nightmares

for the past few nights i've been having nightmares.

from being in a horror movie to experiencing supernaturals myself (no, not the real ghosts, just the ones my mind created). but of all, i think last night was blog worthy.

i believe that dreams are our suppressed inner feelings that come out as images when we are most relax (sleeping). so when they surface, i don't usually brush them aside unless they're really ridiculous.

last night i dreamt i was really mad at this someone - who happen to be someone i know. i can't recall her face but i remember vividly that i saw her face when i was dreaming of her.

in the dream, i went insane. i was yelling at the top of my lungs and throwing things around (which is what i won't normally do!). the dream is set at a cafe by the way. and i was working at this cafe. i didn't throw anything else but knives, scissors, forks at her. making sure i'll hit her but purposely miss when i actually threw them.

the argument started when she went back on her words on me. she promised that i'll have a decent live if i work at this cafe that she owns. oh now i remember, she's the bully who always picks on me! so it was meant to be a truce or something.

but obviously she didn't stop lah. she humiliated me in front of everyone else time and again until finally that time, i snapped. i was raging mad so i charged at her, beating her so hard so that she'll feel the pain, so much pain. i remember having slammed her face to the door and pinning her down next to it while yelling and (practically) crushing her bones by sitting on her with my full body weight. and hitting her several times. mind you, i threw punches, not sissy slaps. yet all the time, she didn't fight back. it was as if she knew she had deserved it. strange ain't it?

now to what's happening in my life at this period.

i've been offered a job as a credit collector. my job is basically to call customers that they've to pay up. it pays $7/hr, 9 hours work each day for five days and four weeks each month, excluding the 10 hours of OT i must do each week (or so i was told). financially, the job pays more lah and it's also more stable. but i'm not enjoying the thought of it, more so about the work itself. so that goes to say that i'm not particularly interested in it or at all excited about the prospect.

i don't mind working in the theatre for 13 hours every weekend for free. when gilly offered me the job, i took it up immediately without any thinking twice.

but for this job...hmmph...you get what i'm trying to say?

so i guess, in my dream last night i was both person - the hitter and the one who got hit. although i enjoyed hitting her (almost to her death), she didn't seem to flinch or fight back or hurt for that matter. which is even more bizarre. naturally, this wouldn't be the case eventhough i'm the one "controlling" the dream.

anyhow, over-interpretation aside i think it was a sign or some sort: that i shouldn't let myself be bullied (this i know when my inner demon had to come out) or pressured into doing something which i don't want / dislike /adverse / hate / resent.

guess i'll be calling my agent and telling her i've changed my mind.... =(

...that is to say...

i'm 21. and this shouldn't be a worry or something of that sort but i really feel left out not being in a relationship before.

I KNOW! LIKE WTH AM I WORRYING OR SHOULD BE? it's not something major or what.

but here's the thing...i feel like it is. 

21: single, virgin, haven't drunk / smoke /getta tattoo, feel any sense of importance. man, i do feel pathetic. for having this feeling, and having the thought of having this feeling. like i got nothing better to do. or anything interesting to keep me company but to dwell on such menial stuffs. shux!

and now i think i'm childish. a man with a child's mind and child's thinking. maybe that is why i'm not making more friends than i can; they get put off by my stupidity and naivety. right?

this is not overthinking. this is just...considering (a thought).

one of the play in short and sweet is about alzheimer's. and it states that: keeping the mind and body active can and will help to prevent diseases. so i'm just keeping my mind busy with...thoughts.

maybe it's because they don't get me. or maybe that's too cliche / passe.

now i know why i couldn't make it to VS/RI/VJ/RJ/Law Fac/any elite schools. i'm way too dumb be a... a... manager even! hahak aka (that is to say) - not cut out for it.

i'm not that intelligent always = sometimes i'm not that smart = sometimes i am intelligent. so which one am i looking at (most of the time)? hmmph...

(to see that i'm even considering says something, right?)

and this is what i mean!!! i think what i think and write is something intelligent / adult-sounding but after re-reading, it's utter rubbish. *heres another one: i'm uttering rubbish! (AH! HELP ME. SAVE ME FROM ME!).

(i'm resisting the urge to change and rewrite what i've written but i won't cause i want to see it written down, and look at my mistake and...the restis history.)

at this point - i feel like a total idiot. *sobs and cries and wails.

haiks ruzaini, ruzaini...or (is it) zaini, zai, ruzai, nini, didi, ujai, zu, ruru, ruzini, ruzaiynie, ....

alone and lonely

i was telling liyana (griffiths) the other day when i went her place: i realised that at the age of 21, what we've always worked for is seen. like visible.

for yana, she likes business and teaching. and she's been doing both extensively. fatah got into mass comm and a scholarship as a cabin crew- two things which he really wanted. me: i've always loved theatre and look at where that has brought me - esplanade, touch the light boards, asm, know people. must say, i do feel lucky (remember about being jealous of others?). =)

i just come back from hafeez's birthday party. it was great and awesome. but i was slightly disappointed: i thought i was their friend but i was ignored most of the time. guess i'm still known as the clerk and not part of their gang (and here i stupidly thought i am). the bmc sgts all joked and talked around but i didn't feel like part of the group. it was quite embarrassing. guess i'm kinda done. i'm not as close to them as i thought i was.  uhm...so don't bother about trying. they won't care anyway. x|

and guess i know who my friends are; or rather the ones who feel that i matter as much as i do about them. i mean i do care for everyone i befriended. EVERYONE. yet, if they don't feel about it too, guess it's stupid to hope and try so hard. hahak.

smile and laugh it out ruz. smile and laugh it out. =)

oh ya. i'm in the craze for french music, french pop music! Frédéric Lerner. sexy and good taste in music (ok this is bias. it's more to my liking than the general public. ahahahahahak).

i mean after all live has to go on. be it what people think of you, thicken yourself, and move on la! hahak. just don't care as much as they don't care about me lor. i'm lonely and alone, i know. but suck it in boy and smile and laugh, smile and laugh.

people who matters to me and vice versa: my mum, siti, ayah, astri, liyana bar, hana, sufirah, ina, karyn, liyana griffiths.

and i'm giving up on dating. i'm no good. no one wants me. i feel weird when i'm dating / seeing someone. again, i'm lonely and alone. i've learn to smile and laugh even when my heart is wrenched and miserably languorous. and i can do it! just brush away the subject and smile and laugh. i have me. i have ME. I HAVE ME! I HAVE ME!!

and me will not go away. me is my alter ego who is just as lonely and alone. but when you put us together, there'll be no difference. there'll be no sense of filling of companionship. weird huh? but it's true. i guess maybe that is why i withdraw to myself most of the time. the only time i'm really empowered and feeling powerful is with astri / hana / yana / ina / karyn / any combination of the names listed and i'm on that stage as a performer. =)

a response from a blog entry

here's my response from reading a blog entry (http://thelatterdays.blogspot.com/2009/02/beyonce-possession-video-series.html and http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=90805407978&h=FhVDV&u=6R2-A&ref=mf) i got from nurul (ycp):

hey there.

ok i agree with you that beyonce / sasha uses greek mythology as part of her persona - in her music and to a certain extent, her life. i can clearly see that.

i am convinced by your argument, and fervent belief in what you think.

however, i am not buying it all. you get me?

greek mythlogy is an interesting subject to play around with. we see it in many great literary works and periods. but what makes it interesting can also cause people to read deeper into what is portaryed, sometimes too deep.

"sasha fierce was born when i did crazy in love" (sorry if i've misquoted). i think quite simply it means: people - the mass public - starts to identify and look at beyonce as an individual artist, as the person she's made out to be. after all, it's her first single. and it was huge. it caught our attention of this powerful woman.

yes there have been symbolisms and depictions to show this transference, but at the end of the day sasha fierce is just a persona of beyonce. a "someone" she created when she's working because people love and adore that someone. it's a character, and she's lending her body. it's acting. is acting a sin / vice / diabolical then?

however, that is not to say she's been possessed or something like that. she's new, she's fresh and she's a force to be reckon with. not a diabolical force or any demonic descent of that sort. just a force, as in the lay meaning of the phrase "force to be reckon with." simple.

and she said she puts on a persona - sasha fierce - when she's on stage. as a performer myself, i know what she's talking about. we put on a front to brave ourselves in front of the crowd. a psychological barrier that helps to harden ourselves as a means of protection from going crazy by all the energy the audience brings. that is not being possessed. i find that magical.

here's the ethereal part - the stage has the kind of special energy that even when you're really sick, when you get on that stage to perform you will perform as if you're alive and kicking.

it's not something demonic or diabolical because i don't feel that energy / force churning. and i believe that is what every performer (entertainers) feels. it's a good and positive energy that helps us do our job as an entertainer.

so while i admire your "beyonce literature", i do not buy them all.

new exciting fantsay world

what is real?

how do we decide what's real and what's not? i am not a pychology student nor a philosophy one. but i think i would like to say something about it.

facebook. it's now more real than before. it's present, current, "in". no one in a developed country will not have an account, or at least heard about it. the latest tech is twitter but since i don't have one and it seems to be a celebrity gadget as well, i shan't go in to there.

but my point is this: my so called "virtual life" has become very much part of my "real life"; in short i feel like i'm living in cyberspace as well.

so if i put two and two together, my life has gone virtual too. my entire life has been expanded and extended (since i won't "die" there).

is it good? some people have made their "virtual life" as their real and actual life - feeding, resting, playing and working their cyber persona. this character they made up is usually something more extraordinary than their real and actual life. which is a fair fantasy to play around with but i think it gets derogatory when they start to indulge in it. 

indulgence is a permissible sin when done occasionally, and for the sake of pleasure with no intentions of harm. on that note, going overboard and being obsessively absorbed into this new world so much that it starts to harm, i think a bold line should be drawn. there should be a stop to it.

perhaps it's the feeling such exciting place brings which makes people glued to it. however so, as capable and rational adults we know better. we ought to know the limits and stop before it gets worse.

yet, the fun such fantasies bring make them hard to delineate what's "real" and what's not.

i am, myself, becoming less capable of resisting such temptations. i find it necessary to log into my facebook account several times a day and check for any updates though they may not be any, or expecting any.

i fault myself for doing this because i'm showing signs of being "virtualised" (it's more than just having a virtual account: i am referring to the countless number of hours i would rather spend staring at the computer screen than to go out and live like a person should), hence i've to do something before more damges are done (if there have been considered as any already). i mean doing damage controlled is harder.

my solution: go out as often as i can with the people i meet in real life. and love life for what it brings; my REAL life that is, not the one i created online. =)

just a thought

this is just a thought.

i wonder what kind of boyfriend i'll be (this is just a guess and what i think. results may vary).

1. i will put him second to me.

2. if he cheats, i want him to tell me. we'll talk and i'll forgive (unless we're at the point where he shouldn't and i'll be fuming mad if he cheats).

3. i wouldn't want him to compromise on lots of things. not so much of a change(s), but add-ons.

4. be sincere, faithful and respectful of him (needlessly said, he to me).

5. (if i get one who travels) i don't mind his constant travelling, cause he has to. and if he has sudden and urgent needs to attend to, i'll allow. but he's to be doubled or tripled protected.

6. i think i might be me most of the time.

7. and i hope i don't second the people who've been there for me longer than he has.

ps: i've this feeling i might not get pass 30. and it's terrifying me.

kitty mccallister (walker)

do you know who kitty mccallister (walker) is?

she is one of the characters in brothers and sisters who is a writer and former radio host, talk back presenter and communications director; married to Robert McCallister, the sentor. 

i like her cause i think she's very intelligent. she's good with written language. i wannabe her. i am dreaming of (being someone like) her, again. which i can't i can't. cause that would mean i will be stressing myself unnecessarily again. and i took a great deal to get out of that. hahak.

confession (2)

i am jealous.

yes. i try to tell me myself that it's envy. or maybe it's more of envy than jealousy but i think i shouldn't lie. it's official. i am jealous.

i want a rich life. or something that money can buy. like holidays or schools.

if i go stansfield and do english, by the end of my course (2011) i have to pay back my loan. depending on which bank, most probably it's immediately after i graduate. but i want a more vibrant student life. i want to go on exchange. to me, it's the only time i get to go away from home for something fun and educational.

but this can only happen if i go to public universities. if it's smu/nus/ntu, i might not get to go (on such trips) because my parents can't afford. so maybe nie(?). i'll get allowance, cpf deduction, and fun on trips overseas. and since they offer drama as a major, i might just do that.

but am i doing the right thing? it's not about being practical or reasonable. am i being fair to myself? should i let myself be subjected to doing things i don't feel passionate for? i am passionate for drama, but not teaching. can i let myself go through such audacity?

i've made a promise to do what i like, and work hard for it. now i have to get back that drive and do what i feel is right. for myself. i only have myself at the end of the day (or at the end). so no matter what i do, i have to answer for them. and live through the consequences.

life is as inconsequential as i sometimes let it. so while i still can, i have to take action! and stick by it. i may not have the mind of hana's, or astri's maturity or yana's brains. but what i have is something different. and it's no less brilliant and beautiful. i may not see it with my eyes. it may not be visible to me, but i've got talent (this i know and very sure of). and it's my decision on how i want to make use of that gift.

so ruzaini, don't tell yourself how lucky people are. believe that you are just as lucky. and lucky people are grouped together. they come to one another naturally. lucky people are grouped together. smile. and embrace their luck. it's how you get your share of it. =)

and this is why i want to keep working, going out with friends, or having some activity. i have to keep my mind busy or i'll retract to this negative/sad/dishearten mood like everything around me is good and i'm having a miserable life. so i need to get back on my feet! and do something!

authors whom i like

so i haven't been writing for quite some time. partly, it's because i got nothing important to write. and also, i keep forgetting what i want to write (some of my ideas come when i'm not at home). anyhow, i think i should write this down.

i've been reading again. after watching the entire latest season of grey's anatomy and desperate housewives and uglt betty i find the time to read again. last week i couldn't because i was involved in anna karenina by the finnish national ballet. it was at esplanade theatre. PHUKING HELL I'VE MADE IT THERE! NOW TO WORK HARDER SO I CAN HAVE MORE STAGE TIME. damn it's one fine theatre!

i just finished "in the country of last things" by paul auster. and now reading another book by him called "the music of chance."

albeit its futuristic setting, "in the country of last things" is full of events that might probably happened to us city-dwellers if we were to continue living as we are now. it's a story told by anna blume who is a very witty and brave character who's left her home to look for her brother in the city. there isn't any name to this city but auster give us a clear image of devoured it is. there, people either kill themselves or live through the hardship.

there're the Leapers - people who voluntarily kill themselves by jumping off the roof because they can no longer withstand the hardship of extreme poverty. when they die, the Vultures - people who steal from the dead corpes of their belongings - and Scavengers - people who take the belongings of the dead and sell them for glots (their currency) will come, and their bodies will be collected by this other group of people who comes and collect them for burning fuel to generate power. imagine the backdrop of the story the pianist, starring academy-award winner adrien brody. that's pretty much it. and the story is told from the first person narrative in letter-writing form to give the personal relationship. i felt moved when i was reading it. i sympathised with anna but also myself. her world is fiction. ours is real. and she's saying what's real to her, as if to tell us that it's just as real to us. it's almost like a warning.

in the book, there is no form of rescue. any kind of help quickly diminishes as soon as it conjures - from the time she talked to bogat (her brother's employer who sent him to the city to report what's happening) to the wobourn house (that serves as a hospital for the wounded and the sick). they do not last. as soon as anna feels the comfort of such solace, it's taken away. it is as if auster is telling us that hope and faith no longer exists. this is in addition to the missing presence, or even existence, of a devine being. anna even said that she no longer believes in god. and the jews she met in the library said that they "talk to him, but they're not sure if He listen to them or not."

it's a good 21st century gothic novel (thank god i studied gothic for my a's).

as for "the music of chance", it's the story of jim nashe who just inherited his father's money when he passed away and now travelling around the united states aimlessly when he met jack pozzi, a 22 year old poker expert. nashe rescued pozzi one summer morning when pozzi was running away from a group of millionares who've been robbed by a bunch of black-suit men while playing poker. angry at their loss and believing that pozzi was responsible for the attack, they mobbed him but he managed to escape, wounded and hurt but alive. i'm at the part where pozzi was telling his story and nashe realised how similar their lives are. i've yet to read the end of the story.

but it got me thinking of the notion of frailed masculinity. the lack of father figure in a boy's life that led to his reckless living as he is growing up - both of them finished high school simply because their fathers made them promise to, both of them are going around their lives with no solid idea of what they want (gambling their way through - risking the chances they got), nashe left his daughter to his sister's care and he disappears into the states, and both never quite knew their father. "the father" disappears as soon as they're born and suddenly shows up at different points of their lives several years later. and the repetition of their fathers' mistake is their pathos. these men will fall - like their fathers - simply because they're behaving like their father. they are being the men they choose to hate, which in turn means they are hating themselves. and probably that's why they do not have a sense of direction. it's the acme of any man's fall.

i feel bad for them. and worse, i'm seeing it in myself. i am being like my dad, somehow, eventhough i resent him at times (cause of the things he does). and i try my very hardest not to but the fruit usually don't fall far from the tree. i have his genes. i have him running in me. maybe that's why i can't let go and run away. maybe this is every man's tragedy!

boy i sure am going absurdly far aren't i with this ludicrous and preposterous idea. but hey, i can use this as my usp essay (if i choose to apply to nus again next year).

but diary, i'm thinking of doing the english degree at stansfield. it's by uol. uol is good. but i don't know about the administration at stansfield. i'm just afraid it'll screw up a lot of things. already now i haven't gotten a reply from their marketing team about my fees and financial assitance queries. if they can't be efficient, how will i know the efficacy of my degree? plus, i don't know if the bank can approve the max loan. it's approx $28, 000 (i gauge the fees at unisim) but my dad can loan up to $16, 500; that's $12, 500 short! or should i wait for next year?

anyone there. please reply... o.o"

ps: the other authors whom i adore are margaret atwood and iris murdoch. now paul auster's joining the list. =)