I have been thinking about...things.
Maybe I should push it back to a couple more years later. It was simply too scary.
But it doesn't mean it'll not come; just got delayed for awhile.
Though it does mean that nothing is how it's appearing to be. A smile, a laughter, a giggle and a jolly load of time doesn't mean I've been happy.
It is something everyone does to make a mockery of others. I for one am a good mocker. Not many people can see through the disguised and not many more care. There are a lot more who are oblivious to both.
I like to escape the gripping bareness of my life. It's brought nothing more than a mere existence of this set on stage; much like a prop - important but un-lasting. When the play is over (note: not ended), the stage is strike. Leaving the bare and coldness of space to take over once more.
That is how it has been - in episodes. The last few ones are coming, drawing a close to the story. And like any book that's being read finished, it's closed then shelved.
I know I am not alone in this. There are million others in this world who are going through the exact same thing as I am. But that's them, and this is me. That's the essential difference. That's the only essential difference.
Still, if you refuse to accept the above then think of it as another Holocaust. Easy to draw the similarities? Thank you.
I am an entertainer. I entertain and bring joy to others. But sad to say the same cannot be for me. An entertainer cannot entertain himself. It is his duty "to not do unto others what ether's do unto you."
There were depressing moments before but they've not lasted this long. This has been longer than a moment.
Of course it doesn't mean I've not been happy before. I have, I think. I just couldn't remember how it feels like to.
Remember my "tired" face? It's not exhaustion perse. Well, maybe it is. But it's more of a tired of living kinda thing. So I think I'm going to retire to bed again. I don't know why but I've been very tired lately. All I want to do is sleep.
Till next time. Good day.
Farewell
Sunday 20 July 2008
Friday 4 July 2008
Why can't I see what others can?
From Jason Mraz - The Beauty in Ugly
She’s so big hearted
But not so remarkable
Just an ordinary humble girl
Expecting nothing as we’re made to think
It’s a pretty person’s world
But you are beautiful
And you better go show it
So go look again
You gotta be true to your own
If you really wanna go to the top
Do you really wanna win
Don’t believe in leaving normal
Just to satisfy demand
Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
Well you are fresh
Your face is fabulous
Don’t forget you’re one of a kind
When nobody’s checking the deeds you’ve done
And nobody’s hearing your cries
You make all the fashion statements
Just by dressing up your mind
And if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
And see the beauty in ugly
Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
And see the beauty in ugly
It's true what they say...you are what you believe yourself to be. But...that belief has got to come from somewhere, hasn't it? Question is: where from?
I have no bearing to look at or clues to go on, how do I cope with myself? All these changes and everything...I've been taking them in and spilling them out in ways too stupid or dramatic to look at. I, myself, for one am not sure of my own doing. It's too erroneous and erratic; an impudent wench's doing. It can aptly say I've derailed.
Haha. It's true, it's true...I am no longer walking on proper grounds, I feel, or looking into the mirror for my reflection to see who's looking back at me. I don't want to know who it is and I don't think I would like to. I'd rather keep reeling in the real life. The essence of my living is gone and what's left are just...debris. What have I got to look back for? There's nothing but just dirt.
It is gone and I feel empty and forsaken but I still have to move on, dragging through for a couple more years or so before it all comes to a halt. A standstill. A freeze.
Well I find things are becoming more alien and unheimlich that I don't seem to recognise any. It's like I've become a stone, rock-solid and just sitting there, observing the scenes passing by. I know that I have a lot to live for but when the time comes, I just have to stop it all. Stop all the moving images and buzzing sounds, and sweet smell of stench air and velvet razors cutting through...everything I guess. Just, switch off the lights and go to sleep.
Catholics believe there's such a place called Purgatory. Muslims too, just that they don't call it such; I don't know what it's called. And so do Christians and Hindus and Buddhists and Pagan worshippers. And other agnostics. Funny how similar yet different some things like religion and faith are. I like to think religion as a rubic cube, just give it a few turns and voila! you've got one cube nicely colour-coordinated.
I'm not an atheist. I'm a Muslim. Not a pious muslim, just a decent one. I believe He will never forsake those who have faith in Him. But as for me who's living precariously by the edges, I feel like I'm living in the out-skirts of Life. So I don't know when I'm going to fall. My only worry is whether I will drop straight to Purgatory or Hades. Still, until then you will see me hanging by Hope and Faith. Maybe that's why I feel wishy-washy like in a washing machine. I am holding onto the thread instead of gripping a rope. Well I'm slipping anyway. It's only a matter of time before I let go.
But before I do - as I will not be able to come back and apologise (kakakakaka) - please forgive me for any wrong that I have done to you or any harm whatsoever. With regards to the money I still owe you, don't worry, rest assured I'll pay them before I go (I understand you need money to live). Uhm...what else? Just help me pass my goodbyes to those I didn't have the chance to, ok? Thank you.
Love ya'll
She’s so big hearted
But not so remarkable
Just an ordinary humble girl
Expecting nothing as we’re made to think
It’s a pretty person’s world
But you are beautiful
And you better go show it
So go look again
You gotta be true to your own
If you really wanna go to the top
Do you really wanna win
Don’t believe in leaving normal
Just to satisfy demand
Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
Well you are fresh
Your face is fabulous
Don’t forget you’re one of a kind
When nobody’s checking the deeds you’ve done
And nobody’s hearing your cries
You make all the fashion statements
Just by dressing up your mind
And if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
And see the beauty in ugly
Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly
And see the beauty in ugly
It's true what they say...you are what you believe yourself to be. But...that belief has got to come from somewhere, hasn't it? Question is: where from?
I have no bearing to look at or clues to go on, how do I cope with myself? All these changes and everything...I've been taking them in and spilling them out in ways too stupid or dramatic to look at. I, myself, for one am not sure of my own doing. It's too erroneous and erratic; an impudent wench's doing. It can aptly say I've derailed.
Haha. It's true, it's true...I am no longer walking on proper grounds, I feel, or looking into the mirror for my reflection to see who's looking back at me. I don't want to know who it is and I don't think I would like to. I'd rather keep reeling in the real life. The essence of my living is gone and what's left are just...debris. What have I got to look back for? There's nothing but just dirt.
It is gone and I feel empty and forsaken but I still have to move on, dragging through for a couple more years or so before it all comes to a halt. A standstill. A freeze.
Well I find things are becoming more alien and unheimlich that I don't seem to recognise any. It's like I've become a stone, rock-solid and just sitting there, observing the scenes passing by. I know that I have a lot to live for but when the time comes, I just have to stop it all. Stop all the moving images and buzzing sounds, and sweet smell of stench air and velvet razors cutting through...everything I guess. Just, switch off the lights and go to sleep.
Catholics believe there's such a place called Purgatory. Muslims too, just that they don't call it such; I don't know what it's called. And so do Christians and Hindus and Buddhists and Pagan worshippers. And other agnostics. Funny how similar yet different some things like religion and faith are. I like to think religion as a rubic cube, just give it a few turns and voila! you've got one cube nicely colour-coordinated.
I'm not an atheist. I'm a Muslim. Not a pious muslim, just a decent one. I believe He will never forsake those who have faith in Him. But as for me who's living precariously by the edges, I feel like I'm living in the out-skirts of Life. So I don't know when I'm going to fall. My only worry is whether I will drop straight to Purgatory or Hades. Still, until then you will see me hanging by Hope and Faith. Maybe that's why I feel wishy-washy like in a washing machine. I am holding onto the thread instead of gripping a rope. Well I'm slipping anyway. It's only a matter of time before I let go.
But before I do - as I will not be able to come back and apologise (kakakakaka) - please forgive me for any wrong that I have done to you or any harm whatsoever. With regards to the money I still owe you, don't worry, rest assured I'll pay them before I go (I understand you need money to live). Uhm...what else? Just help me pass my goodbyes to those I didn't have the chance to, ok? Thank you.
Love ya'll
Tuesday 1 July 2008
Pooper
I know this is very sudden but...
Two things.
1. I wanna work in the PR line.
2. I hope the SAF Day celebration just now had been more professional looking and better orchestrated. Only the parade SM, warrant juma'at, did an excellent job. The rest of us have to learn from him.
Love ya'll
Two things.
1. I wanna work in the PR line.
2. I hope the SAF Day celebration just now had been more professional looking and better orchestrated. Only the parade SM, warrant juma'at, did an excellent job. The rest of us have to learn from him.
Love ya'll
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