Indulgence

I read a book a few years back regarding the remedy for sadness/depression/despondence and the likes (I'm sure you can think of the vocab yourselves) is to indulge in it. As preposterous as it sounds, it does seem to work; though it took longer than I expected it to. I am using it again. I have been indulging in sadness for the pass few days in camp, wallowing in the solidarity and sober mood.

Two of my sergeants have left the company: PS Faizal (aka SGT Loverboy) and 3SGT Wei Yan (who was from TJC from 2004-2005; aka SGT ... (haven't thought about it yet))- I coined them FYI. It was very hard to say goodbye. They did try their best to hold back their tears when giving their farewell speech. I didn't tear, of course, simply because I was still in shock. I felt indifferent till the next day when reality hit me. It was then I realised how melancholic it can be. Their last day was last Friday actually. See how long it took me to get over the emotion? I couldn't blog about it last week as I felt nothing.

And then last Tuesday, I think, 3SGT Jamil (aka SGT J - again I coined the nickname) ORD - that means he has completed his 2 years in national service so he won't be coming back, like forever.

Now only left SGT Imran (aka SGT Immy - I coined the nickname, again) and PC Ian Lo. It's simply saddening. They were our "brothers, fathers, mentors, friends and buddies", to quote Zhi Yu. I dedicate the song Umbrella by Rihanna feat Jay-Z to them:

Rihanna Umbrella Lyrics

Jay-Z:Ahuh Ahuh (Yea Rihanna)
Ahuh Ahuh (Good girl gone bad)
Ahuh Ahuh (Take three... Action)
Ahuh Ahuh
No clouds in my stormsLet it rain, I hydroplane into fame (Rihanna: Eh eh)
Come'n down with the Dow Jones
When the clouds come we gone
We Rocafella (Rihanna: Eh eh)
She fly higher than weather
And she rocks it better
You know me
An anticipation for precipitation, stacks chips for the rainy day(Rihanna: Eh eh)
Jay, rain man is back with lil Ms. SunshineRihanna where you at?

[VERSE 1]
You had my heart, and we'll never be world apart
Maybe in magazines, but you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the Dark, You can see shiny Cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

[CHORUS]
When the sun shines
We’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
That I'll always be your friend
Took an oath Imma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

[VERSE 2]
These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, Here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, Together we'll mend your heart
Because ..

[CHORUS] [Umbrella lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
That I'll always be your friend
Took an oath Imma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

[BRIDGE]
You can run into my
Arms It's okay don't be alarmed (Come into Me)
(There's no distance in between our love)
So Gonna let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more
Because ..

[CHORUS]
When the sun shines
We'll shine Together
Told you I'll be here forever
That I'll always be your friend
Took an oath Imma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)
It's raining (raining)
Ooo baby it's raining baby come into me
Come into me
It's raining (raining)
Ooo baby it's raining
You can always come into me
Come into me......

(Do pardon some of the irrelevent lines, where were we? Yes...)

And Passing Out Ceremony was just now. It was basically an informal speech by the OC. Pretty boring if you asked me but the period after that wasn't. It finally hit me that I will not be sleeping, eating, fall in, have fun, water parade, waking up with these people whom I have met, got to know and interacted for the past 6 weeks. It's not just 6 weeks. It's 6 weeks of bonding. These people are now in my life. Each of them is beautiful in their own way. The Ah Bengs and Pai Kias are very good and fun-loving people. They are understanding and not as bad as they are deemed to be. I had a very good time getting to know all of them. I will dearly miss all of them, including the non-Ah bengs and Pai Kias. Good riddence, stop tearing Ruzy!

So now it's time for me to indulge. Faute de mieux: wallow in. Either way, I'm gonna dwell in the matter. Prolonging the pain of separation, in a way, makes me feel good. It's the last and only thing I have left of the good and bad memories I have of my BMT life. The only thing that I can hold onto. I want it to properly sink in: that I have ended my BMT and now to move on to the next phase of my Army, and, life.

Moving on...It's so much easier to spell it.

Many have advised me to "not live a life of regret." I try to heed the advice only to realise how foolish I have been. Unless you are an Oracle and that you can fathom the future, how would you know the outcome? Yes we can think of what would happen, but is it something that should happen? If an accident is bound to happen, it will happen; regardless how cautious the victim is, wouldn't you agree? A road accident can still happen eventhough the driver is careful. You are bound to hurt the ones whom you cared for dearly no matter how much you try not to. You can still die even if you are fighting fit. Perhaps then the advice should be: "don't regret living life" because only then can we "live a life of no regrets." This is the missing link I have been searching for.

Similarly, I have not found "the link". Hence, I cannot move on. I have not come to terms with it yet. Maybe after this entry I will be better, maybe it will take longer. I don't know. However one thing is for sure: I will not leave it behind. As a math student, allow me to draw you a simple equation of the complex:

My future is the product of my past being multiplied by its exponents, added to the division of my present subtracted from the many possible permutations. The probability of us meeting in the future is dependent on the difference between the level of confidence and the level of significance. If the difference is small then the chances are higher. Otherwise, it's vice versa. Hypothetically, both need to be high for the highest possible outcome to happen. However, the formula will be greatly affected by factors such as luck, friendship, time and money which are hard to predict. Thus due to the volatility of the situation and condition, the true probability will be very much lower than expected. It will almost tend to zero. Hence, the rise of my worries.

Now can you see why I cannot move on? It's more profound than simple math equations. And being an emo freak doesn't help a bit. Neverthless, if I bank in on luck and fate things might just fall nicely in place like the game of bricks. You'll never know how many "tiu-tiu-tiu" sound might be heard.

As I still cannot get out melancholy, I might as well indulge in it. At least indulgence brings pleasure. And then, hopefully, a happy ending.

Love y'all