Rah! Rah! Rah!

Today felt a rush of adrenaline. So a bit on the hyper side hor. Nevermind. Can cool down one. Just not yet lah.

OK kids yeah I know you like fire-crackers but...uh...please...can play far far? I'm smelling the smoke from their bunga api. Smelly ah but it adds to the taste of Raya. OK fine so it's their Raya but hey...ours is coming soon! Can't wait! Camwhore time, babe! Hahak.

Astri has changed from "hakhak" to "LOL" in her messages all thanks to me for "borrowing her word" and making it "hahak". So cute a reason, don't ya think? She's adorable.

OK lah Syaza pun adorable lah. Nanti tak praise marah agi. Gi balik kat...sape name bf dier eh...lah, nevermind lor. It don't matter. Asalkin dier happy. Kan Syaza. And oh I almost forget, congrats to being a sister...again!

Hrmmph...watched The Campaign to Confer The Public Service Star on JBJ last Sunday with Fuad. Awesome shit. Eleanor Wong is so brilliant lah. Her use of euphemisms and handling of sensitive issues that could potentially make the play a very controversial one ('cause of the mention of a Lee and JBJ - whoever their are...wonders...) is damn good.

She's poignant in her point yet feisty enough to not spur an uproar in the industry. But then again, with someone like her calibre writing such plays they'll be celebrating rather than being a bolshie banshee (hehehehehehehehehehehehehe).

Afterall, we need a pool of talent like her. We got Ivan, Hossan, Selena, Pam, Emma, Christina, Kheng Hua, Yu Bing, Haresh, Alvin, Natalie, Zizi, Alfian, Siti K, Asbit, Norlina, Beatrice (just some of the many names I could recall in a short time) in the gang. We need more. If Singapore wannabe an Arts Hub...and personally I really wish - the east side (err...west side, east side...ring a bell? If no, nevermind. Losers. Hahak, sorry) - they definitely need to cast their net bigger...

...to this side here! Hellooo! Yeah, here. Here! Sini Sikit. Sini Sikit. Heh! =) Yeah babe.

Adore D. (glees)

Picked up a few books at the library. Good thing: yay, I'm reading, again. Bad thing: when am I gonna read them? (Still...yay, I'm reading again.) Ahahahak.

Can't you see? I'm high on sugar rush.

To all those people whom I met at Geylang and/or Bugis...hola again. To those people who said they saw me but I didn't see them, sorry. I truly am. I mean I can't attend to everyone you know. Can't help that I'm popular.

(HAK! BUSH BUSH BUSH! SO EGO AND DIVA! AH! TAK LEH TAHAN I...!!! AH!!!)

Tak leh tahan sua, I...do (decide to be nice and choose a word more suited to the situation in lieu of a harsh word) care. Sorry. Just had to be a "self-absorb bastard" (now where did I hear this phrase from? can the person who was phrased with this please stand up, please stand up) who needs to listen to himself once in awhile. Too bad the time is now. Ahahahahahak.

D is sick today. Had a flu. See lah asked D to take care of D-self, D don't want. Now see what happens. Haiks! Sobs. Sobs.

And I did go back to Geylang to get what I wanted. Fuyoh. Besh sak! Hehehehehe. Spent a lil more than I should, or could, but felt that a lil sinful pleasure won't harm. Just a burnt pocket that can be sewn using NS and boredom. A small price to pay for something that brings such wonderful joy! Aigt?!

OK I need to slow down and catch my breath. And I'm gonna listen to Dayang Nurfaizah's latest single: Hilang and Kasih Maafkan (not sure if this is new though), while doing just that. She's trully a soulful and R&B singer. Go youtube it and you know what I mean. I like her now. She's a better singer (vocal wise) and performer. Inspiring!

Love ya'll

Chance

Hrmmph...how should I say this? Aigt, here goes...

Yesterday met up with Izzy to go shopping. Hadn't had retail therapy for quite sometime. So I'm back to my normal sessions. Bought about 5 items (2 pairs of jeans, one top, and 2 bottles of sample perfume) at less than $60. So felt good about it.

Here's the other thrill: I met these people when I was at Bugis and Geylang. Most of them I haven't seen for a long time.

1. Zul (YCP) - at sultan mosque eating place.
2. Su (YCP) - at Geylang
3. Win (YCP) - at Geylang
4. Sufyan (Griffiths Primary) - at Geylang (last saw in 2005)
5. Suqina (Meridain JC) - at Geylang (last saw...last Lit paper for A's!)
6. Suhailah (Greenview Sec Sch) - at Geylang (last saw in 2004)
7. Andi (Meridian JC) - at Geylang (last saw...last Lit paper for A's!)

Like hello, all within less than twenty minutes OK! (except for Zul ah) That was truly a work of chance. Hahak.

On another note, I sometimes wonder if those people whom we met are by chance or intentional. It's as if, you're bound to meet them. And because it's not made known to us, we get surprise thus calls it "by chance". Is there really such thing as "by chance"?

Funny how things work in the a place we don't know the rules very well.

Anyhow, I'm happy that I met D. =)

And that any major hiccups haven't taken place. thank God for that.

love ya'll

Plateau

Felt like flipping the dictionary just now. So I came across these words which I've never heard before. I know, sad me.

1. pliable: easily bent/easily persuaded.
2. plenteous: plentiful
3. plebeian: (of ancient Rome) the lower class people
4. abscond: leave quickly and secretly to escape from custody or avoid arrest
5. bolshie (or bolshy): hostile and uncooperative
6. cadaverous: like a corpse in being very pale and thin
7. cad: a man who behaves dishonourably
8. concomitant: naturally accompanying or associated
9. concord: agreement; harmony
10. plethora: an excessive amount
11. pleonasm: use of more words than necessary to describe a meaning
12. sozzled: very drunk

And yes, in the words of Sulina,"time to rest...."

Wednesday had duty. Gut feling told me to sign up for it. So I swapped with a friend. Turns out, not a good idea. Things wasn't as smooth. Damn sway so to say.

Thursday then can book out. Went Geylang to break-fast with Izzy and Astri. I was late 'cause I dropped by Giordano to get a top and belt. Thus explain my late coming. Hahak. Sorry. I'm sucha diva. Window shopping there. Cool stuffs. Wanna go down again soon to buy 'em. Have too. Felt obligated to. Hahak.

So today, took urgent leave and off. Means I didn't go to work today lah. Hahak. Awesome.

Sorta ticked D off today. Felt bad. I'll do what you say, when I feel like it. You can't compel me. So he had the long face. Damn cute. Hahak. Haiz...

And decide to write an entry cause of this: Penal Code 377(A) is retained. According to The Straits Times, the reason is mainly because of conservative asian "values" and not depriving anyone from certain primary "rights". Yeah, sure. If the law that once criminalised fellatio and sodomy has been lifted, and the more positive outlook in the way society is becoming more receptive, I have to be positive. =)

Love y'all

Play

I'm longing for someone. I haven't had the chance to meet the person. We have only chat on msn. It's cool that the person wishes to work something out between us, despite the distance.

I am listening to sappy songs. Damn I love sappy Englishs songs. They have this therapeutic effect on you. It soothes the emotional weak heart, like mine. Hahak. I'm sure all those of you who are in a haven of love, or joining it, understands me.

I am a player. A player in the game of life. Taking its toll without any strategies at hand will lead you to undesirable outcomes. At least when you anticipate, you are better prepared for what is to come.

The two favourite sngs of mine, currently, is Marc Anthony's My babay You and Mariah Carey's My All. Never have I had so much emotions being poured and swimming around.

Last night musical performance at Grand Copthorne was OK. It wasn't as thrilling given the situation that happened. I shan't say much so as not to tarnish anyone's name. But those who were involved would know what I'm talking about. This is just an outlet for me. To get it out of my system. Still it was my first musical performance. And singing is one of my fears. Glad I had the chance to overcome it, even by an inch. The bottom-line is: I sang in front of a crowd! It was an atypical performance for me. Changes are good, even if they are embarrassing. Hahak.

I'm dead beat and jaded. It aint me. So aint me. But for what it's worth, the exhaustion is necessary.

A few days ago, I went to NUS website to read about the English language major programme. Simply by reading the faculties' goal I became intimidated. It sounds very challenging and tough. Never have I expect language to have been that difficult. The technical bits of language can make you bald. It's arduous. Still it spurs me to work hard for it. I will have a very very very steep learning curve but hey, you'll find me at the foot on the other side. =)

Love ya'll

For you D (don't know if you're gonna read this tho...hahak)

If Thats Ok With You by Shayne Ward.

If that's OK with you
I love the way you look without your make up
I had a girl before we met but we broke up
There's something 'bout you that makes me want to step up
Step up and be with you
If That's Ok With You

We'll keep the neighbors awake too late too late
Cos imma make you feel so good thats how I see it happening
Yeah we'll keep the neighbours awake too late too late
Cos baby I wanna step up and be with you
If that's ok with you

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna saint your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you

I wanna keep your toothbrush at my appartment
Make a second set of keys and ask you to move in
I'm not crazy
I know what I'm getting myself in
I wanna live with you
If that's ok with you

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna saint your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna saint your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you
Yeah yeah

We'll keep the neighbours awake too late too late
I wanna love you this way that way this way
We'll keep the neighbours awake too late too late (ooh ooh)
I wanna love you this way that way this way (oh baby)

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's ok with you
If that's ok with you
Im gonna love you

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna thank your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's ok with youif thats ok with you
If that's ok with youif thats ok with you
If that's ok with youif thats ok with you
If that's ok with you

Bummed

I'm bummed.

Shaiful, I should have never gone for the audition had I known the outcome.

Ruzaini I think you should just stop what you're doing and go back to what you're good at: being a lame duck at the butt of everyone joke. You should just stop trying to make it in showbiz, or the theatre for that matter. You don't have the commercial look. You cannot be market.

Maybe backstage or behind the screen you might say. Yes maybe. It's not what I wanna do but well it's a sbustitute. Guess I can settle for the next best.

Might as well continue with what you're good at: study Chembiocem at NTU and do some research and find someone decent and get married.

I feel fucking painful telling myself this but it's the truth. I was so stupid to even believe I can make it either at NIDA or RADA and soon Hollywood. You cannot even pass Suria lah with yourself.

Do political science at NUS, major in public policy and maybe become PR, if you don't like the first choice. Cause it's obvious you're not getting what you've been yearning for. It's really, trully stupid and idiotic to even dream. Like seriously wake up and smell reality!

Seriously, what the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!

Y0u're meant to do great things. Yes, within the cubicle of your predestined desk-bound office job at the lowest level of the company! Movies are bullocks. Inspirational stories are meant to delude, smearing the hard stoned cold fact. Believing is shit. Hoping is stupid. God is fair.

Right, God?! I'm asking you nicely what is it that you want me to do to please you and those around me?

I need answers to keep myself sane and grounded and faithful.

Hell yeah I'm stupid. You made me that way. But I dreamt like I was a Cambridge/Oxford material. Ok maybe too high. I dreamt I was a chem engine material student. Clearly I'm not. I'm a dumbass. Too idiotic that I only realised it a few years later. Bodoh kan? Dah sah da.

Yelah, orang cakap kita dengar. Orang nasihat kita dengar. Orang perli kita terima. Sebab da tolol. Apa nak buat? Buat bodoh je ah. Oh sorry. I memang bodoh. Haha.

I cannot help but feel like a failure 24/7 three sixty-five. My up points lasted for only...a few seconds. My low points lasted for...eternity. Well it sure feels like it. Yeah. That's how the cycle goes for me.

Now that Ramadhan is coming, I don't know what else to do except to fast and pray. Be mechanical. Abstain from sin, I'll try. I mean when you feel forsaken, you'll get it.

Everyone around me is smarter and having a better life than me. Of course they are those who are not as fortunate as me so I have to be grateful. Fine I will, for the sake of it.

"Sabar Ruzaini," is what most people will tell me. Yes tell rather than advice. I can be patient. But not now. I'm snapping. So let me snapped! Let me break into a gazillion pieces. I mean He is simply taking back what he's given me. I should never count it as a curse and/or bad luck. I should be thankful and grateful that He has lent me something. So this is what I'm doing. This is my way of being thankful. It's the unconventional and Ruzaini's way.

Alhamdulliah.

On a different note, at least D is back. That is keeping me sane a little bit. I've someone whom I can turn to. Sorry for being hasty. It's the teenage angst speaking; so pardon it.

I look up in the sky and said (not asked),"Is this the same sky that other well-off people are living so I shouldn't be angry. I should feel bummed and smile it out. The ebb and flow of the tide keeps repeating itself."

Logic fails to register as can be clearly seen in the linguistics of me. I forgo the rules of semantics and syntax. I find no purpose in conforming to the laws when I feel harm by it. Laws protect and also assassinate. Sex if fun but sinful (when done by unmarried couple). Well at least I believe sex is fun, afterall that is what we're taught. A fat and cholesterol-filled me finds no reason to be nice to anything, yes I deliberately objectisized everyone except D, simply because I want to be better.

Feel better through being condescending. Guess you can pass it as a syndrome, widely known as inferior complex. If you're gonna talk about complex why not throw in the Oedipus and Electra complex. That way we will all not feel guilty about committing incest. =)

Here's another complex I'd like to contribute to the family of complex: infuriaty complex. It's a paradox whereby you're angry at the same people who made you feel good simply by doing the good deeds they're more prone to do instead of inflicting harm as expected. It's what I'm having.

D is now becoming a big part of me. Yet I get disapproval from myself, and others whom I had conjured in my mind. I think of D most of the time. D cannot escape from my mind. I don't know why. D is the negative energy absorber. All that D needs to do is to smile and ta-dah! he's a negative energy magnet and discarder. I feel better, not magnanimous but decently better.

...(heavy sigh)...

Love y'all

...?

China hegemony

If you have been reading The Straits Times these days, then the story about "China hegemony" would be no stranger to you. In Monday's paper, there're reports saying that China isn't heading towards the direction of hegemony.

In truth, China's stories have made headlines. Remember the fake "pau" controversy, suspected infiltration into France's, Germany's, Britain's and US's government sites by people from China, being Asia'a biggest economy - and third largest (if I ain't mistaken) world economy - to add a little bit, many countries are investing in the Chinese markets more than the US (attention towards to them)? In truth, China is a major influence in the world economy right now. Isn't that saying something?

However so, it still cannot be said that China is starting a hegemony. It's simply doing things which will ensure its survival in this more competitive world. Japan is leading in technology. US is leading in practically everything else. Singapore too. They'll be so malu if they can't do the same.

So is there gonnabe "China hegemony"? According to the Chinese officials, it allows the world to stop it from doing so. Yet with the recent news update I beg to differ. Still...Hrmmph...I cannot decide.

Name calling

When you hear someone calling you fat, it means the person wants to appear as slim. So don't be bothered.

If the person say that you're thin/slim, tell them it's the watermelon you ate last night. Right Andrea (go read this week's 8days)?

Celebrities should run the Government

Sometimes I think Stefanie Sun should pair up with Kit Chan to discuss about world issues with Elton John and Madonna or Tata Young or even Angelina Jolie. I asked myself who would make a better government body.

You see, celebrities often work together to get the same message acorss. Think the Divas Concert, Saving Gaia Concert, things in the politics may be shaky but not in the entertainment world. Yeah maybe 'cause it's not meant to be seen. I'm so dumb to make such a caim. Not to mention naive.

But I cannot help to see why is it that I see artistes coming forward to unite the people with their music. Sure there ought to be some form of music propaganda. But at least it's not one which cause people to have differing views and place callous, if not constructive comments that's meant to build a trench, remarks in blogs and newspapers. Who ever wrote about something bitchy of a song and got public attention? I'm reffering to the content, not the writer ah.

Moving On

Guess I have to move on when the other side refuse to clap anymore. Hahak. Quite agonising I must say. But it's better to keep moving then to be stuck in a rut no matter how nice and comfortable atying put is. Right?

Da D...

Love ya'll

Sitting here, I hope and pray

Silently I sit,
Waiting for a reply.
Hoping that you will,
But it never came.

You made me feel good,
Happy and stress-free.
Even when things do not seem so,
You made it well.

I have fallen for you,
And you said that you have the same.
It fills me with bliss,
Smiling in glee.

Yet now you are not there,
Why so? I asked.
Like you,
The answer never came.

Like you,
I pray that it will soon.
Funny how you've made me,
And I enjoy your company.

When you're not here,
I know where you are.
Now,
I stare in awe.

Have I known you,
Or have I not?
Have you told me the truth,
Or am I still waiting.

I want answer.
I need answer.
I desire answer.
I pray you'll answer.

I just wanna talk,
Like how it had been.
Don't tell me that you're bored,
That'll make me go wow.

Being callous is part of you,
Or you created it?
Are you testing me,
Or teasing me?

In me I long for you,
Out there I see no you.
I see myself looking,
I see stupid me seeing.

Onlookers laugh,
I blushed.
You're gone,
I'm dead.

It feels a part of me is hollow.
It has been but not sensed till you're not there.

Have I really fallen for you,
Or was I simply infatuating.
Teenagers are good at "falling in love",
But never trully understand it.

Hahak I'm being stupid,
Overthinking of all these.
Perhaps it's just infatuation,
That I mistook for admiration.

Yes,
Perhaps it's so a case.
I'll try not to think of you anymore,
I'll try not to feel the pain of being ripped.

I name you D.
D for many things.
D for "d one".
D for "d only".

I see no one else,
After I met you.
I wanna stay true,
But it's obvious circumstances are pushing otherwise.

Hahak I laugh to myself,
Hahak I ponder to myself.
Hahak I farced the mockery.
Hahak hahak hahak.

Sitting here, I hope and pray.

Love y'all

Hahak

Went for the MDC audition yesterday. I felt good and confident. I'm praying hard that I'll get in. Oh gosh I'm tearing just by the desperation. Zaini (Artistic director of MDC) can you hear my cry? Hahak..

Posted up new albums in my "me-showing" link. Do check 'em out, ya? Hahak..

Here's my list of favourite songs:

1. Mary J Blige - Can't Be Witout You
2. Mariah Carey's - My All
3. Siti Nurhaliza - Bisakah
4. Nelly Furtado - All Good Things Come To An End
5. Sudirman - Merisik Rindu
6. Sudirman - Antara Hujan Dan Airmata
7. Beyonce - Summer Love
8. Beyonce - Listen
9. Beyonce - Suga Mama
10. Christina Aguilera - Candyman
11. Christina Aguilera - Carwash
12. Massari - Real Love
13. Michael Buble - Fever
14. Chris Botti - All Would Envy
15. Michael Buble - Everything
16. Jennifer Hudson - One Night Only
17. Celine Dion - I Surrender
18. Christina Aguilera - Hurt
19. Beyonce - Dangerously In Love
20. Sheila Madjid - Jentayu

In the words of Beyonce in her new single "Still In Love (Kissing You)", D

I am so in love
I am still in love
I never met love quite before
Untill I saw your face and whatching stars
Without you my soul cries
My hething heart is full of pain when we're apart
The aching

[chorus]
I'm kissing you, oooh
I'm kissing you, oooh
You're my father, you are my soldier, you protect me, boy you save me, you're my best friend, You are my husband
My doctor, counsellor, provider, professor
My everything

I love, I love, I love you, I love you, yes I love you
I need, need, I need, you I need you
I can't live with out you
I trust you, I trust you, I trust you
Teach me, take me
When we make love I can feel all your spirit deep in side me
Baby you are so pure

[chorus]

I am kissing you, forever and ever and ever
I love kissing you (kissing you, kissing you)
Spend so many years since we fell in love
You've got some special baby
We can cry together
We can grow together
Be ourselves together
And I love you, more then music
Yes I love you, more then music
I rather be kissing you, oooh
I kissing you, oooh
I love kissing you

[Still In Love lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com/]

music vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU5GGiFK5Bc

I long to see you...Hahak..

Love y'all

Mockery

I cannot help but feel mocked. Looking at the lack of love in the world, the burgeoning world economies, the progress society takes, and individual demeanour makes me ponder over the possibility that the "Eutopia" we're striving for has actually come to light, just in a different shade.

A shade tainted with an eminent lack of colour and vitality. A lingering haze that blanket our vision. Margaret Atwood and Henry James are some of those who have tried to ring the alarm. Lucidly weaving tales of horror done by mankind and individual goal to wriggle out of misery. The stories they wrote are often heavily laden with dark and bleak issues surrounding the society, and its deliberate choice to be ignorant.

Unlike James who penned Gothic horror stories, Atwood pen hers in a way that doesn't seem apparent. For example The Handmaid's Tale and Ornyx and Crake by Atwood tell a story of how a set of laws being set up by the government to be followed by many without questioning. It comes to mind a similar version written by George Orwell, 1984. The parodies surfaced suggest a telling sign of some form of breakdown, otherwise why would there be a need to bring forth a flaw - a crack in the wall.

"Aria Da Capo", a play written in 1916, also contain a similar theme. It's essentially a play showcasing how "form managed to take precedence over substance" (Mayura) when people start to practice the dogma. Indoctrinate themselves with the intention of forming a "perfect" society.

It's interesting how these "intelligent" people couldn't see the main flaw of their vision: that the idea of perfection itself is a sign of hubris thus, according to the Greek laws, punishable by The Divine for only The Divine is said to be perfect, none of its creation or its creation's creation could escape from its imperfection.

Hence, the chase for "perfection" and creating "Eutopia" is sort of a mockery to The Divine, suggesting how mortal-like it actually is. It suggests that man too can come up to The Divine's status, and that it's not as powerful as it's deemed to be. Man is showing off his capabilities, and bringing down the high status of The Divine.

If there's one thing I learn from Greek mythology is that hubris is both a man's power and poison. It gives him confidence to reach beyond his limits yet, unknowingly he's stepping out of his safety circle and plunging into a bottomless abyss. He finally has what he's strive for: a place that's somewhere beyond his limits. An example would be the story of Icarus.

Philosophy teaches us to assess the matter at hand and argue our way out, or better still to avoid, making the wrong judgement. Questions like Ethics and Morals are often debated either with friends or self. It's a hard conflict to reconcile with. But it's inevitable.

So I feel mocked. I feel like my life is being parodied by those around me - in jokes, gossips, conversation starters, etc. I feel that our lives is a mockery. A mockery on those who hates us, and us on them. I kill the innocence in others, and framing a perspective worthy of Hades's partnership. I walk the lives of others. Stepping on the ground that others have stepped on with my footprints, as if mocking them. Of how funny they are, or how funny they walk and land their footprints. As if mine is better than theirs.

The same picture we see, but I have a varying view. Likewise for him or her. Our differences is a mockery of others. Our gifts to others, for them to laugh at and pass it on. And that's how laughter makes the world go round.

Love y'all

Funny how...

Work has become a bitch. I am quite certain I don't want to be working in an office. Two months at SMTI affirms it.

Office politics is fun to hear but not play. The game changes when you have your friends going against you. And by that I mean when you hear different sides of the same story of the same person in the same condition. You start to have perspectives on your own on many people. Unpleasant perspectives. And I hate to look at a person's bad side.

I'm the kind who doesn't wish to know anything bad about someone. Even if it was a short over the cubicle barrier gossip. Unfortunately, even over the urinals stories have gotten to me. More dirty laundries being hung.

I'm glad the current re-ops doesn't affect me as badly. Well, at least I don't feel the bite yet.

I'm gonna go for the SAF Music and Drama Company (MDC) this Saturday. And hell ya I'm scared. Damn scared. "First bitten, twice shy." For me, "once bitten, twice makin ganteng."

'Cause apparently I didn't look like Adha the other time. I look more like...Shaiful. Hahak. Sorry man. You're the first name I thought of. Sorry. I mean you got Meh Che - she's the beauty. So that makes you...

Though I cannot say the same for me and her. Me and Meh Che...hehehe...

I must say that YellowChair Productions has helped me a lot. I cannot say enough "thank you" to Shaiful for introducing me to the club. Since joining, I've had aplenty acting offers which makes me more thrilled to delved deeper into this.

I love acting. I cannot "heave my word into my mouth" (King Lear, 1.2). I earnestly want to do this for a long time.

And I'm blessed with these when I'm in one of my lowest point. I've had many trenches. This aint the lowest. The lowest was when I was in depression. Good thing the number of parasectamol I took weren't enough to knock me out. Hehe.

Anyhow, Beyonce's "Suga Mama", Kelly Rowland's "Gotsta go" and Timabland's "The way I are" never fails to make me happy. The tunes are so catchy and groovable. Good to shake it all off. Youtube the vids. Hehe.

Love y'all

I'm not Ready

It's been a quick year. Too quick, I feel. Too quick.

Has another cycle passed already? Has it been that fast? I haven't had time to reflect. I felt like I missed out on many things. So many. So many opportunities have slipped by.

Who let 'em? Well me, of course. I let 'em. And why did I do that, again?

It's been a year. It's been another year. It's been another year, like every other. A year where careless Ruzaini happily lived through.

It's been a year where Ruzaini tries to do what he isn't good at. Made several attempts to push conventional walls.

Sparked controversies and severed ties.

Made new friends, and new sins.

Preaching. Praying. Eating. Sleeping. Breathing. Blinking. Acting. Dancing. Exercising. Talking. Saying. Cursing. Fooling. Looking. Seeing.

It's been a year of joy. A year of fun. A year of pain. A year of anger. A year of...laughter (?).

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Something doesn't feel right.

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Something just feels...

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...out of place.

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Something close to me feels outta place.

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Something...

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Something...unpleasant coming.

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And what makes it more surreal is that it's nearing.

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It's a vibe. I'm sure you guys would have felt sucha vibe before.

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I cannot put a finger as to what it is.

And I don't feel good about it. Not good at all.

Is it because I'm feeling the Ramadhan heat coming; and wanting to repent thus the solemn mood?

Maybe. Probably. Possibly.

I'm scared. This is true fear.

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laa illah ha illallah, muhammadu rosullullah. laa hawlawallah kuuwataa illah billahi 'aaliyyul aziim

Love y'all

Interesting conversation...

Before I write this entry I'd like to inform you people to visit the "me-showing" segment, hahak, I finally found a site convenient for my use to upload photos taken. =)

OK...back to entry.

This is actually from an email I received from my uncle. Very interesting...

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new Muslim students to stand and.....

Professor: You are a Muslim, aren't you, son?

Student : Yes, sir. Prof: So you believe in God?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Prof: Is God good? Student : Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?

Student : Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?

(Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you?

Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?

Student : Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?

Student : No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?

Student : From...God...

Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes. Prof: So who created evil?

(Student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Prof: So, who created them?

(Student has no answer.)

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?

Student: No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student : No, sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof: Yes.

Student : No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?.....No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir.. The link between man & god is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

NB: I believe you have enjoyed the conversation...and if so...you'll probably want your friends/colleagues to enjoy the same...won't you?...forward them to increase their knowledge...

I has been a week...

Whoa...OK. hahak. I'm high on excitement though it's only 6.58am in the morning.

Yesterday the YellowChair Production people went out. Shaiful the director suggested the idea since all of us were suffering from withdrawing symptoms. Seriously...no one was feeling OK after the production has ended.

Prior to that I had rehearsal from 12 (but I came at 12.30pm) to 4pm. After that I joined them.

And that's when I heard that Shahdon post up our unexpected photo shoot picture (see them at http://shahdon.livejournal.com/92877.html#cutid1) and videos! Laugh OK, 'cause it's meant to!

And since I can't place the embedment (don't ask why, IT geek here), I've put the URL instead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxindSHHjs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nze69LpM_40

And fucking hell, I didn't realise how high my voice is...so embarrasaing.