you are dead. you are gone. you left me here, all alone. to be by myself. to be with me. i didn't know what to do and what to think. i didn't know what happened. you didn't tell me and you didn't say anything. what was i to do? what was i to think? who was i to be?
you were all i had. you were my strength, my power, my life. you were everything to me. you meant everything to me. you were here with me and i love you and let out a prayer to not let you be away. to let let us part from each other. to be with one another. i love you. and that's all that matters.
you were whom i thought about when i was down. you were whom i have faith in. you were whom i know who i am. you were whom i care. you were part of me. you were me.
what am i to do now? what am i suppose to think now? who should i believe? who should i think about?
i am lost without you. i am broken without you. i despise the thought of losing you. i felt i am gone. i felt i am lost. i am without direction and thought. my faith has dissolved. i'm solvent to the enormity of circumstance that has befallen my gratuitous self.
why did you do this to me? why did you bring me into your life and then drop me off? like i'm thrash. why did you get to know me and love me only to sword through my heart. why did you want to hurt me?
i hate you! i hate you for being part of my life. i hate you for making me part of you. i hate you for creating 'us'.
go! just go away amd don't come back. don't haunt me with our memories. don't haunt me in my sleep. don't think about me anymore. just go. go!
doink!
(the following is written hours later. it's now 12am)
"I've read it is as difficult as Oxbridge but it has a great rep so will be worth the slog"
i chanced on this while doing my research. it's from: http://www.traineesolicitor.co.uk/forums/undergraduate-discussion/3609-llb-university-london-external-system.html
it excites me more, and i'm more psyched to do the llb. but a couple of things came to mind:
1. this was a subjective view, meaning oxbrigde (as well as the uk universities law programme) standard maybe higher.
2. this is comforting, as it shows how difficult the course is (or can be) and that i might not lose out to my competition from oxbridge. (see the nullification?)
3. it's more about me and how i want to succeed. i've gone through 'O' and 'A' level and from my results i can gauge just about where i am at. so it means i have nothing to fret. now that i have more time, and i'm in control of it, i should be wise enough to decide on to do and how to do it better. i don't have a "rigid" school curriculum and activities to take up my time; i have as much time as i want to dedicate to my learning.
*4. of course i do not have the privilege of training for presentation, learning a new language(s), communication skills, research, internship, formal meetings with the bigs boys and girls, relevant and important contacts (before graduating), workforce exposure(?) and day-to-day schooling (which was responsible for my discipline back in school). this might put me at a (huge) disadvantage. so i have to carefully consider. (ruzaini, refer to point 3)
5. and i cannot grow complacent and believe those not in the course are inferior than i am. we differ only in the knowledge we decide to pursue. etiqutte, attitude, aptitude and the way we work (i.e. how) don't differ that much and it is these qualities that determine my own success. our success. so i shouldn't look down on people. instead, i appeal to them to be on the same page and standard as i am, or slightly lower.
6. regarding finding a job, the skills i grilled myself to acquire would do me fine! i may not have the specific or technical knowledge but having a law degree will put me on a relatively safe ground. i need to prove to myself, and them, that i can work and i deserve the best. it'll earn me respect and confidence. and in the long run, i wouldn't ask for more.
7. since i am mentally prepared, i shouldn't have doubts. it will only falter my determination. i need to stop looking at the: "what if i had done this..." or "what if i did this..." or "should i take this up instead..." it will only bring me no where. (i'm kinda proud to say that i am gradually teaching myself how to think like a lawyer: "i think, therefore i am".)
it's an investment. and i have to play rough if i want good returns. yes?
it hasn't been very nice for me (either). and like one of his patients, it seems that i've been influenced into becoming who i am today. i've made myself a guard and i've been putting it on since. it's an unconscious effort. i only see the final product. but it's all a result of my infantile experience. my childhood and growing up facing the adversities has "toughened" me up by taking away and hiding the vulnerability and creating in its place something more hostile and to cover that up it creates a character resistance that opposes it.
"the passive feminine characetr is an example of a third type of armouring. on the surface, he appears to have an acquiescent and mild disposition, but in analysis we get to know it as an armouring that is difficult to dissolve." (wilhelm reich)
it's complex and deeply multi-layered in the unconscious mind. in short, i'm lost within myself and that's what been making it hard for me to stand firm my ground.
i think sex talk make us feel naked, and undesirable; who wants to appear naked in public?
but whatever it is, if i see a vampire as hot as brad pitt (was), i'll surrender myself.
you see, i see the image as form of approval for us to indulge in sin and not feel guilty. we simply think about it, let it out and we watch it. as if we're a medium for all this sex, and we don't actively participate in the process.
well, we did. but watching it is passive. it's less wrong, but twice as fun. just like porn.
our health is based on our sexual gratification (freud). so as long as we feel sexually satisfied, active or passive, we're happy (studies have shown that it's the same ecstacy).
and i'm so gay about it!
if everyone has something they're good at, then i think i know mine: i'm good at creating drama.
but is this ok?
1. ryan reynolds
2. enriques iglesias
3. hugh jackman
4. simon baker
5. jonathan rys meyer
why i love is because it makes me happy.
she is my support. she makes me strong and she makes me happy. she made happy strong me. i am happy she is strong for me.
well, i'm happy and strong because she is happy and strong. a happy and strong me make a confident and sexy me. and confident and sexy me mean believing in and being who i am.
she doesn't need to know everything because she already does i reckon. i don't need to tell her. i think she knows i know. i know she doesn't know i know. i know she knows. we both know. but we don't tell each other.
(from http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes3.asp)
ENFP
(Strength of the preferences % )
Extraverted 22%
Intuitive 50%
Feeling 50%
Perceiving 22%
Qualitative analysis of your type formula
You are:
-slightly expressed extravert
-moderately expressed intuitive personality
-moderately expressed feeling personality
-slightly expressed perceiving personality
(the following was taken from http://keirsey.com/personalityzone/wz21.asp)
Idealist: Portrait of the Champion (ENFP)
Like the other Idealists, Champions are rather rare, say two or three percent of the population, but even more than the others they consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life. Champions have a wide range and variety of emotions, and great passion for novelty. They see life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil, and they want to experience all the meaningful events and fascinating people in the world. The most outgoing of the Idealists, Champions often can't wait to tell others of their extraordinary experiences. Champions can be tireless in talking with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out. And usually this is not simple storytelling; Champions often speak (or write) in the hope of revealing some truth about human experience, or of motivating others with their powerful convictions. Their strong drive to speak out on issues and events, along with their boundless enthusiasm and natural talent with language, makes them the most vivacious and inspiring of all the types.
Fiercely individualistic, Champions strive toward a kind of personal authenticity, and this intention always to be themselves is usually quite attractive to others. At the same time, Champions have outstanding intuitive powers and can tell what is going on inside of others, reading hidden emotions and giving special significance to words or actions. In fact, Champions are constantly scanning the social environment, and no intriguing character or silent motive is likely to escape their attention. Far more than the other Idealists, Champions are keen and probing observers of the people around them, and are capable of intense concentration on another individual. Their attention is rarely passive or casual. On the contrary, Champions tend to be extra sensitive and alert, always ready for emergencies, always on the lookout for what's possible.
Champions are good with people and usually have a wide range of personal relationships. They are warm and full of energy with their friends. They are likable and at ease with colleagues, and handle their employees or students with great skill. They are good in public and on the telephone, and are so spontaneous and dramatic that others love to be in their company. Champions are positive, exuberant people, and often their confidence in the goodness of life and of human nature makes good things happen.
Joan Baez, Phil Donahue, Paul Robeson, Bill Moyer, Elizibeth Cady Stanton, Joeseph Campbell, Edith Wharton, Sargent Shriver, Charles Dickens, and Upton Sinclair are examples of Idealist Champions
Careers
People naturally confide in the Champion (ENFP). That's why they make such good mediators, counselors, teachers, consultants, and reporters. Any position that outreaches to others can fit the Champion. They can be columnists, journalists, publicists, copy writers, advertising account executives. In the arts they can be character actors, cartoonists, art educators. If they choose jobs such as restaurateur, be sure that their business sites will be unique and designed for a particular type of customer. Don't be surprised to see them as an inventor. This type of personality wants to experience the whole of life and may change careers more often than many other types. Says Charles, "I've had a number of jobs and when there is nothing left to create, I move to something new. I want my life to be spiced with newness, love, and joy."
Example:
Journalist/Reporter
Psychology
Counseling
Fitness & Nutrition
Recreation Specialist
Social Work
Education
Art
Musician
Acting and Performances
Literature/Writer
Film Producer
Management
Public Relations Specialist
Marketing
Fashion Merchandising
Famous people of your particular type
Mark Twain, Bill Cosby, Oprah Winfrey, Betty Friedan
Dealing with Stress from Work: Idealists Out of Balance
The Champion is usually a bundle of energy, but they can become exhausted if they are overloaded with work. They also will experience stress if their values and principles are violated and they see others in the company being hurt by policies that kill the human spirit. Then they become hypersensitive to what is going on around them. Facts become exaggerated. They have feelings of paranoia and may withdraw. To regain their equilibrium, meditation will help. Kindness and support by others, but not patronization, will help them get back to normal. Says Gloria, “I’d given a number of years of support to one boss, then he started bad-mouthing me. It threw me into a turmoil. I became suspicious of him and everyone else. Then a friend said that the boss was blowing up at everyone, not just me, and encouraged me to look at a position in a new section. I meditated to become centered again, then applied for the job. I love my new job and now life is great again. My old boss retired; he was drinking too much.”
Men and Romance
Part 3: Idealist Men
By Dr. Lovegood
Idealist men find it relatively easy to express tender feelings, sympathize with others, and have female friends. Some even enjoy shopping. Many women find this intensely appealing while others view them as effeminate (or gay, like me!).
Idealist men are the most likely to provide romantic dates, an empathetic listening ear, and kindness. Women are likely to appreciate their ability to simply listen without trying to solve problems although they are likely to need to share the stage with the Idealist man who also wants to be heard. Along with sensitivity, Idealists are the most likely type of man to be moody, responding to the moods of those around them.
He never lacks for female companionship. Women seek him out because he's cheerful and believes in them. P.J. has his tendency has been to have very intense relationships which burn out quickly. He's decided that it's probably best to date casually to avoid flash-in-the-pan romances. P.J. figures he'll eventually settle down and have a family but, for now, he enjoys the experience of femininity in many different forms.
Love the One You're With: Tips for Idealists with Non-Idealist Partners
Most of us end up in a relationship with a partner of a different temperament than ourselves. This is due both to statistics (Idealists make up no more than 15-20% of the population), and to our own temperament - we often look for people that bring new interests and excitement to our lives, and this means people that approach life differently than ourselves. As an Idealist, your partner may be another Idealist, but odds are they are an Artisan, Guardian, or a Rational. Here are a few pointers on taking the differences between you and your partner into account, and making the most of them in your quest for relationship bliss.
Rationals can be the most complementary temperament to Idealists. Idealist/Rational pairings can be highly satisfying relationships based on exploring the world of ideas. Imagining possibilities - whether romantic or pragmatic - and creating dreams for the future can represent the epitome of quality time for this pair. Idealists are often initially drawn by the intellectual gymnastics of their Rational partners. Rationals can be fascinated by Idealists' sensitivity and empathy for others.
If you partner is a Rational:
Rationals love to be seen as experts and approached for advice. They rarely lose enthusiasm for talking about their ideas for building and improving systems. If you have an interest, or at least enough knowledge to talk intelligently with them, in their areas of expertise, your relationship has a solid footing.
Help your Rational partner to be romantic. Of all the temperaments, they are the least sentimental, so marking important dates (such as birthdays, anniversaries, etc) on calendars where they will not miss them will help keep them from letting you down on these occasions. Even though it is often hidden, Rationals do have a romantic streak - they just need your help uncovering it.
Remember that your Rational partner is very utilitarian, and will often not even consider people's feelings when making decisions. Try not to take it personally if it is your feelings that weren't considered, but do discuss it with him or her in a non-judgmental way. Rationals are usually good about revisiting decisions based on new data, and your feelings are part of this.
Idealists and Guardians often make good pairs. Idealists can appreciate the Guardians' practicality and ability to deal with day-to-day matters that may interrupt the Idealists' dreams for the future. Guardians may appreciate the Idealists' sensitivity for others and their deep interest in their partner's success. Guardians are the most traditional partners - they'll remember birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions that are important to you, but their "traditional" behavior may seem at times to you like stubbornness and inflexibility.
If your partner is a Guardian:
Be sensitive to their need to plan ahead, schedule themselves, and be on time. Time can be secondary to you behind attending to relationships, but if you told your Guardian partner you'd be somewhere at a specific time, it is important to them that you meet that commitment.
Gifts are meaningful to your Guardian partner, but the amount of money spent is very important. It needs to be enough to show that they are valued highly but not so much that they feel resources are being wasted.
To make a special or romantic occasion, plan things out in advance, taking care of all the details. Don't try to surprise your partner - let them know the plans in advance. Knowing that everything is already taken care of, they can relax and enjoy your time together.
Artisans may be the most opposite of the other temperaments to Idealists. While you are abstract in your communication and cooperative in your actions, Artisans live in the here and now, and are more concerned with results than following rules or smoothing peoples' feelings. Idealists are often initially drawn to Artisans because of their zest for life, spontaneity, sensuality, and sense of being in the present. Artisans can be drawn to Idealists by their sensitivity, empathy for others, and sincere interest in other' success. On the other hand, the Artisans' disinterest in exploring and discussing their own, and your, inner lives can leave Idealists feeling unfulfilled.
If your partner is an Artisan:
Enjoy the here and now. Artisans live for the day - Carpe diem! Artisans will bring out the best in your own sense of adventure, so have fun. Just remember, the Artisan is in the moment - you may assign more meaning and sentimentality to spontaneous events than they do.
Develop your own set of Idealist friends with whom you can discuss and examine deep feelings. Your Artisan partner has much less need for this type of analysis, and may grow restless with too much of it. Artisans are concrete, preferring to talk about things that have immediate importance, not the "what could be" that you like to explore.
Don't let your need for harmony cause you to always be the diplomatic partner who simply goes along with your partner's preferences when you have other desires. Artisans' natural mode is to "go for it", and you may often just go along rather than challenge them for fear of confrontation. Don't worry about it - challenge and negotiation are also part of their natural mode. Stay true to yourself, and make sure your needs are known - you'll both appreciate the outcome more.
If your partner really were just like you, life would be very boring indeed. So, celebrate the differences that add spice, understand the ones that would otherwise frustrate you, and let your relationship thrive. Vive la difference!
Maximizing Your Study Environment
Pt.3: Idealists - Study Where The Heart Is
Idealists are the most variable in their needs for a study environment. However, one thing that can strongly affect their ability to study is the emotional temperature around them, even if it doesn't directly include them. Idealists find that a positive aura has a synergistic effect on their work output.
Champions (ENFP) need a study environment that is stimulating. They have a very difficult time working alone and quietly. They work best when their ideas bounce off someone else. Paul studied and studied for his psychology mid-term. It didn't seem to help. Then he went to a study session. As he started talking and getting feedback, he was amazed at how much he actually knew. He aced the exam.
Capitalizing on Your Intelligence Style
Part 3: Idealists' Diplomatic Intelligence
By The College Advisor
Idealists want a dream job and the best matches fitting their type of intelligence and skills. Possessing natural diplomatic intelligence, they empathize with others, communicate in a global language that allows others to add their own meanings, and seek harmony with all.
Champions (ENFPs) have inspirational diplomatic intelligence. Champions use interactions with others to gain new insights and spot deeper issues for both individuals and groups. They use words to paint pictures to inspire others to meet new challenges and go beyond that which is easy.
Kirby has been studying Kinesiology and Health Promotion. He'd like to travel to Third World Countries to improve health conditions. "I hate to see people suffering because of poor sanitation and ignorance about healthy ways of living. When I graduate, I'll be associated with a missionary group that provides medical assistance and health information." If you're a Champion, how does your major help develop inspirational diplomatic intelligence?
qoute from joe butt: "ENFPs are strongly influenced by the opinions of their friends."(http://typelogic.com/enfp.html)
ok...
turns out, my plan won't work!
i don't have enough to do everything and still graduate a semester earlier! OH SHUX!
so either i take more mods and graduate later or matriculate straight to nus.
option 1
exemptions allowed for up to 1) 8MCs (1 gen ed + 1 breadth), 2) 12MCs (3 mods) of UE and 3) 20MCs programme requirement. i.e. 20MCs! ( i know. wtf, right?)
option 2
apply to fass. or apply to civil engine then transfer to fass. =(
i did some calculations last night to see if its worth going poly and find out that i won't have enough MCs to do the other mods unless i stay longer (i.e. it'll be the same as going uni straight)!
man! i hate this dilemma. on one hand, i wanna try out my luck in poly before going uni. on the other, i wanna do so many things in uni which i can't cause of the credit exemptions.
i was very sure i wanted to go poly two weeks ago. now, i'm not.
pissed, disappointed, confused.
i had my reasons. they were:
1) i was looking for an alternative route for my education
2) i like being part of the poly culture
3) i don't wannabe caught in the same rat race as the "JC kids" ("poly kids" are more laid back but they still produce results)
4) i got a diploma in business
5) which allows me to do sth that i like in uni (philo/tsd/lit/e lang/eu studies/pol sci)
but the reason that negates them all
*6) i suddenly don't have a good feeling about going poly
i want to create opportunities for myself. i want to grow as a person and a performer. so i thought that maybe taking the longer and less travelled by route will give me some satisfaction. OBVIOUSLY, NOT!
i like the mods offer at np biz school. i getta do a lil bit of marketing, pr, advertising and business admin. yet i'm having doubts if i should do this. why?
rant, rant, rant, rant, rant..
well actually, i haven't got anything interesting to say. just wanted to blog cause i miss you. hadn't been here since 7th sept 09!
since i don't have anything to say, why not i write down my plans? =)
i plan to go np and do biz studies with a marketing communication option. in my last sem i'll apply to nus and do philo and tsd. yeah i know i'm not the best person here with the impeccable command of language. that's why i am going to work hard and do an hons in either one of them. maybe even minor in one and use my remaining mods to do a few langauge mods. awesome right? sounds like a plan to me!
i don't know. i have this obsession with the high level of thinking. it just interests me although i sometimes grasp for what i am saying / want to say. one would think that i have good command of english. well, i'm more comforatble speaking / talking then writing. guess that makes up 40% of everything.
i'm excited for school! finally, my brains are forced to work and i can keep my mind safe and active. i've kept it idle for so long and i'm beginning to doubt my own intelligance. now, how sad is that?
you see, even as i am typing this, i am saying it. so it's not quite written language. it's a physical form of spoken language; which is technically different. i reckon that's the controversy with msn and sms or internet and new media language. they've been misinterpreted, interspersed and now, confused. tsk tsk tsk.
i haven't been reading the papers, or keeping up with current affairs for that matter. my world is how i physically see / hear / taste (eat) / feel it. nothing more than two plus two equals to square-headed me. how can i think outside the box!? i only see the box but not what's outside of it cause i'm in the box; squared and trapped. as it's said in defending the caveman, "hindered by logic." (it's actually "not hindered by logic", but i changed it for contextual fitting purposes).
if i cannot see what's beyond me how can i be sure that it exists? based on the notion "seeing is believing", if i cannot see my future what makes me so sure that it'll come true? i guess that's where IMAGINATION comes in (from image + calculation). i perceive an image then calculate its distance to estimate how far i go; and that's can be boundless cause i've no sign to say where to stop. true?
ok i gotta go sleep now. eyes getting tired and mind's freaking out.
cheers!
i am feeling guilty.
i feel guilty because i did something wrong, and i don't know what to do now. do you?
i am feeling uncomfortable and restless. i cannot sit still and i don't want to stand. i don't want to sleep and i don't want to lie down.
something is here.
something saw what i did. something knew. and something wants to tell.
i wish i hadn't done it.
oh! how i'm sincerely wishing now!
i only have my regrets to live with. i am very sorry. i am very sorry for what i did.
why didn't this come before i did what i did?
i am in a dilemma, again. i feel like going to school now.
i wanted to go to either of the three universities. but i fucked up. big time i think. no. i did fuck up.
and i had that reconciled: work for a year, then go to school, continue working while schooling.
but things have changed. i now wanna go to school. maybe it's because of peer pressure. unconditionally and unknowingly, my mind changed on its own. i suspect it happened when i was sleeping. =)
anyhow, i am thinking of going to a private school like itc or sim or stansfield. payment is one thing. studying. no. schooling itself is hard. i mean law? hello!
i am also interested in advertising and pr and marketing. because it's business, and it's about creativity. i like being creative although i'm not that good at it. heehee. but i like it.
i like so many things. and i can put my mind to them. but sadly, that's a lie. i can only put my mind to some of them. others are...wishy washy iffy flippy kinda things.
like acting. i am putting my mind to it. most of it, all the time. law...uhr...that's a tuffy. english: seventy to eighty-nine percent of the time. other languages: always dream of them. you know, sometimes i wish i have this ability where i meet people from different races and i immediately talk to them in their langauge. like french to the french, german to the german, mandarin to the chinese, japanese to the japanese, etc. yeah. wouldn't that be cool!?
oh. and i'm on a movie marathon today. from the gray man to fame to taking pelham 123.
i bought a new wallet yesterday. cost me $39. and a new pair of contact lenses ($16). and 12 face masks for $11.70. then to al-majlis for dinner ($15). played cluedo. took photos with nurul, sulina and zallie. had fun.
been a long time (very long) since i last spent my friday nights. so it was good. i appreciate it. ok, gotta continue watching taking pelham 123 now. till next entry! =)
i've got another official, diary: officially bad employee selling techniques / tactics.
for phuk sake man. i don't know what the phuk to say. actually, i don't know 'how' to say it. that's more precise - knowing 'how' to say it!
i had one interview today. and i told ina and karyn about what i said. they flipped! cause apparently, i didn't say the right stuffs! i said something like "try" for the job, which according to ina is a total put off.
ONE SHOULD NEVER SAY "TRY THIS JOB"!
man. i really got a lot to learn. A WHOLE PHUKING LOT!
(a) a recording artist
if i were to be a recording artist, i want to have my songs written by people (great musicians) all over the whole and sung in as many languages and genres as i possibly can. my reason: so that everyone can be entertained!
this may seem like a domination but its not. imagine this: beyonce having her record in french, italian, chinese, malay, etc. those who can't understand her in english will get to enjoy what the song is in their own language. plus, it forms that more intimate relationship between me and those who give me their support. after all, people like those who speak their language (like the french, i am proud they're proud of their language.); it shows they love who they are.
talk about french, i wish frederic and francois can have their records in english too. yes i know it'll lose its essence and i don't want it that happen at all but i also want to understand their song. that way, they can have more people supporting them.
alternatively, i can learn french. but what if we both learn each other's language? isn't that (way) better?
(b) an actor
i have done some acting but i won't call myself an actor yet. that's cause i don't feel that i fit the role well enough. there're still many things i gotta do and learn before i'm fully prepared to be an actor.
having said that, one i gotta build up on my stamina, then my voice, learn how to sing, and dance well, and learn as many languages as i can, for reasons stated above. besides it brings in (a lot more) money.
have you seen or done any of those quizzes on facebook?
i particularly have a certain dislike for some of them, such as "when will you die", "how long will you live", "what age will you get married", "what sign is your life partner", etc. i find them ridiculous and almost cursing.
that's just me. others might say that it's just for fun and no harm intended. but like i said, it's just me.
i'm not superstitious. but such quizzes are dehumanizing and mortalising the Great Being.
as such, i do not like them. i do get a little annoyed when i see them tho. and i wish they would stop (being created).
on the same note, i find some other quizzes just stupid in the fundamental human intellect sense. why are people doing these things? what are they doing? hahak
for the past few nights i've been having nightmares.
from being in a horror movie to experiencing supernaturals myself (no, not the real ghosts, just the ones my mind created). but of all, i think last night was blog worthy.
i believe that dreams are our suppressed inner feelings that come out as images when we are most relax (sleeping). so when they surface, i don't usually brush them aside unless they're really ridiculous.
last night i dreamt i was really mad at this someone - who happen to be someone i know. i can't recall her face but i remember vividly that i saw her face when i was dreaming of her.
in the dream, i went insane. i was yelling at the top of my lungs and throwing things around (which is what i won't normally do!). the dream is set at a cafe by the way. and i was working at this cafe. i didn't throw anything else but knives, scissors, forks at her. making sure i'll hit her but purposely miss when i actually threw them.
the argument started when she went back on her words on me. she promised that i'll have a decent live if i work at this cafe that she owns. oh now i remember, she's the bully who always picks on me! so it was meant to be a truce or something.
but obviously she didn't stop lah. she humiliated me in front of everyone else time and again until finally that time, i snapped. i was raging mad so i charged at her, beating her so hard so that she'll feel the pain, so much pain. i remember having slammed her face to the door and pinning her down next to it while yelling and (practically) crushing her bones by sitting on her with my full body weight. and hitting her several times. mind you, i threw punches, not sissy slaps. yet all the time, she didn't fight back. it was as if she knew she had deserved it. strange ain't it?
now to what's happening in my life at this period.
i've been offered a job as a credit collector. my job is basically to call customers that they've to pay up. it pays $7/hr, 9 hours work each day for five days and four weeks each month, excluding the 10 hours of OT i must do each week (or so i was told). financially, the job pays more lah and it's also more stable. but i'm not enjoying the thought of it, more so about the work itself. so that goes to say that i'm not particularly interested in it or at all excited about the prospect.
i don't mind working in the theatre for 13 hours every weekend for free. when gilly offered me the job, i took it up immediately without any thinking twice.
but for this job...hmmph...you get what i'm trying to say?
so i guess, in my dream last night i was both person - the hitter and the one who got hit. although i enjoyed hitting her (almost to her death), she didn't seem to flinch or fight back or hurt for that matter. which is even more bizarre. naturally, this wouldn't be the case eventhough i'm the one "controlling" the dream.
anyhow, over-interpretation aside i think it was a sign or some sort: that i shouldn't let myself be bullied (this i know when my inner demon had to come out) or pressured into doing something which i don't want / dislike /adverse / hate / resent.
guess i'll be calling my agent and telling her i've changed my mind.... =(
i'm 21. and this shouldn't be a worry or something of that sort but i really feel left out not being in a relationship before.
I KNOW! LIKE WTH AM I WORRYING OR SHOULD BE? it's not something major or what.
but here's the thing...i feel like it is.
21: single, virgin, haven't drunk / smoke /getta tattoo, feel any sense of importance. man, i do feel pathetic. for having this feeling, and having the thought of having this feeling. like i got nothing better to do. or anything interesting to keep me company but to dwell on such menial stuffs. shux!
and now i think i'm childish. a man with a child's mind and child's thinking. maybe that is why i'm not making more friends than i can; they get put off by my stupidity and naivety. right?
this is not overthinking. this is just...considering (a thought).
one of the play in short and sweet is about alzheimer's. and it states that: keeping the mind and body active can and will help to prevent diseases. so i'm just keeping my mind busy with...thoughts.
maybe it's because they don't get me. or maybe that's too cliche / passe.
now i know why i couldn't make it to VS/RI/VJ/RJ/Law Fac/any elite schools. i'm way too dumb be a... a... manager even! hahak aka (that is to say) - not cut out for it.
i'm not that intelligent always = sometimes i'm not that smart = sometimes i am intelligent. so which one am i looking at (most of the time)? hmmph...
(to see that i'm even considering says something, right?)
and this is what i mean!!! i think what i think and write is something intelligent / adult-sounding but after re-reading, it's utter rubbish. *heres another one: i'm uttering rubbish! (AH! HELP ME. SAVE ME FROM ME!).
(i'm resisting the urge to change and rewrite what i've written but i won't cause i want to see it written down, and look at my mistake and...the restis history.)
at this point - i feel like a total idiot. *sobs and cries and wails.
haiks ruzaini, ruzaini...or (is it) zaini, zai, ruzai, nini, didi, ujai, zu, ruru, ruzini, ruzaiynie, ....
i was telling liyana (griffiths) the other day when i went her place: i realised that at the age of 21, what we've always worked for is seen. like visible.
for yana, she likes business and teaching. and she's been doing both extensively. fatah got into mass comm and a scholarship as a cabin crew- two things which he really wanted. me: i've always loved theatre and look at where that has brought me - esplanade, touch the light boards, asm, know people. must say, i do feel lucky (remember about being jealous of others?). =)
i just come back from hafeez's birthday party. it was great and awesome. but i was slightly disappointed: i thought i was their friend but i was ignored most of the time. guess i'm still known as the clerk and not part of their gang (and here i stupidly thought i am). the bmc sgts all joked and talked around but i didn't feel like part of the group. it was quite embarrassing. guess i'm kinda done. i'm not as close to them as i thought i was. uhm...so don't bother about trying. they won't care anyway. x|
and guess i know who my friends are; or rather the ones who feel that i matter as much as i do about them. i mean i do care for everyone i befriended. EVERYONE. yet, if they don't feel about it too, guess it's stupid to hope and try so hard. hahak.
smile and laugh it out ruz. smile and laugh it out. =)
oh ya. i'm in the craze for french music, french pop music! Frédéric Lerner. sexy and good taste in music (ok this is bias. it's more to my liking than the general public. ahahahahahak).
i mean after all live has to go on. be it what people think of you, thicken yourself, and move on la! hahak. just don't care as much as they don't care about me lor. i'm lonely and alone, i know. but suck it in boy and smile and laugh, smile and laugh.
people who matters to me and vice versa: my mum, siti, ayah, astri, liyana bar, hana, sufirah, ina, karyn, liyana griffiths.
and i'm giving up on dating. i'm no good. no one wants me. i feel weird when i'm dating / seeing someone. again, i'm lonely and alone. i've learn to smile and laugh even when my heart is wrenched and miserably languorous. and i can do it! just brush away the subject and smile and laugh. i have me. i have ME. I HAVE ME! I HAVE ME!!
and me will not go away. me is my alter ego who is just as lonely and alone. but when you put us together, there'll be no difference. there'll be no sense of filling of companionship. weird huh? but it's true. i guess maybe that is why i withdraw to myself most of the time. the only time i'm really empowered and feeling powerful is with astri / hana / yana / ina / karyn / any combination of the names listed and i'm on that stage as a performer. =)
here's my response from reading a blog entry (http://thelatterdays.blogspot.com/2009/02/beyonce-possession-video-series.html and http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=90805407978&h=FhVDV&u=6R2-A&ref=mf) i got from nurul (ycp):
hey there.
ok i agree with you that beyonce / sasha uses greek mythology as part of her persona - in her music and to a certain extent, her life. i can clearly see that.
i am convinced by your argument, and fervent belief in what you think.
however, i am not buying it all. you get me?
greek mythlogy is an interesting subject to play around with. we see it in many great literary works and periods. but what makes it interesting can also cause people to read deeper into what is portaryed, sometimes too deep.
"sasha fierce was born when i did crazy in love" (sorry if i've misquoted). i think quite simply it means: people - the mass public - starts to identify and look at beyonce as an individual artist, as the person she's made out to be. after all, it's her first single. and it was huge. it caught our attention of this powerful woman.
yes there have been symbolisms and depictions to show this transference, but at the end of the day sasha fierce is just a persona of beyonce. a "someone" she created when she's working because people love and adore that someone. it's a character, and she's lending her body. it's acting. is acting a sin / vice / diabolical then?
however, that is not to say she's been possessed or something like that. she's new, she's fresh and she's a force to be reckon with. not a diabolical force or any demonic descent of that sort. just a force, as in the lay meaning of the phrase "force to be reckon with." simple.
and she said she puts on a persona - sasha fierce - when she's on stage. as a performer myself, i know what she's talking about. we put on a front to brave ourselves in front of the crowd. a psychological barrier that helps to harden ourselves as a means of protection from going crazy by all the energy the audience brings. that is not being possessed. i find that magical.
here's the ethereal part - the stage has the kind of special energy that even when you're really sick, when you get on that stage to perform you will perform as if you're alive and kicking.
it's not something demonic or diabolical because i don't feel that energy / force churning. and i believe that is what every performer (entertainers) feels. it's a good and positive energy that helps us do our job as an entertainer.
so while i admire your "beyonce literature", i do not buy them all.
what is real?
how do we decide what's real and what's not? i am not a pychology student nor a philosophy one. but i think i would like to say something about it.
facebook. it's now more real than before. it's present, current, "in". no one in a developed country will not have an account, or at least heard about it. the latest tech is twitter but since i don't have one and it seems to be a celebrity gadget as well, i shan't go in to there.
but my point is this: my so called "virtual life" has become very much part of my "real life"; in short i feel like i'm living in cyberspace as well.
so if i put two and two together, my life has gone virtual too. my entire life has been expanded and extended (since i won't "die" there).
is it good? some people have made their "virtual life" as their real and actual life - feeding, resting, playing and working their cyber persona. this character they made up is usually something more extraordinary than their real and actual life. which is a fair fantasy to play around with but i think it gets derogatory when they start to indulge in it.
indulgence is a permissible sin when done occasionally, and for the sake of pleasure with no intentions of harm. on that note, going overboard and being obsessively absorbed into this new world so much that it starts to harm, i think a bold line should be drawn. there should be a stop to it.
perhaps it's the feeling such exciting place brings which makes people glued to it. however so, as capable and rational adults we know better. we ought to know the limits and stop before it gets worse.
yet, the fun such fantasies bring make them hard to delineate what's "real" and what's not.
i am, myself, becoming less capable of resisting such temptations. i find it necessary to log into my facebook account several times a day and check for any updates though they may not be any, or expecting any.
i fault myself for doing this because i'm showing signs of being "virtualised" (it's more than just having a virtual account: i am referring to the countless number of hours i would rather spend staring at the computer screen than to go out and live like a person should), hence i've to do something before more damges are done (if there have been considered as any already). i mean doing damage controlled is harder.
my solution: go out as often as i can with the people i meet in real life. and love life for what it brings; my REAL life that is, not the one i created online. =)
this is just a thought.
i wonder what kind of boyfriend i'll be (this is just a guess and what i think. results may vary).
1. i will put him second to me.
2. if he cheats, i want him to tell me. we'll talk and i'll forgive (unless we're at the point where he shouldn't and i'll be fuming mad if he cheats).
3. i wouldn't want him to compromise on lots of things. not so much of a change(s), but add-ons.
4. be sincere, faithful and respectful of him (needlessly said, he to me).
5. (if i get one who travels) i don't mind his constant travelling, cause he has to. and if he has sudden and urgent needs to attend to, i'll allow. but he's to be doubled or tripled protected.
6. i think i might be me most of the time.
7. and i hope i don't second the people who've been there for me longer than he has.
ps: i've this feeling i might not get pass 30. and it's terrifying me.
do you know who kitty mccallister (walker) is?
she is one of the characters in brothers and sisters who is a writer and former radio host, talk back presenter and communications director; married to Robert McCallister, the sentor.
i like her cause i think she's very intelligent. she's good with written language. i wannabe her. i am dreaming of (being someone like) her, again. which i can't i can't. cause that would mean i will be stressing myself unnecessarily again. and i took a great deal to get out of that. hahak.
i am jealous.
yes. i try to tell me myself that it's envy. or maybe it's more of envy than jealousy but i think i shouldn't lie. it's official. i am jealous.
i want a rich life. or something that money can buy. like holidays or schools.
if i go stansfield and do english, by the end of my course (2011) i have to pay back my loan. depending on which bank, most probably it's immediately after i graduate. but i want a more vibrant student life. i want to go on exchange. to me, it's the only time i get to go away from home for something fun and educational.
but this can only happen if i go to public universities. if it's smu/nus/ntu, i might not get to go (on such trips) because my parents can't afford. so maybe nie(?). i'll get allowance, cpf deduction, and fun on trips overseas. and since they offer drama as a major, i might just do that.
but am i doing the right thing? it's not about being practical or reasonable. am i being fair to myself? should i let myself be subjected to doing things i don't feel passionate for? i am passionate for drama, but not teaching. can i let myself go through such audacity?
i've made a promise to do what i like, and work hard for it. now i have to get back that drive and do what i feel is right. for myself. i only have myself at the end of the day (or at the end). so no matter what i do, i have to answer for them. and live through the consequences.
life is as inconsequential as i sometimes let it. so while i still can, i have to take action! and stick by it. i may not have the mind of hana's, or astri's maturity or yana's brains. but what i have is something different. and it's no less brilliant and beautiful. i may not see it with my eyes. it may not be visible to me, but i've got talent (this i know and very sure of). and it's my decision on how i want to make use of that gift.
so ruzaini, don't tell yourself how lucky people are. believe that you are just as lucky. and lucky people are grouped together. they come to one another naturally. lucky people are grouped together. smile. and embrace their luck. it's how you get your share of it. =)
and this is why i want to keep working, going out with friends, or having some activity. i have to keep my mind busy or i'll retract to this negative/sad/dishearten mood like everything around me is good and i'm having a miserable life. so i need to get back on my feet! and do something!
so i haven't been writing for quite some time. partly, it's because i got nothing important to write. and also, i keep forgetting what i want to write (some of my ideas come when i'm not at home). anyhow, i think i should write this down.
i've been reading again. after watching the entire latest season of grey's anatomy and desperate housewives and uglt betty i find the time to read again. last week i couldn't because i was involved in anna karenina by the finnish national ballet. it was at esplanade theatre. PHUKING HELL I'VE MADE IT THERE! NOW TO WORK HARDER SO I CAN HAVE MORE STAGE TIME. damn it's one fine theatre!
i just finished "in the country of last things" by paul auster. and now reading another book by him called "the music of chance."
albeit its futuristic setting, "in the country of last things" is full of events that might probably happened to us city-dwellers if we were to continue living as we are now. it's a story told by anna blume who is a very witty and brave character who's left her home to look for her brother in the city. there isn't any name to this city but auster give us a clear image of devoured it is. there, people either kill themselves or live through the hardship.
there're the Leapers - people who voluntarily kill themselves by jumping off the roof because they can no longer withstand the hardship of extreme poverty. when they die, the Vultures - people who steal from the dead corpes of their belongings - and Scavengers - people who take the belongings of the dead and sell them for glots (their currency) will come, and their bodies will be collected by this other group of people who comes and collect them for burning fuel to generate power. imagine the backdrop of the story the pianist, starring academy-award winner adrien brody. that's pretty much it. and the story is told from the first person narrative in letter-writing form to give the personal relationship. i felt moved when i was reading it. i sympathised with anna but also myself. her world is fiction. ours is real. and she's saying what's real to her, as if to tell us that it's just as real to us. it's almost like a warning.
in the book, there is no form of rescue. any kind of help quickly diminishes as soon as it conjures - from the time she talked to bogat (her brother's employer who sent him to the city to report what's happening) to the wobourn house (that serves as a hospital for the wounded and the sick). they do not last. as soon as anna feels the comfort of such solace, it's taken away. it is as if auster is telling us that hope and faith no longer exists. this is in addition to the missing presence, or even existence, of a devine being. anna even said that she no longer believes in god. and the jews she met in the library said that they "talk to him, but they're not sure if He listen to them or not."
it's a good 21st century gothic novel (thank god i studied gothic for my a's).
as for "the music of chance", it's the story of jim nashe who just inherited his father's money when he passed away and now travelling around the united states aimlessly when he met jack pozzi, a 22 year old poker expert. nashe rescued pozzi one summer morning when pozzi was running away from a group of millionares who've been robbed by a bunch of black-suit men while playing poker. angry at their loss and believing that pozzi was responsible for the attack, they mobbed him but he managed to escape, wounded and hurt but alive. i'm at the part where pozzi was telling his story and nashe realised how similar their lives are. i've yet to read the end of the story.
but it got me thinking of the notion of frailed masculinity. the lack of father figure in a boy's life that led to his reckless living as he is growing up - both of them finished high school simply because their fathers made them promise to, both of them are going around their lives with no solid idea of what they want (gambling their way through - risking the chances they got), nashe left his daughter to his sister's care and he disappears into the states, and both never quite knew their father. "the father" disappears as soon as they're born and suddenly shows up at different points of their lives several years later. and the repetition of their fathers' mistake is their pathos. these men will fall - like their fathers - simply because they're behaving like their father. they are being the men they choose to hate, which in turn means they are hating themselves. and probably that's why they do not have a sense of direction. it's the acme of any man's fall.
i feel bad for them. and worse, i'm seeing it in myself. i am being like my dad, somehow, eventhough i resent him at times (cause of the things he does). and i try my very hardest not to but the fruit usually don't fall far from the tree. i have his genes. i have him running in me. maybe that's why i can't let go and run away. maybe this is every man's tragedy!
boy i sure am going absurdly far aren't i with this ludicrous and preposterous idea. but hey, i can use this as my usp essay (if i choose to apply to nus again next year).
but diary, i'm thinking of doing the english degree at stansfield. it's by uol. uol is good. but i don't know about the administration at stansfield. i'm just afraid it'll screw up a lot of things. already now i haven't gotten a reply from their marketing team about my fees and financial assitance queries. if they can't be efficient, how will i know the efficacy of my degree? plus, i don't know if the bank can approve the max loan. it's approx $28, 000 (i gauge the fees at unisim) but my dad can loan up to $16, 500; that's $12, 500 short! or should i wait for next year?
anyone there. please reply... o.o"
ps: the other authors whom i adore are margaret atwood and iris murdoch. now paul auster's joining the list. =)
uhm...i am not happy with my b'day celebration ytd. well, mainly cause it wasn't a celebration. no cake, present, out with frens. hahak. the supposed big 21 is a big disppointment to me. i wanted more but nothing. mum tried but she's pregnant. i utd. dad is hush hush. siti made a card for me. i thought it was sweet. and zahid wished me at night ( around 8).
the fact that i could remember it all is not a good thing. cause if there had been more activities, i will remember the important ones. those memorable ones. but since i've only got the wish and hush, and that's all i can remember...so it's memorable? (cause it's stuck in my memory.)
no point blogging about this bad thing. maybe sth better coming as i learnt from last friday's congregation: tmr is better than today. all i need is gumption and patience. and oh faith.
ooh...faith...
last friday i attended von's b'day celebration. it was big and partying all happening but i didn't do much cause i don't know the rest of them - when i came only his jc friends were there. i wanted to try the drinks but decided not to. i said to myself, i shouldn't. the next day when i woke up: i realised that the day i have that drink and sleep with a man is the day i forsake my religion. my religion! not god! it felt wrong. i felt worse but helpless. why did i even think of that? religion before god. sish. i'm sure damned. =(
but then again, maybe i thought wrong. after all (on that day) i haven't had sleep for about 28hours. so maybe my brain went bonkers. hahak.
hi there. today it's the 21 b'day. my 21. felt pretty emo about it ytd. don't know why. hahak.
so wht now, eh? =)
ok so i confess now. i am worried i'm not getting any letter of offers yet. many people have asked (told rather) me to be postive but i say, "what silver lining? u mean the inside of my frog? eew!"
ok that was lame. and lame as i will be.
i have also learnt to not be obsessed with intelligence and wit. instead, look at beauty. that's better and longer lasting. plus i can accept that. =) so long as i keep seeing sth nice, i will be nice - both inside and outside. yay!
so now that i might go to sch this yr, i have learnt to accept that. well, preparing myself; -ly (mentally, socially, psychologically, etc-ly). i can do more FOH and get more money. make new friends. and be happy. see the prettiness of it? =)
this is my online diary. hence, it's mostly personal stuffs. i guess thatwas why i decided to privatise it and only restrict certain people to read it.
ok. i have to really accept that i have an average iq. not very intelligent but still is to some degree. i am less campy now - i saw a vid of my acting. =) and i have lotsa inhibitions and reservations. and i do contradict what i believe and say sometimes.
this entry is about me being engaged with real social affairs. i gotta know about UNIFEM two days ago. and met with one of their members yesterday, sonja bretscheinder. we briefly spoke and today i joined the UNIFEM facebook group.
i stumbled upon www.findingbibi.com, www.mideastyouth.com, www.freekareem.com. these are good blogs about the thoughts of the arabs. and it's a joy reading on their culture and recent happenings.
but it's quite ironic like how easy it was for me to look for these articles when i'm having the hardest time looking for similar articles about singapore. maybe i am not looking at the right places. uhm...
an excerpt that got me thinking...
"Q: Do you find Islam to be a problem that leads to our societal restrictions?
A: Well, a lot of religious Muslims are decent and understand the importance of living in a free and tolerant society. I know that Islam is not our problem. Politics is our weakness and Islam is just an excuse that many of our governments successfully get away with."
it's true: politics and religion are independent issues that overlaps and intersperse sometimes. more often misunderstood and lazily declined thus accepted. it's thru the deveopment of ideas and wide exposure that help people draw and form their own opinions. these thoughts get published and shared and rephrased in the process of spreading the word. so much that eventually words got displaced, forming new (sometimes radical) ideas. the process repeats.
=)
i am lost in my thoughts. i am told, severally, that i overthink. and i think i should stop but i don't know how and where to.
and i had a heart 2 heart chat with astri, hana, yana about my sexuality. man i thought i am over this. apparently i'm still puzzled. it all staretd when astri asked: so what is it that you wannabe (sexuality)? and i reluctantly answered cause i was extremely embarrassed to talk about it yet i wanna. see how weird that is?
and i still have to get the part that i have an AVERAGE iq i.e. stop acting as if i'm very smart. i can't hand around smart people cause i can NEVER keep up.
i wannabe smart cause i don't wannabe bullied. i was bullied when i was more naive and pathetically immature. and i hated that big time lah.
i think i'm still looking for 'me'. so meanwhile i'm hanging around.
i know we can tell how intelligent a person is from the way he talks and writes. many think i am from the way i talk. but writing wise - CHECK OUT THE POOR WRITING! it's quite in your face right ruzaini? so, suck it in! be embarrassed and thickened yourself. now that's how it seems like how it should be. so you're gonna go all red. (sigh) what to do.
the more i run, the more tired i'll be. but it'll improve my stamina. bad analogy. but basically...you know what i mean lah.
man. i'm lost in my thoughts.
ps: i think i just overthink again? is it a work in progress? =S
