"Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?"
Been listening to Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" lately and the above line is my favourite. It aptly summarises the FACT that all of us do not get what we want, less what we have always dreamt of. Of course Caridee, winner of ANTM Cycle 7, or Fantasia can say that "dreams do come true" and those who watched will immediately get spellbounded by these magical words unknowingly fooling themselves into believing that anything will be possible if hard work and dedication is put into making the dream real. That is because they had gotten what they have been dreaming of. What about the other contestants who put in the same amount of effort, maybe even more, only to know that they do not get what they have fervently pursue? I bet this is exactly what Melrose felt when she lost to Caridee.
Perhaps we seem to forget about The Divine intervention part. This is the crucial part. If The Divine dictates that you will not get to see your dreams materialising, then there's nothing else that you can do to change the decision. It has happened to me a lot of times; too many to count. Still, let me list some out:
1. I want to learn how to sing. Since I wasn't born with the gift, I plan to take up lessons. But before I could save enough, the money will have to be used for some family-financial thing. Happened more than thrice, at least.
2. I want to learn dance- be professionally trained. Since my parents are strongly against this, it's futile asking them for money, even support, so I had to find my own way. The problem is, I cannot afford those classes. They will take up more than 80% of my pay.
3. I wanted to enter VS and VJ. Studied so hard, but still cannot make it.
4. I want to enter SAF MDC, but I can't. My application wasn't successful.
5. I want to perform on stage one day, but that dream isn't coming anywhere near the light. Worse, it's slowly sublimating.
6. I want to get an MP3 player and a camera. From the looks of it, I'll probably get them after my uni years.
I don't think I'm being pessimistic, fatalistic, or cynical. Instead I believe I am being realistic. I am getting tired of dreaming. I don't think I should dream anymore 'cause I'll only keep disappointing myself. For the first few times, I become more motivated. Now, I become wiser and decide to let it pass. If I still fail after a few attempts despite increasing my ardent enthusiasm, with the hope that I will score better the next round, I am dropping it and moving on. It's pointless.
"I for seek the darker head, if I stay"
I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, to use a corny phrase. In fact, it is getting dimmer and darker. I am losing all source of light. Maybe this is how it's supposed to happen.
Since we dream when we sleep, and the longer and more interesting our dreams will be when we sleep longer, perhaps then I am moving towards the correct "light". But I don't know. I will never.
"I know I have left too much destruction to come back again" (White Flag, Dido).
Each time I get back up after tumbling down with disappointment and frustrations, I feel that I have left a mess behind. My mess. The mess I tried so hard to avoid. The mess that is not supposed to happen; not supposed to be there. But I inevitably made it and eventually getting tired of cleaning it up, making the mess worse. I am simply getting myself entangled and entwined in a web of distraught and and scepticism. Unwinding would be futile 'cause I'll end up getting back into the mess eventually. So just let it be!
Just like how I am leaving my dreams to boggle around in the virtual realm. Currently, none of them is worth being brought to the real world and given the wild goose chase. So stay in the mind will they be. Afterall, that is where they are from thus they should be left there and not disrupt the laws of nature by shifting them into another dimension that they are not able to live. According to the book of laws, murder is a punishable crime by the penal code. I guess I have been paying my dues (the disappoinments and feelings of dejection and despondent) by The Divine for murdering those innocent dreams. Naughty me! Hence, naughty boys get punished. Now i learn my lesson.
Don't dream too much, or you'll become like Pak Jenin- he fell off the coconut tree because he likes to dream and unfortunately he didn't make it through the fall and died (it's from a Malay Folktale).