Saturday, 10 March 2007

it's all coming, no more like crashing, down...

It's that time again. Yes, that time when everything is sliding down into the trench. I don't know why I am blogging this maybe because I just wanna place to pour out these ordeals. Or maybe I am such a f**king bitch who can't handle stress. Either way, you can carry on reading or switch to another blog. You can choose from my links or open your own. But be warned, the content of this blog WILL shock you.

I met this person online (note I said "person"). We have chatted for quite sometime. I am glad that we did because well I think I just need to chat. Let's call this person "me". I think I like "me" so I told "me". It was embarrassing. I didn't know why I said it on msn to "me". Anyway, "me" just went silent. I guess "me" was in shock as well. It all took place this morning.

Now, thinking back I am very confused. Why did I say that? Did I mean it? What was I thinking? Maybe you guys are already frowning. Firstly because of what I am saying and secondly because of where I am getting to. Trust me, you wouldn't wanna know. And I don't wish to say it either. If you get it, well kudos I guess. If you don't, well kudos I guess. It doesn't matter. It's just that it is very weird, bizarre, confusing, perplexing, insecure and down right wrong. But is it? I mean put yourself in my shoes. Would you want to live a double life? may sound perposterous. But...

And it is very stressful. You will feel like your blood vessels are going to burst, literally. And you will literally want to shoot yourself to cover up the shame. Yes it is embarrassing. Yes it is immoral. Yes it is dispicable. Yes it is disgusting. Yes it is heinous. Yes it is disgraceful. Yes it is hard. Yes it is difficult. Yes it is stressful. Yes you would wish it is not like this. Yes you wish that I am you.

It was not a problem. I could cope. Even now, it isn't. But when your mind suddenly approach the subject matter, and after countless effort to suppress it, it becomes relentless thus you have to face it. Can you imagine being conscious all the time, I mean EVERY SECOND of your beating heart?! Sure people will laugh to tease. That's what they do best. I mean, where's the harm in calling people names, embarrassing them in public, scrutinising their actions and being superior?

My point is I am tired of hiding. I am tired of concealing. It's not me. I wanna tell others but it might be a hasty decision. You are trapped in the middle of a game of tug-of-war, each side strengthening their pull. I just wanna puke. Vomit everything out. Cleanse myself. But the part that I want to get rid of just don't wish to get the f**king hell out of me. What should I do? What can I do? Nothing. That's the only answer. Nothing. What other option are there?

You often watch TV shows like Oprah or Tyra that feature people who HATE, have a strong aversion for, themselves. You will never understand what they are saying unless, or until, you have personally exprienced it. Personally go through that ordeal. Only then can you relate to the pain and suffering, and stress, confusion, emotions that the featured guests are feeling. You can try. But the true extent of the agony is far more stronger.

I don't need sympathy actually. I just need assurance and understanding. I want to come clean. Come out of the closet but it is not safe enough. People are still being critical and they will put you under the telescope. You will not be left out of their radar. It is still dangerous. Way too perilous. Better not risk it. My very own flesh and blood are kept in the dark about this matter. I don't want to hurt and disappoint them. But you people, I don't see you people everyday. I don't go to sleep and wake up the next morning seeing you walking around the house. Their disappointment will forever be slapped on their face, and mine. It's that I don't love all of you. Take it from my stand.

I will not comtemplate suicide anymore. I have been in and out of depression. No one knows till now. Now the entire world will read my confession. I just wannabe alone. Maybe alone at the carribean or something. No one in sight. I think I need that space and tranquilty so that He can speak to me. So that I can feel Him. So that I know He loves me. So that I know He is there. And my faith getting stronger. I need Him. I can't speak to Him in my prayers cause I don't think He listens and that I am way too distracted. I need to empty those distraction so that I can get to Him and He to me. I love Him. But I don't know if He loves me. I also know that in Islam, I learn that He never lets any of His creation out of His sight regardless of how heinous the person is. But sometimes you just need that assurance.

For those of you who has read this blog, you can keep it to yourself and spread it. It's your choice. My control stops here. But I don't want anyone, anybody, to treat me differently. I love the way you guys have been treating me. Unless you have been nasty, it would be good to change. Keep it that way. I don't wish to sing Nelly Furtado's song one day and mean it:

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

1 comment:

Sarah said...

who cares, seriously? no need to feel ashamed; live your life the way you want to, or the way you were meant to. if people can't accept that, it's them who are too narrow-minded. seeking acceptance is a slippery slope, and you don't need that. as long as you're happy, who cares abt what other people think? not like you'll be harming anyone.