I realise that I love to write, a lot. None of my entries are brief. They are all so long. I myself don't understand why because how is it possible that someone who often gets punish by his English teachers during his school days for making countless number of simple grammatical error develop a strong liking for writing? Shouldn't he be having a strong aversion for it instead? What's worse is that he aspires to be a writer one day! Weird huh?!
And I don't like to talk about simple boring mushy-mushy stuffs. I prefer to be in a conversation that makes me think. The kinds that are debatable such as politics and philosophical enqueries. Of course not all the time cause that will be boring and annoying. But I was not like this not too long ago. Why have I become this person?
Is this trully me? Is this the same Ruzaini who has been walking around for the past 19 years and plus plus months? Is this really me? Who is this guy? I don't seem to know him anymore. When I look into the mirror who am I looking at?
I sometimes feel disgusted at the sight of the face that is looking back at me. I dislike how he looks because of the way he is. He is a beautiful creation but why can I see that? It fills me with anger and sadness to be looked at the boy/teen/young man/man in the mirror. Who, or what, is being reflected? Why is it painful to see the person who is looking back at me?
And the habit of reading: why and when did I pick it up? Why have I chosen to be an avid reader? And why pick out books that are intellectually stimulating? Am I being someone whom I am not or am I growing, metamorphising, into someone whom I want to be? Is this the man that I am supposed to be or choose to be? It's very confusing.
And why now? Why only now am I facing the matter? Is it even a problem to begin with?
Why? When? How? Am I going to be schizophenic for thinking too much? God, friends, people...help?!
I cannot recognise myself in the mirror anymore. I don't feel him though he is real and tangible. Have I trully changed for the better so that I can have a better future since the previous Ruzaini seemed to be going on the failed future path. Is it even safe, this new route? Is it a safe route? Am I grooming myself to be someone whom I want to be, as how society has subtlely influenced and dictated as, or someone who I should be? Or is this my choice, a bonafide innate desire?
Questions, questions, questions: will the be answered? Can they be answered? Should they be answered?
I'm slipping back to my previous Ruzaini: an introverted social reject. Is this why I decide to change? So that I'll be in the public eyes, always? But I hate being stared at in public, just like everyone else. It makes me feel so naked and exposed. I'd rather get noticed and forgotten. I am content that people give me a short acknowledgement rather than long ones.
Interestingly, I like this new me as well, sometimes. He is someone whom Ruzaini can only dream of becoming and wish hard for it. I am not him. I am Ruzaini. So who is this other guy?
Am I living a double life? On one hand it's the wannabe and on the other it's the real deal. The question is: how can I tell them apart? Ruzaini doesn't like reading but this other guy does. Ruzaini cannot act and has no interest in acting but this guy does. But this guy is also called "Ruzaini." So is this guy really Ruzaini or is he just using the name? Borrowing it for life.
I don't know. I'm confused, irritated, annoyed, despondent, dejected, angry; a mixture of emotions wheeling around.
Is this the process of changing from childhood to teenagehood, or teenagehood to adulthood? Is this normal? Am I going through a self-renovation or what?
Anyway, just wanna say that yesterday (look at the date on this entry), 090607 was my Mom's and CT's birthday and a fun day. Went out with Astri, CT and Izzy. Had loads of fun guys, or gals. Thank you so much for it.