Never would I have imagined that one day I'll become who I am today.
It's sad that I don't get what I want. Needless to say, need. He doesn't give me what I want. Instead I'm compensated with things which I don't like or will ever thought of.
I seem to be having somekind of Creator-Created war with Him. We don't seem to be on the same page a lot of times. It's frustrating knowing that He is running my life. For those who believe that a person is in control of his/her life and responsible for steering his/herself to wherever he/she wishes to head, well then I hope you're not an atheist 'cause you seemed to forget about The Divine intervention bit. I've stressed on this quite a few times. And I cannot say enough. One on side of me is the "you-are-in-control" voice and on the other is the "you-are-being-controlled" voice. It's hard to hear either 'cause both are yelling to make themselves heard. And this internal war happening in my head is perpetuated by a larger battle occurring concurrently, but at different scale. The war of Good vs Evil, God vs Devil.
Although God is not directly involved in the war- unlike the Devil that comes to you and whispers things into your ears, persuading you to switch over to his side- the magnitude of the struggle is gastronomical. The one at risk is my faith. My faith is thoroughly shaken; to the point where it almost crumbled. I am scared, I won't lie. I am absolutely terrified of being abandoned. On that note, who isn't?
Also, there seem to be somekind of struggle to be in control by these two sides. Being in control (monopolysing) gives power. And having this "power" would mean that the "control" gets stronger. It's a dangerous snowball effect. So the cycle gets bigger and stronger, leaving me- a mortal with little capabilities to fend for myself at times such as these- hapless and trapped. The larger the circle grows, the further I get pushed into the center. Hence, more trapped I become.
This is how I am feeling these few days: trapped. I feel trapped by the unspoken rules and laws of society, family and self. And since they are unspoken, it's difficult to talk about it as I'll not get a reply. The matter will be silent, and rest in silence. It has become tougher for me to fight and be resilient but easier to succumb and wither. It's a beautifully entwined matter that forms a vast and formidable labyrinth; complicated and not understood. What should I do? What can I do?
Fortunately, I am trapped but not lost. This means I can still find my way out. It'll just take a long time. But the matter will gradually, but surely, be solved (takes a big gulp, I hope). Some say that there are no problems that cannot be solved. The rest are satisfied with the contrasting school of thought: some are simply too complicated and arduous that it's better left untouched. I still don't know which school of thought I'll go with. I cannot simply conform to the majority's view or the view that is seemingly easy just because they appear as safe. It's a peril in itself. One wrong step and I'll be sent down the cliff.
Ironically, I feel unconnected yet I find solace in Him. Thus I believe it's a good sign that He still cares for me albeit the crap I say about Him. I know he hears me. He just doesn't reply, well not immediately at least. So I don't know if what I'm doing is right or wrong? Can it be condoned? I am of course referring to matters lying in the grey line. Grey is not a good colour. It's so bleak and morbid, and confusing.
I don't think I'm a good boy anymore. I'm a naughty gentleman now. I can be two-faceted at one time. I may appear nice but I'm not on the inside. I can smile yet repulse you. I can take on two personas at one time. If you think it's cool, I'll tell you it's despicable. I'm despicable. Maybe my problem lies in me; I welcome them though I wish to keep them away. I am good yet bad. I'm sincere yet untrue. It feels disgusting to be under my skin right now.
Each time the heart pumps, oxygen gets transferred to microscopic area of this body. They take over the place of the previous oxygen that has been reduced to carbon dioxide- a substance that is no longer needed by the body 'cause it can cause harm. The same substance that was once required is replaced once it's benefit has been used up because it now harms- just like me.
Prior to realising how bad I am now, I had a wake up call. The call was to inform me how innocent and naive I have been, simply giving in to other's request and wants and licking their boots and sucking their balls. Now, I suck and lick balls for fun and toy with my new toys to have it my way. I give them what they want, and take back when they least expect through force and manipulation of words. I have it my way, or you'll get more than what you ask for: suck you till you bleed dry.
Kind of remind me of Stoker's Count Dracula and Stevenson's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. These are interesting Gothic Literature books to read by the way.
So in a way, I'm like the grotesque and the femme fatale. A beautiful doll of perfection that slowly shows his inner evil in such subtlety as the story unfolds, rather than having exernal ugly features which is a classic way modern Gothic writers present the grotesque compared to the conventional portrayal of the outer physical grotesque by early Gothic writers like Shelley hence illuminating the true sense of the grotesque. And also a Jezebel that draws a Man to his death- Jezebel here doesn't refer to only its modern context, Man here refers to those who have or will ever exploit me and Death could mean more than its literal meaning (go figure).
It's fun being the new me. At the same time, it feels horrible. I am simply joining the two contrasting entities together- like the cusp found on the windows of many churches. Another typical Gothic feature.
The Gothic is about juxtaposing the dichotomies, drawing out the sense of uneasiness and uncomfortable to create an almost sublime feeling. I, therefore, would represent the epitome of a Gothic anti-hero. I guess that is who I am: an anti-hero- someone who has the capabilities of doing good but choose to be otherwise. For my case, the addition bit is that I try to be both at all times and keeping a low profile when among the society at large. I don't wish to become a vigilante. I just want to be me. The problem is, I still cannot find me. I'm still in search for me; and answers to help me get out of the labyrinthine passages in my mind. God please help me. Answer my prayers and make it known to me, please.