Like a Cow whose pussy got stuck

I'm frustrated. I'm fucking frustrated. Like whatever I do and be in is not right. That's fucking frustrating you know? Fucking frustrating.

Simply said I'm like a cow whose pussy got stuck. Use the phrase if you wanna. It's gonna make its way into the English dictionary anyway. Soon lah. Wait till I talk to the relevant people hor.

I stayed in camp yesterday. Mum blasted in the morning, again. Wanted to get away from it all. And I spent the night with friends at SMTI. Bunch of cool people. A good getaway. Well since I got no where else to run to, staying in camp was the best option. Besides, I know its safe. Food's there. Shower. My own bunk. What more can I ask for? All the basic necessities are there. That's why I love camp. People don't understand lah duh. They call me crazy. But camp is like a weekend home. My own dwelling place. My own place. My space. This of course is not the frustrating part.

If you still haven't realised, I don't quite like to blog about negativities that have happened to me. I choose to forget them. One way is not blog about them. That way I won't need to recall the incident, right? I will if it keeps harping.

Haiks...I'm frustrated about my english. Can't I write nicely? I mean I'm aware of my grammar and thank God I don't make mistakes as often. But I'm frustrated that I cannot express them better. It's like I try and try and try and try and the fucking expressions just don't fucking change.

Why this bothers me? Cause I aspire to be a writer, too. You tell me, who'd read my book if I were to write like this?

Ya, ya. Maybe I'm being too hasty. I mean I never tried. How can I know right? Who knows I could be better than Catherine Lim or Stella Kon or Haresh? Kakakakakaka! Yeah right, right? Fuck man. Cow whose pussy got stuck.

Okay, what does it mean to have a good command of the language? My idea is to be good at coming up with wonderful expressions effortlessly, not forgetting the grammar and semantics lah duh. Is this a valid idea?

Why am I even asking you? It's not like you're somekind of theorist or linguist or something. Whatever. My ideas are valid. They are true. And they will stay. Unless someone can make me budge. =)

Okay, problem. I suddenly got a bit, a bit only not very much, concern of the words "true" and "valid". It's like I think they're problematic terms. Alright, here comes me philosophising the words again...

Okay. Here's the problem: "true" and "valid". It's like something can be "true" but it may not be "valid", likewise vice versa. The Einstein laws are true and valid. But to me the increase in GST last year are true but not valid. Euthanasia is immoral is not true but valid. Okay, another sexy and much debated word: moral. For this case, I'll leave out the argument for what is "moral". Not gonna talk about it. It's too chimp-panzee.

But whatever lah! Moving on...

Man. Why am I not smarter? Why can't I be better though I try, relentlessly. I'm fucking frustrated I'm not smart. This is my problem. This is the issue. This is it. To look better. More popular. Dress better. Think better. Be better than everyone else. I feel so stupid. God I feel so stupid. Gosh, I am stupid.

And dumb. Assholic. Idiotic. Pathetic. Ghoulish. And...

Love ya'll

Re(de)fining me

I'm almost 20 this year. And there are things I was proud I did and some I wasn't. But I cannot change much anyway. I can make what is to come better, that's what I can do. I think that is what I'll do.

But what? What is it that I wanna better? My psyche? Personality? Image? What? There are so many...

Maybe I'll start with the way I write. I realise I'm not a good writer. I'm not good with words but I try to be. In the end, it becomes messy and incomprehensible. I wanna write like Sarah, Su, Iris Murdoch, Margaret Atwood because I find it nice. The way they write is very good. The words they choose and the way they write their sentences. It's complex yet simple. It can be understood. I tried to write like them. But when I do, it becomes retarded. My sentences are horrible. And it's obvious that I have poor command of the language. And it's fucking embarrassing! Kakaka...

And acting. I wanna learn how to act properly. To be a good actor. To act and react as the character and not as me. This is very hard. It's harder than I thought. Have you tried?

And my outlook on things in general. I realise I need to be more accepting and more critical in my thinking. It's too naive still. I'm 20 (soon) for heaven sake. At least have a better mindset. How am I going to survive in university if my mindset is still so childish?

And this of course has got something to do the way I write. I need to write better, dammit! Maybe I should read more...then practise writing and penning my thoughts.

Or should I approach subject matters that are more related to me and my age? I don't want to sound too old, nor too amateur. Yet I want to point out my views. Oh I know! I can still talk about the things I want but now I just have to be more careful of how I would write them. Ya. That way I won't sound too old nor too unknowing. I think this is a workable solution. Am I doing it now? Kakaka...I think I am. And it feels better too. Kakaka...

And of course when you're more comfortable with the way you write your views will come across, right people? It's "cleaner", less contrived and more apt. I guess I was having problem with the brevity. Hopefully, it's not anymore. Tell me if I am. I wanna clock my progress.

With regards to my image...I'm now in the mood of not dressing up. Yes people. I'm not dressing up whenever I go out. I wanna look thrashy to fashion aficionados but not to the ordinary people who know nuts about fashion and style but still dare to make a statement. Hats off to them. Well, I guess cause I like to tease. Yeah...I'm a teaser. Like many people in Singapore. By looking at the way they dress, you'd never thought they'd be living in a big house and driving around in luxurious cars and having high IQ. I like this game of teasing. So I decide to play too. You should, it's fun. Kakaka...

One reason is because I'm running out of clothes to wear. I've practically done all the possible permutations of tops and pants and accesories and tried them all. So that means I have to stock up my wardrobe but I'm low on "moolah" (to use Tannie's word). That's why I've to tone down on the dressing up bit. Haiks...So now I'm dressing to be comfortable and look decent. Presentable lah to safely put it. Sorry. I'm guilty if charged.

That's all I have to think now.

Love ya'll

Goodness, gracious me!

I went to visit the Singapore Nationail Museum last Sunday and I tell you, it's awesome giler giler. The Louvre Greek exhibition is amazing man. It's like you learn about Greeks' history and cultures, and their gods and heroes and what not. The statues look cool man. I mean for someone who has been fascinated by the ancient Greeks to come and see and learn about them, it's like orgasmic lah.

They have gods for like so many things: wilderness lah, love, war, nature, mercy, etc. Like cool right? Ya ya I know you know you know I know. But I'm sure you don't know the things I know from the exhibition. The things you know I know, the things I know you may not know, the things you may not know I know. So I know you know what I know you know. You know? No?

First things first, let's scrutinise Zeus. Yes the amoral bastard. I'm not wrong in calling him so because he is. Serious! You see ah, he seduced goddesses and mortals, slept with them, impregnate them, then bear almost no responsiblity to them, and have mistresses! You call that a god? Or even a leader? Rememeber...he is also the King of gods...?!

You can say that I'm rash but I don't care. Look at what he did.

And then ah, I was thinking hor...you say that dogs are men best friend right? Do you know that the gods often keep dogs as pets and as their protector? And the gods are always assuming human shapes? And they are nude? And they have a dwelling place? They have feelings. They fall prey to temptations.

Kinda make you think,"what's the difference between Man and god then?"

And also the culture. In ancient Greece, culture is religion. The things they do, the activities they participate in, the social system, everything. Their culture is considered as a religion to them. And then you start to think about the different Religions we got to know today: Islam, Christianity, Catholicism, Hinduism, Buddism...does culture influence them or do they influence culture?

Bear in mind the doctrines that were already present before such "official" religions come to face. And the ethos that shape communities. The intricate and complicated relationship between God and His people, Man and Culture, prayers and faith.

So which comes first? Religion or culture? Would religion then be relevant in this modern society, where people are more rationale and bound to goodness? The next question would then be: what is defined as "goodness"?

Well to me, trying not to preach here, goodness has no real meaning. How can we define goodness when we already know what it is? Do we need a definition, a guideline, to help us live? Can we not live by our principles and own judgements? It is too great a power to bridle using words. It has no form, no structure. It can neither be touched nor seen. It can definitely not be captured. How then can we conquer goodness?

Imagine this: You are in a place that has no beginning and no end. You don't know how far it spreads or how deep you'll fall, if you fall. But you know where you are. You see what is around you. You hear what is around you. You can take a point of reference, at the evry least. You have a spot to be safe in. And then you realise you are in this thing. And this thing is real, and you are in it. You are part of it. You are now, part of it. How would you feel?

I would feel controlled. Not intimidation. Nor fear. But secured and safe. As if you're in the arms of something that has forsworn to protect you. Protected, that's what I feel. And this sublime feeling is incomparable. I think this is goodness.

I think. I'm using my mind. My mind is where all these ethos and utilitarianism are stored and passed down from generation to generation. I have to think to feel. The mind has to activate the senses. The mind has to be probed. The arms that are protecting me are probing my mind. Goodness is tapping into me. So if people are using their minds more these days, we would not have to resort to violence. And killings. Wars and conflicts. What we need are intelligence and patience. And I believe this is the fundamental of all religions. All religion teaches us to be good. And to be good is to be within the circle of goodness. And goodness is all around. It's the current that's pushing Tme forward.

Goodness is always moving forward. It does not go back because it doesn't want to visit the debris of mistakes being left behind, pouched by History. And with it, it brings Time. Hence the phrase, "a better tomorrow."

The mistakes the Greek gods make are not to be repeated. I believe that is what history is trying to tell us. If even the gods are susceptible to mistakes, what about Man? Hence the implication here is that there is a greater power existing, dawning on us. And this greater power is the true, and only, God. Notice the diference in spelling for the Greek gods and God as we know today. Perhaps that is why the Greeks did not worship the gods they had, although I must say that whether these gods trully exist is questionable. But then again, the Greeks could simply be sculpting an embodiment a failed human, consumed by the power he's been entrusted with.

I stand by the notion that culture is religion, the latter is simply a more "official" term, and the Greeks are right is recognising this. Although some modernist may say that it's the other way round, I would not fault that claim. It depends on how you look at it. I prefer to look through the eyes of the Greeks.

Sorry if I sound like I'm preaching. I'm merely putting up a view to be disputed if you'd like to. But at least here me out: be good and standby goodness. It's God's embassy to us all.

Love ya'll

Rent

Mind if I rent your heart? I need one to fill mine. You see it's been awhile since I last entertain thoughts of getting attached. Somehow I managed to suppress them before. But now, since I have not much work and things to do to act as a distraction, mind if I rent your heart?

Wait. Let me correct that. Mind if I borrow your heart? I suddenly realised that I may not have enough to pay for the rent. If I have to borrow...ah...now that's more Singaporean-like: get it cheap or free whenever possible.

Now where was I? Oh yes, matters of the heart - a subject that requires no proper introduction. I'm sure all of us have had a fair of this issue. Some might be more detrimental than others. But still, we have had our share. For others who have yet to experience it, wait. It'll come to you. And when it does, you'll be praying for it to stop.

You might ask why the sudden question after being silent for quite a long period of time. It is precisely because of the long period of absence I'm asking this question. You see, I've been thinking and reflecting (which I'm sure all of you do as well) over some things. And during this period, I wish not to be disturbed by unwanted thoughts or distractions. Hence, I chose to remain silent until the time is right. Now, the time is right.

Being an adolescent of 19 years of age - my oh my, how old this sound - my inequistive nature has probed me to ask several questions which will affect how my life would be in time to come. They are mainly questions that has got to do with education, friendships, families, love and fate. With regards to the other aspect that make me who I am, I have silent them. Telling them to rest while I sort my priorities.

Now for the first problem (yes a problem): education. We all know the importance of education. It is a matter not to be taken lightly if one doesn't wish to drown in the torrent of change and advancement. It is a basic survival tool that not only our government but also our parents have been stressing on. Sadly, kids these days undermined the importance of education, choosing fun above everything else. I have never looked at education lightly. I know the peril I'll get into if I do. And as of which I'd like to gain from the best that is to offer out there.

There are many things I wish to learn. I aspire to be multi-disciplinary. But due to the short span of time given I simply cannot learn everything. And I do mean everything. Hence, it's sensible to choose. And I hate to choose. I can hardly make an informed decision everytime. And it's tiring. But still, I have to choose.

So, after doing some homework I had chosen to read Philosophy. Why? I am attracted to the inquisitive nature of the subject. That is not to say that other subjects lack this aspect, they still do but not as much as Philosophy. Perhaps it is due to my quiet puritan desire that drives me to read Philo. Or could it be the interdisciplinary nature of the subject. You see, in philosophy you're required to ask and get answers. And when it comes to asking, you can ask about anything and everything. The catch is that you have to rack your brains but I don't mind. If it's for the better then why not?

Why not read Economics? It too covers many grounds and requires you to think. Plus it'll give you a more secured future. Why go for security when there are risks you can take? Calculated or not, they are still risks aren't they? Isn't that Economics?

Maybe I am being rash. But I am getting bored of conformity. Why sit on something that brings you that far? Don't you want to go further? It's the fundamental human character and desire to go further. I am simply being human. Can I rent your thoughts on this one?

Now for family, nothing much. Other then the usual bantering and bickering, nothing interesting to report. But here's the thing, they are always central in my life. Regardless of the number of time I try to wall myself, I fail. Guess that's how it should be. The primary unit that makes me who and what I am.

Friends...am I social outcast? Don't get me wrong. It's not like I have no friends. I do but I don't seem to be spending ample time with them. I long to know more people but I realise this: I'd rather know a few people and be in close-knitted group then to know many and close to none. I've always thought I prefer the latter. Hahak...Guess taking time off does have its perks.

As for fate...well fuck it. Just suck it up and move on. It's not like you waste anything. Shit happens but Life is fair. Just tell yourself this: Life is fair. It's a good chant. Try it!

Now back to the topic. I have rent my thoughts in which you have paid with your time. Now it's your turn to do it to someone else. Probe someone a question and strike a conversation. It's not that hard.

Thank you for renting. Have a nice day.

Love ya'll

One more to the list

If I may add...correction, I will add another sub-category of the irritating-and-especially-singaporean-no-one-but-a-true-blue-singaporean-would-be-doing list.

-rushing to board the bus.

This may not affect you rich people who still cab albeit the hike in cab fares but to the commoner - like myself - who is still heavily dependent on the public transport to move around in this urban jungle city, it very much does. Hence, after a few gruelling seconds of heated debate, the above-mention quirk has been classified as a crime.

So please don't be caught by moi doing so or you'll suffer the pain-staken consequence of my bitching. =)

Another thing, Watch Sweetney Tod: the demon barber from/of (izzit from or of...uhm...) fleet street, if you're having plans of catching a movie. A traumatizingly awesomw show. Must watch, must watch one.