I (need) help

Haiks..I don't know what have I done. I'm such a drama king/queen/whatever. It's like ridiculous lah. But I don't know why I do it also.

This is the problem actually:

I like to spin drama in my life. And then pretend like I'm the lead in this show who got all these emotional crap thrown at him and then how he seeks sympathy from people close to him.

Repugnant? Totally! Unnatural? Exactly! Sick? Absolutely!

How? You mean my life so boring one meh that I have to make a drama out of it? Or is it because I cannot get roles like that I'm making my own? Can also what. I mean, logical kan?

See lah...that's what happened when you're not handsome and have a good bod and you like to act. You make drama out of nothing, kinda like Shakespeare.

Wait! OMG! Am I the new Shakespeare?

- Oh boy...here comes me dreaming again...enough lah. You're not fucking Shakespeare. Can stop dreaming so big can or not? - okay.

But if I don't dream and make drama, how to write good drama stories right? I mean I need material. And where better to get them from own experience. So that means I can spin drama lah.

But if you cannot write properly, what's the point?

Well, at least I got material. I can start somewhere. Suchen-Christine Lim took 3 years writing and re-writing the awared winning The Souls God Forsake. That shows it's possible. I just have to keep refining it.

Whatever you say lah Ruzaini...

Oh ya. One more thing. Should we be given the ability to change our history?

Well of course! That will be great. So many people would want that to happen. So yeah, we should be given that ability.

Like Hiro?

Yeah! Like Hiro! Yaa-tah!

But why?

Why, why?

If we get the chance to change history, we wouldn't see and go through what we have come across. Isn't that bad?

(saying it Ellen's way) What? What nonsense. Eh mat kental (geek), can wake up and smell the air or not?

Don't you like what you've seen and gone through?

Nah. No, not really.

Are they all that bad?

...not all lah. Some.

So some are good?

Uh huh.

But what if you go back in time and change your past which cause your future to be more miserable than it already is?

Wah! You so pessimistic one meh? Can also be better what? Stupid!

"Can also be better." Not necessarily better.

So?

Maybe we should not change what has happened. There must be a reason why we cannot change our past?

Oh yeah? And what's that?

What's that?

I'm talking to myself again...God I must be crazy... :\

Love ya'll

The song that I'd like to dance to

And also sing (gosh someone teach me how to)

JANET JACKSON LYRICS

"Doesn't Really Matter"

Hmm, he-he
Oh, hey
Doesn't matter (It doesn't matter)
Doesn't matter at all

Doesn't matter what your friends are telling you
Doesn't matter what my family's saying too
It just matters that I'm in love with you
It only matters that you love me too

It doesn't matter if they won't accept you
I'm accepting of you and the things you do
Just as long as it's you
Nobody but you, baby, baby

My love for you, unconditional love too
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that it¡­

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

(You're so kind)
Just what I asked for, you're so loving and kind
(And you're mine)
And I can't believe you're mine

Doesn't matter if you're feeling insecure
Doesn't matter if you're feeling so unsure
Cause I'll take away the doubt within your heart
And show that my love will never hurt or harm

Doesn't matter what the pain we go through
Doesn't matter if the money's gone too
Just as long as I'm with you
Nobody but you, baby, baby

You're love for me, unconditional I see
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that it¡­

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

(You're so kind)
Just what I asked for, you're so loving and kind
(And you're mine)
And I can't believe you're mine

Doesn't matter what they say
Cause you know I'm gonna love you anyway
Doesn't matter what they do
Cause my love will always be with you

My love for you unconditional love too
Gotta get up, get up
Get up, get up, get up and show you that
My love is true, and it's just for you, uh

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're in love with me

Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
Cause I'm in love with the inner being
And it doesn't really matter what they believe
What matters to me is you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you love me to
And nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
I can't believe my dreams come true
(He-he)
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me
Nutty-nutty-nutty my love for you
(I'm always doing that!)
I can't believe my dreams come true
I've finally found somebody whose heart is true
And best of all you're nutty-nutty-nutty for me

I don't know what to do

Sometimes you make a mistake and you don't know how to wriggle your way out of it. So what you do is to be invisible - make yourself scarce and unknown. The less likely to be seen, the better.

I guess that is what I'm trying to do. But I feel like I'm in deep shit so I don't know what to do. Should I let the matter be as it is or pursue it? If I pursue it, it might get messier (as if it's not messy enough).

Grrr...I don't know what to do. Perhaps I should play the game of hide-and-seek.

Or not wake up at all. Let the thing fleet around somewhere somewhere...

Love ya'll

Theatrically speaking

Had Young Co. just now with Sue and 5 other people (instead of 10+ more). It was good. A good session. So far, all my Young Co. sessions have been fun.

I learn what it's like becoming and being an actor. And acting is no easy thing. You think some actors are acting? Well they are "acting" all right. If I had a better looking face and body, I'll be a celebrity in Singapore by now (or least till after my NS). Sorry but I have to say that. I'm mad at the public supporting some of our (supposed) local actors, on screen especially. Wake up and watch true theatre and excellent screen acting, and then you'd know. =)

Haiks...I have another confession to make. Because theatre acting has been a huge part of my life, it's been theatre-ed somehow, inevitably. My own character is always filled with theatrics. Explains the over the top behaviour sometimes? Yeah. It's all the theatre acting. It's now become part of me. And I can't shake it off.

So I'm sorry if I show it too loudly. It's hard to hide behind the highly theatre-ed me. The theatrics hides nothing. Instead, almost everything I do gets magnified and exaggerated. So I'm sorry if I appear as a drama queen/king. I can't help it. It's too well embedded in me. I'm theatrical by nature now.

Which sadly isn't a good thing because that means people don't think I'm actually acting on stage. Even I find it so. So how to I make my acting believable? I don't know. I'm only 20. i've a lot to learn.

Love ya'll

Asleep

I just wanna go back to sleep and not ever wake up.

Burning in me is a flame that refuse to die out. I'm slowly burning from the inside out. One day, haha, I will be on flame. And I don't know if that's a good thing.

Perhaps it'll be a new beginning? Perhaps it'll be a new end? Or will I be gone and not found? Uhm...

It's not a good thought to entertain huh?

Love ya'll

Family

Mary J Blige sings happy song about Family Affairs but I think sometimes it's everything but. Unlike some people I am not close to my family, but doesn't mean we're apart. We don't eat together. Spend time together as a family like going to the beach or simply having a picnic over the weekends. Maybe I have myself to blame for that. I chose to drift away from them. And I think it's for a good reason.

Would you still want to acquaint yourself to people who are unsupportive of the things you do and more, of who you are? I've not told them about me because I find it pointless. Furthermore, they'll flip and maybe disown me. Well I may never know but the fear if enough to put off thoughts of exposing myself. It's frightening enough.

You see the things I do now I keep my family in the dark. I told Kent most of it. I think probably he knows most about me. That's because unlike him, they would brush off the idea. Especially my dad. He's always condemning - there's no better word for it - my brother and I of the things we would like to do. Words like "idiot", "stupid", "waste of time", "ridiculous" are among the unplesant words he would utter to us. Compliments? As far as I could recall, he's never said them. Or maybe he has but because it's been a long time since it seems immaterial now. But it doesn't matter. My brother and I are old enough to take care of myself. Let my youngest sister have all his attention and care.

It's fine with me that he compliments her a lot, and pays more attention to her because that means she'll have a better childhood and later life compared to my brother and I. And as the eldest child, you just wanna see your younger siblings be better than you. Just like how our parents want us to be better than them. So I'm happy for her.

I stay in camp for reasons like these: I want my space, I wanna get away from my family, I wanna prove to my parents that I can be independent, and, especially this, I am not worthless. Are these selfish reasons? My mother thinks so which is why she disapproves me of staying over in camp. But I couldn't care less. It's my life now. I think it's time I have control of my life.

And my dad? Well he's okay with it. He knows. He was once a young man. So I appreciate his understanding.

Before I continue, please bear in mind that I do not loathe my family. Neither do I dislike them. I simply want to tell them, indirectly, that I am not leeching off them and to leave me alone. If you're not supportive of what I did and gonna do, then leave me alone to do them. I don't need your help anymore. I can carry on on my own. You've unnecessarily baggaged me enough. Let me succeed and fall on my own. Isn't that what you're pushing me to do?

I'm only close to my brother. And that was because I have to. There was a period of them when he was seriously troubled, and getting into serious trouble. And my mum was practically losing her mind. My dad indulges in work to get away from all these. And my sister, she's just lost and pained in the mess. I drifted away as well. But realised that my mum was flailing so I decide to help. Thank goodness things got back to normal. And now, I'm detaching myself once more. But still close to my brother. But he doesn't know much about me. Neither do I know much about him. But we definitely know more about each other than our parents do about us. And it pains my mum. I see it in her eyes. But unless some things change, I don think my and brother and I are gonna. I've done enough to make things better. But none are appreciated.

I envy those people with good parents. From what I see, they grow up becoming more sucessful and happier people. I wish my family is like that. Maybe when I have a family on my own, I can have my fantasy family. But till then, I'm working hard for it.

A friend of mine told me that he feels like he's got no family. They're physically living together but not together. And it saddens him. I know what you're saying man.

What's the root of the problem actually? Is it the conomy? A natural by-product of modernisation? Fate? A psychological problem? Whatever it is, it's insidious alright.

Right now I feel empty; almost literally. I feel so empty. As if my whole body is a vacuum, and my life is a facade. A smile in front hiding the drooping frown underneathe. It really feels so empty. I've never felt so empty before. Even with all the fun activities I were to do, I still find my life uneventful. I feel like sleeping and not waking up. It's like I find no reason and purpose to wake up.

Why am I waking up everyday?

Love ya'll

Unexplained propensity

It's the controversy again: world champion athlete withdrawing from the Olympics, schools closing down due to pandemic, celebrity taking obscene photos, incompetent leader wins election, etc. It's never ending, is it?

Can we really forgive?
Can the bad be good?
Can I say something and be pardonned?
Can second chances be given?
Can the chapter be written and the book closed?
Can someone vouch for some things?
Can the rain stop falling?
Can every moment don't weigh heavily down on us?
Can we don't talk so much?
Can we not utter a word?
Can the end be over?
Can the loop not rope anymore lives?
Can pretty be ugly?
Can I come home?
Can I feel love(d)?
Can vultures hunt?
Can sadness be the new happiness?
Can the grey clouds go away?
Can the eyes not be fogged?
Can I sleep forever?
Can I not wake up?
Can hatred stop killing people?
Can hope?
Can faith be false?
Can god be imagined?
Can the hated be adored?
Can a broken heart be mended?
Can language stay faithful?
Can there be wrong?
Can there be right?
Can the wronged be right?
Can the right be wronged?
Can the open wound heal?
Can the healed wound open?
Can there be no buts?
Can they understand?
Can regrets be collected?
Can beauty be grotesque?
Can I make it over?
Can I make it stop?
Can I not feel scared?
Can the remains decompose?
Can I stop living?
Can I stop breathing?
Can time stop?
Can the heart beats no more?
Can I not remember?
Can a curse be a blessing?
Can power conquers all?
Can I have you?
Can everything be stripped bare?
Can there be no judgement?
Can doctrines cease to exist?
Can heroes live forever?
Can I not feel troubled and uneasy?
Can it be better?
Can better be an option?
Can an option be better?
Can the dust settle?
Can art mock life?
Can stupidity not be foolish?
Can the mind capture everything?
Can things exist in a vacuum?
Can the mind be a vacuum?
Can there be an answer?

I have nun.

Love ya'll

Unhappy

It's not been a good week for me. Not that things aren't good but I'm feeling melancholic. And to a large extent, sorry.

It's remorseful. I love my friend. And I wannabe there for him. But he's not ready to let anything go. It's painful seeing your friend in pain, right? He doesn't need to say or do anything. You're so close to him that even you can feel it. I don't know who else would feel the same. He aint me. I really show what I'm feeling. Although an actor, the time when people know I'm not acting is when I show my true colours and self. It's the time when I don't have to hide or feign anything. It's the time I can be me. It's a thing I develop. Another persona.

This friend of mine hides all. He's been through so much that his facade is really good. He might have talked about it to his other frineds. Or colleagues. Or his brother. But I don't know how much of it he talks to them. And I don't wanna bother also. What I care is how well he is. And from the looks of it, he ain't doing too well.

Friend, if you're reading this, don't feel bad for me. And don't you dare feel sorry that I have to bear this baggage with you. It's not your fault. Don't you dare feel like you're burdening me. We're in this together. I'm with you. For as long as it'll take. And don't you hide anything from me bro. Just don't, okay? Just don't.

We're pratically the same person now. So forget about feeling bad that you dragged me into this. Remember the ridiculous equation we made up? It's not that ridiculous now, is it?

Stop saying sorry. Do you know how frustrating it is? You can try to hide it all from me. But it's written all over you. And you can't hide it. I've seen through you. I saw what you've been through. It's no different now. Please.

Love ya'll

Frent

I'm mad at someone. Fucking mad. Well irritated actually. Fucking irritated. Ah!

Would you be mad at a friend who doesn't reply to your smses (and you know s/he is the kind that doesn't reply to smses often)? Or would you say,"It's ok. I know you're busy." Or even think that s/he would expect you, of all people, to understand s/he most?

What would you do? How would you react? Would you confront? Or maybe act to play the same game some time later? Or just let it pass (your friendship matters most)? I'm up for all of the above. The sooner I can get to it, the better. Revenge is sweet. My heart is black. It's stoned.

But wouldn't that be unreasonable? Like really. That poor fella is trying his hardest to breathe under the pile of stress and here you are fucking him about not spending time with you? In retrospect, it's not like he's like this all the time.

But I wait for him all the time. For him to finish his work, till late sometimes, before going home. I mean I don't have to. I'm not his boyfriend. And neither is he mine. We're just close buddies. He did say I didn't have to wait for him. Or stay in with him. But I won't listen. I want to cause I simply want. So if anything bad were to happen, it's me I blame. Not him.

But his boss would send him home if I don't wait. If I do, then he'll send us both in his car to a bus stop where the two of us can take the same bus home. I am grateful for his help. It's very kind of him. And in his car I'll watch them both joke around with each other, like father and son. It's really endearing, and touching. I enjoy watching them building the chemistry. However now I realise I'm like an outsider - as if I'm disturbing a father and son bonding session. Indirectly, I feel chided. And I don't blame them. It's their time. I mean I accepted the offer. I could have declined. Maybe I should have.

I should have.

Of course it's not said that my presence in the car is unwelcomed but the strong bonding (man, now it reminds me of chemistry all over again) had an effect on me. I really do feel out of place. Like the outsider who tries to be part of a family, but simply cannot be welcomed, like the creature in Frankenstein.

Talking about him, man right now I do feel like I'm the creature. My grotesque-like demeanor (in my opinion it's so) and unhandsome appearance, a total contrast to this friend of mine here all the more makes me feel like the creature. I do feel disgusting. One, for being angry at and jealous of my friend when I'm clearly not in a place and, to needless to say, entitled to. And also possessive of his time, wanting more of his attention than what he's already given. It's his time. He gets to decide how much time he wants to spend with who. For me to say he should have spent on me would be unscrupulous. It's despicable. I'm despicable. That's why I feel like the creature. I know how it feels like.

Innocuous as his intentions may be, he's hurting me by keeping quiet and making me feel that I've been pushed aside. It gets irritating when what you've waited for doesn't come, right? I mean if I mean a lot to him as a friend, then he should take care of my feelings. This is not about whether I would yearn for him to be my boyfriend or something along that line. Or whether or not he's considered as a boyfriend or me deluding myself that is mine. No. It's about friendship. And about caring for the people whom you care for. It's one of the basic rules of forming relationship with people. It's about treating a person. About how a person should treat another. About the goodness and respect you share with each other. It's about the effort you make to keep the ties you formed strong. It's about our closely-knit friendship. Unless I am stupid enough to believe we're close buddies when in truth we're just friends (aka colleagues, acquaintance, and not confidantes) I think I deserve an apology. What do you think?

But I doubt he'll give. Knowing him, he's like any other guy: less sensible, sensitive, caring. Just moving along with the ebb of time, and moving on. No sorry. No sentimental moments. No sympathy, or empathy. Nothing. Maybe just a treat (which I should be grateful for though passe) and that's it. It's a guy thing. Sadly, something I don't get. That's it, case close, a new chapter opens. =)

Phuking hell. Sometimes I feel like a friend for rent. Maybe it's just my more effiminate psyche or the little more astrogen in my body (which I believe is one of the main reason why I'm like this) that's making me so melodramatic and all. Maybe I should straighten things up a lil. Ya. Maybe I should. If not I'll drop (dead but still looking gorgeous). If I continue to lean on still, I'll soon fall out of place (not that I already am not). Gosh! Phuking hell. Help!

Love ya'll