Astri kill me on Friday (today), if you're coming. I'm seeing Izzy. Like seeing seeing Izzy. I'm a mess. A straight acting possibly even latent gay bastard who is stuck in a rut 'cause of his relentless failed relationship with men, or boys, and fervent desire to be loved and touched by such venomous poison of physical intimacy and sensuality to find solace in the midst of expounding solidarity.
Just then a grilfriend messaged...telling me she dislike her boyfriend. They often quarelled. So I try to philosophized the matter for her. Hahak. I don't think I was good lah.
'Cause you see, the way they behave is like as if they've tied the knot. One is busy with work. The other is annoyed 'cause she's seconded. He fights for her early discharge.
The way the two show concern for each other is through hostility and animosity more than love and harmony - typical of a married couple. It's like the two know that they have each other so they take advantage of the other, expecting the other to undestand. BUT it's a fairy. And fairy tales don't always have a happy ending...
She said that she doesn't wanna leave him 'cause of a promise she made.
Here's the thing. When she niat, she has bookmarked something crucial to her mind. Let's not talk about religion here. Let's talk logic - the basis of understanding.
She niat, it gets noted to her mind, she keeps reminding herself, so it stays and moves to the long term memory slot in her mind.
Crying is a way to let it all out. A stress "reliever" so to speak. Metaphorically, the tears she shed represent the pangs of emotions she's bottled up.
However, sadly her reluctance to erase that bookmark has deeprooted her desire to want something she cannot have.
Her wishful thinking becomes an obsession. She becomes compulsive. She gets paranoid. She feels scared.
Thus she goes back to her comfort zone to find solace - the niat she first make. The matter becomes relentless and she becomes restless; 'cause she cannot find peace. There's no definite place for her to go to. Her "home" is gone.
Here's where you go...ceh...ceh...ceh debar...! Hahak...
But seriously, don't you think so?
Now it's about me. I'm reading this book ah. Quite philosophical. It made me think and reflect what I've been going through.
It came to me that who I'm looking for has always been there. It's just that I refuse to see. He had been there. And doesn't seem to budge. Not moved by anyone else.
His mind is fixed on someone. He was willing to wait. He apologized eventhough it wasn't his fault. He's always there for me. Willing to wait for any period of time so long as there's chance.
He cares. I failed. And I'd like another chance. Would you think he'll give it to me?