is basically abt languages. omg...u can like immediately feel smarter just by reading the book. and of course when u feel smarter, u will eventually become smarter. we all shud be like the 294 girl. i think she'll top tht chart for centuries to come lah. crazy sia. 294??? it's totally insane. she's insane. she just need to cross tht fine line before she can be safely deemed as insane. right now she's very very very close to line, on the genius side. heh. dont be angry. i not saying anything. just complimenting only. hehehehehehe.

and oh i watched the pillowman. omg, omg, omg. great, awesome, wonderful, impactful, intensive, subliminal, powerful play. i was blown away sak. martin macdonagh shud be a celebrated writer. it's no wonder the pillowman is the olivier winner for best play in 2004. the plot was the finest u can fine anywhere. thank u SRT for staging it. i must say tht personally i like the character michal plyed by michael corbidge - who's the associate director of SRT and the artistic director for the young company. michal is spastic. so tht makes him endearing. i was totally drawn into the character. and here's the best part: when michael corbidge came on stage, i really thot he was spastic. he's embodiment of the character was so great lah. he sure did justice to michal, as in the character, and the play. before he came on...i was thinking in my mind how is michael gonna play michal when u have so little room to play with. damn i was wrong. i was so wrong. kudos michael. i love u. u're my next hero!!!

and i've been dating of course. haiya i think i'm gonnabe asexual lah. i dun seem to be attracted to girls. now even gman dun turn me on. only str8 ones does. u know wht tht means. i'm in deep crap! like seriously man. first, it's impossible tht me and those str8 men gonnabe bfs. 2ndly, there's no secondly! the first rule trumps all. so wht do i do? i become their good friends. yeah sure i wont tell them i like them u crazy bitches. they'll flip and i g'll get shun lah. duh. so no no no no no no telling them. just befren them. and try to get closer. after all, frenship last longer than romantic relationship. the latter will fade when the affestion and attraction subsides. sighs...but dun worry. i'm keping it platonis. platonic. it's a good word. it's an apt word. i like the word. no love it. adore it. no matter how fucking painful it is to live by the truth. but the truth hurts. so feel pain. then move on. fuck. tht's so much, so so so so so much easier said than done. how? how? how to tell this guy tht i like him? he's so str8 lah. str8 as the eiffel tower can be. omg, i cant believe i use sth tht looks like a phallic symbol to descride. tho i must say it's apt to use it. but no no no. lusting can. touching no. dilemma. totally. damn yall. damn.

life's a bitch. yes it's a persona. i'm making it tangible. coz by doing so i'm stripping it of its powers. i can now see it and touch it. so tht means i can inflict pain to it just like how it has done so to0 me. in this world, being vindictive is a survival tool. it's a dog eat dof world. see even the common proverbial phrase uses canine. can't blame me for calling life a bitch. coz it, no she's one. hahahahak. i am in control of it. yeah yeah whteva wit the whole "destiny" and "fate" thing. if u can change ur fate, hell the paradox says for itself. it means ur current "fate" is not ur true fate. it's ur made up fate. u just lied to urself. delude urself. make urself believe tht its real when the truth is tht it's otherwise. dun understand? go figure.

now to blog abt benji. benji is this guy whom i met earlier this year. he's swet and sensitive. but then again, which men aren't for the first few times u guys meet? but not benji. benji is genuinely a nice person. i did love him but it's not reciprocated. damn u monkey! but it's cool. hey i cried, or rather i wallow in sadness when he left for australia to see his family. and when he came back and told me tht he has's like my world can finally spin on its own axis. pathetic right? shut up. so i did try to work sth out wit him. but he being the older, hence more experience said tht it wud never be possible between us. well he did try to get me a few times but i was dating some other people. i guess he finally decides to stop trying cause i keep turning him. and when i finally want him, i got dump. serve me right. i'm a loser anyway. hahak. so i always lose lor. simple bah? so we're now frens. i do confide in him on certain things. and he did say he didnt have a best fren in s'pore. i dun ind filling in tht post. aftre all, wud tht mean i'll forever be in his life, just skirting outside the sex-kissing-touching circle part of his life. cool kan?

and i'm so sorry izzy, astri and syaza for standig up on our night out together. i had other stuff to do. i mean they asked me out first lah. but sth last minute came up and i had to switch priority. well...i'm sure my status as their bestie wud have dropped to prolly acquantance but wht to do? it's my punishment for doing wht i did. and i know tht no matter how hard i try to say sorry, it will still not change the fact tht i stood up our date. i dun have a golden compass u know tht can turn back time.

speaking of which, i wanna watch the golden compass. i think it's gonnabe a good show ah. got nicole kidman favourite actress. damn she's so good! i love her to bits! ok so i had to do the 14-yr-old girl thing kinda description to get my point across. so wht? i got my point across. and tht's the point. =)

and also stardust. i am legend. for plays....oh ya come and support yazid jalil from YCP in I,Bose which will run on the 8th and 9th of Dec at the substation. tickets cost $20. and can be bought at the guiness counter, which is at the substation counter. ok fine so i did publicise abt others...big deal. it's not like i aint human: fickle and imperfect. sish...

as for my play, or rather the play tht i'll be'll be on the 19th of JAN 2008! it's a double bill for the world aids day. come and root for me aigt? it'll be at the tampines east cc at 7.30pm. tickets...i'll keep u updated on tht one. =)

omg...i sure blog on a lot of stuffs right? cant help it if i like to write. and so filled with ideas. it's just me. dun be jealous. cant believe i was typing zealously lah...hahahak. tht's it for now people. till later. ciao!

Love ya'll

Sunday, 18 November 2007

Gosh I never knew...

Alright so Facebook is the new Friendster (ok fine so we still have Friendster for our dear old-school peeps, can't help some people refuse to move on with time....hahak...fine fine sorry. so diva!). And there's these new applications that I recently added. They are so cool. I never knew that I'm...
  1. "The Cowgirl Position"! - You take life as it comes and believe the best path is the path of least resistance. You might be claustrophobic and you definitely value the freedom of your limbs. You love to see and to touch, mostly the front of things. You're good at multitasking. You are probably IMing while taking this quiz.

  2. "The Guru"! - When it comes to the bedroom, you know everything. From how to please your mate to feng shui-ing the dresser, you could teach a seminar. And maybe you do. For you, sex is about the experience, which you're liable to have had over and over and over. Be proud, this is clearly the coolest answer in this quiz. Unless you lied to get to this answer, then be very ashamed.

  3. In need of "The Guru"! - You need someone who knows their way around the bedroom. And the living room floor. And the backseat of a Volkswagon. The point is that you are looking for an experienced lover to take you to the next level. Most importantly, you don't want someone you have to teach. Though with the level of experience in the room, some teacher-student role-playing wouldn't be out of the question.

I'm a Guru? Me, a Guru?

Imagine me talking to you about sex and relationships? Ok fine. You can talk to me about sex - though I've never done it before but I think I can think of something. This mind is built for pleasing others...

Tip one: In doubt, "Ride that 'bull' yall. Yeehaa! Yeehaa!"

Tip two: Can't find love? Are you sure you're attracted to the right "hole"?

Hahak. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. What such vice I'm preaching to the young kids reading this entry. Shame on you kids. Don't your parents teach you anything?

Kinky issues aside (wait let me stop saluting first)...damn I can't. The picture of that salesperson from NewUrbanMale is still in my head.

I guess I'm living a sad life. Well it's not that tragic. I still have friends and families. By sad I mean I chose to live by what's been laid down for me simply because I'm down on luck this period. I should just "shut up and drive."

Ok digress a lil here, does any of you people think that song "Shut Up and Drive" has a strong sexual connotations and innuendos? I know I think so.

I'm not exactly on good terms with Mom. I snapped at her a few times. She got mad, lashed me a scolding, and I ignored or raised my voice at her (evil right? I know. Kids don't learn this from me. I'm the embodiment of vice!). So we seldom talk. Dad chose to keep it cool with me. We hardly talk. My brother is the one whom I talk to the most. Even so we don't share many secrets either. My sister is too young to understand. So I confide in friends. Hence if you realised I wrote "friends" before "families" in the paragraph above. It's a teenage thing I guess.

I need my life back. I can't believe I let money control me when I'm supposed to be the master. Money makes a bad master. Down boy!

Ok...this is weird. I run out of things to write about. Well I guess when I think of something I write it lor.

Love ya'll

Wednesday, 14 November 2007


Pain is one of the greatest feeling one can ever feel I realise. Pain feeds on you, saps you of your energy, obscures your vision, and basically robs you of everything. Pain knifes through heart. Pain leaves you in solitude. Pain is a rock that you wish you wouldn't have to lean on to.

Yet despite your best attempt to be strong, to push it all out you eventually cave in. You give up fighting for your own happiness. You no longer find it worth fighting with your emotions. It's best that you let it all out. I cannot share this with my friends when I'm face-to-face with them. I think it's better I let it out somewhere, tackle this on my own and not trouble others.

And I'm a coward, not to mention a failure. Someone who failed to achieve what he has hoped for. I am not good. I am NOT good at anything I want to be good at. Why? Why can't I even after trying so hard? Why cry when it brings no resolution? Why Ruzaini? WHY?!

I'm sucha coward that I used "you" instead of "I" to tell my tales. My tales. My stories. My pain. My displeasure. My failure. Instead I place a persona before me, using "you" as my shield. I'm not even man enough to go through all this on my own.

I just want to stop time. I want time to stop; even for a moment. No make that as long as I want. Lamenting over this...this...this...something needs time. Let me wallow in this please. Please.

It's a pain I've never felt before. It seems to hurt more than physical pain. It's not just pain over the break-up. It's a pain that stems from my strong inhibition for perfection - that flawless condition/state that you're in.

I am so imperfect. From head to toe I'm made to look beautiful but imperfect. It's probably a formula to make me realise the reality. I have tried to keep it up. I have done what I can. I have been holding up the caving wall. Putting up with my nuisances.

But right now...right now...right now...I'm gonna drive a dagger through me. Let it pierce me slowly. Sinking deeper and with every tick of the clock.

I cannot help but falling for this "person" of whom I recently met but telling "the person" how I truly feel will jeopardise our friendship and I hate for that to happen. It's been good as it is. It's better to keep it that way. I must keep it that way - professional and platonic - no matter how much I want more from it. So I'm gonna dismiss it as mere infatuation, and the occasional lust as superficial. And as what others would say,"move on (with your god damn life!)."

Though hard, I'll try. If I can't I'll remain at status quo. It's still unsafe to carry on.

Love ya'll

Saturday, 10 November 2007

Sophisticated Mamat

I had many diva moments recently. Not that I like to brag but that's the nature of a diva. Anyway, the point is I found out today that men do bitch. Not as bad as women, but still...And of course not wanting to be left out of the conversation, I decided to join in the fun. And that was when I realised I'm a diva. A teenage drama boy. A well delusional kid with attitude. And a crybaby. I shan't elaborate any further for it'll spoil the personal touch I had attached to my experience, and also not make it diva-ish. Hello, golden words are only spoken once. Once missed, your loss.

But then again I wannabe a balanced person (it's bad enough my sexuality is imbalanced by my prerogative) so I tend to slip in and out of mat and sophisticated man lingo during my conversations with people (of the same frequency of course, remember diva!). And in the midst of it all, this came to mind:

1. My passion is music. My interest is dance. My life is acting.
2. With boredom comes great creativity.

I don't know how the fuck such corny slogan came to mind but I like them. And you know what I also like? Arguments. Only productive and quality discussions please. I ain't a dumb blond. I'm a sharp-tongued caramel (when I feel like it la).

Just now in camp Adam said,"There's a reason why patients are called as such. You need patience to deal with them." Ok fine so I accept the pun and wordplay. Cool. Creative. But I will not treat the two as the same. But he insisted that the two can be treated as similar.

First of all, they are two different nouns thus that would strike as the first stark difference. One is a tangible noun and the other is intangible. Though he's argument is valid - there's a possibility that one word caused the meaning of the other to conjure - the fundamental remains: they are not of the same object. They don't even share the same spelling. That's one irrevocable fatal flaw.

But he insisted. I gave him the same argument. I find no reason to provide others if he can't get the main reason I gave. I even wondered if he understood the crux of our conversation. Hahak.

Finally he said,"You should never mess with Mass Com students."

I rest my case. =)

I actually long for a conversation whereby I can dice the issue to its finest possible state, just to get the understanding right. And it's kinda fascinating (when you hold it with someone who knows the subject matter well). But I must admit some challenges are harder to beat than others. These are the kinds that made me sharper. Ironic but true.

So I may be a polyglot; rather I long to be one. But most of the time I'll stick to one language. 'Cause it finally come to my understanding that not everyone can understand me. I need to fine tune the frequency a lil most of the time. But sometimes it's good not changing: too lazy.


Love ya'll

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Sunday, 4 November 2007


I had time to think just now - under the shower (I know, it's unglam so move on). And so I think.

I thought about how it had been for me thus far. I thought about the things I did, do and maybe doing. I thought about the way I carried myself. I thought about the love life. I thought about work. I thought about my past, present and probable future. I thought about the people whom I have met. I thought about the clothes I wore, wear and maybe wearing. I thought about me.

I had a helluva time thinking, and reflecting.

What made me think has got to do with what happened today. It somehow inspired me to think.

I went out with a cute Swiss guy just now for lunch, ice-cream and shoe shopping, whom I met no more than 3 days ago. He is a good friend. And maybe a good boyfriend. But he's here on an exchange programme. He told me about his travelling experience. The under-developed and developing countries that he went to. He's quite a traveller. So though I had hoped for something more, I knew I had to be realistic i.e I could only get his friendship. But I'm cool. 'Cause I also found out that I needed to speak from a lot of things that have been toying at the back of my mind.

One of which is my constant yearning for that special someone. I have gone on an almost crazy hunt for that special someone. I made myself vulnerable so that made me more susceptible to be hurt. By myself of course. I made myself vulnerable 'cause I figured that by letting my guard down I can meet that special someone with less difficulty. I became someone whom I didn't know I ever could be: a Pathetic.

I became a Pathetic. I don't know why I'm rushing to get a loved one when I'm only 19. And most guys don't want a boyfriend that young. 'Cause they're too immature. I could see myself crumbling and yet do nothing about it. I fell together. I simply cannot understand the rush and urge that I made. In the end, I became a mess. A beautiful piece of Mess.

Florian's reply to my message - "You're not seeking love right? You just want friendship right?" - stop, or maybe pause, time so that I can have the space to think. I never knew I needed that. I'm still getting over Fadzeel, and I know I shouldn't be in another relationship, but I kept flirting and enjoying the attention.

(pardon the brutal honesty. You can stop reading if you want to.)

It's getting out of my system and I think I should let it all seep out at its own comfortable pace. There is no way I can rush it. It'll only worsen. And that would leave me more devastated. I am devastated. He was my first and letting go aint easy. It first felt like you've been ripped apart and now it's healing. The wound is healing. Meanwhile, I shouldn't be doing anything that would be counter-productive.

I cannot escape work. We all need to work. Work is what keep us going. Work was what made think less of Fadzeel. Work was what made me want to flirt to get rid of the stress. Work was what I called a Life-Resuscitator. Work kept me going. Work is everything. But I loathe Work.

I caught another run of The Devil Wears Prada on Star Movies just now, just what I needed. It was a perfect movie to be screened. I couldn't ask for anything else for that second. I simply couldn't. Yet I was given. God works in ways I can never get.


How do you put two opposite poles together without making them repel? How can I read a book without looking at the words? How can you see that ever present fine line? How can I love God when I feel like loathing him sometimes? How can I justify my faith when I am lost? How am I going to tell my parents the truth, and live with the consequences? How can I be a son, husband, father and lover? How am I going to face God when I die? How am I going to be when I'm old? How can I be a butterfly?

That pretty little insect that flutters from flower to flower, sucking up the sweet nectar while helping plants to reproduce, and be adored by many for its beautiful colourful wings and feel emancipated.

Love ya'll

Saturday, 3 November 2007

Teen Titans

I'm on my way for a performance later at 1pm. It's a Hari Raya skit, organised by the Tampines Central CC. I'm playing an old man - a dogmatic father - again.

Just a sidetrack, I'd like to appeal to my peers and friends please cast me for a role closer to my age range. It's daunting being old. Thanks. =)

So meanwhile, I decide to facebook, blog and watch Teen Titans.

(for the record Teen Titans is my favourite cartoon show to date. I just couldn't watch it 'cause of work. It's good that now I have the time to get a sneak at it. And I think I'm gonnabe a lil late later, all in the name of yayness!)

There's something about Teen Titans that I find it worth watching. To me, it's not like any ordinary cartoon shows that's filled with stupid jokes and slapstick humour. Though Powerpuff girls can be considered in the same league, to a considerable extent, I still prefer Teen Titans.

Putting their superpowers aside, Robin, Starfire, Raven, Cyborg and Beastboy are simply youths who have this crazy idea that they can save the world.

If they hadn't had superpowers they would probably have formed an international youth group with the help of UNICEF and Angelina Jolie to organise activities that can benefit the youths from around the world - getting away from drugs, teenage pregnancies, looting, HIV.

It's an international government for youths by youths.

If you're asking why am I suddenly into this - and so passionately add that - is because I'm part of a youth theatre group called YellowChair Productions (YCP for short) who are out to connect youths from all walks of life to get together and bring about something productive for all. Headed by Shaiful - our Artistic Director - we devise plays that are pertinent to our society. It's the least we can do. It's fun anyway.

And on a more personal level, I'm just participating in the activities that are relevant to me, including supporting local talent. I got into the vibe when I went to the Singapore Art Cafe with Shaiful for an open jamming session yesterday.

And that's where I met Li Ann and Gena. Gena is a friend of Charlie who decided to drop by after Shaiful invited him since he's in the area afterall. It's totally cool how total strangers can simply click as if we've met for quite some time. I guess it's called "being in the same frequency." And Li Ann was the one who told me about the local music scene. From what I see and hear, they are promising.

And now I'm more interested in the local scene. They are very good. And I strongly encourage all of you to attend these gigs. You can get to more about it through my facebook, under the "group" section.

How to get there?
  1. Go to
  2. Type Muhammad Ruzaini
  3. Go and search what I told you too: Singapore Art Cafe (for a start)

So it's youth and local scene for me now. I wanna learn more. It's just fascinating. =)

Love ya'll

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

For movie goers

If you're planning to watch a movie, have Rendition in mind.

Personally, I like it. It's good to see Reese Witherspoon in a different kind of roles together with Meryl Streep all-most-perfect character embodiment. And that Jake is kissing woman (damn!).

Rendition gives us a sneak inside what happens behind close doors in the politicians' office. And the reason behind them making such decision.

It taps on Jihad a lil, just to make a point that it's due to misinterpretation of the syariah laws suicide bombings happened. And thus the spread of wrong teachings.

It's good.

Now for some thing totally not in context...

I've not been updating because:
  1. Too busy going out
  2. No mood to go online
  3. Nursing a heart

So there. And I'm tired. So nights peeps.

Keep it real and stay out of trouble.


Love ya'll

Sunday, 28 October 2007

It hurts

Good things come to an end.

From a lion's share to a slice.

Now, no more.

Guess I have to deal with such contentment in dismay.

Love ya'll

Saturday, 27 October 2007


I died.

In the introduction of "Nuns and Soldiers" (Vintage Classics version) by Iris Murdoch, Karen Armstrong wrote:

"Not everyone is capable of this type of self-abandonment, however. Yet we all need to be saved from our fear of death and our suspicion that life is essentially without meaning. We all seek ecstacy and an experience that takes us beyond ourselves. If we do not find this in conventional religion, we turn to art, music of all sorts, dance, sex, sport or even to drugs. This search from some form of transcedence is basic to our condition."

I decided to read the intro before the main novel itself. Don't ask me why. And I'm glad I did.

Song / Lagu : Menanti Pasti by Siti Nurhaliza
Lyrics / Lirik :

Kegelapan malam ini menyesakkan jiwa
Tanpa bintang untuk aku mimpikan mimpimu
Aku…merindu indah bulan
Menyuluh kelam malam
Mengharap bintang akan bersinar

Kesepian hati ini mengundang derita
Penantian satu seksa bila tanpa balas
Aku…menanti kata hati
Darimu satu pasti
Mengharap mimpi akan hakiki

Bisikanlah asmaraku
Padanya gelora di kalbu
Hembusan nafas ini hanyalah kepadanya
Mencintai setulus hati

Bukakanlah asmaranya
Padaku setia menunggu
Antara kau dan aku adanya persamaan
Untuk cinta bersemi nanti

Andai ada di hatimu
Ruang cinta itu
Kan ku simpan anugerah
Ke akhir hayatku

Menanti pasti

Lyric source:

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

That Kid


I've always been the kid who aspires to be someone great. Someone whom a lot of people adore. Someone who can do many things and still be good at them.

I've always wanted to be that kid that made it to RJ, with 4A's and 3 distinctions and A1 for GP and MT. Who can speak fluent French and German and Jap. Who has a well toned bod - the kind that will make others oogle. A sportsman - maybe canoist and tennis player - and a musician; can play the piano and most string instruments. The EDB scholar who made it to Cambridge Law then Harvard for PhD, skipping masters 'cause of my excellent LLB results. The perfect man.

Juxtapose it with reality - the neighbourhood kid who did good (not well) enough to go uni and do a decent course, the moderate achiever and commoner, the normal kid at school, the kid who isn't good at many things and sucks at the things he's good at, an acne-prone face, not a sportsman or a musician or an artist, an average build bod, not smart - you get this failed piece of crap blogging about his fantasy.

Why is it that when others dream hard enough they get what they want but me, He gave me something which I don't know wht to do with, taking into consideartion that we both put in a lot of effort? He works in ways I cannot understand. Thus left perplexed and lost.

I try to be me but can others accept me? One word labelled onto you and that's it: doomed! It's probably shocking to Harry Potter fans that Dumbledore is gay. How can a good-hearted, kind, loving and generous man be gay? It's not possible. It cannot work that way. It just can't. No way!

Yet it's true.

Living in denial will probably perpetuate the animosity and prejudism, from others to me and myself to me. But how can one live in peace when the mind is restless? It's utterly impossible for a perfectly human being to do that, lest you're a robot. I've only accepted the fact that I'm flamboyant and bitchy (at times) and I show it during Raya when out with cousins and relatives. I was usually very quiet, almost mute. But this time I didn't wanna hold back. Let others be enthralled or disgusted by my feminity. I don't care anymore. I'm done being self-conscious.

And of course people talk. Aunts complain to each other, in private, and cousins talk among themselves about my very feminine behaviour. Hey if given a choice I'd like to tweak myself to be more manly my dears. But since I can't maybe becoming a eunuch would help. So flaunt what you have while you still can. People are dying even at 23 years old. If my fate is like them I only have 4 years to live. Might as well let it all out. I will regret that I did some things, some undesirable things but I know I'll be proud of myself one day that I did them.

I don't care that I made mistakes at work cause NS to me is just a phase I must go through, whether I want (or like) it or not. I'm oblige to. So why pin myself down when I made mistakes? Sure I'm entrusted with responsiblities but I know I won't go the extra mile 'cause I know I won't benefit from it. Maybe my "conduct" can help but if I'm good enough for a "good" rating then so be it. I know I'm gonna get a "good" anyway. So why try harder? I'm not the "outstanding" or "very good" type. I know. So I live by what been laid down for me. Fair? I think so too.

I wannabe a 3SG when I ORD or be sent overseas sometime in my service, or go MDC. But since I'm not cut out for it, live with what you have. Life give you lemons, make lemonades. Not orange (or lemon) peel. =)

So here's the low-down. I'm the kid who failed to be what he wants so he's learning how to settle with what he has and given, while masking the most important feature of his: his identity. As long as Penal Code 377A won't be repealed it's not safe for me to come out. "It's still a conservative society with strict Asian values being embeded; that forms the strong pillar of a family-centric community thus impossible to abolish it for fear of a collapse of an institution", says someone (whom I cannot recall). So for those who know, thank you for your acceptance and friendship and keeping it low as well. For those who don't, I don't enforce it upon you to accept. Grow with time. Be like the government - following the society instead of upholding a doctrine, and being dogmatic.


Love y'all

Saturday, 20 October 2007

The 4 letter Word that begins with "L"

Ladies and gentlemen, how would you feel when the person you adore say this:

"Don't say that. Of course you're part of my life. It jus frustrates me that I can't be with you at times..."

I guess I'm moving into the world that begins with the letter "L". I can't say it. It'll get me blushing. So malu! Hahak.

But I think it is. Foe one, the person is on your mind and you long for the person when the person isn't near. When you go out, you just wanna spend more time with the person; and not part. I do feel like a bitch, a tiny bit, 'cause my friends are having break-ups but I'm...

And upon mentioning of the person's name, it'll set your heart racing and pimples forming. Hormones gushing savagely.

Good thing I got a good facial wash. It keeps my break-outs at bay. It's been a good three days using it. The product shows effect. Hopefully it'll last. I don't wannabe on the hunting spree again. Too much money spent, too much energy wasted.

And songs like "My All", "My Baby You", "I Have Nothing", "The Way I Are" and "I Can't Live Without You" keep topping off your "favourite song" chart.

Ooh the feeling is overwhelming. And good. =)

Love y'all (especially you)

Friday, 19 October 2007

Perhaps it's...

Perhaps it's...obsession with beauty that I began to be almost...dehumanised. A decision to have those desired contours and streamline figure, or V-shaped torso, fuelled an ambition that on the one hand, seems unachievable. As encouraged by the media, a powerful word in this era has begun reshaping our minds. An era where being too indulgent in looking good and earnestly trying to hide any flaws found is perfectly acceptable but doing otherwise would be frown upon. It's hard to unlearn what has been learnt. It's better to re-learn for it'll overwrite what's previously stored in our mind. The process would be easier and more feasible. Thus the preferable option.

I see others succeed in living the 21st century dream. But I keep on failing, which makes me believe that I'm "not part of the human race." These thoughts have made me blind to those who are like me - the true people. The people who have tried and failed and felt broken. It was only after I met these people did I realise how human it is to be ugly. And that embracing yourself - no matter how unappealing you are and how difficult it is to do so - is the worst and best thing you have to do, sadly. Afterall, beauty is actually spelt as c o n f i d e n c e. So I'm relearning the meaning of beauty. I can no longer look at the word as its literal spelling. I have to look at its connotations. And that takes some maturity. Which I'm fervently trying.

Perhaps it's...boredom - and discontentment - with status quo that forced me to look beyond myself. To stretch that elastic self like a new condom for better comfort. Afterall, the skin is an elastic organ. To be comfortable in it is to leave some room for expansion. Thus the need to stretch it so that I can be comfortable under my own skin.

I once cursed myself for being the unfortunate one to inherit the zits and the not-handsome-at-all genes. But then again, I'm an unhappy bastard of many things. Like Jack who tried to be the master of all traits but ended up being the master of none, I tried everything I could get my hands dirty with and ended up failing and feeling fatalistic about my capabilities. I felt stupid for failing. But my real stupidity is feeling stupid for myself. This I only realised now.

I'm weaving in and out of depression. And like a sword dance of attack and retreat, I keep falling back and moving on. It's akin to luring someone I think. You cannot hail all that you've got on one night. You need to keep some for later nights (and days). Otherwise, you'll lose your target (or your prey).

Perhaps it's...being delusional. Getting my feet wet on acting has been one of the best thing I've ever done. Yet despite compliments and encouragement from friends, I still doubt my ability. Is this what I'm really good at or am I deluding it all? Of which would be perilous for my well-being. Could it be because of an actor's ego, who wishes to hear compliments and protect his pride? Or a voice inside being silenced. Or even conjured. My mental health depends on it. I yearn for acceptance which I already receive but not satisfied. Why would I be questioning then?


Perhaps I have wronged myself. Perhaps I'm not good but think that I am. Perhaps it's a secret desire actually being materialised without me knowing it. Perhaps it's a hunger for obtaining perfection. Perhaps it's a thirst for fornication and committing adultery. Perhaps it's a joy wallowing in sorrow. Perhaps it's fun digressing from the rest. Perhaps it's oppressing an anger. Perhaps it's admirable making my own rules. Or simply perhaps it's just me going through a gestation period of adulthood. I don't know. Perhaps you do.

Love y'all

Monday, 8 October 2007


Today work took its toll. Kena arrow...fuck man. Before I start the job, I saw the clock it read 11.30am. After I finished the job, I saw the clock it read 4.30pm. 4.30pm!!!

My dear people I was stuck in front of the fucking screen till my eyes almost popped out (literally) for 5hours! (Another 5 hours, plus 252 more men, I would have beaten Anabel's record.)

(Which comes to think of it...eee better not. I have kids reading this entry. Choy choy choy!)

Moving on, after the job I had my work to do - update MCs, write up testimonial, being slammed by the Chief who asked me to take a detour to someone's place just to get his MC. He can't send himself cause he's bed-ridden (good riddence!) and his mom is holding on to his original MCs, whatever for...

Yesterday went out with Yahn, Astri, Izzy and Shuk.

New Pictures uploaded under "me-showing" link...

Had a blast yesterday...well prolly due to my sudden introvertive mood I didn't enjoy myself that much. Another reason was because it's back to work the next day...haiz...Shitty right? And also I was becoming a

Another day tomorrow. Just another day. Another tiring day, I'd say.

And it's Raya on Saturday!!!

But I can't sense the festive mood. Oh oh...we're in trouble...something's not right here people...

Anw, where was I...? Oh ya hor, need to sleep. Nights!

Love ya'll

Friday, 5 October 2007

Ruzzie says (2)...

Maklumlah eh these past days I've not been taking my vitamins so been sick. All I need to do is to get near someone who's sick and voila! mua fall sick.

So since I'm bored, I've been thinking. I mean I ought to do something productive other than lusting over hot D. Hahak. Yeah yeah I know I'm fasting. But you cannot stop a man from lusting. You can control how far you wanna lust over someone but not the the instigation part. For that part to not work you have to not be a human. =)

Which is true?
a) Love the woman/man you marry (think modern context of more receptive society)?
b) Marry the woman/man you love?

ans: (a)
reason: If you think about it, you are gonnabe spending your lifetime with someone. Might as well do the good part by falling in love with the person, aight? Perhaps this is why arranged marriages work. =)

You know you board buses and there are those green seats, right? And those seats are meant for the elderly or those who need 'em more than you, right? What if you are on a rather empty bus and an old man board the bus and you are sitting on one of those green seats. What should you do?

a) Get up and find another seat.
b) Let the old man find another seat.

ans: unknown
reason: Ok first thing first, those seats are meant for them. So it sorta mean that those seats are "reserved" for them. That means when an old man comes on board, he's entitled to those seats. You have to give 'em up to those who have reserved them. Logical?

Yet on the other hand, there are so many seats available and hence the above argument would be void. The alarm should ring off only when the bus is full. But us being Singaporean we usually close one eye (or both eyes) and pretend to not see and fall asleep so effectively those seats still have your butt prints on them till your stop comes.

Confusion, confusion, confusion...

Ok this one is rather sensitive so I'm gonnabe careful about it. Your "race" depends on your skin colour or something skin deep?

a) Skin colour.
b) Something skin deep.

ans: unknown
reason: I'm reading this book Cane River by Lalita Tademy. It's about the life of "coloured people" in different communities. In the introduction, Tademy mentioned something like her grandmother is fair, fair enough to pass as being white, yet she's being treated not like a white. This story is set in the 1950's.

And her cousin was her late grandmama's favourite cause she didn't look like the rest. She's white skin, like Ellimone, Tademy's great grandmother.

And it made me ponder cause apparently this kinda thing is still prevalent in our society, in any society for that matter. I cannot get the politics of colour. I mean it's simply colour. And yes colour is important. It helps us identify same things together. For e.g. you have your English file Blue in colour and your Math file Red in colour. It's not being prejudice. It's simply for easy filing and studying. Right?

So when you have colours on objects that are not inanimate, suddenly the rules changed and things start to get serious. This is not a joking matter, or something that should be taken lightly. I know. We are human beings. And humans have feelings. Humans are sensitive.

But if you compare humans and those coloured files, you won't see much difference. Like those files, the papers inside are same in colour i.e white (ignore colour papers, they were once white). Under our skin colour, we have a heart, lungs, liver, brains, intestines, rectum, arteries, blood, plasma, bacteria. So why we do not treat each other fairly?

We will definitely have conflicts. But those conflicts stem from our different views on the same thing. It's based on our morals and ethics. Individual very own mindset, not skin-set. Again, mindset and not anything more. If you decide to look at the outside appearance and equate that to mindset of a person then I think you should watch The Queen. Let the queen bitch some senses into you. =) Unless you wannabe cadaverous then proceed. =)

Moving On
When you've made a mistake, you're advised to move on. These are the steps you should take.
a) Identify the problem. (check)
b) Get help. (check)
c) Try to move on. (uncheck; how?)

This one I often need help, the last step. Thank God I manage to wriggle out of depression again last Monday by being distracted. Distraction is a good sport. It keeps you away from lamenting too much into your problems, and over thinking it. But that don't mean you've solved the problem. They're simply put at bay.

Sometimes I like to think of myself. What I'm capable of doing and reaching. Where's my limit. And why am I feeding on my regrets. It's true that I can be "master of all traits" but that would also mean I'll be "master of none." So which is better?

a) Master of some.
b) Jack of all traits.

ans: ...
reason: ...

Love y'all

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Ruzzie says...

I realised the stories Time magazine covers are mostly political in nature. The Iraq War issues (countless in total) often contain inside stories of the events that took, or taking, place plus how the politicians came to the decision that we see is being implemented. And the current one about the chaos in Burma. The journalist was vivid in her description of the events that took place, and the way she sees politics being played. Accentuating the ugly yet safe enough to neutralise her views. These are just the cover stories.

The other stories too are not spared from such political debate. The usual subjects of commentaries are US and Middle Eastern politicians. Of course not all of the stories, and issues, are laden with politics. Only a significant number is. The rest are quite neutral. Yet I cannot help but be enthralled at such wordplay, one that works when said by the right people rightfully.

On a slightly different tangent, reading Time has made me ponder of how we, small little minions in a large institution called society, act and react to our surroundings. The journalists from Time wrote in as much detail as they could so that readers will get a better picture of the status quo. They are helping us understand some things. And make legitimate conclusion so as not to appear as foolish when passing remarks.

And I think what we can take away from them, if not the stories they share, is how we should understand each other.

I mean come on lah, we sure to have misunderstanding with people right. "They" say...

(up till now I still don't know exactly who are the "they" they're refferring to, my "they" is the "they" who calls others as "they" when they themselves are actually under the name: "They". So which "they" are they referring to? My "they" or their "they" 'cause to me their "they" is the same "they" they are i.e themselves)...

conflicts among people is common. But can we like try not to get into conflict? I mean if we can think ans predict certain things, why not we start thinking and making predictions of our actions or what we have to say?

What I cannot stand is when people have ill-thoughts of others. A little bit only, start to think of the negative side and not the clear-cut obvious intention: the good intention.

For eg ah: in an office, the boss came in and told one of the workers that the office lights are be on during lunchtime. Now, it so happen that this worker who kene told by the boss is the one who often off the lights during lunchtime. So I was there lah with this worker. next thing I know the worker said this,"You se who she told? I know one. She's always like this. She knows I'm the one who off the lights ah so she purposely some and tell me."

I was like....err....ok? Like the hell is the matter Ma'am? She saw you so she tell you ah, why you wanna think so far far like that one. Of course I was saying it in my heart lah. The worker ticked me off with her nagativity. Errgh...

Sometimes also we tend to judge others too quickly. First impresson bad and voila, it's confirm plus chop that the person is bad. A lot of street-kids, ex-convicts, gangsters are the common target for such labelling. I don't see why we ought to do that. I don't make good impressions I know. And I know I get judged too quickly. some they're ok with it; no comments. To some they give me that raise eyebrow look.

And I don't about you guys ar but I think the cosmic changes in the world today are affecting the inhabitants. I'm fallin sick and feeling sick even when I'm not falling sick and after getting enough rest. And so many of my friends are too...seram sak...

Love y'all

Monday, 1 October 2007

Sick, taking a break (ok or not?)

Last Saturday went out with YCP peeps for buka puasa at Waroeng (pronounced as "warong", ignore the "e") Penyet, the Bedok outlet. Damn spicy chilly. Damn good chicken. Damn little rice. Damn good Es Chendol. Mmm...mmm..mmm...mmm!

Two most controversial words: sexuality and religion.

Skirting the issue and discussing it productively is good. Otherwise, keep it inside your pocket. Too sensitive lah people. If you want, write a play about it. Send it to NAC, wait for an apporval then stage it.

I'm stressed. Thus sick. My immune system is low. Today decide to visit the doctor, again. Third time this month. I used to have a clean record you know.

And I've been having sleepless nights for the past few days, close to two weeks. Can you imagine going to work when you're shagged?! I'm sure all you working young adults would understand. Yeah, I'm feeling that.

You think that by taking the day off to visit the doctor to help me with my insomnia problem is a legitimate reason, or just another reason for me to "keng" (malinger)? I decide to do it now 'cause things are going uphill from now on.

Hari Raya coming, preparations gonna take its toll.

More productions coming up. Thank God I'm involve in a project: The West Side kampung Story. Would be up in Nov. More details later. I wanna help YCP in the prodution side. Wanna get my hands dirty on something new.

And Duty clerk (the ever emotionally draining duty).

More auditions coming up. It's the season. I found the pattern. So I want to give it my all and not deprive myself of any chances. I need that big break.

So if I don't get rid of this insomnia problem I'm gonna be sick and not be able to do the above. Damn suky. I'll feel worse then I already am.

Thank goodness D is also busy. We're both occupied but still talking. D's cool. =)

Love y'all.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Rah! Rah! Rah!

Today felt a rush of adrenaline. So a bit on the hyper side hor. Nevermind. Can cool down one. Just not yet lah.

OK kids yeah I know you like fire-crackers but...uh...please...can play far far? I'm smelling the smoke from their bunga api. Smelly ah but it adds to the taste of Raya. OK fine so it's their Raya but hey...ours is coming soon! Can't wait! Camwhore time, babe! Hahak.

Astri has changed from "hakhak" to "LOL" in her messages all thanks to me for "borrowing her word" and making it "hahak". So cute a reason, don't ya think? She's adorable.

OK lah Syaza pun adorable lah. Nanti tak praise marah agi. Gi balik kat...sape name bf dier eh...lah, nevermind lor. It don't matter. Asalkin dier happy. Kan Syaza. And oh I almost forget, congrats to being a sister...again!

Hrmmph...watched The Campaign to Confer The Public Service Star on JBJ last Sunday with Fuad. Awesome shit. Eleanor Wong is so brilliant lah. Her use of euphemisms and handling of sensitive issues that could potentially make the play a very controversial one ('cause of the mention of a Lee and JBJ - whoever their are...wonders...) is damn good.

She's poignant in her point yet feisty enough to not spur an uproar in the industry. But then again, with someone like her calibre writing such plays they'll be celebrating rather than being a bolshie banshee (hehehehehehehehehehehehehe).

Afterall, we need a pool of talent like her. We got Ivan, Hossan, Selena, Pam, Emma, Christina, Kheng Hua, Yu Bing, Haresh, Alvin, Natalie, Zizi, Alfian, Siti K, Asbit, Norlina, Beatrice (just some of the many names I could recall in a short time) in the gang. We need more. If Singapore wannabe an Arts Hub...and personally I really wish - the east side (err...west side, east side...ring a bell? If no, nevermind. Losers. Hahak, sorry) - they definitely need to cast their net bigger... this side here! Hellooo! Yeah, here. Here! Sini Sikit. Sini Sikit. Heh! =) Yeah babe.

Adore D. (glees)

Picked up a few books at the library. Good thing: yay, I'm reading, again. Bad thing: when am I gonna read them? (Still...yay, I'm reading again.) Ahahahak.

Can't you see? I'm high on sugar rush.

To all those people whom I met at Geylang and/or Bugis...hola again. To those people who said they saw me but I didn't see them, sorry. I truly am. I mean I can't attend to everyone you know. Can't help that I'm popular.


Tak leh tahan sua, (decide to be nice and choose a word more suited to the situation in lieu of a harsh word) care. Sorry. Just had to be a "self-absorb bastard" (now where did I hear this phrase from? can the person who was phrased with this please stand up, please stand up) who needs to listen to himself once in awhile. Too bad the time is now. Ahahahahahak.

D is sick today. Had a flu. See lah asked D to take care of D-self, D don't want. Now see what happens. Haiks! Sobs. Sobs.

And I did go back to Geylang to get what I wanted. Fuyoh. Besh sak! Hehehehehe. Spent a lil more than I should, or could, but felt that a lil sinful pleasure won't harm. Just a burnt pocket that can be sewn using NS and boredom. A small price to pay for something that brings such wonderful joy! Aigt?!

OK I need to slow down and catch my breath. And I'm gonna listen to Dayang Nurfaizah's latest single: Hilang and Kasih Maafkan (not sure if this is new though), while doing just that. She's trully a soulful and R&B singer. Go youtube it and you know what I mean. I like her now. She's a better singer (vocal wise) and performer. Inspiring!

Love ya'll

Sunday, 23 September 2007

Chance should I say this? Aigt, here goes...

Yesterday met up with Izzy to go shopping. Hadn't had retail therapy for quite sometime. So I'm back to my normal sessions. Bought about 5 items (2 pairs of jeans, one top, and 2 bottles of sample perfume) at less than $60. So felt good about it.

Here's the other thrill: I met these people when I was at Bugis and Geylang. Most of them I haven't seen for a long time.
  1. Zul (YCP) - at sultan mosque eating place.
  2. Su (YCP) - at Geylang
  3. Win (YCP) - at Geylang
  4. Sufyan (Griffiths Primary) - at Geylang (last saw in 2005)
  5. Suqina (Meridain JC) - at Geylang (last saw...last Lit paper for A's!)
  6. Suhailah (Greenview Sec Sch) - at Geylang (last saw in 2004)
  7. Andi (Meridian JC) - at Geylang (last saw...last Lit paper for A's!)

Like hello, all within less than twenty minutes OK! (except for Zul ah) That was truly a work of chance. Hahak.

On another note, I sometimes wonder if those people whom we met are by chance or intentional. It's as if, you're bound to meet them. And because it's not made known to us, we get surprise thus calls it "by chance". Is there really such thing as "by chance"?

Funny how things work in the a place we don't know the rules very well.

Anyhow, I'm happy that I met D. =)

And that any major hiccups haven't taken place. thank God for that.

love ya'll

Friday, 21 September 2007


Felt like flipping the dictionary just now. So I came across these words which I've never heard before. I know, sad me.
  1. pliable: easily bent/easily persuaded.
  2. plenteous: plentiful
  3. plebeian: (of ancient Rome) the lower class people
  4. abscond: leave quickly and secretly to escape from custody or avoid arrest
  5. bolshie (or bolshy): hostile and uncooperative
  6. cadaverous: like a corpse in being very pale and thin
  7. cad: a man who behaves dishonourably
  8. concomitant: naturally accompanying or associated
  9. concord: agreement; harmony
  10. plethora: an excessive amount
  11. pleonasm: use of more words than necessary to describe a meaning
  12. sozzled: very drunk

And yes, in the words of Sulina,"time to rest...."

Wednesday had duty. Gut feling told me to sign up for it. So I swapped with a friend. Turns out, not a good idea. Things wasn't as smooth. Damn sway so to say.

Thursday then can book out. Went Geylang to break-fast with Izzy and Astri. I was late 'cause I dropped by Giordano to get a top and belt. Thus explain my late coming. Hahak. Sorry. I'm sucha diva. Window shopping there. Cool stuffs. Wanna go down again soon to buy 'em. Have too. Felt obligated to. Hahak.

So today, took urgent leave and off. Means I didn't go to work today lah. Hahak. Awesome.

Sorta ticked D off today. Felt bad. I'll do what you say, when I feel like it. You can't compel me. So he had the long face. Damn cute. Hahak. Haiz...

And decide to write an entry cause of this: Penal Code 377(A) is retained. According to The Straits Times, the reason is mainly because of conservative asian "values" and not depriving anyone from certain primary "rights". Yeah, sure. If the law that once criminalised fellatio and sodomy has been lifted, and the more positive outlook in the way society is becoming more receptive, I have to be positive. =)

Love y'all

Sunday, 16 September 2007


I'm longing for someone. I haven't had the chance to meet the person. We have only chat on msn. It's cool that the person wishes to work something out between us, despite the distance.

I am listening to sappy songs. Damn I love sappy Englishs songs. They have this therapeutic effect on you. It soothes the emotional weak heart, like mine. Hahak. I'm sure all those of you who are in a haven of love, or joining it, understands me.

I am a player. A player in the game of life. Taking its toll without any strategies at hand will lead you to undesirable outcomes. At least when you anticipate, you are better prepared for what is to come.

The two favourite sngs of mine, currently, is Marc Anthony's My babay You and Mariah Carey's My All. Never have I had so much emotions being poured and swimming around.

Last night musical performance at Grand Copthorne was OK. It wasn't as thrilling given the situation that happened. I shan't say much so as not to tarnish anyone's name. But those who were involved would know what I'm talking about. This is just an outlet for me. To get it out of my system. Still it was my first musical performance. And singing is one of my fears. Glad I had the chance to overcome it, even by an inch. The bottom-line is: I sang in front of a crowd! It was an atypical performance for me. Changes are good, even if they are embarrassing. Hahak.

I'm dead beat and jaded. It aint me. So aint me. But for what it's worth, the exhaustion is necessary.

A few days ago, I went to NUS website to read about the English language major programme. Simply by reading the faculties' goal I became intimidated. It sounds very challenging and tough. Never have I expect language to have been that difficult. The technical bits of language can make you bald. It's arduous. Still it spurs me to work hard for it. I will have a very very very steep learning curve but hey, you'll find me at the foot on the other side. =)

Love ya'll

Friday, 14 September 2007

For you D (don't know if you're gonna read this tho...hahak)

If Thats Ok With You by Shayne Ward.

If that's OK with you
I love the way you look without your make up
I had a girl before we met but we broke up
There's something 'bout you that makes me want to step up
Step up and be with you
If That's Ok With You

We'll keep the neighbors awake too late too late
Cos imma make you feel so good thats how I see it happening
Yeah we'll keep the neighbours awake too late too late
Cos baby I wanna step up and be with you
If that's ok with you

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna saint your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you

I wanna keep your toothbrush at my appartment
Make a second set of keys and ask you to move in
I'm not crazy
I know what I'm getting myself in
I wanna live with you
If that's ok with you

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna saint your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna saint your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you
Yeah yeah

We'll keep the neighbours awake too late too late
I wanna love you this way that way this way
We'll keep the neighbours awake too late too late (ooh ooh)
I wanna love you this way that way this way (oh baby)

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you
Im gonna love you

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's ok with youif thats ok with you
If that's ok with youif thats ok with you
If that's ok with youif thats ok with you
If that's ok with you

Wednesday, 12 September 2007


I'm bummed.

Shaiful, I should have never gone for the audition had I known the outcome.

Ruzaini I think you should just stop what you're doing and go back to what you're good at: being a lame duck at the butt of everyone joke. You should just stop trying to make it in showbiz, or the theatre for that matter. You don't have the commercial look. You cannot be market.

Maybe backstage or behind the screen you might say. Yes maybe. It's not what I wanna do but well it's a sbustitute. Guess I can settle for the next best.

Might as well continue with what you're good at: study Chembiocem at NTU and do some research and find someone decent and get married.

I feel fucking painful telling myself this but it's the truth. I was so stupid to even believe I can make it either at NIDA or RADA and soon Hollywood. You cannot even pass Suria lah with yourself.

Do political science at NUS, major in public policy and maybe become PR, if you don't like the first choice. Cause it's obvious you're not getting what you've been yearning for. It's really, trully stupid and idiotic to even dream. Like seriously wake up and smell reality!

Seriously, what the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?

Y0u're meant to do great things. Yes, within the cubicle of your predestined desk-bound office job at the lowest level of the company! Movies are bullocks. Inspirational stories are meant to delude, smearing the hard stoned cold fact. Believing is shit. Hoping is stupid. God is fair.

Right, God?! I'm asking you nicely what is it that you want me to do to please you and those around me?

I need answers to keep myself sane and grounded and faithful.

Hell yeah I'm stupid. You made me that way. But I dreamt like I was a Cambridge/Oxford material. Ok maybe too high. I dreamt I was a chem engine material student. Clearly I'm not. I'm a dumbass. Too idiotic that I only realised it a few years later. Bodoh kan? Dah sah da.

Yelah, orang cakap kita dengar. Orang nasihat kita dengar. Orang perli kita terima. Sebab da tolol. Apa nak buat? Buat bodoh je ah. Oh sorry. I memang bodoh. Haha.

I cannot help but feel like a failure 24/7 three sixty-five. My up points lasted for only...a few seconds. My low points lasted for...eternity. Well it sure feels like it. Yeah. That's how the cycle goes for me.

Now that Ramadhan is coming, I don't know what else to do except to fast and pray. Be mechanical. Abstain from sin, I'll try. I mean when you feel forsaken, you'll get it.

Everyone around me is smarter and having a better life than me. Of course they are those who are not as fortunate as me so I have to be grateful. Fine I will, for the sake of it.

"Sabar Ruzaini," is what most people will tell me. Yes tell rather than advice. I can be patient. But not now. I'm snapping. So let me snapped! Let me break into a gazillion pieces. I mean He is simply taking back what he's given me. I should never count it as a curse and/or bad luck. I should be thankful and grateful that He has lent me something. So this is what I'm doing. This is my way of being thankful. It's the unconventional and Ruzaini's way.


On a different note, at least D is back. That is keeping me sane a little bit. I've someone whom I can turn to. Sorry for being hasty. It's the teenage angst speaking; so pardon it.

I look up in the sky and said (not asked),"Is this the same sky that other well-off people are living so I shouldn't be angry. I should feel bummed and smile it out. The ebb and flow of the tide keeps repeating itself."

Logic fails to register as can be clearly seen in the linguistics of me. I forgo the rules of semantics and syntax. I find no purpose in conforming to the laws when I feel harm by it. Laws protect and also assassinate. Sex if fun but sinful (when done by unmarried couple). Well at least I believe sex is fun, afterall that is what we're taught. A fat and cholesterol-filled me finds no reason to be nice to anything, yes I deliberately objectisized everyone except D, simply because I want to be better.

Feel better through being condescending. Guess you can pass it as a syndrome, widely known as inferior complex. If you're gonna talk about complex why not throw in the Oedipus and Electra complex. That way we will all not feel guilty about committing incest. =)

Here's another complex I'd like to contribute to the family of complex: infuriaty complex. It's a paradox whereby you're angry at the same people who made you feel good simply by doing the good deeds they're more prone to do instead of inflicting harm as expected. It's what I'm having.

D is now becoming a big part of me. Yet I get disapproval from myself, and others whom I had conjured in my mind. I think of D most of the time. D cannot escape from my mind. I don't know why. D is the negative energy absorber. All that D needs to do is to smile and ta-dah! he's a negative energy magnet and discarder. I feel better, not magnanimous but decently better.

...(heavy sigh)...

Love y'all

Tuesday, 11 September 2007


China hegemony

If you have been reading The Straits Times these days, then the story about "China hegemony" would be no stranger to you. In Monday's paper, there're reports saying that China isn't heading towards the direction of hegemony.

In truth, China's stories have made headlines. Remember the fake "pau" controversy, suspected infiltration into France's, Germany's, Britain's and US's government sites by people from China, being Asia'a biggest economy - and third largest (if I ain't mistaken) world economy - to add a little bit, many countries are investing in the Chinese markets more than the US (attention towards to them)? In truth, China is a major influence in the world economy right now. Isn't that saying something?

However so, it still cannot be said that China is starting a hegemony. It's simply doing things which will ensure its survival in this more competitive world. Japan is leading in technology. US is leading in practically everything else. Singapore too. They'll be so malu if they can't do the same.

So is there gonnabe "China hegemony"? According to the Chinese officials, it allows the world to stop it from doing so. Yet with the recent news update I beg to differ. Still...Hrmmph...I cannot decide.

Name calling

When you hear someone calling you fat, it means the person wants to appear as slim. So don't be bothered.

If the person say that you're thin/slim, tell them it's the watermelon you ate last night. Right Andrea (go read this week's 8days)?

Celebrities should run the Government

Sometimes I think Stefanie Sun should pair up with Kit Chan to discuss about world issues with Elton John and Madonna or Tata Young or even Angelina Jolie. I asked myself who would make a better government body.

You see, celebrities often work together to get the same message acorss. Think the Divas Concert, Saving Gaia Concert, things in the politics may be shaky but not in the entertainment world. Yeah maybe 'cause it's not meant to be seen. I'm so dumb to make such a caim. Not to mention naive.

But I cannot help to see why is it that I see artistes coming forward to unite the people with their music. Sure there ought to be some form of music propaganda. But at least it's not one which cause people to have differing views and place callous, if not constructive comments that's meant to build a trench, remarks in blogs and newspapers. Who ever wrote about something bitchy of a song and got public attention? I'm reffering to the content, not the writer ah.

Moving On

Guess I have to move on when the other side refuse to clap anymore. Hahak. Quite agonising I must say. But it's better to keep moving then to be stuck in a rut no matter how nice and comfortable atying put is. Right?

Da D...

Love ya'll

Monday, 10 September 2007

Sitting here, I hope and pray

Silently I sit,
Waiting for a reply.
Hoping that you will,
But it never came.

You made me feel good,
Happy and stress-free.
Even when things do not seem so,
You made it well.

I have fallen for you,
And you said that you have the same.
It fills me with bliss,
Smiling in glee.

Yet now you are not there,
Why so? I asked.
Like you,
The answer never came.

Like you,
I pray that it will soon.
Funny how you've made me,
And I enjoy your company.

When you're not here,
I know where you are.
I stare in awe.

Have I known you,
Or have I not?
Have you told me the truth,
Or am I still waiting.

I want answer.
I need answer.
I desire answer.
I pray you'll answer.

I just wanna talk,
Like how it had been.
Don't tell me that you're bored,
That'll make me go wow.

Being callous is part of you,
Or you created it?
Are you testing me,
Or teasing me?

In me I long for you,
Out there I see no you.
I see myself looking,
I see stupid me seeing.

Onlookers laugh,
I blushed.
You're gone,
I'm dead.

It feels a part of me is hollow.
It has been but not sensed till you're not there.

Have I really fallen for you,
Or was I simply infatuating.
Teenagers are good at "falling in love",
But never trully understand it.

Hahak I'm being stupid,
Overthinking of all these.
Perhaps it's just infatuation,
That I mistook for admiration.

Perhaps it's so a case.
I'll try not to think of you anymore,
I'll try not to feel the pain of being ripped.

I name you D.
D for many things.
D for "d one".
D for "d only".

I see no one else,
After I met you.
I wanna stay true,
But it's obvious circumstances are pushing otherwise.

Hahak I laugh to myself,
Hahak I ponder to myself.
Hahak I farced the mockery.
Hahak hahak hahak.

Sitting here, I hope and pray.

Love y'all

Sunday, 9 September 2007


Went for the MDC audition yesterday. I felt good and confident. I'm praying hard that I'll get in. Oh gosh I'm tearing just by the desperation. Zaini (Artistic director of MDC) can you hear my cry? Hahak..

Posted up new albums in my "me-showing" link. Do check 'em out, ya? Hahak..

Here's my list of favourite songs:

1. Mary J Blige - Can't Be Witout You
2. Mariah Carey's - My All
3. Siti Nurhaliza - Bisakah
4. Nelly Furtado - All Good Things Come To An End
5. Sudirman - Merisik Rindu
6. Sudirman - Antara Hujan Dan Airmata
7. Beyonce - Summer Love
8. Beyonce - Listen
9. Beyonce - Suga Mama
10. Christina Aguilera - Candyman
11. Christina Aguilera - Carwash
12. Massari - Real Love
13. Michael Buble - Fever
14. Chris Botti - All Would Envy
15. Michael Buble - Everything
16. Jennifer Hudson - One Night Only
17. Celine Dion - I Surrender
18. Christina Aguilera - Hurt
19. Beyonce - Dangerously In Love
20. Sheila Madjid - Jentayu

In the words of Beyonce in her new single "Still In Love (Kissing You)", D

I am so in love
I am still in love
I never met love quite before
Untill I saw your face and whatching stars
Without you my soul cries
My hething heart is full of pain when we're apart
The aching

I'm kissing you, oooh

I'm kissing you, oooh
You're my father, you are my soldier, you protect me, boy you save me, you're my best friend, You are my husband
My doctor, counsellor, provider, professor
My everything

I love, I love, I love you, I love you, yes I love you
I need, need, I need, you I need you
I can't live with out you
I trust you, I trust you, I trust you
Teach me, take me
When we make love I can feel all your spirit deep in side me
Baby you are so pure


I am kissing you, forever and ever and ever
I love kissing you (kissing you, kissing you)
Spend so many years since we fell in love
You've got some special baby
We can cry together

We can grow together
Be ourselves together
And I love you, more then music
Yes I love you, more then music
I rather be kissing you, oooh
I kissing you, oooh
I love kissing you

[Still In Love lyrics found on]

music vid:

I long to see you...Hahak..

Love y'all