Tuesday, 22 December 2009

still deciding, and it's because i'm afraid

i've done my thorough research. yet, i'm still unconvinced. why?

llb(hons) is definitely not an easy subject. it's complex and rigorous and intensive. and i want to do it. but i'm very afraid at the prospect of studying the subject. and imagine me, being a lawyer! i'm peeing in my pants just thinking about it! (who in their right mind wouldn't?)


*saw a cute guy and had this monologue: excuse me sir, can i see you behind? i need to fuck you right now. (smiles)*


(the following is written hours later. it's now 12am)

"I've read it is as difficult as Oxbridge but it has a great rep so will be worth the slog"

i chanced on this while doing my research. it's from: http://www.traineesolicitor.co.uk/forums/undergraduate-discussion/3609-llb-university-london-external-system.html

it excites me more, and i'm more psyched to do the llb. but a couple of things came to mind:

1. this was a subjective view, meaning oxbrigde (as well as the uk universities law programme) standard maybe higher.

2. this is comforting, as it shows how difficult the course is (or can be) and that i might not lose out to my competition from oxbridge. (see the nullification?)

3. it's more about me and how i want to succeed. i've gone through 'O' and 'A' level and from my results i can gauge just about where i am at. so it means i have nothing to fret. now that i have more time, and i'm in control of it, i should be wise enough to decide on to do and how to do it better. i don't have a "rigid" school curriculum and activities to take up my time; i have as much time as i want to dedicate to my learning.

*4. of course i do not have the privilege of training for presentation, learning a new language(s), communication skills, research, internship, formal meetings with the bigs boys and girls, relevant and important contacts (before graduating), workforce exposure(?) and day-to-day schooling (which was responsible for my discipline back in school). this might put me at a (huge) disadvantage. so i  have to carefully consider. (ruzaini, refer to point 3)

5. and i cannot grow complacent and believe those not in the course are inferior than i am. we differ only in the knowledge we decide to pursue. etiqutte, attitude, aptitude and the way we work (i.e. how) don't differ that much and it is these qualities that determine my own success. our success. so i shouldn't look down on people. instead, i appeal to them to be on the same page and standard as i am, or slightly lower.

6. regarding finding a job, the skills i grilled myself to acquire would do me fine! i may not have the specific or technical knowledge but having a law degree will put me on a relatively safe ground. i need to prove to myself, and them, that i can work and i deserve the best. it'll earn me respect and confidence. and in the long run, i wouldn't ask for more.

7. since i am mentally prepared, i shouldn't have doubts. it will only falter my determination. i need to stop looking at the: "what if i had done this..." or "what if i did this..." or "should i take this up instead..." it will only bring me no where. (i'm kinda proud to say that i am gradually teaching myself how to think like a lawyer: "i think, therefore i am".)

it's an investment. and i have to play rough if i want good returns. yes?

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