confession (2)

i am jealous.

yes. i try to tell me myself that it's envy. or maybe it's more of envy than jealousy but i think i shouldn't lie. it's official. i am jealous.

i want a rich life. or something that money can buy. like holidays or schools.

if i go stansfield and do english, by the end of my course (2011) i have to pay back my loan. depending on which bank, most probably it's immediately after i graduate. but i want a more vibrant student life. i want to go on exchange. to me, it's the only time i get to go away from home for something fun and educational.

but this can only happen if i go to public universities. if it's smu/nus/ntu, i might not get to go (on such trips) because my parents can't afford. so maybe nie(?). i'll get allowance, cpf deduction, and fun on trips overseas. and since they offer drama as a major, i might just do that.

but am i doing the right thing? it's not about being practical or reasonable. am i being fair to myself? should i let myself be subjected to doing things i don't feel passionate for? i am passionate for drama, but not teaching. can i let myself go through such audacity?

i've made a promise to do what i like, and work hard for it. now i have to get back that drive and do what i feel is right. for myself. i only have myself at the end of the day (or at the end). so no matter what i do, i have to answer for them. and live through the consequences.

life is as inconsequential as i sometimes let it. so while i still can, i have to take action! and stick by it. i may not have the mind of hana's, or astri's maturity or yana's brains. but what i have is something different. and it's no less brilliant and beautiful. i may not see it with my eyes. it may not be visible to me, but i've got talent (this i know and very sure of). and it's my decision on how i want to make use of that gift.

so ruzaini, don't tell yourself how lucky people are. believe that you are just as lucky. and lucky people are grouped together. they come to one another naturally. lucky people are grouped together. smile. and embrace their luck. it's how you get your share of it. =)

and this is why i want to keep working, going out with friends, or having some activity. i have to keep my mind busy or i'll retract to this negative/sad/dishearten mood like everything around me is good and i'm having a miserable life. so i need to get back on my feet! and do something!