Hindsight

Had it been easier, it'll not be called Life...

If only I could tell you for real how it is. If only I could explain and make it less complicated. If only you'd finally accept. My life will be happier and guilt-free. Has it been this hard for some people? Why do I question this kinda things? It's quite clear there is no way around it. Maybe there is...but...nah, I don't think you'll do it. But then again some things aren't predictable. I'm becoming stupid. It's no wonder I get corrected most of the time. Ruzaini, help yourself! Well if it suddenly works out, what happens next? Wouldn't it very awkward? Turns out, we'll drift apart even further and faster. Like the story from the book The Glass Cathedral. Then, I'll learn my lesson. No! No! No! I can't bear that. I'll plunge to manic depression and die. How's that for living Life? But I would love to be with you. But it just can't. Unless you change (which will not happen). I need to move on. But it's so hard. Yet I have to. Would getting a surrogate or substitute be good? Yeah...it sounds like a good idea. Now where can I get one? No where, duh! Help! What's the use, no one is going to hear anyway less listen. I can say all I want but no one would talk. I can't move. Gosh...I need to move! Why am I stuck in this place. I know why, cause I'm fat hence high inertia. Don't give me thoughts. But oh please do. It feels so good to feel them. Is this love? But how can a good feeling be mixed with a horrible sensation at the same time? The juxtaposition is just wrong yet it's quite uncanny. Can I marry the two? Now that's a recipe for disaster! But everything has to be in balance for it to work, right? So that would mean it's good for both the good feeling and horrible sensation to coexist (man that sounds very animal but, errgh, whatever)...really? Nope. Some things can exist in balance but this kinda things, especially when at the centre of it you have the heart, mixing the two will not work. It'll be a conflict of interest and soon, I'll self-destruct. But it's better to self-destruct now especially when I'm feeling like crap. I've nothing to gain but everything to lose. Might as well lose everything at one go and atone. Atone? Was it a sin to love? Yes. Especially when it's the wrong person. It's a carnal sin, the eighth. But I've never lust over - . Don't lie. Oh okay, sometimes but it's to a harmless degree (aka with the top off). Whatever. You are greedy for wanting all to yourself. It's not greed! You're right, it's selfish. It's...What? Nothing. So how now? I don't know...I'm not happy because I'm guilty.

I hate myself for falling.

Love ya'll