restless

i woke up today feeling different. nothing seems to have changed yet i don't feel right, as if i have been 'taken out'. i am afraid, lost and in pain. my mind was in a swirl and my body felt separated. it was distinctively different and i thought, in that instant, that maybe i should sleep in for a while more.

i woke up again, several hours later, feeling the same. i knew it wasn't going to be good day. and for the days to come, i will not have it good.

i took a shower and let the water ran.

it felt quite good just standing under the shower. i could think for a short while before i went back to the state i was in. it wasn't a hangover, because i don't drink. it was more real than that. i felt like purging almost all the time.

perhaps it was the exhaustion or the weather (it had been raining heavily since the night before), i don't know. but if it is one or the other i don't think feeling 'bad' is one of the things i should have. what is bad about being tired? the mind mainly blanks out while the body recuperates and that means more sleep. it helps that the weather was on my side.

whatever it was, there was guilt attached to it. i could feel the guilt, the slow chewing power of guilt eating away parts of my inside bit by bit. what have i got to be guilty of? or maybe, what am i not guilty of?

i recalled what happened the past few days: besides partying all night on friday, and skipping my entire day of prayers, and then back to work on saturday morning, which was i rudely awaken by the rattling noise at home resulting to only three hours of sleep for another ten hours of work followed by five hours of sleep that night for another fifteen hours of work on sunday - all done with my prayers skipped.

and on monday i was too tired i cancelled all my appointments and slept for most part of the day. though we cannot catch up on lost sleep i thought of simply resting - proper rest (the last time i had one was months ago). but that didn't help much.

and then the mind wondered about what could've happened if i had been born smarter. would i have topped my school? would i have gone to stansford? would my life be better? would i have done things differently? the depressing thoughts went on relentlessly, which made my bad state worse.

i started thinking about what went wrong. what went really wrong?

i don't know.

i couldn't sleep properly either. all that sleep i had, i wish they have been good ones. and i dreamt. for every ten minutes i woke up i remembered i dreamt. and that was how it was the entire night and during my afternoon naps.

something is wrong. i know it. but i don't know what it is.

i feel the pangs of the pain. it hurts. then it goes away and comes back a few minutes later. it's troubling. and it is affecting me. why?

i let the water ran still. i hope that the water can still my heart and wash away the pain. just for that minute, or two, i want time to stop and hear only silence.

madness

when you try so hard that you feel like your heart is about to leap out of your mouth. when the thoughts get too intense no other thing could penetrate. when blood gallops through the veins leaving no time for you to breathe. when you breath grows thin and shallow you cannot think. the fingers become numb and then the hands and the whole arm. it moves down, further down to your gut, hardening the muscles solidifying the bowels. you start to not feel. you lose the senses and consciousness. the brain then starts to react but jammed. the system is failing, falling, crashing.

this is madness.

school

(this is how you prove 11 is a prime number)

i like school. i like learning things that i may not apply when i go to work like chemical bonds, or electron size. but they give me good head start. i get to show off. everyone loves a genius, except for himself. well sometimes.

alice said she has gone to meet the rabbit. and mr wolf is reading birth of prison by foucault. the girl with the red hood is cooking porridge for goldilocks. cinderella and ariel said they are coming with perseus but they didn't say when. the small men are still in gulliver's stomach looking for moby, the dick. willy is swimming with spot. the swan is on a date with pinochio and the cricket is trying to run away from mulan. i have barney with me but he's too big. besides he's purple and i don't like purple. dorothy was supposed to lend me her sneakers but the cow took it with aries's shoes to jump over the moon. the fork and spoon are drinking tea with lady bracknell. everyone is busy leaving me alone.

but i don't worry. i am here watching the sand before i get to blow the horn. i'm excited! wonder what magic is going to happen next!

the r.e.l.i.g.i.o.n

we choose our mothers. before we are born, we have them exactly what we would like them to be. there is a catalog of mothers in heaven. and god lets us choose whom we want to be born from; and the life we want to live in.

and when we die, we don't actually die. to die means to cease living. but we still appear in people's memories. to some, we are still afresh in their minds. so i don't think we truly disappear. as long as we are remembered, we keep on living. we leave our physical body but we still live on. in the afterlife, or on earth. those stories that we were told are bullshit. can we prove that there is a heaven and/or hell? we were told, rather, cautioned, that we will receive our rewards and punishment in the 'afterlife'. i choose to believe that 'an afterlife' is just a word. what really happens, we don't know. we can't talk directly to god; we are too disgusting for that. only the purest of existence are allowed to, like archangel jibril (gabriel) and the prophets.

so when we die, don't believe what they say. they don't know it too. they just bullshit something 'rational'. it's inconsequential. think about it. it is something that is believed, but not proven. and that is how it is going to be for many time to come. it is quite enough to have a belief. that is substantial.

this is how i think we go:

1. we move from god's haven to someone's womb - to house us while we develop into a human form, like a caterpillar in its pupae stage - of our choosing.

2. we come out and learn about this new environment.

3. we find that it is enough, we tell Him that it is enough, we decide to move on.

4. we leave 'our body' and the dust layer behind. it is the dust layer that gets the punishment and reward.

5. while we move on to somewhere.

where to? i cannot prove. no one knows because we don't come back and tell those after us.

oh! i forgot. when we move on to somewhere else, we divide ourselves. we have some on earth, where we had stayed. and we have some elsewhere in the universe. the rainbow is a cosmic vagina. everything springs out from it.

i fell in love with a boy

i fell in love. with a boy.

he caught my eye when he first walked into the room. since we're strangers and i didn't want to be assumed as too forward, i didn't say anything to him. but i kept looking at him, secretly.

finally, that one day came. we exchanged a few words. i was calm and also extremely thrilled. i was being professional, we were becoming colleagues.

as time went by, we became more comfortable with each other. that was when we had conversations. i couldn't remember what it was but it felt natural, not awkward. not at all.

bien sur, we got closer as the production started to take on a very good shape. i was still embarrassed to start the talks but i feign being nervous.

soon enough, we came to a point when it was acceptable to open up our personal lives. i asked him and he answered. i had to carefully thread as i know he has a girlfriend and i didn't want to come off as too strong. success.

on the last day, before i went on stage for the last time for that show, i pried a little more. this time it was different. it was emotional.

he told me about his history: where he'd been and how she stayed on. and like lightning, very swiftly it hit me and i felt it. between them, it is deep and profoundly beautiful. i understood the strength and love between them.

and time had stopped.

i fell. it hit me very strongly and i fell. i couldn't hold up i had to let go.

a day has gone by and i'm still lamenting. i don't know why i cannot let him go. maybe it's because i made it too close to my heart.

or maybe, for that brief period, i had fallen unnecessarily and unknowingly in love with him.