Family

Mary J Blige sings happy song about Family Affairs but I think sometimes it's everything but. Unlike some people I am not close to my family, but doesn't mean we're apart. We don't eat together. Spend time together as a family like going to the beach or simply having a picnic over the weekends. Maybe I have myself to blame for that. I chose to drift away from them. And I think it's for a good reason.

Would you still want to acquaint yourself to people who are unsupportive of the things you do and more, of who you are? I've not told them about me because I find it pointless. Furthermore, they'll flip and maybe disown me. Well I may never know but the fear if enough to put off thoughts of exposing myself. It's frightening enough.

You see the things I do now I keep my family in the dark. I told Kent most of it. I think probably he knows most about me. That's because unlike him, they would brush off the idea. Especially my dad. He's always condemning - there's no better word for it - my brother and I of the things we would like to do. Words like "idiot", "stupid", "waste of time", "ridiculous" are among the unplesant words he would utter to us. Compliments? As far as I could recall, he's never said them. Or maybe he has but because it's been a long time since it seems immaterial now. But it doesn't matter. My brother and I are old enough to take care of myself. Let my youngest sister have all his attention and care.

It's fine with me that he compliments her a lot, and pays more attention to her because that means she'll have a better childhood and later life compared to my brother and I. And as the eldest child, you just wanna see your younger siblings be better than you. Just like how our parents want us to be better than them. So I'm happy for her.

I stay in camp for reasons like these: I want my space, I wanna get away from my family, I wanna prove to my parents that I can be independent, and, especially this, I am not worthless. Are these selfish reasons? My mother thinks so which is why she disapproves me of staying over in camp. But I couldn't care less. It's my life now. I think it's time I have control of my life.

And my dad? Well he's okay with it. He knows. He was once a young man. So I appreciate his understanding.

Before I continue, please bear in mind that I do not loathe my family. Neither do I dislike them. I simply want to tell them, indirectly, that I am not leeching off them and to leave me alone. If you're not supportive of what I did and gonna do, then leave me alone to do them. I don't need your help anymore. I can carry on on my own. You've unnecessarily baggaged me enough. Let me succeed and fall on my own. Isn't that what you're pushing me to do?

I'm only close to my brother. And that was because I have to. There was a period of them when he was seriously troubled, and getting into serious trouble. And my mum was practically losing her mind. My dad indulges in work to get away from all these. And my sister, she's just lost and pained in the mess. I drifted away as well. But realised that my mum was flailing so I decide to help. Thank goodness things got back to normal. And now, I'm detaching myself once more. But still close to my brother. But he doesn't know much about me. Neither do I know much about him. But we definitely know more about each other than our parents do about us. And it pains my mum. I see it in her eyes. But unless some things change, I don think my and brother and I are gonna. I've done enough to make things better. But none are appreciated.

I envy those people with good parents. From what I see, they grow up becoming more sucessful and happier people. I wish my family is like that. Maybe when I have a family on my own, I can have my fantasy family. But till then, I'm working hard for it.

A friend of mine told me that he feels like he's got no family. They're physically living together but not together. And it saddens him. I know what you're saying man.

What's the root of the problem actually? Is it the conomy? A natural by-product of modernisation? Fate? A psychological problem? Whatever it is, it's insidious alright.

Right now I feel empty; almost literally. I feel so empty. As if my whole body is a vacuum, and my life is a facade. A smile in front hiding the drooping frown underneathe. It really feels so empty. I've never felt so empty before. Even with all the fun activities I were to do, I still find my life uneventful. I feel like sleeping and not waking up. It's like I find no reason and purpose to wake up.

Why am I waking up everyday?

Love ya'll