Bummed

I'm bummed.

Shaiful, I should have never gone for the audition had I known the outcome.

Ruzaini I think you should just stop what you're doing and go back to what you're good at: being a lame duck at the butt of everyone joke. You should just stop trying to make it in showbiz, or the theatre for that matter. You don't have the commercial look. You cannot be market.

Maybe backstage or behind the screen you might say. Yes maybe. It's not what I wanna do but well it's a sbustitute. Guess I can settle for the next best.

Might as well continue with what you're good at: study Chembiocem at NTU and do some research and find someone decent and get married.

I feel fucking painful telling myself this but it's the truth. I was so stupid to even believe I can make it either at NIDA or RADA and soon Hollywood. You cannot even pass Suria lah with yourself.

Do political science at NUS, major in public policy and maybe become PR, if you don't like the first choice. Cause it's obvious you're not getting what you've been yearning for. It's really, trully stupid and idiotic to even dream. Like seriously wake up and smell reality!

Seriously, what the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!

Y0u're meant to do great things. Yes, within the cubicle of your predestined desk-bound office job at the lowest level of the company! Movies are bullocks. Inspirational stories are meant to delude, smearing the hard stoned cold fact. Believing is shit. Hoping is stupid. God is fair.

Right, God?! I'm asking you nicely what is it that you want me to do to please you and those around me?

I need answers to keep myself sane and grounded and faithful.

Hell yeah I'm stupid. You made me that way. But I dreamt like I was a Cambridge/Oxford material. Ok maybe too high. I dreamt I was a chem engine material student. Clearly I'm not. I'm a dumbass. Too idiotic that I only realised it a few years later. Bodoh kan? Dah sah da.

Yelah, orang cakap kita dengar. Orang nasihat kita dengar. Orang perli kita terima. Sebab da tolol. Apa nak buat? Buat bodoh je ah. Oh sorry. I memang bodoh. Haha.

I cannot help but feel like a failure 24/7 three sixty-five. My up points lasted for only...a few seconds. My low points lasted for...eternity. Well it sure feels like it. Yeah. That's how the cycle goes for me.

Now that Ramadhan is coming, I don't know what else to do except to fast and pray. Be mechanical. Abstain from sin, I'll try. I mean when you feel forsaken, you'll get it.

Everyone around me is smarter and having a better life than me. Of course they are those who are not as fortunate as me so I have to be grateful. Fine I will, for the sake of it.

"Sabar Ruzaini," is what most people will tell me. Yes tell rather than advice. I can be patient. But not now. I'm snapping. So let me snapped! Let me break into a gazillion pieces. I mean He is simply taking back what he's given me. I should never count it as a curse and/or bad luck. I should be thankful and grateful that He has lent me something. So this is what I'm doing. This is my way of being thankful. It's the unconventional and Ruzaini's way.

Alhamdulliah.

On a different note, at least D is back. That is keeping me sane a little bit. I've someone whom I can turn to. Sorry for being hasty. It's the teenage angst speaking; so pardon it.

I look up in the sky and said (not asked),"Is this the same sky that other well-off people are living so I shouldn't be angry. I should feel bummed and smile it out. The ebb and flow of the tide keeps repeating itself."

Logic fails to register as can be clearly seen in the linguistics of me. I forgo the rules of semantics and syntax. I find no purpose in conforming to the laws when I feel harm by it. Laws protect and also assassinate. Sex if fun but sinful (when done by unmarried couple). Well at least I believe sex is fun, afterall that is what we're taught. A fat and cholesterol-filled me finds no reason to be nice to anything, yes I deliberately objectisized everyone except D, simply because I want to be better.

Feel better through being condescending. Guess you can pass it as a syndrome, widely known as inferior complex. If you're gonna talk about complex why not throw in the Oedipus and Electra complex. That way we will all not feel guilty about committing incest. =)

Here's another complex I'd like to contribute to the family of complex: infuriaty complex. It's a paradox whereby you're angry at the same people who made you feel good simply by doing the good deeds they're more prone to do instead of inflicting harm as expected. It's what I'm having.

D is now becoming a big part of me. Yet I get disapproval from myself, and others whom I had conjured in my mind. I think of D most of the time. D cannot escape from my mind. I don't know why. D is the negative energy absorber. All that D needs to do is to smile and ta-dah! he's a negative energy magnet and discarder. I feel better, not magnanimous but decently better.

...(heavy sigh)...

Love y'all